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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Letter to ME from ED... this is a fun one.. NOT.

Alright ladies.. here is the second letter from my journal, only this one ED wrote to me.. so its a pretty shitty letter and I totally understand if no one wants to read it.. its really more for my own clarity. It was really hard for me to post this because there are a lot of personal aspects to this letter.. and its a little more graphic then the first one, so if you start to get triggered, please stop reading it. I talk about self harm, purging, and diet pills.. just so you have a little heads up. The letter is kind of like a story.. if you pay close attention you can see that ED is telling me to do things.. and i'm defying him.. and then you read his reaction to what is going on. Its kinda interesting, but again.. WARNING, MAY BE TRIGGERING! However, I think this would be very therapeutic for a lot of girls, write a letter to your ED, and have him write a letter back. That way, when you read his words out loud, or to a friend, you'll realize how mean and hurtful he is, and that YOU DONT DESERVE THAT.

Dear A,
Good morning fatass! It's time to push yourself out of bed and start your day. Ok, go look in the mirror, lets see what the damage is today. YOU DISGUST ME! Look at yourself! Your legs are short, stumpy, fat and repulsive! They are so close together the only thing you can fit between your chubby little thighs are a piece of paper! And don't even get me started on those hips.. you're so revolting. See all that fat? Pinch it! Do it! Feel how you've ruined yourself! Oh gosh look at that gut! It looks like you swallowed a beach ball or a spare tire! Ugh, suck it in girl! I can hardly see those ribs, and your hip bones are just barely poking through! You're a disgrace. What are those two huge tubes of lard hanging down from your shoulders? Are those your arms? Oh god I can't even look at you. How dare you claim to have anorexia. The only eating disorder you look like you have is BING EATING. You're such a disappointment. Get out your scale, but try to break it with your fat ass! What does it say? XX lbs...another disgusting number. This is your fault you know. If you would just listen to me all the time you stupid worthless girl, you would actually be skinny by now! Get dressed, I'm done with you, but put baggy clothes on so the rest of the world doesn't have to see your failure; you're fat. Are you really going to eat today? After all I just said to you?? How dare you ruin htis body we worked so hard on! I will not let you waist these past 7 years of sweat, pain, heartache and tears! How can you disobey me?! Trusting some women, who claims to be a nutritionist, that you just met a few months ago to control your body?! OUR body?! Fine, FINE, eat your yogurt and apple, its not to late for damage control, we can still fix this. PURGE. NOW. DO IT! Get this food out of you! Do you feel that? Its your stomach growling, can't you just feel the fat starting to spread through out your body?! I can't believe your crying, you're such a wimp! Toughen up and do what I say! this is what you're suppose to do, no one will care, they are all just testing you to see if you're strong enough to starve. No one really cares about you. The only reason your treatment team still talk to you is for the money. You're fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, a disappointment, weak, and a frustrating mess. No one loves you, and no one will be aorund to comfort you whenever you need it, but I WILL! I'm always there every second of every day. Stop fighting me! You'll never win, I own you, you know that. Fine, dont purge, there are still other alternatives. Take pills. As many as you can fit in your mouth. All kinds, laxitives, diet pills, metabolism boosters, colon cleansers, dieretics, just do something you disgusting representation of a girl! Can't you see that for yourself? You're destened to live a sad, miserable, lonley life because YOU ARE WORTHLESS, and you are NOTHING WITH OUT THIN, and certainly NOTHIN WITH OUT ME! Wait. Stop. What are you doing?! Do NOT throw out those pills!! I don't care if the people you care about told you to get rid of them, I am who you should care about and I am telling you to keep them! Listen to me! Great, now you've done it.. are you trying to make me livid with you?!? I'm the only one who helped you when your father screamed, wiped your tears when you kept your mothers secrets, gave you control when all was lost, told you how to starve yourself when that boy trapped you in, gave you love when you felt like you had none, gave you friendship when you were left alone... YOU OWE ME!! and this is how you repay me?? By disobaying and fighting with