Thursday, March 25, 2010
Well D day has finally arrived.. or shall I say P day.. for PARIS!!!
I'm really excited.. but of course extremely nervous.... I have a very hard time eating out at restaurants, and now add that to a foreign place in a different language??? um.. yikes. Yikes times 100000. UBER YIKES!!.. ok you get the point, i'm scared. However, as scared as I am.. i've wanted to see Paris for as long as I can remember, and I WILL NOT let ED rob me of this opportunity. HEAR THAT ED??? BACK THE EFF OFF!!! Thinking about it.. I can't believe I was actually considering having my family go on the trip of my dreams with out me, just because I didn't want to leave my work out routine and safe foods.. HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!... i'm also kinda afraid of planes.. haha.
Alright, heres my outfit for today.. I didn't really wear anything but work out clothes the other days this week... so yeah, no pics of those :P
Lots of layers... black leggings, black sandals, black tunic, striped tunic, black UO skirt, and a black Jcrew cardi... my necklace looks like a ball of electricity!! haha so cool :P
I gotta say i'm in a bit of a tizzy right now because I strayed from my usual safe foods in order to help me prepare for the out of control feelings i'm about to experience in Paris... when I can't plan out my meals.. times, foods, cals I feel a TOTAL lack of control, and its so scary. SO, yeah, I figured, why not start today so it will be less of a shock in Paris.. but.. eh :/ totally feeling guilty, greedy, glutenous, grimey, gooey, lots of g words... and many other letters in the alphabet... haha. Oh well!!! tomorrow is a new day, a PAriS day.. time to give myself a one week ED free pass.. TIME TO ENJOY LIFE FOR A WHILE!!
Hmm.. well I started reading Wasted.. but i'm debating whether I should bring it with me or not. Leave it at home?? with all other ED memorabilia? Or finish reading it..?? I think I may leave it.. because although its hard for me to put it down.. its just not something that should be on my mind... right?? yeah.. haha
A few more topics I want to touch on before I end this post...
1. clothing.. oh how I could write a novel on this subject
2. family... oh how you would HATE reading a novel on this subject
3. dairy... oh.. just oh.
so, clothing.. I'm really struggling with CLOTHES. I've had the same clothes for years.. which I think semi keeps me in my ED because every time they start to actually fit me with out being too big, I feel like I need to lose weight. Well.. its that time again. Warmer weather is approaching, and so I decided to try on my old shorts and what not.. ugh :( they fit. I'm not gonna say the size, because no matter what it is, the fact that these clothes fit me makes me feel huge.. I never thought I would ever actually FIT into my clothes. What do you guys do with your old clothes?? I feel guilty getting rid of them because they "fit", and I LIKE them.. but they trigger me.. so get rid of them??? Or deal with the emotions?? both I guess.. blah, I guess i'll try to put this out of my mind for now.. its not shorts weather yet anyway!!!..
Family... alright.. w/ out getting into details.. I have family issues. haha. But don't we all???? :P... anywhoooo, I kinda wanted to know if I was the only person that does this. Well, I pretty much melt when I see a happy family.. the standard mom, dad, child playing together.. laughing.. ugh so precious. Any show, movie, family in the park.. pretty much brings tears to my eyes. I guess I just really wish I had that. I mean I do HAVE a family.. I have a mom, dad, and sister.. but just because they have those titles doesn't mean we function or feel like a family. It just makes me kinda sad :( ... I feel like part of the reason I hold onto my ED is so I can find someone to love and take care of me.. I guess I feel like I missed out from my own family. I mean don't get me wrong.. my parents def. provide for me.. but lets just say.. if I had to base my idea of a functioning couple on my parents, I would never know what one looks like. Blah I guess I should save this for another post!!.. too much downer in one bloggyyyyy!!! :P haha
The dairy subject.. so I read this book called "Skinny Bitch"... I know.. totally a smart idea right??? We'll its basically a book that just talks about food.. reasons to eat and not eat certain things.. blah blah blah. I don't know why I torture myself with things like this. The only person I should listen to about what to eat is my N, but do I accept that.. NO.. I must go and search EVERY possible way to be told how to eat. Its silly. Basically, my new food aversion is dairy. WHY??? um, I DON'T KNOW, ED HAS JUST DECIDED TO BE RESTRICTIVE AND STUPID!! Its sooo dumb, I mean their is nothing wrong with dairy.. right?? oy, I don't even know.. so many conflicting views. I'm a veg. not vegan.. so I shouldn't deprive myself of a food group.. unless that actually is something that I shouldn't eat??? GOSH i'm so confused.
Hmmm....this post was a bit of a downer.. and ALLLLL over the place.. sorry!!!... but what can I say, I have ADD :P
HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!! Keep truckin my little engines that could!! or should I say CAN!! :D
Monday, March 22, 2010
I hope you all had an amazing weekend! The weather was beautifulllllllllllllll!! So sunny and warm!... However, it is now rainy and dark... boooo!
