Alright.. so I know I left my last post like 9 hours ago.. but ugh I need to vent! I'll do it in a short post so that its not to depressing.. haha
Ok, i'm all for recovery, very gung ho (spelling?) and everything.. but what the hell man?? why is body image so hard??? I'm glad thats its been a year out of treatment.. and I guess i'm proud that i've gained xx pounds.. but I CAN'T STAND MY NEW "HEALTHY" BODY! I feel like i'm in a fat suit ALL THE TIME. I keep telling myself to stop paying attention to the way my clothes fit differently, and comparing myself to how I use to look.. but I mean come on, how long is that suppose to last?? Every time I walk by a mirror I want to cry.. the reflection I see is so upsetting.. and just being in my own skin.. I don't even know who I am. This isn't me. I don't know who I am if im not that "skinny" girl. Now i'm just another chubby face in the crowd. (Sorry Ed is really being a B*atch right now and totally writing this post. ) I'm just so upset and frustrated. :( I've over come so many of my ED fears.. or at least tried, and I gained the weight I needed to make my Dr happy.. so why is that making me SOOO unhappy?? I wish I could get up, look in the mirror, and feel like i'm beautiful, and worthy of that day. Ed is so mean.. and i've had to listen to him for over 7 years.. I don't know how much longer I can keep this bully in my head with out giving in. I'm fighting him SO HARD. I eat past my fullness to complete my meal plan, tears running down my face and all.. and only to wake up and do it again the next day, and the next day. UGH, i'm so sorry this is such a depressing post.. but my last one was very cheery! so i've youd rather hear the inspiring hopeful side of me.. thats the post for you.. but if you want to hear the hardship and Ed dominated thoughts.. YOUR IN THE RIGHT POST. Alright, lets be positive. I'm alive another day to fight this battle, as hard as it is, at least i'm given the chance to fight.. not all girls with ED's are that lucky. So many wonderful girls have lost their lives to this horrible illness, and I wont be one of them. also... SCHOOL IS OUT EARLY TODAY DUE TO SUPPOSED SNOW THAT WILL BE HAPPENING LATER TODAY!!... haha I love how its not even snowing yet but my school is closing. :D
Keep fighting girlies and stay strong.. Its hard.. I know.. but venting helps!! :)
xoxo
-A <3
girl, i can feel your pain so much. i battling ED too, everyday, same thing. eating wayyy past what i think i need/deserve. but it's the little things that keep me going. stay positive and look for the future. seriously what ive done is stopped looking i the mirror. it helps. just know that you are healthy and before you were not. i hope so much that you get through this, it will get better i promise! you will get used to it and find your inner beauty.
ReplyDeleteamy<3
girl I know how you feel!! I hate my new healthy body right now, but I have to give it time. The mind takes longer to heal than the body so the lag time sucks, but we will get there! But try to remember HEALTHY doesn't equal fat or chubby, healthy equals energetic, invigorated, beautiful, sexy and ideal! Don't let ED tell ya otherwise.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your comments girlies!! they help a lot.. its comforting to know other people understand what you're going through.
ReplyDeletestay strong <3