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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Remember why you stopped doing that??

Bonjour mes amis!!
Would you like to know my current mood???? ohhh I bet you wouldddd

yeah. :P haha. well if you couldn't tell from the pic.. which you prob couldn't >.<, i'm a TAD BID FRUSTRATED.. mostly with myself.. and i'm freakin pissed at ED!!!

Lets talk about yesterday, (FRIDAY) shall we?? ok.. i'll write you read... that might work better. ;)
Sooo, ED has kindaa taken the wheel the past couple days, and yesterday really was no different. I tried to have breakfast.. which I did have some of.. but just lost all desire for it. I WANT CRUNCHY/ CHEWY FOOD!!! AKA apples, hummus wraps, salads, veggies, YUMMY FOODS THAT I LIKE. I'm so sick of everything else that i've been doomed to eat from lack of wisdom teeth. ( I swear I will stop talking about them being removed.. as soon as I can eat again :P.. until then I am exercising my right to complain about it!!!! RAWR!!) I figured "eh, bump in the road, i'll eat my snack/ lunch later and get back on track".. or not? Idk.. I ended up going to the gym in the late afternoon, and then afterwards, my friend picked me up and brought me to her campus (Arcadia) for our sleep over. <-- shout out to ELIZA who may possibly be going to this school next year!.. i'm there all the time visiting my friend who is a senior. Anywho, so yeah, we chill for a while and then, where do we go you ask?? To see The Vagina Monologues... uh.. yeah. Need I say more?? ANSWER: no. Alright, so then we meet up with our other friend and went back to K's appt. (BTW, I work with these two lovely girlies at the gym) The rest of the night consists of talking and relaxing... it was really nice :).. and at around 2 AM.. they decided they were FINALLY hungry for dinner and got food from KFC. Umm.. yeah.. three things wrong with this plan. 1. I don't eat fast food... obvi.. 2. I can't get anything because I can't chew, and 3. HELL NO AM I EATING AT 2:00AM!!... needless to say, I didn't partake in their festivities. Around 3:30.. K decided it was bed time.. so we went to bed.. and I fell asleep at around 4:00am.. only to be woken up at 6;30. WOOOO two and a half hours of sleep!!!! :D haha. Despite the food thing.. the night went well.. but I just wasn't mentally there. I was pretty drained, and realized if I had followed my meal plan, I would have felt SOOO much better, and enjoyed myself a lot more.

This pic I took walking home from school... this is kinda how I felt yesterday.. like that bench. Its surrounded by different things that are totally enjoyable (ie trees and such) and yet its lonely, empty and just blahhh at the same time.

Heres where I'm REALLYYYYY DISAPPOINTED with myself.. and Ed.

The next day (today) we woke up at 6:30 (as I previously stated) and got ready to go to the gym so she could teach her Pool class in an hour or so. Katie realizes... "umm.. you haven't eating in like XX hours.. if that.. YOU NEED BREAKFAST!".. :/ ugh if only I were normal and sentences like that didn't exsist in my life. BUT, they do, and this is how I dealt with it..
I agreed to have a yogurt (poored half out when she was in a dif room)
I agreed to have a piece of bread (crumbled it up and stuck it in my sleeve.. which is something I did in IP all the time.. :x haha)
I agreed to have ANOTHER higher cal yogurt because she wasn't satisfied with my total cals (proceeded to poor half that yogurt out as well.

DECEIVE MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT!!! ugh :( :( I can't believe I did that.. and the whole time I was like "remember why you stopped doing that??? BECAUSE ITS STUPID AND HURTS OTHERS AS WELL AS YOURSELF" .... I feel so guilty and awful about it.. I don't know what to do... but I just COULDN'T eat that food! idk why!!! My heart was beating so fast and I was SILENTLY freaking out the whole time.. :(.. I can't talk to her about it though because I'm scared i'll lose her as a friend.. and I honestly feel like since becoming friends with her, i've done the best EVER with my ED and recovery... and it would be awful to lose someone who has helped me so much. I really don't know what to do.. I can't ever let that happen again though, thats for sure.. because its not right, or fair to her. I'm a bad person >.< BLAH!! I hate disappointing people and letting them down.. but I also hate losing trust from people. Ugh, I swear if I screw up this friendship.. idk what i'm going to do ;'(

This pic I took near Staples.. this is what my future will if I keep treating people this way... a lonely fire hydrant on a side walk.

I did how ever, go food shopping with my nutritionist today, where I confessed to her how i've been struggling.. and she was nothing but supportive in helping me find foods to get back on track. When I got home, I made myself a large snack/lunch/dinner/snack (all combined.. lol) to help get back on track so that tomorrow will be easier to start all over.
So, I can say that i'm hopeful that tomorrow will be looking up for me in the EATS department.. because I really need to get my head back in the game and re-focus.. which I think I did a good job starting tonight. I'm babysitting tonight.. so that should be fun :) I love kids.. they are so cute and innocent.. oh to be young again.. *sigh* :P haha

Sorry this was such a downer post.. but I think it ended on a good note!! Thats my one blogging rule, all posts must end on a good note, even if I'm in an awful mood.. their is always time to change your day around!

Heres a happier pic I took.. still a lonely tree.. (gotta stick with the theme :P ) But it ebbs and flows in the wind, just like I need to do with change.. be more easy going.. go with the flow.... NOT freak out over the fact that my friends food was not MY food, and was their for deemed unsafe by ED. curse you ED and your none flowing ways! ;)

Hope everyone is healthy, happy and well!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.. remember, Sunday is a day of rest, so really enjoy YOURSELF tomorrow, and do some nice relaxing things for you. You girls are all amazing and deserve to fight.. so battle on my little ED warriors!! <3 :D



  1. Oh, sweetheart.
    Although you've had a bit of a rough patch, and things haven't really gone the way they should have, you realize this. Don't be disappointed in yourself, but rather chanel that anger into ED, because you can use that as fuel to fight against ED.
    You deserve to be healthy, happy and well too, Andrea. You deserve to live life, and love the life you live. You deserve to be free from ED. Every day is an opportunity to beat it down. Take those opportunities, take that chance. Battle on, my little ED Warrior. <3

    Eleanor. xo

  2. baby, don't let this stupid wisdom teeth business be an excuse to fall back into old patterns. you know how hard it is for you especially to get yourself out of those ruts after you are in them. i hope you can turn things around tomorrow!! btw, i love how you let your personality come through in these last few posts :] i feel like i'm with you and since our last meeting was an epic fail, it's really nice!! hehe :]
    love you<3

  3. Hey beauty ;p
    It must be so hard to have to eat your mp while in pain and discomfort, but you will be fixed before you know it, and able to put all this behind you... your beautiful pictures and stories were amazing, loved the last picture, you will be blowing in the wind free as a bird babydoll, i know it. always here for you! love you hope you have a beautiful day!

  4. Oh hun, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I've been catching myself doing similar things that I haven't done in forever. I don't even have an excuse!

    I hope today was better for you. Keep fighting. You deserve health + happiness just like everyone else...and that's something that ED CAN'T give you.

    ~ Catherine