Currently, i'm sitting in my bed avoiding life.. YAY ME! Would you like an explanation??.. OK! but FIRST, an outfit from the first day of spring!.. not gonna lie, I almost didn't put these pics up because I felt like I look a bit larger then normal.. the lighting was making my face look huge and blah blah blah, but I convinced myself to shut it and post them because I know i'm the same weight, and its not like it matters to you all anyway!! :P
Black UO skirt, black BEBE cut off leggings with lace at the bottom, black booties :P haha, black sports bra, gray ruffled tank, and ready for this... light PINK CARDI! As you can tell.. I like black and usually wear that or dark colors, but in honor of spring, I decided to throw in a pretty pastel pink!! It is my fav. color after all :D
Alright, back to my explanation. So.. last week, as you know, I was struggling a bit with meeting my cal goals.. and ended up having to lower them so that I wouldn't be so off. The plan is to up them again, never fear, probably this week.. but anywayyyyyy.. so yeah, struggling with meeting cals and putting meals together, so what I ended up doing was finding one day that all the meals and everything worked and repeating it all week! Haha, thats right, I ate the SAME exact thing all week up until about yesterday when I ran out of the food.. :P I know that is a bit odd and eating disordered..but hey, you gotta do what ever works for you right?! Well I guess running out of the foods I was eating sent me into a bit of a panic, because obviously I thought I had a copious endless supply of food that would never run out, and I would be merry and happy with my little same day meal plan for the rest of my life. La la land was my current residence, FYI. So, when I was pushed off my cloud in La la land, I realized.. "erm.. so maybe I should actually start to think about food again...? after all.. I still have to eat even if I ran out of what I WAS eating.... its not like all the grocery stores were taken off the face of the earth." Needless to say, thinking about food= obsessing about food= me hiding in my room, avoiding waking up and going to school so I can put of eating as long as possible! FUN STUFF RIGHT THERRRRR! So now here I am... strait up chillin.. hating that I've now missed YET ANOTHER day of school for some stupid ED anxiety that no one will understand. ( well.. unless you have an ED) I am, of course going to eat today.. just trying to put it off a bit longer.. stupid I know, but.. eh, thats my life for ya. Alright.. enough of that. Here are a couple other outfits from this past week/ weekend.
Plaid yellow shirt with blue plaid stripes and black velour juicy pants with braidssssss.. it was a pretty chill day.. haha :P
Favorite Navy double breasted RL sweater, cream UO short sleve shirt, black tights, Lucky Brand necklace, plaid grey and black knee high socks, and chocolate short Uggs... Theirs a lot to this outfit!! haha
Recently, i've really been struggling with my motivation.. I'm having a hard time telling myself that its ok that i'm trying to recover alone, because it will be worth it in the end.. but.. idk.. :/ I mean.. I've lost pretty much all of my friends though having this disorder.. I've isolated to the point that I just don't even talk to people anymore.. which is ironic because all I ever want to do is be with someone who cares about me.. and I spend my time pushing those people away. Honestly, the only support at home I get is from my Nutritionist... she talks to me all the time, trys to keep me on track, takes me food shopping... its pretty crazy how much she does for me and i'm sure that has 100% worn on here over this past year.. so its only a matter of time before shes out of my life as well. I'm a pusher. (mean girls reference :P) but seriously, I am. I push and push people away until i'm completely alone, and then complain about it. Don't I sound like a joy?!?! haha. Blah.. it just kinda sucks, ya know? I DO want to recover.. but its pretty hard to fight with myself and ED all the time and not have anyone to back up the rational side. I almost feel like its easier for me to have friends when im not fighting ED. Lets face it, when you are trying to fight a voice in your head that is stronger then your conscious, you act pretty annoying.. but when you let that voice take over and just go through out your day.. everything seems peachy keen. Thats why eating disorders can go undetected for so long.. people seem normal, seem happy.. they are just losing weight and what not. Only when people start to fight their ED does it really come through how screwed up they are. Now of course, i'm just venting and ranting irrational thoughts right now, and in no way shape or form am I telling people to stop fighting their EDs.. and if thats what your thinking.. STOP!!! haha. Because really, I may be thinking this stuff.. but you know what i'm ignoring..? LIFE. Yes, it may be easier to give into ED and pretend around your friends, but what kind of life is that?? Guarantee its better to fight ED and be a little lonely for a while but ALIVE, then give into ED and be fake happy with people only to DIE. YES, I may be having a hard time fighting ED alone, YES, its hard for me to push myself and eat that scary food or complete my meal plan with out constant encouragement.. but it will make me a stronger, better person in the end. PERSISTENCE BABY! And I do have my amazing friends from treatment and this blog who are wonderfully supportive, and I thank you all for that soooo much, because with out you I would be so lost!
Alright.. rant over.. the rational side of my brain is slowly waking up.. GOOD MORNING BRAIN! ( well.. good afternoon).. time eat brunch, shower, and catch the last hour of school.. (shhhh at least its something!)
Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember, no matter how low or lonely you feel.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I'mma start with todays outfit.. lots of outfits in this post from all week.. so i'll try to spread them out a bit :P... i'm kinda self conscious about putting this many pics up at a time.. usually they are more spread out in dif posts.. It makes me feel like i'm being conceded and judged.. but I do it for the outfits.. I love reading other peoples blogs when they post outfits.. so hopefully people feel the same way about mine.. and don't judge me for it.
leggings, short cowboy boots (not pictured), maroon sports bra :P, long free people tank, black OU skirt, j crew sweater
ALSO.... BANANA UPDATE!! DUDE, GUESS WHAT!?!?!?! I HAVE HAD TWO BANANAS EVERY DAY SINCE SUNDAY!! ( one at breakfast, and one at my night snack) I'm not afraid of them anymore!! you have noooo idea how amazing it feels to conquer a fear that you've had for years and have it become a staple in your day! ( or maybe you do.. in which case.. YOU ROCK!!)
I also tried to challenge other foods.. but that was much less successful.. but hey, ya win some ya lose some :P
On a more serious note.. I've been struggling a bit.. and I have NO IDEA why! I feel ok.. I mean body image is horrible, but i'm trying to ignore it and go on with my day... idk man.. idk whats going on. I'm just not hungry, and when I eat, I get supper full.. so I haven't really been completing my meal plan... I mean i'm only a couple hundred off.. or more.. eh.. I don't even know if I should say that on my blog.. IM SO CONFUSED. Its weird because I don't feel like i'm restricting.. its just happening. I also haven't been feeling well.. really drained and headachy.. idk if thats because of my meal plan, or dehydration? I don't drink much.. but who has time?? I mean i'm to full at meals to drink anything, and then when i'm not eating, i'm doing something.. how do you guys manage to get hydrated??
heres a couple more outfits from the week.. and then i'll move on to today's break down.. oh yes, thats right, you read that correctly.... this is a fun one.
Leggings, cowboy boots ( I wear them a lot) stripped dolman sleeve cardi, black long tank.
Dark green oversized UO sweater, black leggings, J crew rain boots with little yellow umbrellas!!... it was raining that day :)
Alright, thats enough pics of me for today!! haha.
Now on to today.. ugh. Ok. so their are lots of things that I tried this week that were fear foods.. a cookie.. white bread.. pasta..but today really put me over the edge. So, I take a basic foods and nutrition class in school.. ( great fit for me right?? because I totally don't think about food enough, I need to be in a class that talks about food and nutrition facts! PSH!).. and EVERY TIME we have a cooking lab.. I make up some excuse as to why I can't eat our food, or I don't show up. AND IM SICK OF IT!! Its embarrassing! My latest excuse is i'm lactose intolerant.. hmmm creative no? WELL, today I was like NO MORE!! IM DOING THIS, AND HAVING SOME FOOD THAT I COOK!!... and LUCKY ME, I chose to do this when we were making past and broccoli... which is fine.. like.. I can deal with that.. but heres the twist.. the broccoli was sauteed in 2 tbsp oil and 1 tbsp butter.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? A LARD BATH??? LIKE... WHAT???? Whats even worse then that was that I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS IN THEIR! so when I found out, (which was OF COURSE AFTER I ATE IT)... words can not describe how I felt. Firstly, I would just like to say, I DO NOT CRY. On VERY rare occasion do I cry, and the few times I have, its been with my nutritionist.. lol. Its so strange what can bring me to tears.. self harm doesn't make me cry.. but hey, make me eat a cookie and let the water works begin! Its kinda redic.. but today I felt soooo out of control, hurt, scared, anxious, guilty.. I felt like I should be punished for eating that. I tried to rationalize it by saying it wasn't a large portion... 5 pieces of plain (WHITE) rigatoni, 5 pieces of broccoli ( in this fucking fat bath)... but no such luck.. ugh.. it just haunted me and totally ruined my day. OR SO I THOUGHT!!... I mean it did ruin my day, but I still met one of my cal goals.. not my real one.. but the one my N said I absolutely HAD to meet, if not the one I SHOULD meet. All day I felt like I shouldn't be allowed to eat for what I had done.. but I want to move forward, and I want to recover... so as upset as I was, I still had to do what was right. I hate how unbelievably guilty I felt.. like I literally felt like I had just run over my cat or something.. as if something horrible had happened. :'( .... needless to say I ran the 4 miles to work... crying because I was so tiered and upset with myself.. proceeded to have a panic attack ( fun stuff right theirrrrrr)... and then calmed down and made myself look normal all before walking through the doors of the gym. Lemme tell ya, i'm a pro at looking like nothing is wrong. I then cried three different times that night.. all of which no one saw, no one new.. and its not like I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling.. I mean lets be serious.. the convo would go like this..
person- "whats wrong??"
me-" I had 5 pieces of white pasta, and broccoli in a fat bath!"
YEAH. sucks that no one gets how this feels... the torment that food can cause. Its insane.
Well.. tomorrows a new day! and i'm ready to attack it head on and do a great job! Their is no school tomorrow, so I have a personal training appointment, an N appointment, and i'm going to MFG, so tomorrow should be a really good day :)... i'm determined.
Have a FANTASTIC FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!! Hope this post wasn't too much of a downer!!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hey bloggers!! really quick post regarding my last post. Umm.. so, I DIDN'T POST THAT. lol. Idk how my formspring thing ended up being a post on my blog.. but I didn't do that.. I wasn't even on my blog yesterday! eek! WEIRD... haha. Well.. for future reference.. I always start my posts out by saying Hello to you all, and end it will saying goodbye.. so if my post does not encompass that, then I didn't write it! lol.
