I hate that its a snow day on a saturday.. mostly because thats the day I get to go to the gym and now I totally can't go :( haha. I think this is like the 3rd time this year that its snowed over the weekend and been totally fine for school. BOOO timing, snow and school really need to get in sync with each other.
ANYWAY. I decided to take this opportunity of being stuck in the house to try some new foods, and some different combos of food that I already eat. I don't know why.. but I feel so guilty :( I'm really weird with putting foods together.. I feel like (well ED tells me) everything needs to be eating separately because it takes longer to eat, and fills you up faster. In doing that, i miss out on a lot of things I like, such as one this i made today- hummus sandwich with lettuce :) I have no problem eating just hummus ( weird I know) and i've even gotten use to putting it with veggies, and I have no problem with eating a slice or two of bread ( well i mean I always feel guilty eating carbs, but I know I have too), but putting them together is like a major ED no no. SO that was one of the things I tried. Another thing was an almond and apple butter sandwich. Usually I'll just have like a teaspoon of apple butter, or a teaspoon of almond butter, but never do I put them together, and NEVER do I put them on bread... WHY AM I SO WEIRD?? we'll none the less I did both of those things.. mostly because I used light bread so it was only 40cals each.. and I didn't feel as guilty making 2 sandwiches with it since it was basically like having one. I only mention cals because thats how my meal plan works, I use exchanges and calories. So I have like certain calorie goals I have to meet at certain points of the day to make sure I get them all in by the end of the day. I recently increased them so I really feel like every time I eat is a binge.. I feel like I eat sooo much!! Its like every 3 hours, 6 meals a day. crazyness.. even though I know thats what a lot of girls do. Idk, I mean i was doing 6 meals a day before.. they were just like half the size they are now.. literally.
Also, I'm so sick of that huge bloated stomach I have going on right now!!! Its like every time I eat, no matter what, I look 9 months pregnant!! so uncomfortable, and makes me hate eating that much more :( I really hope that goes away soon, because its been happening for a couple months now, and my DR said it was my body getting use to food.. but UH, HELLO, SHOULDN'T IT BE USE TO FOOD BY NOW?? idk :/ I'm trying to not weigh myself since i've gained XX pounds, and I know seeing the number will make me want to restrict.. but i'm so scared that its gone up from that.. I mean it must have because I increased my cals.
I'm having such a hard time with recovery :/ But I don't want to stop following my meal plan and start restricting because my metabolism is so screwed up, idk how it would react. There was a point that I was eating a really low # of cals.. and my body was just gaining and it totally freaked me out! I actually think that was one of my main motivations to start increasing my meal plan.. I really want to get my body working correctly again.
Alright last topic I want to talk about.. food thoughts. I'm thinking about food 24/7. what i'm going to eat, when i'm going to eat, how many calories there are, how I can get all of my calories in, its soo frustrating!! I feel like i'm suppose to be eating every second! IM NOT EVEN HUNGRY!! And i'm scared this will lead to me over eating, or binge eating.. :( blah, sometimes I wish I were back in Renfrew because they take all the guess work out of everything. You eat what, when, and the amount they tell you.. the only downside was the actual food they made you eat. ( i'm my opinion) Is it normal to have food constantly on my mind?? I have such anxiety about having meals, I'd almost rather just have one giant meal for the day so I know I could be done thinking about it. idk what to do :(
I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it either. All my ED friends live all over the place, and I don't want to bother them with these feelings. I wanted to be the strong friend that influenced recovery and gave them hope. I also don't want to let them know i'm struggling with things because I feel like I'm not allowed to struggle now that i've gained so much weight. I don't even feel like I'm allowed to say I have an ED.. I have to say i'm recovered because thats what my body reflects. Idk.. some what of a discouraging post.. as was the last one.. just had a few more things to vent about!! Not every post can be all happy and motivating anyway right?! that would be boring :P
Thanks for taking the time to read this extremely long post!!( who ever does)
Have a great, safe, happy, and healthy day!
xoxo
-A <3
Looking out the glass doors to my shed.. so much snow!!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you're feeling right now. I'm struggling with the same kind of things. Remember though that eating disorders are a mental disease...so even though you don't feel that you're "allowed" to say you have an ED or that you have to say that you're recovered because that's what you feel your body reflects, remember that it's the emotional and mental parts that count as well, not just your physical appearance. :) Also, I am SURE your friends would not feel like you were bothering them if you talked to them about what's going on.
Hang in there!
~ Catherine
I can relate to so much of what you said! One of my main motivations for recovery is my metabolism! It was crazy what I would gain on. So def dont decrease it takes at least 2 months of CONSISTANT eating (no days of restricting) to get that metabolism back so your body doesnt think its going to starve again. Stick with it, your digestive tract and metabolism will be working smoothly soon. The mind however.... that takes us longer. Is it normal to be thinking about food non-stop for the normal population? no. but is it normal for a recovering anorexic? absolutely. THe food thoughts hopefully decrease with time... thats what I keep telling myself anyways! :)
ReplyDeleteoh gosh a consistent two months?? thats daunting haha. I'll def try, but I seem to fall off the wagon every other week.. endless cycle that I SO want to stop. But, its almost been 2 weeks of me on this higher cal meal plan and so far so good!! My only fear is now i'm getting my wisdom teeth out this week.. I think that spells food disaster.. I'm gonna talk about that in my next post... :P
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