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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just another wacky wednesday! :P

Morning lovely Bloggers!!... or, I guess I should say.. Afternoon lovely Bloggers!! :D

Today, as well as the past 4 days i've woken up realllllyyyy late.. around like 11:00, or ever 12:00!! which believe me is very late for me. :P I have a lot of things of my mind this morning, so bare with me while I try to organize them all in a coherent fashion! I guess I'll finish this one though about today.. hmmm today. Well its lovely and sunny outside again! yay sun! I'm thinking maybe ill take a walk or something.. since i've been cooped up in the house for so long. I think i'm going back to school tomorrow.. can't hid out forever! Although.. hehe.. last night, I really wanted some nut butter from Trader Joes.. so I like wrapped my head in a scarf, put my hood on, and then put my jacket on and went into Trader Joes! Drastic measure, I know, but i'm telling you all.. you should have seen me! Oh man, it was hysterical. Then when I was in the check out line.. ok. note to self, never try to cover anything up, because people are nosey and will try too see what your hiding TEN TIMES MORE. yes. The lady at the cash register was like glaring at me, and like, you know what people do with their head when they are trying to get a good look at something and they can't see it??? well yeah, she was doing that.. and was all like.. can I help you with anything? did you find everything alright? hows your day..?? .... yeah, idk, I would have been better off going in there with my chipmunk cheeks!! Anyway.. on to something less pointless then this story.. haha

Ok.. so firstly I would like to say, THANK YOU to everyone who is reading my blog, and who gave me such positive feedback in comments yesterday on my ED letter post. I always have a fear that I shouldn't be putting such personal things on the internet for everyone to see.. especially since i've really been a very private person all my life. Sometimes I worry people will judge me for what I write, or see me strictly as an Anorexic/ recovering Anorexic.. and not an 18 year old girl who is trying to take control over her life. Yes, I have Anorexia, but I, ME, MYSELF, I am not Anorexic.. to me there is a difference. I don't say any of this regarding weight.. because yes that is a part of Anorexia, being under 18.5% BMI..( which I guess technicallllllyy i'm under by .5% lol, but I still consider myself to be at a recovering weight) but even if your not underweight, you can still have Anorexia. Just because I've been poked, prodded, stuffed, fed, and threatened to gain weight.. i'm still of one mind, the same mind I was before gaining weight. Now before all of you read this and go all "whattt, I thought she was doing well and now shes talking about how shes all Anorexic and stuff!!" dont worry.. I AM doing really well, and while I don't think I am IN recovery ( I KNOW im not in recovery.. its only been like a month since i've been at this weight and been on track) I am on a great, healthy track towards it!! I'm just trying to clarify something for people... because I kinda got the vibe that people feel as though I have conquered Anorexia.. but i'm just scratching the surface of it.. and I'm scared to disappoint people by this. Its a constant struggle, every day. Yes, i've come VERY far from where I was.. but sometimes my mind does go back to the place I was in when I wrote that letter.. the difference is that now I can realize that and tell myself to come back, (most of the time) which is what working on recovery is. The support i've been getting the past few days has been SOOO amazing.. i've never gotten this much support and encouragement in my entire life.. and I really feel as though its helping me to keep making healthy choices.. so for that I am really grateful, and want to THANK YOU all, and people on formspring!!! Its really been so amazing reading comments telling me that I have inspired people, and that people believe in me.. i've never been told those things before.. I almost don't even know how to take those wonderful things in! AH!! haha.

I took this pic outside of an ACME I believe.. haha. When I look at this picture (underneath) I see a tree.. and in the shadow it almost looks as if its an evil demon trying to posses the tree. I know I know, far out, sounds redic, but think about it in regards to an ED. ED is your shadow.. he follows you everywhere, mocks what your doing, distorts the way you look.. ED is your shadow, not you.

Another thing I wanted to say about the letter is.. writing that letter, and the ones previous to it, was very therapeutic for me... as was re-reading in. WIth that said.. I really do encourage people to write their own letters.. you don't even have to have an ED. Write a letter to your fears, anxieties, parents, food, anything that you feel you are having trouble with. Then read it back to yourself. It doesn't have to be that day.. you could wait days, or even weeks, but read it back. When you re-read your thoughts and fears, it really puts things into perspective.. and not just one time, every time you read it you will gain something from it. At first I didn't think doing this would help me.. the only time I ever really wrote was when I was in treatment.. and that was something I forced myself to do everyday so I could document my time spent there. But once I wrote the first letter.. i just felt such a weight lifted off me.. its so hard to explained.. it was like all the feelings drained out of me onto that paper. I was actually physically and mentally tired after writing it! haha. So, anyway, I really do encourage each and every one of you to write your own letters to ED, or w/e you feel is taking control of your life that you want back. <3

This picture I took on my walk to school (as I do with most of my pics.. haha) In this post, I feel like it helps to symbolize a road to recovery.. doesn't the pic just make you wana walk right down the path!! haha :)

I encourage you all to keep traveling, or begin your travel, down the road to recovery.. Life has so much more to offer you then ED could ever give you.

-A <3

1 comment:

  1. i love that you are posting more often :] stay strong baby <3 i'm so proud of you (though you probably don't feel i am...) for doing what you've been doing these past few months and believe it or not, i am trying to do the same. but i look up to you, because i know how similar we are and if you can do it, so can i. i love you andrea <3