Gosh ok, anyway.. I guess now that i'm already writing a post, I may as well talk about some things from this week! :P
What a dreary day it is today!! I'm so sad its going to rain until tuesday :( I miss running in the sun already!... hmm, well, lets start with one of my outfits, shall we??
(black opaque tights, black boots, H&M black shirt w/ sequins at the tops of the sleeves, and a dark brown braided belt from AE.)
Top ten things going on seems to be working for me... it really helps me get organized on here.. so i'm just gonna keep doing it!! haha
1. Had to put training with A on hold :(
2. Trying to get my over exercising under control
3. Everyone worried about me in Paris... especially me :/
4. Meal plan struggs.. but then meal plan victories!
5. Food shopping :)... thinking I need to start working on some food rituals.. they are a bit redic...haha
6. Had two whole bananas today!!!!!!! <--- note, this is a big deal. lemme tell ya.
7. Got some more clothes.. shopping problem perhaps???... haha. they were on super sale though! 12.00 for a really cute cardi!... pictures will come later in the week :)
8. Saw Alice in wonderland!
9. Babysitting tonight.. money for shopping in Paris?? YELL YES!! :P
10.MP increased yesterday.. and totally hit the number!!! HIYA! take that ED!
Alright.. so here goes the explanations
1-3... So my mom is making me put my personal training sessions on hold for a couple reasons.. mostly because she thinks im exercising too much.. ( which I gotta say I did go overboard ONE DAY.. but only that one day..).. and also because she thinks i'm not eating enough and losing weight. Well thats just annoying. I mean.. yes, I was struggling a bit with my meal plan, but I was still eating, and i'm sure i'm not losing. Its just frustrating to find a balance.. I really do love working out and being active.. and I don't love eating.. but i'm willing to do it to live! Sometimes I have trouble with knowing when to stop exercising because I always feel like I need to do more, want to do more, should do more.. its never enough. But recently i've been having weird things happen to me while working out.. so i'm trying to listen to my body a bit more. When I say weird.. I mean like, my arms going completely numb when I try to lift weights (and its not that they are too heavy.. I do them with a trainer so she makes sure im set up properly) or my heart will like skip a beat or just beat in weird ways.. sometimes my ears "pop" and I can't really hear anything.. like I said, strange things mannnn. Idk why that stuff happens.. I understood why it happened when I needed to gain.. but now that I have, I feel like all my problems should work themselves out.. but I guess it doesn't work that way! Oh well.. just another thing to help remind me why I need to keep going and pushing towards recovery! My N and mom are both worried about me for when I go to Paris.. and I gotta say.. i'm worried too!! It sucks saying that because its some place i've wanted to go forever, but at the same time.. leaving my comfort zone and being in a different place makes me almost just want to stay home :( I'm pretty stuck w/ my food choices I guess.. and thats why people are concerned. I have very specific foods that i'm ok w/ eating.. so my meal plan is pretty much the same kinda foods all the time.. but how is that going to work in Paris?? What am I going to eat?? I'm terrified of going out to eat there because not only do I have to eat in restaurants, but its going to be with food i'm unfamiliar with.. and what if they don't understand my order because i'm not good at speaking french.. and instead of putting no butter on my food, they think I say extra butter!! AHHH!!!!!! lol, a bit dramatic, but really, I am scared. Plus the whole aspect of not working out for 10 days is freaking me out.
Alright, lets take a quick break from ED fear land and look at a pretty picture of a flower I took with my phone.. the quality is pretty bad :/.. but the pink and yellow is sooo pretty together!! haha.. sometimes you just need to stop and regroup when ED thoughts start to get to you.
K, now that we've all taken a nice breath.. and if you didn't, do it now! lol... here are some ED victories of the week!
4-6. So the beginning of this week I was having trouble reaching my goal.. and with out even realizing it.. my goal had slipped lower and lower as the week went on. idk what happened.. my ultimate goal was initially (this is about to make no sense since im not using numbers.. lol) #,###.. but then it was ### less.. and then ### less then that. It was a mess.. but, since I wasn't doing it consciously, when it was brought to my attention, I was ready to get back on board and fix it... although I was scared because I just felt so comfortable with the amount I was eating.. I didn't feel I was restricting and I felt it was the perfect amount for me.. but I know that it wasn't ok with how much working out I want to do. So now my goal is back at #,### as of yesterday.. and I totally smacked that sucker out! I even went ## over!.. which may result in me being that much under today.. (sorry, I'm pretty awesome, but not that awesome.. HA jk) wait ok, side note. So since I wasn't expecting to post, I was eating my lunch, and then went on and saw the last post and yada yada yada... and im still trying to finish my lunch, an hour and 45 mins later! lol, so I really do need to wrap this post up! I suppose I'll talk about the rest of the things on my list in another post, but I do want to say that.. fear of bananas= OBLITERATED! HA! TAKE THAT ED!!! yes.. thats right folks, I am no longer afraid of bananas! lol. We still aren't on the best terms.. but.. guess who had two bananas with nut butter today (at dif meals) MEEEEEEE!!! haha. alright, i'll keep my little victory dance to my self.. but I am very proud of myself. Next thing to conquer.. FOOD RITUALS. mmmm... this will be a supper fun topic to start of my next post! :P Off to finish lunch.. and well apparently a snack too since its that time!.. then babysitting in a few hours.. TOOTLES!!
