About Me

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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

PROM and Trainers.. fun stuff!

Heylooo lovies!

I wana start out by saying... I WANT A MARC JACOBS BAG SO BADLY!! GAHH!! lol ok just had to say that. Marc Jacobs and Chanel are two of my fav. designers.. and I totally can't afford them :( I guess I could afford a less expensive MJ bag.. but I would feel so guilty for spending like $300, or $400 on a bag!! YIKES!! If anyone knows of a place I could get a gently used MJ bag.. I would love to hear your suggestions :D

Ok, on to more pressing matters... I GOT A PROM DRESS!!! (pictured underneath) This is a major accomplishment.. but prom is a couple months away, so i'm going to keep my options open and not do any alterations for a little while. Dress shopping is soooo stressful for me because I never fit into dresses. I'm short 5'3... and apparently petite??? the only time I actually acknowledge that i'm not actually ginormous is when I try on the smallest dress size, and it still doesn't fit. I really just don't understand it... How can I feel so huge, but be a small clothing size? ED baffles me. The worst part is, that even with a small size on, I STILL feel fat! WHAT?? that pisses me off.. I feel like either the size is wrong, or I just happen to be the one that a 00 makes me look fat and no one else. Its frustrating because its like.. ok.. so if fitting into a smaller size doesn't make me feel small.. what will?? what is it going to take for me to feel comfortable in my skin???? ANSWER---> a personal trainer. oy, I know right?!?! When I was in Renfrew my mom set me up with a personal trainer.. and I relapsed shortly after... not saying thats why, thats just what happened. I am friends with this trainer, and shes going to be working with my nutritionist.. so I think it should be fine. I'm just a little worried because I do have a problem with over exercising.. but I guess since they will be monitoring me, I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not trying to lose weight or anything.. just tone up. I need to feel better about myself, and feel comfortable in my body.. so I think adding some muscle definition may help with that.. and help me accept the weight i've gained. Idk... thoughts?

Clothing has recently been a major trigger to me. I'm really having trouble dealing with the fact that some of my clothes are fitting me.. and not hanging off. I hate feeling like clothes are "touching me" ya know.. like not really really flowyyy. Idk.. I still have clothes from 8th grade and I just don't want to get rid of them because they still fit me.. but I feel like keeping them is also keeping me stuck in my ED. I should not still fit into my middle school clothing, nor want to be able to.. so I really should start to try to get rid of some of it.. its just hard :/ .....

Since trying on clothes makes me hate my body.. and just feel really low.. I decided to treat myself to this ADORABLE coral-y, orange-y patent leather quilted Kate spade bag! LOVVEEEE!!!

Side note- I have these dark chocolate calcium circles.. 500mg of calcium in each.. so its a really healthy treat!!

POSITIVE NOTE--> I'm doing really well food wise, despite my horrid body image atm :) Totally meeting my cals, challenging myself with new foods everyday, and trying to stay positive.

How is everyone?? Hope you are all doing well.. and happy NEDA WEEK!!!... i'm a bit late on that... haha.
Oh, lastly.. i've been getting a lot of questions on my formspring about my ED and self harm.. and for some reason.. idk, I kind feel like its my own little form of therapy! I feel like i'm actually helping people by answering their questions, and explaining some things about EDs.. It kinda makes me feel like I want to do something in that line of work.. like an advice columnist, therapist, or life coach.. idk. Just a thought :)

EDIT: don't forget to check out this awesome giveaway!!


Have an AMAZING week my beautiful girlies, stay strong, and keep battling on my little ED warriors!! <3
-A <3

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

you should really do some butt exercises...

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

ERM... so I know I said I would post the night of the other post.. but I fell asleep.. and since then have been really busy! :) haha, I'm actually still really busy and only have time for a quick post, but.. my NEXT post will be long and adorable, as always :) :P

First thing, I wana ask a question. A SERIOUS QUESTION MIND YOU!!... ok.. so, fellow bloggers... do any of you find yourselves THINKING to yourself as if you are writing a blog post...???? lol. Because that happened to me all day. Maybe because I felt guilty for not posting yesterday when I had so many things I wanted to talk about, or maybe i'm just getting use to narrating my life?.. idk, but I find myself going about my day.. and thinking in a way that is like a blog post. I hope that made sense and I dont sound crazy.. haha.

