I wana start out by saying... I WANT A MARC JACOBS BAG SO BADLY!! GAHH!! lol ok just had to say that. Marc Jacobs and Chanel are two of my fav. designers.. and I totally can't afford them :( I guess I could afford a less expensive MJ bag.. but I would feel so guilty for spending like $300, or $400 on a bag!! YIKES!! If anyone knows of a place I could get a gently used MJ bag.. I would love to hear your suggestions :D
Ok, on to more pressing matters... I GOT A PROM DRESS!!! (pictured underneath) This is a major accomplishment.. but prom is a couple months away, so i'm going to keep my options open and not do any alterations for a little while. Dress shopping is soooo stressful for me because I never fit into dresses. I'm short 5'3... and apparently petite??? the only time I actually acknowledge that i'm not actually ginormous is when I try on the smallest dress size, and it still doesn't fit. I really just don't understand it... How can I feel so huge, but be a small clothing size? ED baffles me. The worst part is, that even with a small size on, I STILL feel fat! WHAT?? that pisses me off.. I feel like either the size is wrong, or I just happen to be the one that a 00 makes me look fat and no one else. Its frustrating because its like.. ok.. so if fitting into a smaller size doesn't make me feel small.. what will?? what is it going to take for me to feel comfortable in my skin???? ANSWER---> a personal trainer. oy, I know right?!?! When I was in Renfrew my mom set me up with a personal trainer.. and I relapsed shortly after... not saying thats why, thats just what happened. I am friends with this trainer, and shes going to be working with my nutritionist.. so I think it should be fine. I'm just a little worried because I do have a problem with over exercising.. but I guess since they will be monitoring me, I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not trying to lose weight or anything.. just tone up. I need to feel better about myself, and feel comfortable in my body.. so I think adding some muscle definition may help with that.. and help me accept the weight i've gained. Idk... thoughts?
Clothing has recently been a major trigger to me. I'm really having trouble dealing with the fact that some of my clothes are fitting me.. and not hanging off. I hate feeling like clothes are "touching me" ya know.. like not really really flowyyy. Idk.. I still have clothes from 8th grade and I just don't want to get rid of them because they still fit me.. but I feel like keeping them is also keeping me stuck in my ED. I should not still fit into my middle school clothing, nor want to be able to.. so I really should start to try to get rid of some of it.. its just hard :/ .....
Since trying on clothes makes me hate my body.. and just feel really low.. I decided to treat myself to this ADORABLE coral-y, orange-y patent leather quilted Kate spade bag! LOVVEEEE!!!
Side note- I have these dark chocolate calcium circles.. 500mg of calcium in each.. so its a really healthy treat!!
POSITIVE NOTE--> I'm doing really well food wise, despite my horrid body image atm :) Totally meeting my cals, challenging myself with new foods everyday, and trying to stay positive.
How is everyone?? Hope you are all doing well.. and happy NEDA WEEK!!!... i'm a bit late on that... haha.
Oh, lastly.. i've been getting a lot of questions on my formspring about my ED and self harm.. and for some reason.. idk, I kind feel like its my own little form of therapy! I feel like i'm actually helping people by answering their questions, and explaining some things about EDs.. It kinda makes me feel like I want to do something in that line of work.. like an advice columnist, therapist, or life coach.. idk. Just a thought :)
EDIT: don't forget to check out this awesome giveaway!!
Have an AMAZING week my beautiful girlies, stay strong, and keep battling on my little ED warriors!! <3