About Me

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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Holiday woes.. and combating ED!

Hey everyone!
I haven't posted in a while.. kinda on purpose because, although I am doing really well and sticking too the refeeding process, upping my cals, and not over exercising, im not really motivated to keep going and kinda down on myself :/ I think what has me particularly upset is the holidays.... but heres a pic of me ( i'm the one in black) and my family before Thanksgiving dinner.. love them <3

I've been dreading Thanksgiving since November started, and now thats its past.. i'm just so disappointed in myself. I feel like I completely lost control and binged. I FEEL DISGUSTING. I challenged myself a lot with holiday foods.. knowing that I wouldn't allow myself to have those things again until.. well who knows when. I know for a normal person, the amount of food I ate wasn't really a binge.. but thats the thing.. I don't feel like a normal person, I don't want to look like a normal person, so why should I do normal things?? IM NOT NORMAL, I HAVE AN ED. Ugh... I don't want to look normal when I feel so strange and conflicted with my self on a daily basis. How can I show how I feel if not though my body??
I hate feeling judged by my family.. or anyone really. Because i've been trying really hard to up my weight and get to a place that my dr. wont send me to IP, i've obviously gained, and I look different then I did the last time they saw me.. so I feel like they were all thinking "oh she looks so healthy, she must be all better, she doesn't even look like she has a problem anymore.. shes not thin." :( its so hard. I really just want to restrict and exercise until wednesday when I have to eat with my nutritionist. I can't even describe this feeling I have towards myself. I'm disappointed, scared, angry, sad, hopeless, disgusted, ashamed, I feel like I gave up control. Its so awful.. and I know most ED girls can kinda understand, but man.. negative feelings towards yourself and your body make it so hard to recover!!--> go figure right?
As much as I REALLY want to loose all the weight i've gained.. and more, and as upset and disgusted I am with my body right now... i'm still going to keep fighting. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help with the way I deal with it. I'm not going to let this make me crumble. I've worked too hard to get to this place in my recovery, and its not the first time either.. but this fight is too hard to start all over again. "ED, YOU WILL BE DEFEATED!!" There are so many things i'm looking forward to not having to deal with anymore once Eds gone...but at the same time i'm sooo afraid to loose them because I feel like i'm loosing part of my identity. I don't know who I am with out an ED since i've had one for 7 years... and i'm 18. These things that i'm looking forward to not having to deal with, are also what keep me sane, and my ED happy...like,
not having to sit on my laptop case for padding on the seats at school, not having my hair fall out, not always being cold, not having dry skin and chapped lips, not always being tiered and weak, not having my nails break every 10 seconds, not being so spacey that I can't think, not having my joints hurt, not having food, weight, and calories on my mind constantly, not having my skin be colorless, not being sad and anxious all the time, not being lonely and isolated, not having to eat every 3 hours, not having gastroparesis.. which is not fun when you're refeeding to have your food take forever to digest!.. alright the list goes on.. but you get the point---> ED SUCKS... and you can clearly see that not dealing with all of these things would be great.. but where does that leave me..? With out having to deal with those things.. I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what to think about, how to act, what to do, how to live... its scary.

Alright this post is long enough. Sorry it was kind of all over the place.. hopefully some of it was motivating, because thats my main goal with this blog, to motivate others!.. and myself of coarse. :)
I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday to the best of their abilities... and to those who didn't, don't worry. There are few holidays, and many more normal days, so you have plenty of days to make up for bad ones and enjoy yourself!! Take every day one day at a time, and don't get a head of yourself. The road to recovery is an extremely hard path to walk down, but if it weren't, the end result wouldn't be as amazing <3 :)
-A <3

Saturday, November 14, 2009

15 mins of torture.. but a new sweater to make up for it!

Hey ladies!
Before I get started i'll say a quick update on how my lovely Dr. appt. was. So, I had breakfast, then snack, then a water bottle, and then was ready to get in the car to go to my appt :) haha. So I got there.. and it was literally all over and done with in 15 mins. All that stress and worry I put myself through every time these appointments roll around for 15 mins... WOW. But anyway, got to my appt and changed into my gown.. ( i'm no longer allowed to wear clothes when i get weighed because I got caught tying a water bottle in the drawstring of my pants... hey i was desperate to make weight that day!!).. haha, and then stepped on the scale to see where I was at before my dr. came in. still not there.. but SOOO CLOSE!!!!! UGH!.. so, I sat down on the little bed thingy and tried to figure out if I should just accept that I didn't make the weight, or drink my other water bottle.. but honestly.. I was just too full to even look at that thing! My Dr. came in, weighed me backward.. (idk why she does this because she knows I weigh myself right before she comes in so I can see my weight.. ) and then gave me a look. Before she could say anything I was like " be proud of me!!! I gained!! look at the positive I gained!!.. SMILE!!!!!" .. haha yeahh.. i'm a dork... and she didn't buy into that either. She said she was "happy" but not happy enough, and that I broke our promise and she was NOT happy about that. ( I didn't break our promise!! I PROMISED I would try to gain to that number, and I really did.. I gained 7 pounds!! I think thats pretty freakin good!.!. butt head.. lol) anyway, long story short, she said she would give me more time to get to that number, and I promised I would do it.. and I WILL! so anyway, this was my thursday.. and then after that I went shopping and treated myself to a new sweater to make myself feel better about the weight that i'm trying really hard to be proud of gaining.. even though I feel pretty horrid about the way I look now.. :/ eh.... and family therapy was also really hard... I don't know how my dad can just deny everything hes done.. but.. I guess thats a whole nother story!! ... But i really like my new sweater!! haha! shopping really does make things better ... heres a pic of it.. and my kitty! (its kinda hard to really see it.. but it has double breasted buttons, its navy blue, and has a really nice collar... gosh i love clothes.. :)