Have a great saturday ladies!! Stay dry if its raining where you are.. Take advantage of being stuck inside to do some art work, or journal!...and if not, enjoy the weather!!!
Friday, March 12, 2010
i wrote about weighing myself...i can't stop dreaming about it now and every time i dream i come up with terrible numbers... i think i just need to know??
If its really plaguing you that much.. that I guess I would just do it. But really think about your options.. do you really think knowing the number will help you, or harm you? It might be good for you to have closure, but at the same time.. you seem to be letting that number really control your thoughts right now, and you don't even know what it is yet.. so it may just happened that once you do know, you will still equally obsess over it and fall back into your ways. I would say do what feels truly best for you. I'm trying to not weight myself.. because no matter what the number is, i'm not happy with it. I'm not at the point I can not weight myself, because I can't afford to slip up at all, and need to stay on top of it, so the only time I will weight myself is when I have a Dr. appt to make sure i'm on track. Just keep in mind that its just a number, it doesn't define you.. and don't let your ED obsess over it.. lemme know what you decided to do if you'd like! xoxo keep trucking girlie!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Good morning bloggers!! Or should I say afternoon.. because thats probably when i'll finish writing this.. as I can never stay doing one thing at a time! :P
Gosh, ok, lemme organize my thoughts.. Lemme start with a couple outfits.. and then maybe another top 10 highlights from the past few days.. explanations will follow
I wanted a pic of my head band... thats why I look like that.. lol ( gold UO head band, plaidish sweater, opaque tights, ripped Abercrombie shorts.. they are from 8th grade so don't make fun of me for having something from Abercrombie!! and my new black asic sneakers. ( the only way I could get my sneackers in the pic was if i sat on the floor.. still failed a bit though.. OH WELL! haha)
1. I LOVE RUNNING... and apparently so does this other woman..
2. Finishing my food journal this week! I LOVE buying new journals :)
3. Still upset about being told I only care about myself.. why is it that you care for others all the time, and the one time you try to help yourself feel better you get attacked?? :/
4. Missed school monday for body image again :( But went Tuesday, and am going today!
5. Had PB with every meal on Monday.. hehehehe
6. Went shopping.. again.. :P lol
7. Had the most work EVER at my job yesterday.. literally non-stop day from 5:55 am- 10:00.. then I got to relax for an hour or two and have dinner before bed.. OY!
8. Saved a ground hog that was hit by a car
9. Parented my mom... nothing new their though
10. Was TOTALLY freaked out because their were at least 7 cop cars, and cops standing outside a house with guns near my street.. don't know what that was all about.. YIKES
Now for Yesterdays outfit..
Beautiful bow from MAGGIE that I won in her giveaway, oversized UO sweater, black leggings and short dark brown cow boy boots.... those hairs coming out of my bun bug me soo much!!! ERG!!! haha
Alright, now for my explanations...
1. Running... So i've recently gotten back into running because the weather has been soooo nice, and lemme tell you.. MAJOR STRESS RELEIF!! oh man, i'm addicted.. which may get bad.. so I have to try to keep the amount I run under control. At least i'm not like this one woman though... ok, so, I was walking to school at 7:00am.. and this woman jogging goes past me.. then when I got out of school at 1:15 I was walking home.. and guess who I passed?? THE SAME JOGGER! WHAT???? Whether she had been jogging the whole time, or just went for another jog, it was still too much exercise.. and it honestly was a little triggering. It made me feel like I should be exercising that much, and i'm lazy and weak for not doing it. I know its not healthy, and will only lead to bad things so I tried to get it out of my head... but no such luck :/
2. I've been writing thoughts, feelings, and my daily exercise/ food intake in this cute little journal.. and by sunday, I will have totally filled it up!! So sad when you finish a journal.. but at the same time, I have such an accomplished feeling!!... and I LOVE picking out a new journal.. so fun! I love journals.. they are so pretty!!... haha ok, anyway...
3. I hate being told that i'm selfish... my mom use to say it alllll the time over stupid things like not emptying the dishwasher, or throwing something out for her. Idk why.. but that word just hits me really hard... maybe because i've been a people please all my life, and i've done SOOOO MUCH for other people.. which has greatly contributed to my ED. I'm not going to sit here and list all the selfless acts i've done, but I honestly am AWALYS thinking about other peoples feelings.. not wanting them to be hurt, not wanting a conflict to arise.. I mean my whole life i've cared more about other people then myself. In therapy I was always told " you need to be selfish and think about yourself so you can work on recovery or you will never recover"... so i've been trying to listen to my thoughts and needs more. Is that so wrong?? ugh idk.. I really need to get over the remark that I don't think about anyone but myself.. it was days ago.. and I need to move past it.. why can't I move past it????? Maybe because someone really important to me was the one who said it.. ugh idk :/ just makes me sad :'(
4. As i've mentioned, body image has been pretty bad.. and i've been missing school because I feel like people are going to judge me and think im gross.. which sounds so vain.. but hey, thats ED for you. The urge to lose weight is sooo strong.. but i've promised myself that I wouldn't step on a scale until my next Dr. appt.. in a month... so I need to stick to that. Plus.. losing weight will only lead to gaining weight. I'm not allowed to be any lower then I am.. so why try?? My team will just make me gain it right back. I'm lucky I got to stay at this weight.. why ruin a good thing??? ( just my thought process at work here.. haha) I need to keep telling myself those kinds of things.. because honestly, think about it girls.. you can lose weight all you want, but you will either die from it, or have to gain it back.. ITS NOT WORTH THE STRUGGLE.