Second thing.. Cacao Power ( sweet raw chocolate nibs)= FREAKIN AWSOME.. just saying.. i've had them with my breakfast every morning since.. two days ago.. haha

Third thing, I CAN CHEW AGAIN!!! WOOOO!!! I got my stitches out from my wisdom teeth, so no more torture of not being able to eat an apple or a salad ever again!! :D... This also means that I am back on track with meeting my cals and everything, which I am super excited about.. because I hate getting off track!

This forth and last thing has been on my mind for a while... I was working out at the gym, and one of the personal trainers said to me " do you know how to do butt exercises? did I show you how to do them?" and I was like... uh.. idk? and she was like " you should really do them to get your butt in shape."..... now.. this could just be me and my distorted eating disorder self.. but.. did she just call me fat?? say I have a bit butt? need to work out more?? chances are she said that because I don't really have a butt and she thought I might want to actually try to achieve one... EVEN STILL.. DON'T COMMENT ON MY BUTT, LADY!!! >.< now i'm all butt conscious.. -_- rawr

Alright.. 4 things.. thats all i'll leave you with for now.. I would say that i'll write a big post tonight.. but I have to babysit again and idk that i'll be able to.. but if not, possibly tomorrow!

Have a great safe, healthy, and happy day everyone!!!
-A <3

LA LA LA LA LA!!! sing a song?? OK!

Quicky post.. i'm gonna post again later tonight that actually say's something haha. So I was thinking about what makes me happy, and what often puts me in a better mood.. and there really are a couple things. One that I think i'm gonna share with you today is SINGGGGGGGGG.. LA LA LA LA LA!!!!! :P Yeah, I uploaded this on my facebook a while ago.. and I figured, EH, what the hay, this is a recovery blog, and thats something that helps me get through the ruff days. Music can touch your soul and totally change your mood.. so give it a try!! when your feeling kinda down.. listen to a really happy, sing along kinda song, and when you feel like you need to cry, put on a song with words that touch your heart and bring tears to your eyes. Ok so, i've made a lot of videos (not posted for other people to see though.. haha) so this is like one in a series.. which is why the very beginning probs wont make sense. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing.. lol...this video is not very good.. and I made it when I was sick so pardon my appearance.. and its Acapella... and oy just don't judge to harshly!! haha Ok, i'm gonna just go for it! GAH!!

(I tried to upload it on here but It wasn't working.. so this is the link to it on my facebook.. and then I decided to add the other one that I made for my friend when she was sick.. so there are two singing videos.. yeah.. lol)



Until later tonight!! :D Hope everyones day is going well so far.. I have much to talk about.. :P
-A <3

Monday, February 22, 2010

mischievous monday? nah, marvelous monday! :P


Lets start with where I left off on saturday.. I believe it was right after I informed ya'll about babysitting.

So I love babysitting these little girls, one is five and the other is ONE ...AWWWW, yeah so cute!!!! After putting the girlies to bed, I had a couple hours to chill.. and I new that I prob should have something food wise.. I was really going back and forth with what I should do, since I had decided that the meal I had when I got home from food shopping was all I was going to have for that day. I gave my self an hour to mull it over.. and then tricked myself a bit.. hehe. How did I trick myself you ask?? well.. I was like " ok, how about you just look at the foods they have, you don't have to eat anything, just go look" then I looked at all the food and saw all of the healthy organic options, and a lot of foods that I've always wanted to try. Then I was like " just have a little of some dried cranberries (dried fruit freaks me out.. its a bit of a fear food.. besides prunes and figs) and some organic wheat crackers." TA DA!.. that was the trick.. did you catch it?? :P yeah i'm slick. So, in the end, I had some dried cranberries, wheat crackers, some cereal,.. and I feel like there was something else but I don't remember.. haha. I knew that if I didn't trick myself to eat those foods last night, I would have ended the day only completing half of my meal plan, which is just not good enough!! SO, while I didn't reach it 100 %, I got very close, and i'm proud of myself :) I did struggle a bit with feeling like I was doing the wrong thing, so I spent a while talking to my friend G, and she helped me out A LOT. Thanks so much G!! <--- if you read my blog.. haha <3

