About Me

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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

change your mind, change your life

Good morning lovies!!!

Today I thought I would start off with some inspirational quotes....

"If you always do what you always did, then you always get what you always got"

"Live the life you love, Love the life you live"

"“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but everybody can move forwards and make a new ending."

The last one was from a lovely person who posts quotes on my formspring :)

Another beautiful day called for another outdoor photo shoot! Now i'm gonna feel bad for my readers when I have to take pics of my outfits inside because those pics aren't as cool haha I'm gonna split them up again since I have a bunch of pics.. :P

Striped white and black Cardi and chunky white and gold necklace from London, black romper, black tights, black short motorcycle boots, and a HIGH bun. haha

Recently i've been feeling SO motivated for recovery, and I think i'm doing pretty well in my attempts :)
I keep thinking about my life and wondering what I want from it.. do I want to enjoy myself? do I want to be healthy? do I want to have friends? do I want others to enjoy my company? do I want to LIVE?... answer: yes! so why am I still letting ED tell me that all I want is to be THIN? Their is SO much more to live for then perfecting your appearance.
I want to be able to smile with true feelings underneath, laugh with happiness beaming from my soul, and go through day to day knowing I'm HERE, I'm LIVING, and I'm FREE to make choices that will make me a happy healthy person.

Reflect on your life. What makes you happy? do you know? do you even know yourself? <---- these are questions I asked myself at the begging of this week, and i'm still searching for the answers. I know what should technically make me happy, but I don't know who I am, or what I truly like. I want to start to taste foods with out the thought swirling around my head "you should like this because its low cal.. even if it doesn't taste as good as the other thing.. you should like it better." ED has been such a part of my life for as long as I can remember.. he made most of my decisions and choices in my life.. almost like a parent. BUT, i'm 18 now, an adult, fully capable and legal to make my own decisions. I need to be set out on my own... and be free to make choices and mistakes on my own.. away from my parents, and away from ED.

Thats all for today kiddos, I have to go to work but thought I would post a quicky entry while I'm feeling so motivated! (not that this feeling wont last or anything.. :P )

Enjoy your day!!! its a bit rainy and dreary out, so indoor activities (aka shopping) are screaming my name!!! :D

-A <3

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Oh spring how I love you.. and taking pictures in your beautiful weather.. :P

One week since my last post.. i'm such a slacker! Actually, i've been quite the opposite, hence the lack of postage.. i'm a busy bee!! I get out of school in TWO WEEKS!!! May 7th starts finals, and then when they are done we are out of school for 3 weeks to work on senior projects, then come back in June to present them and graduate!! I'M SO FREAKIN ECSTATIC FOR HIGH SCHOOL TO FINALLY COME TO AN END!!!! * angels sing * i'm beaming. truly :D I really never thought I would go through soo much during my entire High School experience.. I guess I never imagined my ED would dominate my life to the point that I needed to go treatment twice.. but, such is life!!

I really don't feel I have much to say at this point.. working diligently on recovery and mending relationships. Recently, another girl I was in treatment with passed away.. which was definitely a shock, but also a bit of a wake up call. I always think that nothing will happen to me because i've gotten myself out of the danger zone with weight.. but the damage to my body is done, and if I continue to practice ED tendencies, I could potentially die no matter what my weight is. I think the news of my friend passing also shook up a couple of my friends. One friend of mine has been having trouble with "dealing" with me. She is so concerned that I may die from all the running I do and strain that it puts on my heart, that she doesn't want to hang out with me at all. She says it would be to hard for her to have a friend die, so until I start to exercise less, we can't hang out. Honestly, I don't blame her. I know how frustrating it is to watch someone hurt themselves and be in denial about it.. but at the same time.. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been working on not exercising as much, and have gotten a bit better.. but, its so hard for me to just STOP exercising once I start. Its such a good stress relief for me, however I always feel like their is MORE I can do, MORE I should do. I'm trying to teach myself that I need to stop after a certain amount of hours.. but, BLAH, its just hard! I also feel guilty about stopping the exercise i'm doing because i'm soo self conscious about my body, and I know that exercise is a good way to change the way you look.. so when I stop, I just think "if you don't keep going you'll never look the way you want." :/ ....I really do care about my friend though, and I don't want to lose her.. or die just because I was trying to achieve an acceptable body that may never be achievable.. so I truly am motivated to really control this over exercising once and for all!!

The body image thing is also a reason why I haven't been posting my daily/ weekly looks. HOWEVER, in an attempt to feel more confident about myself, I took advantage of the beautiful sunny day yesterday and had a little photo shoot :P haha. I'll post a few (a sh*t load) of the pics from it.. haha. they aren't very good because I took them with my lap top, and also it was very sunny, so that made them look a little fakey weird as well.. but, eh. w/e. I feel weird putting so many pics.. usually the most I put of each look is 3.. but I haven't posted them in a while, so I feel like is prob ok.. haha.
Alright, so the look from yesterday was black leggings (of course), black slightly above the ankle UO leather boots, black tank top, Nordstrom navy floral tank w/ frilly bottom (like a skirt) and UO grey cardi.