5.-6. Monday I was really struggling, right when I woke up I new it would be a tough day for getting my cals in, so I decided to do something i've never done before, have PB with ever meal!! haha. Its a small, higherish calorie thing that you can add to any meal w/ out adding volume, to help get all your cals in!.. while I didn't meet my goal.. and have been struggling with meeting it.. I tried my best, so i'm proud for that, and I will keep trying in days to follow!..... Oh and yesterday I went shopping and got these two cute cardis.. one is bright yellow, and one is light pink... LOVEEEEEEE.
7.-10. Brace yourself... crazy day coming your way.... lets pause for a quick pic of a flower I took and smell the "roses"... as I take a big breath and begin..
Yesterday was the day I encountered the never ending "jogger"... stressed with work because I couldn't finish everything in the four hours I was there, went for an amazing jog, saved a hedge hog/ or gofer?? Had to tell my mom how to calm down and drive every 10 seconds after she backed into a little wall thing and messed up her car.. AGAIN, saw 7 cop cars with cops and guns standing outside a house near my street.. totally freaked me out because I'm always so afraid that a "bad person" will break in and kill my family/ kidnap or rape me.. I know.. i'm weird. Idk, I actually don't have time to really talk about this day right now.. haha, maybe i'll elaborate more in my next post.. Basically it was just a really hectic day, and I got half the cals in I needed... so i'm disappointed and frustrated... but going to try harder today!
Alright ladies.. super long post.. so thats all for now!! Have a WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!! Enjoy the sun and beautiful weather.. its so precious!! Love yourselves and the world will open itself to you!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I'm sitting here watching the Academy Awards.. that said, this post will most def. take me at least an hour to create. haha. Too many distractions! I often feel like my life is a movie.. it just doesn't feel real sometimes.. does that happen to any of you? Idk.. I mean the way things happen.. I find myself wondering if their are hidden cameras filming me! What if life were like a movie? At least you would know the order in which your life was unfolding. Movies are always set up the same.. they start.. then their is a problem.. climax.. solution.. ending... If you knew what stage of the movie you were in, you would know what was coming next. I suppose that would make life a lot less interesting though. Anywhoo.. haha..I love the Academy Awards.. (or really any red carpet event) because I LOVEEEE looking at all the beautiful gowns all the stars are sporting. Gosh I love clothing.. I could literally shop all day just looking at clothing, thinking of different ways I could create outfits out of unique pieces. Fashion is a wonderful distraction for me. Its something that I like to look at/ think about when i'm home and really having a hard time with ED.. I go online and just "shop".. looking at clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, everythingg.. it really helps get my mind off of everything. I've never actually bought anything online because I don't have a credit card.. but If I did.. STORES, WATCH OUT, GAURD YOUR MERCHANDISE!!! hehehe.. *sigh*.. if only.. :P
A lot has happened since wednesday.. my last post. Some good.. some not so good.. but all necessary to get me back on track and motivated in recovery. Ill start with an outfit I wore...
My staple articles of clothing are a long black shirt, w/ tights or leggings, boots, and some kind of sweater or cardi. *LOVE*.. so you'll see that a lot in my pics :P
Alright.. so back to some things from this week... I'm gona make a top 10 things that happened this week
1. I started training w/ A.. my trainer
2. Challenged lots of Ed fears and freaked out
3. Fought with my N because i'm a pain in the assssss... but then made up because shes awesome :)
4. Started shopping for paris ie. got sneakers to ensure that I look like a tourist and have things thrown at me!.. although my mom says its for comfort.
5. Got a new food journal because I filled up my old one already!
6. Tried chocolate pb for the first time.. WOAH
7. Was tooo self conscious to go to school... :/
8. Went to borders and actually grew the balls to order "Wasted".. the book about anorexia and bulimia
9. Took a day off from exercising
10. Followed my meal plan beautifully :D
... and now on to the explanations.. ready??
1. I was having horrible body image issues thursday.. and couldn't get myself to get out of the house. The only reason I even left was because I started with my trainer A on thursday.. hello triggerrrrrrr!! Not because of her.. but the way my mom was acting really triggered old emotions of when she would totally try to control my life and tell me what to do. Idk.. its hard to explain what happened... my mom was just very... all over me before I even went. Telling me how long to work out before, how fast, then how to tell her to work me out, how much to work out after, and then she was VERRRY pushy about me eating DIRECTLY after finishing my work out so make sure that I build muscle. Ugh I don't even want to really talk about this because you really have to either A) know my mom, B) have been there, or C) have a parent that previously contributed a lot to your eating disorder behaviors. I'm going to train with A again on friday.. so hopefully this one will go better with my mom.. it was nice to have a trainer again though!
