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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Letter to ED # 2


FIrst I want to start by formally introducing my little puppy.. since I got a question about what kind of dog she is. She is a little toy poodle, her name is Coco Chanel but Coco for short, and she is about 1 year old.. my little fluff ball!!! :D

Alright, so I listened to your feedback about the ED letters.. THANK YOU FOR THAT BTW :), and I'm going to make this post the last letter I wrote to my ED. I wrote this letter to ED back in October or November maybe? possibly December. Again I'm going to say WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING, just incase anyone didn't read that last couple letters and doesn't know what is in store. I just want to remind everyone (even though you know) that i've come a long way from the place I was in when I wrote these letters... so don't worry :) so here it goes... Dumping my feelings out on this page. (hence the pictures underneath.. taken on my walk to school)

Dear ED,
Good morning.. this is the time I can think the most because its before I've let you completely overflow my thoughts. I could have been so great. I had friends, good grades, interests, my parents were proud of me, and yes you were there, but for a few summer months you seemed to leave me alone. I hate feeling like this. My body disgusts me. All I can see are flaws and fat all over my body. I know all the things you say to me are true because I use to hear them regularly from my father. That i'm stupid, a bitch, brat, every curse word in the book.. " what the hell is wrong with you?! You stupid idiot! Fuck this! Get the hell in the kitchen and put your plate away! What the fuck do you think this is?! Do you think the maid is going to clean it up?! Do you think you're special or something?! Or that we owe you something?! *throws plate towards me* put it in the fucking sink!"... not a typical father daughter conversation right? I guess I deserved it.. I should have put my plate away. Ugh.. i'm not going to keep writing what he says, their is no point.. nothing captures the fear I feel every time i'm in a room with him. Especially when he use to get "the belt", or when my mom use to get the "wooden spoon". I remember stuffing towels in my pants so if I were spanked it wouldn't hurt. I deserved that too though. I wasn't a perfect child. No matter how hard I tried. Thats when you saved me, ED. You helped me gain control and feel as though I could do something right. Even still, I've let you down more times then I can count. I'm sorry, i'm not the perfect anorexic, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect cutter (self harmer), perfect dancer, perfect cheerleader, perfect student, perfect ANYTHING. Looking down at my body as I write you this.. its horrific. I don't even want to leave my house... I can't let people see me like this. I have so many thoughts running through my head at every given moment, I can't even organize them. I know you yell at me because you care, ED, and you want to make me the best I can be... but I wish I was accepted by my dad no matter what. My parents don't even want to deal with me anymore.. they want to send me away to boarding school. No one wants me.. i'm unloveable. I just want to feel wanted, for once. Why are you the only one who gives me positive as well as negative reinforcement? I wish I was a better person. UGH :( Why do you make me disappoint people? I try so hard to just get you to SHUT UP sometimes, but you come back at me meaner then ever. This is the hardest fight of my life.. its a fight for my life, and sometimes I don't even think its worth living because if I were gone.. it would only improve others lives. The only ones who accept me are other anorexics. They are the only ones who say the kindest, most encouraging things to me. They made me feel like someone cares besides you. They gave me encouragement and hope that I could reach perfection if I tried hard enough. I'll never forget being in treatment, my FOURTH GIANT MEAL of the day out of 6.. a huge plate filled with spaghetti and a hunk of cheese melted on top, plus 2 tbsp of cheese sprinkled on top, a cup of fruit, a bread roll, a salad, 2 tbsp of dressing, AND a giant piece of chocolate cake with frosting. HOLY FULLNESS. Having girls there who understood and the same torture I did was so comforting.. I'd almost rather go back to that daily torture so I wouldn't be lonely anymore. EW, I need to change my outfit again.. I look HUGE, nothing hides my disgusting body.. nothing is big enough. A big body only shows failures, thats what being big is.. a FAILURE. I'm a failure. ED, I wish you could give me a hug.. I don't want to cry alone anymore.. I just want someone to care :( Ed you've helped me so much.. but i'm told to let you go.. should I let you go? Who am I with out you? You're the only one who makes me feel special and beautiful.. thin brings me all that. I don't know what to do ED.. I love you.. but how long can I live like this..?
Until my next letter..

Well enough of that GLOOMY dump fest!!!.. Right now it is ANOTHER beautiful snowy day.. lots of snow this month! I'm still sitting at home because of my stupid wisdom teeth.. not much really planned for today. Probably going to clean my room, do some homework.. sounds uber fun I know :P Hopefully tomorrow it will be back to my old routine.. School, nutritionist, cardio class at the gym.. so excited! :)

Hope you are all having a wonderful positive day.. but remember even if your not, its never to late to turn it around or start over!
-A <3


  1. Aw, Coco is such a cute name!

    That letter seriously made me start to cry; it was so sad. I'm glad you've gotten away from that dark place!

    ~ Catherine

  2. hey there cutie!
    so glad you are able to move past that horrid place you were in, you are too amazing and talented to have to deal with an ed! wish you a wonderful day full of happiness <3
    your pup sounds adorable!!

  3. Hi there - so happy you have been able to move forward and be at a better place!!!!!!!!! You are so strong and inspiring to others!!!! Wish i had such an adorable puppy!!!!!!!!!!!
    xoxo aimee

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, sweetheart. It showed so many conflicting thoughts and emotions, I could relate so well to all of them!
    But the main thing is that you've moved on from that horrible place.
    You've got such spirit and a buring desire to let go of ED, and jump back into the life ED's held you back from.

    All my love,

  5. Hi,

    I just came across your blog from Secret Doors and I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you've moved past those hard times in your life. Recovery is so incredibly difficult, as I know from personal experience, but my new company is all about how to live the life you missed out on after ED. I'm trying to round up girls like you who are in the recovery phase to help me start my company, Reverb. would you by any chance be interested in that?

    Either way, I love your site and I cant wait to keep reading!!!!

    melissa www.projectbareblog.com

  6. Your letters make me want to write letters in my journal!