Like I said, lots of pics.. haha. 3 more!

Alright, thats enough of me for one post!

Hope everyone has a WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!
Its soooo freaking beautiful out, I didn't use to like Spring.. but, now..I LOVE IT!!
Smile and treat yourself to something special, you ALL deserve it!!

- A <3

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

HUMP DAY!!! a vital day in my week I might add. :P

Hey all!! Happy Wednesday!! (HUMP DAY)

Posting again from school, hehe woooo, so sorry, no pics taken by me again!!

Well, I'm happy to report I'm doing much better then I was in my last post :).. I really hate writing posts that I feel at the TOTAL opposite of inspiring. I was even considering deleting it.. but then I felt like some how I would be lying or something. Idk it just felt like the wrong thing to do.. the right thing is to move past it and write about the positive things that are going on right now!

I've been challenging my food fears and rules as often as possible, and have been meeting my meal plan as well :D One food i've been trying to let myself have at home that I don't usually allow (well ED doesn't) is TURKISH FIGS!!! (pic from google)

YUM!! talk about natures candy.. they are soo good, and really satify a sweet craving! I feel guilty eating them, however, because for little things, their cals are a bit high.. (ED says) so its something that I haven't had in a longgg time. I did let myself have them in PARIS though, along with other foods.. which is why I think i'm more able to incorporate them now. If I did it then and nothing happened, I can do it now, right?? heck yes. HECK. YES. Just like I got over my banana rule, figs are now a rule of the past, and a food that I try to incorporate daily. I've also let another two long lost friend back into my life.. WHOLE WHEAT ENGLISH MUFFINS and FAT FREE COTTAGE CHEESE! (pictures from google)

yum :) love them.. and haven't let myself have them since I got out of Renfrew this time last year! So yes, basically, rekindling romances with long lost foods has been the current theme of my week.

I have a Nutrition appt. today, and i'm excited to report back with all my mini accomplishments.. however.. I may leave out the exercise portion.. don't wana start a fight because that will cancel out all the work that I HAVE put in to recovery this week. lol I know.. not the best idea.. I am still struggling a bit with over exercising.. but I did much less yesterday then in my last post, and I'm going to try to not run as much today.

The other day, when I posted, I felt soo guilty for doing all of that exercise.. and then some.. but even more guilty for posting it on my blog! For me, I read blogs that help keep me motivating, not the ones that constantly talk about how awful they are doing. However, that doesn't mean I don't read blogs of people struggling so I can offer support, or to feel comfort that other people aren't perfect in their recovery as well.. I just can't read them all the time. Anyway, I also felt soo awful because a couple of my friends at the gym were really worried about me. I hate that :( Especially since they way they express worry is through anger. I don't want to keep letting people down.. so I really need to work harder to do the right things from day to day!

I'm trying to think positive and keep moving forwards. I hate encountering stupid little bumps in the road, but if they didn't happen, you wouldn't grow or learn from the experience.

Hope everyone has a positive day!! Challenge yourself, you'll feel soo great about it latter on!! (although you may be anxious today, you will be proud of yourself tomorrow :D )

-A <3

Monday, April 12, 2010

No picture post because.. i'm in school!! WOOO!! are pigs flying?? :P

HEYYYYYYYY everyone!! Thanks for your input on the last post.. some people fbook messaged me as well, and I really appreciate those of you who took the time to tell me your thoughts on my idea of writing a book! :)

Its something I def will pursue.. but, thinking more about it, I don't think its a realistic thing for me to try to accomplish at this time. Maybe its something I can start.. work on it a little here and there.. but as for a recovery book, I guess I really should be a bit further in that process before I can write about it!

Well.. I really haven't given a real update since getting back from Paris.. and I still have to post some of the pics I took there!! Next post.. promise. haha.

Right now, I'm happy to report that I'm currently IN SCHOOL!!! HOLLAAAAAAAAA!!! :D haha
After my long ass, stressful week of not going to school last week, I'm trying to get my sh*t together because I need to graduate!! (yes I missed the entire week last week. Some reasons are as follows..
1. sleep later because i've been going to bed at redic times.. 3, 4, 5am.
2. wake up later because I HATE eating at 6am, but I have to eat right when I wake up.. which is 6am, and I HAVE to eat before I go to school.. its so hard to eat a real breakfast that early! and the only way I have a real shot at meeting my cal goals is having a larger breakfast.
3. couldn't find anything to wear.. I KNOW, I KNOW, I have sh*t load of clothes, but for some reason they all posses special powers to make me look/ feel extra fat on certain days. NOT a fan of these powers, lemme tell ya.
4. wanted to work out.. no need to elaborate on this one.
5. was stressing out over planning out my meal plan for the rest of the day.. this has become a daunting and dreaded daily task. TRIPPLE D is what this is. Its been taking me HOURS to figure out what foods i'm going to have when, because I have to take into consideration the cals, amount, food group, time I have to eat it, portion size, what I actually LIKE to eat, and fight with my ED about all of this while hearing my nutritionist voice in my head. OY.