Now, a brief recap of my sunday.. OY.
mmmmmmk, soooo, My plan was to get up at 9 and go to the gym to take a couple classes at 9:30.. yeah.. um, that didn't happen. haha. I woke up at 9 and was like.. um what?? I feel like I never feel asleep!! Peace out alarm clock, i'm going back to bed!! so I fell Asleep until 1:00 pm!!! i've never been able to sleep that late!.. I think my two hours of sleep the night before probably had something to do with that.. hehe Even though I woke up at one.. I was STILL sooo tired!... so I went up, had breakfast, and then rested till 4:00 when I went to the gym. Sounds like a nice day so far right?? WRONG. After I finished breakfast, I was chilling in the kitchen, browsing other blogs and what not.. and my sisters friend comes in the kitchen and offers me her pop tarts. My initial reaction was "helllll no girl, I just had my breakie".. although when actually said out loud it was more "no thanks".. :P haha. She left them on the counter and I got to thinking.. "I used to love these when I was really little.. I wish I could remember what they tasted like.. maybe I should challenge myself to have them?? I am going to the gym later so.. I might as well give it a go!".... ERM.. yeah ok so I did challenge myself and eat them, and that amazing feeling on conqureing something was nice.. but VERRRRYYYY short lived. :( UGH.. I didn't realize how many calories those little demons posses!!.. Thank you calorieking.com for sending me into an ED panic. ONCE AGAIN, my lovie G helped me sort out my feelings and try to move past that little bump in the road <3 Anywhoooo, changed into my gym clothes and was off to the gym.. and when I came home had a lovely dinner to finish out my meal plan... and spent pretty much the rest of the night talking to G. GOOD JOB A for making to decisions!! haha.

ON TO TODAYS POST!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!! ( not like the scary dun dun dun dun, the one with the trumpets... ya know?? hear it?? like when they are presenting a king or something.. yeah.. haha :P)

This morning I woke up at 10:00... ok really I should be waking up at 5:45 so I can get ready for school.. but whats one more day of fun in the grand scheme of things!!?? I do much better food wise when I don't go to school.. I end up restricting because I hate eating that early in the morning.. and I hate eating at school..and blah its just no fun.. so its nice to be able to relax and know i'm making good food choices. Alright ya'll, I need to tell you about my amazing breakfast that I encourage you all to try!!!! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??? Nut butter crepes and dark chocolate chips, a yogurt, and a strawberry "slushy" YUM!!! heres how I made it....

Nut butter crepes---> I took a pre-packaged carton of egg beaters (1/2 a cup per container) and split it into two 1/4c. Then I made one "crepe" out of the first 1/4 egg beater, and another out of the second. Once I finished, I put a tablespoon of nut butter on top and split it between the two. Then you just roll them up like a crepe and VOILLA! so YUMMY!!! ( I was going to put the dark chocolate chips inside, but decided to eat them separate.. :P)

Strawberry slushy------> 5 strawberries cut up, a cup of ice, and some water.. blend in the magic bullet and VOILLA AGAIN! A lovely strawberry slushy.. goes great with the crepes :)

Yogurt---> dannon light and fit apple pie yogurt... num num num

This pic I took is kinda how i'm feeling today.. the snow ( my ED cloud of doom) is clearing up, and the day look bright and promising! :D

So that was today's breakfast.. i'm very proud of myself for trying something new this morning.. although the choc chips made it a little scary.. it also made it more of a treat!