(picture from google)
2. After talking with A, she recommended that I chose a day as my "day of rest" and not work out. Thats reallllly hard for me.. If I don't work out everyday I feel sooooo guilty... even if I do work out, but I don't feel its been enough, I feel horrible about myself :/ its pretty much a lose lose kinda thing. However, I decided to give it a go... and I took off friday ( the day after). For some reason, I decided "hey, as long as i'm challenging one ED fear, why not challenge some others???" um.. well heres why that was NOT a good idea.. Challenging multiple fears at one time= MAJOR FREAK OUT. I just got so overwhelmed.. the combination of trying new foods and not working out was too difficult to handle. Luckily I had people to talk to, and they made me feel a lot better.. and the next day I felt better about myself.. (knowing I could work out again helped with that.. haha)
3. Oh gosh, ok, so, I usually NEVER work on Saturdays, and I always work Sundays. I have my work out days very planned out, specific work outs and classes that I am to partake in each day. Saturday is one of my favorite class days.. but I had to cover a shift at work and wasn't able to work out :( On top of that, I had to go food shopping with my N after work.. so basically I was anxious and upset the whole time.. so I went to work out directly after work ended for 1/2 an hour. Well.. my N saw this and was really mad at me for making us go to the store 1/2 an hour later.. she said " Are you serious?? You wanted to go later so you can work out?? Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself??".... that really struck me.. YES, I do think of other people other then myself.. i'm a people pleaser, its what I do. I'm still really hurt from that comment.. I really didn't think that me working out before would be a big deal.. especially since I asked the day before if it was ok if we went later. ugh Idk.. I feel like such a bad person :( I hate conflict.. especially with people I care about. We fought for a little.. then I started crying.. I DON"T CRY. It just so happens, however, that every time I do cry, My nutritionist C always seems to be there. Basically it was not a good saturday.. and i'm still upset from it. We did end up going food shopping.. after an hour long "talk" ( she talked, I starred into space and nodded).. idk. I did feel better after we "made up" and their wasn't any more tension.. but it was still hard to be in the grocery store and get food. The whole time I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.. that i'm a selfish awful person who drags everyone down. :/ not the best feelings.. ugh even writing this now makes me upset. Shes the one person that I feel really has given me that push I needed in recovery.. and i'm always so scared that one day she'll just give up on me.. or start to hate me. I care so much about her, and i'm sooo grateful for everything shes done for me. Something she suggested yesterday was that I quit my job at the Gym and find a different one to make new friends. I've been thinking about this a lot.. but I really feel like, for once, I want something stable in my life... and thats what this job is to me. These people are really my only good friends, and the classes I take are the only things I have in life that i'm enjoying right now.. I just don't feel like stopping all of that could possibly be helpful.. but I may look for either another job, or some type of hobby class thing.. like photography or something.
(picture from google)
4. (i'm going to add the rest of my top ten topics in this one :D... I'm going to Paris over spring break.. I'M SO EXCITED OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I started getting some things I need.. sneakers, journal, little things.. I still need to get a new camera though!! I'm a little nervous for the food in paris.. not being able to read food labels and such.. but its only a week, I think I can handle it!! :P Oh, and I got this choc. pb today and had it on a couple strawberries.. YUM. I even tried it on a cucumber.. not so yum.. lol, but interesting none the less! I've been working really hard on making my meals very balanced and meeting lots of food groups.. but body image keeps slapping me in the face!!! Its so frustrating that you can do everything you need to.. and feel soo awful about yourself after. ED hates my body.. and makes a point at telling me that 24/7. it sucks :'( ....
*ED, can you please let me love myself now???*
random pic from the other day.. :P
....I snuck up on my kitty and took a pic w/ her while she was curled up asleep on my bed. (on a side note.. she only has 3 legs!!! she was hit by a car a few months ago and they had to amputate it :( )
Alright bloggets, thats all I can talk about for now.. I hope you all had an amazing weekend!!!! Remember.. Life is soo special and unique.. try to challenge yourself with something every day.. for thats how one grows and can ultimately find happiness! Life= happiness!! .... I often feel so guilty for having an ED when their are people starving all over the world.. and they have no say in the matter. It really makes me appreciate life.. but saddens me because in the same though.. i'm thinking how fat my thighs are.. *sigh* One day, i'll snap out of this haze and find the strength to fight off ED once and for all!! Because only then can I truly ever help anyone else... and I want to fix the world!!
Have a great night/ day/ week/ MOMENT bloggers... smile at yourselves.. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Good evening my bodacious bloggets! ( the thing above is for a give away.. i'm not cocky. lol)
I don't have all that much I want to say right now.. the past few days have been.. ehh. By that I mean, ED has been breathing down my neck and making me feel horrible about myself :( I'm really trying to stay positive and keep trucking.. but idk, I'm still doing what needs to be done, following my meal plan and all.. ugh i'm just so frustrated with my body, and not being able to change it and make it the small little waif I use to be. Its hard to feel like im in someone else's body.. I really am trying to get use to it.. but its just so hard to look at myself in the mirror with out crying :'( gah, i'm sorry...I dont think anyone needs to read about how fat I feel 24/7 and blah blah blah. who is that going to help? NOT ME, and certainly not YOU my little bloggers!!