Basically, i'm in a rut, and really really starting to struggle with over exercising. Its getting a bit out of hand, I must say.. all I want to do is exercise.. its all I think about, i've lost interest in EVERYTHING else. Even sitting in school, i'm counting down the hours that I can walk home after having already walked to school WARNING< THIS MAY TRIGGER< SO AVERT YOUR EYES IF THE AMOUNT EXERCISE SOMEONE DOES CAN TRIGGER YOU!!! (total 4 miles) then go for a jog BACK to school and BACK home, then to the gym, (total 7 miles) then work out a bit, and after, take two classes at the gym (total 2 hours of exercise at the gym)... and the worst part is I KNOW i'll want to do MORE after the second class. UGH!!!!!!
I'm a prisoner. really. Idk what to do.. :'( On top of that.. i'm struggling with completing my meal plan.. i've gotten to the number of cals I need maybe twice last week.. maybe this week will be better?? I hope so. I'll do my best.. I really hate when this happens.. people around me get so angry and frustrated.. I hate letting them down :(

Another thing i'm struggling with is ED deciding random things to be afraid of!! Like, certain foods I was ok with eating a couple months ago, ED says they are no longer allowed... needless to say my N is NOT a fan of this.. >.< ... we totally fought last time we went food shopping over foods she says I NEED to eat, but ED says I shouldn't.
I feel bad.. shes so frustrated with me and I totally don't blame her... i'm just as frustrated with myself. I WANT to do what shes telling me, I WANT to do the right thing, and I WANT recovery... so why don't I want follow my meal plan..?

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Sorry for the downer post, just being honest and saying that i'm having hard time..

Love you all and hope you're enjoying this beautiful weather, I know I am!

Stay strong!!

-A <3

Thursday, April 8, 2010

BOOK?? I need your feedback, so please respond to this post with your thoughts!! :D


really REALLY quick little post before i'm off to school! going to school late is still going.. (I totally would have been on time if my breakfast wasn't so huge that I legit couldn't move from being so full and fell back asleep for 4 hours! )... well actually, my breakfast wasn't huge, it was just something I would have for lunch ( 1/2 a pita veggie hummas wrap and a fig), and apparently couldn't deal with eating it for breakfast? Thanks body for that lovely curveball.

ANYWHO, on to the reason of this tiny, out of the ordinary post..

I've been thinking about doing this for a few years.. and haven't let myself even think about it because I wanted to be closer to recovery.. but.. I want to write a book. I know, everyoneeee says that they want to do this.. but not only do I feel like it will be therapeutic for me, but I really think I could help people with ED's by telling my story, and offering advice. I think I would incorporate some blog posts, and formspring questions (the ones that I feel are actually helpful for people inquiring on how to live ED free, or understand EDs better) along with some journal entries, poems, artwork, and my over all blabber that (hopefully) all my readers like :P haha. I finally feel like i'm in a spot where I can offer sound advice, and focus long enough to write my thoughts down on paper.. and this blog has definitely helped to get me to that spot. I also want to encourage people who are thinking about creating a book as well to go for it! Yes, we may all have EDs, but everyone is different, and everyone has a different story to tell.

I guess my question is.. would any of you read/ buy my book (HONESTLY) if I were to write one..??? You're feedback would be MUCH appreciated and really helpful. You can tell me what you think I should write about, not write about, why you think I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T write a book, really, I just want some feedback... be it positive or negative. If you're one of those people who reads my blog and never comments, take this opportunity to just write down a quicky sentence on what you think, any and all input would be amazing. Now, with all that said, I may write a book no matter what people think.. lol, but, again, I do want to take into consideration what my readers think!!

Alright everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this post, and if you can, please just drop me a brief comment on your thoughts on a book.. THANKS!!!!!

Enjoy your Thursdays everyone!!! tomorrow is FRIDAY (obvi) HOLLAAAAAA!!!

-A <3

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Paris and London clothing/ accessories part II.. and a bit about my trip :)

Cheerio, all!!