me?? You deserve pain.. go cut your writs.. NOW! If I can't punish you, then punish yourself! See.. don't you feel better? The blood dripping down your hand signifies you taking back control. All the feelings of hurt and self hatrid.. let them bleed out until you feel nothing, you're numb. Its time to go, cover up the cuts, you don't want anyone to see how strange and sad you truly are. Put on your fake smile, show that nothing is wrong. No one wants to know how you're truly feeling, they just ask to be polite and nosey. I can't believe you're actually going to leave your house looking like that. YOU'RE DISGUSTING! Everyone is going to see how fat and out of control you are! People will stare, and talk about how fat you are behind your back, but don't worry, they will say you're THIN to your face so they don't upset you. Everyone lies to you, i'm the only one who tells you the truth. The only time they don't lie is when they are angry with you and say hurtful things. It they hurt, you know they are true. I hurt you all the time, but i'm always right, I only speak the truth.. I speak what I see. How can you even doubt me? Look for yourself, look in the mirror and see what I see. A fat, worthless, no good waste of space. I can't take tis anymore, I don't want to look at you.. RUN! You need to work out and get some fat off your revolting body. GO burn some calories and gain some respect! Work out until your lungs burn, your head pounds, your heart races, you can't breath, your limbs ache your stomach burns, you can't see, your hearing is muffled, and you're going to pass out; and then, only then, can you stop. The worse you feel the better you've done. Every calorie counts. You need to burn off every last one. Get some ice to chew on so your mouth doesn't feel like cotton balls. Take a shower, blow dry your hair to make it look thick and healthy. Add blush to your cheeks for a healthy glow, concealer under your eyes to hide the dark circles, lip gloss to give color to your chapped lips, use eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow to make your eyes look big and healthy. There, take a look, you look like a happy, healthy, normal girl. Perfect mask. But your body.. you're still f*cking revolting.. none of those clothes are big enough to hid your fat. Its lunch time.. but DO NOT EAT! I now you feel sick and awful, but at least you'll be thin! Feeling empty is the ultimate feeling, the ultimate accomplishment. What is full? Full is FAILURE! Full is WEAK! Full is DISGUSTING! see how your hands, knees, feet, body, and lips are purple? Thats good. See how your nails are turning clear and your hair is thin? Thats good. If you look sick, you look thin. If you look healthy, you look fat. Oh stop crying, I don't care if you feel torn and confused. There is nothing to be confused about! You HAVE to listen to me, stop letting what other people are saying get to you! STOP FIGHTING ME! You deserve everything thats happened to you in your life. You know what you're going to community college? You're stupid! If you hadn't of let them put you into treatment for most of your highschool career you would be going to normal college! You can't do anything right, you're a failure, disappointing daughter, and a burden on your family. You're father hates you because he can see who you truly are. You don't deserve love, and you don't deserve happiness. I'm all you have, and all you will ever have. I can't believe you're still fighting with me, after all i've said! GIVE IT UP!! I'm going to keep talking like this all day, every day, 24/7. I'll be there watching and critiscing everything you do! I will NEVER STOP until you give in, so you might as well just give up the fight and surrender now! I won't quit, you MUST REACH PERFECTION! YOU'RE FAT!! YOU'RE FAT!! YOU'RE FAT!!! YOU'RE FAT!!!!!!!!! How many times do I need to say it, you worthless waste of space?? Fine. you fell asleep.. i'm done for now, but when you wake up, I'll be back to say the same things over and over to you until you break. You can only hold me off for so long, I always end up winning in the end. Ok, enjoy your nap. I'll be waiting for you when you wake up.
Love, ED

Above is a picture from the NEDA walk with my arm, BECCA's, and a few other Renfrew girls sporting the eating disorder recovery symbol in a "tattoo".

No one deserves to hear things like ED says day in and day out. You girls are worth so much more, don't let ED beat you down. Reach out and fight back!!
- A <3


  1. this makes me sad :[ YOU don't deserve to hear things like that; and i know he is still strong. just tell him to stfu because no one invited him into your life and he needs to just get the hell out. love you <3

  2. It's so sad what ED tells us. NO ONE deserves that. Keep disobeying ED, hun. :)