I think the rest of my day is going to look a little something like this.. getting dressed, ( its 1:00 pm and i'm still in my fuzzy soccer ball PJ bottoms and TJ sweatshirt :P) walking to some shops around my house, going to the gym about 4/ 430... and then afterwards coming home and having a nice relaxing night! My parents come home today ( they have been in florida since thursday... so nice of them to leave me alone with my sister right???? haha) so my relaxing might not ACTUALLY happen.. but i'm looking forward to today, and i'm very happy to say that I really feel like I'm finally back on track with things!!! :D

Hope everyone has a wonderful monday!! Love you all!! <3... and may I just say, I am so ADD that this post took me over an hour to write because I kept getting distracted.. but I love ya'll so much that I just had to finish!! True dedication right therrrr :P
-A <3

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Remember why you stopped doing that??

Bonjour mes amis!!
Would you like to know my current mood???? ohhh I bet you wouldddd

yeah. :P haha. well if you couldn't tell from the pic.. which you prob couldn't >.<, i'm a TAD BID FRUSTRATED.. mostly with myself.. and i'm freakin pissed at ED!!!

Lets talk about yesterday, (FRIDAY) shall we?? ok.. i'll write you read... that might work better. ;)
Sooo, ED has kindaa taken the wheel the past couple days, and yesterday really was no different. I tried to have breakfast.. which I did have some of.. but just lost all desire for it. I WANT CRUNCHY/ CHEWY FOOD!!! AKA apples, hummus wraps, salads, veggies, YUMMY FOODS THAT I LIKE. I'm so sick of everything else that i've been doomed to eat from lack of wisdom teeth. ( I swear I will stop talking about them being removed.. as soon as I can eat again :P.. until then I am exercising my right to complain about it!!!! RAWR!!) I figured "eh, bump in the road, i'll eat my snack/ lunch later and get back on track".. or not? Idk.. I ended up going to the gym in the late afternoon, and then afterwards, my friend picked me up and brought me to her campus (Arcadia) for our sleep over. <-- shout out to ELIZA who may possibly be going to this school next year!.. i'm there all the time visiting my friend who is a senior. Anywho, so yeah, we chill for a while and then, where do we go you ask?? To see The Vagina Monologues... uh.. yeah. Need I say more?? ANSWER: no. Alright, so then we meet up with our other friend and went back to K's appt. (BTW, I work with these two lovely girlies at the gym) The rest of the night consists of talking and relaxing... it was really nice :).. and at around 2 AM.. they decided they were FINALLY hungry for dinner and got food from KFC. Umm.. yeah.. three things wrong with this plan. 1. I don't eat fast food... obvi.. 2. I can't get anything because I can't chew, and 3. HELL NO AM I EATING AT 2:00AM!!... needless to say, I didn't partake in their festivities. Around 3:30.. K decided it was bed time.. so we went to bed.. and I fell asleep at around 4:00am.. only to be woken up at 6;30. WOOOO two and a half hours of sleep!!!! :D haha. Despite the food thing.. the night went well.. but I just wasn't mentally there. I was pretty drained, and realized if I had followed my meal plan, I would have felt SOOO much better, and enjoyed myself a lot more.

This pic I took walking home from school... this is kinda how I felt yesterday.. like that bench. Its surrounded by different things that are totally enjoyable (ie trees and such) and yet its lonely, empty and just blahhh at the same time.

Heres where I'm REALLYYYYY DISAPPOINTED with myself.. and Ed.

The next day (today) we woke up at 6:30 (as I previously stated) and got ready to go to the gym so she could teach her Pool class in an hour or so. Katie realizes... "umm.. you haven't eating in like XX hours.. if that.. YOU NEED BREAKFAST!".. :/ ugh if only I were normal and sentences like that didn't exsist in my life. BUT, they do, and this is how I dealt with it..
I agreed to have a yogurt (poored half out when she was in a dif room)
I agreed to have a piece of bread (crumbled it up and stuck it in my sleeve.. which is something I did in IP all the time.. :x haha)
I agreed to have ANOTHER higher cal yogurt because she wasn't satisfied with my total cals (proceeded to poor half that yogurt out as well.