Here are the rest of the pics from the clothing/accessories I got in Paris and London

I liked the clothing there so much that I decided to do most of my spring shopping while I was there.. thats why I have so many things haha. No more shopping for me for a whileeeeeee.... :D haha

Alrighty, Im gonna do this in sections because.. well because I always feel the need to organize things :P

Trench coat, blazer, and sweaters.. all clothes from my three fave. stores in London, Top Shop, Mango, and The New Look.

Dress, and tops

Pant legging things

Long champ purse

Bracelets, Necklace, earrings, head band, and ring

wooo, alright, enough of that :P

Now.. on to my trip!
It went surprisingly well food wise. I'm really proud of myself actually :D which is very nice to say for once haha. I met my ACTUAL calorie goals every day that I was there.. which is the only time i've ever been able to do that outside of IP... usually i'm a few 100 cals under and I call that my "bare minimum at home calorie goal".... :x.... but for short I just call it my calorie goal :D i know i know.. shhhhh. haha. The first few days were a bit of a challenge.. still didn't loosen up and try new things, stuck to safe foods.. but after a while I was like.. "screw it, imma have some french baguette and some dressing on my salad!" haha :P... and later in the week, that lead to "screw it, imma try some french chocolate, pasta, muffin, and a croissant!" WOOOOO!! :D I said in my last post that when I came home I felt as though I had just left Renfrew... and I thinks thats because everyday I challenged myself SOO much with every meal, and no exercise... plus I was with my family the whole time.. so it reminded me of all the family therapy haha. I was sooo ready to come home... even excited, surprisingly.. I guess because of that feeling.. but I really did LOVE Paris and London.. even if it did rain EVERY day. -_- I really missed my old routine and my job.. and the people that work their.. haha. They are really like my second family, I just love being around them.. and I get such a comforting feeling being at that gym. (not because of working out or anything haha) The only thing I dreaded about coming home was... the scale. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!! I knew i'd have to weigh myself.. I just HAD too.. and I was SURE I wouldn't like the number. I mean.. look at the facts.. higher cals, less exercise, more fatty foods= HELLO WEIGHT GAIN. Now, ordinarily I would say (or want to say) screw it, who cares what the number is, don't weigh yourself because what you don't know can't hurt you... but I have another dreaded Dr. appt this week.. and I HAVE to know my weight before she does.. I just have to. So.. this morning was the day I decided it was time to put an end to.. or add on to my anxiety about the number. Stepped on the scale.. and.. that # was a shock. You know why?? IT STAYED THE SAME!!! LISTEN UP BOYS AND GIRLS, MY WEIGHT STAYED THE SAME, AND YOURS CAN TOO!! This brought me to TWO realizations..

1. ED is a Fu*king jerk and lier for telling me I needed to restrict all these years when CLEARLY its pointless!
2. You can eat scary foods and not exercise like a mad woman with out gaining weight!


To bad I still can't bring myself to not restrict at home. RAWR.

I've really been reflecting recently on what I want in my life, and what part my ED has... heres what I camp up with...
I want to be invisible, but I want to be seen
I want to be left alone, but I want to have company
I want to look anorexic, but I want to recover
I want to stop eating, but I don't want to starve
I want everything to stay the same, but I want to live my life
why am I a walking contradiction?... oh yeah, because HALF of that is ED, and HALF of that is ME. Stupid ED. GO AWAY!! I JUST HAD A BREAK THROUGH AND REALIZATION AND YOU'RE STILLLLLLL ANNOYING ME!!!

Alright, rant over :)

I hope everyone is having a lovely day, its sunny and beautiful yet again here.. hope its nice where you all are as well!!
Enjoy your Tuesday that feels like a Thursdayyyyyy!!! :P haha

Love you all, thanks for reading my blog and keep up the fight my little ED Warriors!!

-A <3

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm Back!!! Miss me?? :P


Back from Paris, after a very long almost 10 days!!... glad to say their will be no more 8 hour flights in the near future.. two of them in a little over a week.. yikes, SOOO long!!

Well, i've missed you all terribly, and can't wait to update you on things!!! Basically, i'll just say, everything went surprisingly well!.. I kinda just went with the flow and tried all sorts of foods that scare the shit out of me, and don't intend to ever have again anytime soon. lol. It was nice to challenge myself.. but at the same time, everything was a challenge.. everyday.. so really, I honestly kinda felt like I was back IP at Renfrew or something.. maybe thats why I was sooooooo happy to come home!!! haha, Idk, but I LOVED Paris, despite the food terrors... shopping was amazing.. haha. I think i'll save the sites and artsy pics for my next post, and just put up some picks of the things I purchased in Paris and London.. new goodies are so fun! WOO!

Alright, thats enough clothing pics today! more tomorrow! haha

Hope everyone had an amazing spring break, or even just a great week!!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!! and if your Jewish or anything else.. HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!! haha :D

Have a great night everyone, talk to you all tomorrow!!!
-A <3