... alright, so, its now saturday... not too much has happened since that appointment... still trying really hard to stay on track!... its just starting to get harder and harder... WORST BODY IMAGE EVER! I hate how body image has to come last.. because no matter how hard I work to gain the weight, or fight ed, if im displeased with the way I look.. i'm never going to be happy anyway. its so hard to keep choosing to eat and keep feeling awful about myself when I know exactly what I have to do to change it. ugh its so hard :(.. Oh well, since they say it comes last.. that means it has to come eventually right?! And i'm not going to waste my life trying to be pleased with how I look.. because what kind of life would that be??.. A BAD ONE!!
Alright ladies, i'm fresh outa things to talk about at the moment.. but never fear, there is always more to talk about tomorrow!! haha
Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!! take care, love yourselves, and stay motivated!! you deserve it!!
-A <3

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Water bottles, muffins, and chaos..

This is a pic I took on my phone.. It kinda captures how I feel.. confined, lost, alone.. but a light at the end of the tunnel.. (yellow tree in the distance)

Hello lovely ladies!
I didn't post yesterday because my feelings were all over the place, and didn't even want to attempt at writing them down!.. but today I think I understand them better, so i'll talk a bit about my lovely day yesterday.. But first I need to explain the background stuff... haha
Alright, so, firstly, I have a Dr. appointment today, and its been on my mind since.. well since my last appointment a month ago haha ( I use to go every 3 weeks but now I go every month). So, a week before the appointment I always start to freak out a bit, and it always happens the same way.. I wake up, weight myself to see where i'm at, like it, hate it, stare at it, it never really matters what the number is because no number is satisfactory. Then I think about the number my Dr. wants me at.. and BAM, off to the kitchen to start this weight gain that is not even possible in the span of a week, but non the less i'm gonna give it a go!! One could say that every week before my appointment is one of my best weeks ever for trying to combat ED... I follow my meal plan to the T, I don't exercise, I try new scary foods because I figure " what the hell, I have to gain weight anyway, so I might as well indulge this once!", I eat every one to two hours, and I keep track of everything i'm eating PERFECTLY... ( I usually don't like to keep track because I hate writing it down and acknowledging how much i've eaten.. it makes me feel like a failure or a pig or something.)
Anywhoooo, my appointment is today, so thats why yesterday in particular I was a bit all over the place... One second I was proud of myself for having that low fat blueberry muffin that I always pass by in the farmers market, but never let myself have.. and the next second I felt guilty as hell, like a failure and a disgusting pig. On top of that.. its hard to actually watch my weight go up for a week strait.. because usually I try to just maintain., The thing is though.. in doing this every month... after the Dr. appointment, I totally backslide and try to lose the weight again, and the cycle starts over. WHY CAN'T I JUST MAINTAIN WITH OUT MAKING MYSELF LOSE AND GAIN CONSTANTLY!!? idk, it just doesn't make sense to me why I always put myself through this endless cycle of torture.. BOOOO. But, even though I do gain.. I still don't make it to where I have to be.. so I always bring water bottles to my appointment, step on the scale in my gown, see the number.. and then CHUG. I only do this because she is SOOOO focused on the number, and not the fact that I actually am doing much better and sooo motivated for recovery.. why does it matter if im not statistically at that "healthy" number just yet?? ... and since my Dr. said if I didn't get to a certain weight by this appointment she was going to send me to Princeton EDU.. i've had a little extra motivation to keep up trucking! I am gaining.. just not that fast, I don't really want to post my bmi.. but even though its not in the healthy 18 range, its still healthy enough compared to what it use to be, why can't that be good enough?.. ugh im just trying so hard.. I wish I would receive a little credit and praise once in a while..
The other thing on my mind today is FAMILY THERAPY.. BOO!! My family is.. um.. lets just say you would expect to see it on a soap opera of some sort. :/ .. and every session always turns into bash "A"sessions. Talking about how my dad hated me for being born, how much stress I cause the family blah blah blah.
Alright, enough of that sad ranting weight and family talk.. on to some positive energy time! I'm sure my appointment will go well because i'm planning on walking in that office and telling it like it is, no im not at your number, but i'm trying VERY hard, and i've made great strides towards my recovery! :) I'll get through family therapy just like I always do.. my family has issues, and its a good thing that we are all there to try to work them out.. things can only get better from here! I'm excited to face these two hurdles in my day and come out of it just fine, and motivated for a great day tomorrow!.. I even think ill treat myself to a little hot chocolate after my Dr. appt today :) ... ( i know that doesn't sound like a big deal.. but drinks with calories freak me out a bit.. but i love hot chocolate so I really want to challenge my ED and enjoy it!)
stay strong ladies!! the path to recovery is hard , but the end is worth more then anything.. LIFE!!!
-A <3

Monday, November 9, 2009

Breaking the Ice... and my sanity!