DECEIVE MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT!!! ugh :( :( I can't believe I did that.. and the whole time I was like "remember why you stopped doing that??? BECAUSE ITS STUPID AND HURTS OTHERS AS WELL AS YOURSELF" .... I feel so guilty and awful about it.. I don't know what to do... but I just COULDN'T eat that food! idk why!!! My heart was beating so fast and I was SILENTLY freaking out the whole time.. :(.. I can't talk to her about it though because I'm scared i'll lose her as a friend.. and I honestly feel like since becoming friends with her, i've done the best EVER with my ED and recovery... and it would be awful to lose someone who has helped me so much. I really don't know what to do.. I can't ever let that happen again though, thats for sure.. because its not right, or fair to her. I'm a bad person >.< BLAH!! I hate disappointing people and letting them down.. but I also hate losing trust from people. Ugh, I swear if I screw up this friendship.. idk what i'm going to do ;'(

This pic I took near Staples.. this is what my future will if I keep treating people this way... a lonely fire hydrant on a side walk.

I did how ever, go food shopping with my nutritionist today, where I confessed to her how i've been struggling.. and she was nothing but supportive in helping me find foods to get back on track. When I got home, I made myself a large snack/lunch/dinner/snack (all combined.. lol) to help get back on track so that tomorrow will be easier to start all over.
So, I can say that i'm hopeful that tomorrow will be looking up for me in the EATS department.. because I really need to get my head back in the game and re-focus.. which I think I did a good job starting tonight. I'm babysitting tonight.. so that should be fun :) I love kids.. they are so cute and innocent.. oh to be young again.. *sigh* :P haha

Sorry this was such a downer post.. but I think it ended on a good note!! Thats my one blogging rule, all posts must end on a good note, even if I'm in an awful mood.. their is always time to change your day around!

Heres a happier pic I took.. still a lonely tree.. (gotta stick with the theme :P ) But it ebbs and flows in the wind, just like I need to do with change.. be more easy going.. go with the flow.... NOT freak out over the fact that my friends food was not MY food, and was their for deemed unsafe by ED. curse you ED and your none flowing ways! ;)

Hope everyone is healthy, happy and well!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.. remember, Sunday is a day of rest, so really enjoy YOURSELF tomorrow, and do some nice relaxing things for you. You girls are all amazing and deserve to fight.. so battle on my little ED warriors!! <3 :D


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Its been a hard days night.. but ive been working like a DAWG!

Morning all!!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.. so I didn't really feel like posting.. But then today I thought it would be beneficial to go back and talk about what was going on with me.

SO, basically the past month or so i've really managed to find a groove with my meal plan, and get on track. I upped my cals a couple weeks ago, and while it was hard, ultimately I know its something I need to do if I want to get my Metabolism working again! ANYWHOO... Last week I got my wisdom teeth out ( no shocker there.. I already told ya'll this.. I just need to re-state it so I can get to my point.. :P haha) and ever since then.. HAKJFHDKJHFJKSHD chaos in meal plan world.

( My theme today is a road.. so this is me walking down one!! haha :P... you'll understand once you keep reading :D )