... I just feel like i'm stuck at a traffic light.. waiting for the light to turn green.. and i'll be able to go down the road of my life and accept myself and my body... why won't the light turn green????
I can't think like this.. I need to try to ignore my body and think about all the great things I will be able to do once ED is no longer a resident in my brain. Its been almost a year since I started seeing my nutritionist, C, and wow.. i've come sooo far, and yet.. have so more more I need to achieve. I'm so grateful that I stared to see a nutritionist when I started to relapse.. because i'm positive I would have been back in IP if I hadn't. She has helped me soo much, and gone above and beyond what a normal nutritionist needs to do. Part of the reason i'm trying so hard is because I know how much she wants me to get better, and I really don't want to let her down or disappoint her for all the hard work and frustration shes had to go through with me.
hmm.. lemme think of some positive things from this week... I got some school work done.. so thats nice to actually feel like I was accomplishing something positive that doesn't have to do with my ED. :) And I start training with A tomorrow, my personal trainer, so i'm looking forward to that.. oh, and I had a half a banana two days in a row!! lol, i know.. that sounds dumb, but they are a fear food, and one that I think is totally irrational and I want to over come.. so this is how i'm trying to do that! :D.. I liked my outfit today :) haha. I have a lot of fun going through my closet and putting outfits together that I haven't ever created before.. so heres a pic of what I wore today.. turquoise cashmere cardi, new kate spade bag, ruffled grey long tank, black and white tank layered underneath, black opaque tights, and black booties ( not pictures) :)
Recently, a person on formspring asked me.. "How do you deal with your negative emotions? I am realizing that even though I have been on trying and mostly staying on track with recovery my emotions have still been deeply suppressed. Iam afraid of them. All I want to do lately is re suprress them." ... That question really made me think back to the days when I had no Idea what I was feeling.. ever. I was always numb and had no idea how to tap into my emotions.. It made me realize how far i've come with identifying how i'm feeling.. and it made me really proud :) .. this was my response.....
Dealing with emotions of any sort is really hard.. but especially negative emotions. Their are lots of different ways to deal with them.. but for me, I've found that journaling/ blogging/ or talking to friends really helps. Even though its hard to talk about your emotions, their is a relief that comes from expressing them in some way. If you really feel that you can't handle your emotions, I would talk to your Dr and see if their is something he/she can do to adjust your meds (if you take any.. but most ED people do.. :P haha) Don't be afraid of your emotions, embrace them.. your emotions let you know a little bit more about yourself.. you learn about your fears, hopes, dreams.. if you shut them out, you won't ever be able to fully recover because a whole part of you will be missing. I really do think talking ( either online or in person) has helped me a lot.. just getting things off my chest helps you think things through rationally.. and receiving feedback really helps put things into perspective. And as I mentioned before, journaling really helps too.. just write what ever you feel.. don't even think. Write curse words, abbreviations, anything that helps get your point across.. and if you can't get in touch with your emotions, write about why you think that is. Don't give up girlie, its hard, but you can do it!! <3 xoxo
I'm glad today is wednesday.. HUMP DAY!! because that means the week is almost over.. and the sooner the week ends, the sooner spring break comes, and the sooner I get to go to PARIS!!! AHHHHH, I can't wait!!! only a couple more weeks :)
( BTW I guess technically now its thursday.. because its like 12:15am... but I totally started writing this at like 11 but kept getting distracted!!!! gah!!! :P I'm really determined to make this a great week.. its so scary to start to go off track... it causes so much uncertainty and frustration that is not necessary!! I want to be like this flower.. beautiful, bright, radiant... I mean come on, how confident does this flower look!? Its like freaking glowing!
Be a flower!! Flourish, grow, and nourish yourselves! You all deserve health and happiness, don't settle for anything less!! Someone else posted on my formspring saying that they felt they couldn't beat ED.. and I know a lot of people feel like that.. so this is what I had to say..
Yes you can!! Its soo hard, and you may have days even weeks when you're in a rut, but if you reach out for help and support, it will get sooo much better. Don't give up, and don't give in.. you wouldn't go into a game or a competition thinking you've already lost, or will lose, so don't think that way about the biggest battle of your life. You CAN do this and you CAN beat this.. your life is so worth living.. you just need to give it a chance. Something I tell myself a lot is "let me try recovery.. and if I don't like it, I can always go back.. ED is always an option" and no.. that doesn't mean i'm planning on going back to my ED (although I do still have one.. I feel like i'm speaking like i'm recovered.. i'm not, just working hard in recovery).. its just a way for me to take away some of the fear of losing my ED forever. You have nothing to lose in trying right? Keep fighting, and reach out for support.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! xoxo <3
I think I might start posting some formspring Q&A regularly.. because some of them I feel like I want to blog about anyway.. so this just saves some time :P haha
So reach out girls, don't be afraid to ask for help, but make sure you embrace it!!
Keep fighting amazing girlies, I have faith and believe in all of you!!!