(Pic I took on my phone.. could all the colorful leaves mixing in with the rocks be the many components that make up me.. and all of my thouhgts?? perhaps?? haha I over analyze things :P )
Hey everyone!... I'm having a GREAT day!... and its making me really upset. :( ...yeah. I guess ill elaborate.. haha.
Time to break the ice I suppose...I have a dr. appt this thursday that will determined if my dr. is going to send me ip again... although i'm 18 now so idk how effective her word against mine is.... But anywhoooo, i've been working really really REALLY hard to get myself where I need to be, weight wise and Ed symptom wise. The thing is.. I feel like i'm in a fog right now. I'm going through all the motions.. and i've been doing everything right for the past week... but i'm worried that once my appointment is over i'm going to snap out of this haziness and start to restrict and over exercise again. I'm just really scared.. I want recovery soo badly.. I'm so motivated.. but for some reason I always sabotage myself after a couple good weeks. :/
Alright. I guess i'll just go for it and explain a bit about me....I've had anorexia (yuck i hate that word..) for 7 years but my parents have only know about it for 2 and a half years. Since they've found out, i've been inpatient twice ( two months each time), along with day treatment for a few weeks, IOP for a few weeks, and now i'm just outpatient. I've lost so much to this disorder.. friends, hobbies, fun, TIME..
I can't wait until this part of my life is just a memory.. and i'll be able to say i've recovered.. maybe help others keep fighting as well :) I'm so tiered of how ED makes me feel.. cold, weak, exhausted, sad, sick, self conscious, OBSESSED, my hair is thinning, my joints ache, I sit on my lap top case at school and carry an extra jacket for the back of my chair so I don't get as many bruises on my spine or .. um.. bottom..? haha. Thats no way to live... and I know that now. I'm soo ready for recovery.. and to regain my sanity! Life can be so amazing once you are in control of your own thoughts... and when you think about it.. do you really want to trade life for bones? .. If you had asked me that a few months ago my answer may be a little uncertain.. but I know the right decision now. PRO LIFE not ED!! I'm confident that Ed can be stopped, no matter who he has his grips on, you just have to fight. HARD... and thats what i'm going to do.. and encourage my friends to keep doing! .... yes i'm scared i'm going to relapse after my week of doing well.. and yes thats been weighing on my mind all day.. but.. I have to stay positive and celebrate another day of hard work! I challenged myself with new foods, increased my calories, and didn't go to the gym!.. and i'm really proud :) ... even though Ed is not and keeps telling me that he can see every ounce i'm gaining, i'm a failure, and that I look revolting.. :/..I know I know, I need to say.. SHUT UP ED!!... I'm trying to stay positive.. really I am.. because I believe thats whats going to get me through this.. but UGH! IT'S HARD!!! alright. thats enough for now.. more then I thought I was going to say.. but I guess its true.. writing your feelings down does help!!
Stay well, focused, and positve everyone! Hope you all had a pleasant Monday.. and have a GREAT night :)
xoxo <3
- A

Sunday, November 8, 2009

New beginnings... first post!

( This picture I took really symbolizes hope for me.. i'm not sure why.. its just really inspiring and makes me happy.. who knew a simple picture of a plant could do that?! haha )
Hey everyone!
I'm A, we'll no thats not my real name, but for the sake of this being my first post I decided to remain under an alias for now because i'm not sure that someone would actually want to read my blogs... and therefore I don't want people to know who I really am.. haha. So.. HEY I"M A!
I originally decided to create a blog so I would be able to offer support to a few of my other friends who have blogs. My one friend Becca told me she was hoping that blogging would help her recover from her ED, and several people I know have a blog for that reason as well (I believe).. so for their sake I hope it works!! Send them lots of love and support Bloggers! <3
Hmm... thinking... thinking... gosh I don't know what I want to divulge to you all!!...I have so much I want to say, but I don't know if I want the world to know anything! Blogging is such a weird concept for me.. its like a journal you're posting to the world..? scary. we'll anway, let me stop writing about how I don't want to write.. haha. What I will say is this...
I'm here to offer support to anyone who has an ED, is a self harmer, has family problems, or is just working on getting through life!!.. and anyone else who doesn't fit those requirements as well :)... I can just relate the most to those..
Alright bloggers.. i'm testing you out. This is my trial run.. if all goes well and I receive a relatively positive response.. i'll make future (more detailed) posts and get more involved with this whole process! Yay get hype!.. other wise I will remain on here to offer support to my lovely frew crew ladies <3
Stay strong, Stay positve and everyone out there.. HAVE A GREAT DAY!
xoxo <3