Before I got them out, I was contemplating restricting.. and I guess for the first couple days I did, but then I got back on track and was doing the cals I needed.. but with foods that I am NOT ok with.. so it was REALLLLLLY hard for me. I managed to do that for a couple days.. but ugh.. it all came crashing down yesterday. My body image has been SHIT.. but I suppose anyone who gains a substantial amount of weight would have a hard time adjusting to their new body. Its just hard.. I constantly feel like i'm in some elses body.. I just dont feel like ME.. and I even feel like I hold myself differently.. walk differently. :/ idk BLAH!! well.. that combined with my face being HUGE and swollen.. I was just supper triggered. My face kinda reminded me of when I was in IP and they made me get to a weight that I am just NOT comfortable at and can honestly say I will never get to again.. but yeah, so looking in the mirror.. dude I literally almost had a panic attack. Its a lot better now.. but its still not back to normal. Ok, back to yesterday.. I woke up and was just like.. "wow, I don't feel full"... (I usually wake up full from my snack at night).." this is great!.. I really missed this empty feeling!!".. and I just didn't want it to go away once I ate breakfast.. so I didn't.. :x ah, i know, so not something I do! I ALWAYS have breakfast, no matter what, because its what starts your metabolism for the day. But then I took my pain meds, and you can't take them on an empty stomach.. so I had coffee with a bit of hot choc in it.. haha I know.. not food.. but it had calories! doesn't that count for something?!.. well anyway.. continued through out my day.. went to the gym.. worked out.. had a nutritionist appt.. got yelled at for the first time in a WHILE.. and then promised her I would go get a smoothie from the smoothie bar.. yet couldn't bring myself to do it. Coincidentally, I also the gym I go to is where my nutritionist is, and where I work.. so after her apt, I just went to work until 8. Then I went and got my nails done.. and by the time I got home it was time for my evening snack. By then i felt sooo guilty for letting ED ruin my day, and so down on myself for screwing up all my progress I was making with my body.. so i had another coffee with some hot choc, and a piece of bread and called it a day. WHAT A DAY... disaster day is more like it :(

There were soooo many things going through my head yesterday.. but the one thing that was calmer then most days was ED's voice. Sound strange? lemme explain.. haha. When I restrict.. well, I dont even like to call it that because its honestly not hard for me.. its harder for me to eat then it is to not eat. Blah this is hard to explain. Basically.. If I don't eat.. I don't get hungry, so its easy for me to just ignore my meals, and then ED leaves me alone with food all day.. and its the nicest break from his screaming.. so its hard to not give in. But, If I eat.. then I get hungry, or just anxious for my next meal, and then the next meal, and ED is always screaming, and ugh its just awful.. >.< but as hard as it is, i've been able to try to shut him out as much as possible. (besides yesterday)

Another thing going through my mind was PROM. Yes, the ever popular senior prom is coming up in a couple months. Their will be TONS of pictures, and girls looking beautiful, and girls FEELING beautiful.. and I want to be one of them :/. I have a date and all.. but I want to actually FEEL beautiful in my dress.. and I just don't know how I can do that at this weight. I feel like if I just loose a few pounds.. I'll feel more confident.. and the thing is I KNOW its true because I do feel more confident at a lower weight :x ..... but.. a few pounds turns into 10, and 10 turns into.. i'mma keep going till I'm so low I black out all the time, and ya know what, i'm just not a fan of that girl anymore... and I don't think my date would be either.

( the stop light has to do with my road theme.. lol.. so this is a pic I took near wawa :)... I thought it was coooool )

Blah, lots of ED conflicting thoughts yesterday.. BUTTTTTTTTTT, today is a new day, and I'm starting it off right with actually having breakfast. I'll acknolage that yesterday was a hard day for my ED, but today is going to be different. I hate bumps in the road.. but they happen, and you need to learn to swerve around them, or ride them out.. so.. SWERVING AND RIDING PEOPLE, SWERVING AND RIDING!! :P After breakfast I'm going to work out at the gym, run some errands, and then later, i'm having a sleep over at my friends dorm :D so today should be fun, and i'm looking forwards to lots of smiles and laughs that the day shall bring!! I'm going to keep telling myself.. eating is worth it, and i'm worth eating!!

Have a GREAT friday everyone, and remember, SWERVE AND RIDE out the bumps, because after a bump, there is always a smooth road right ahead <3 ( like i'm sure the mail truck in this picture I took near my house.. look how nice the SMOOTH road looks.. :P)


-A <3

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just another wacky wednesday! :P

Morning lovely Bloggers!!... or, I guess I should say.. Afternoon lovely Bloggers!! :D

Today, as well as the past 4 days i've woken up realllllyyyy late.. around like 11:00, or ever 12:00!! which believe me is very late for me. :P I have a lot of things of my mind this morning, so bare with me while I try to organize them all in a coherent fashion! I guess I'll finish this one though about today.. hmmm today. Well its lovely and sunny outside again! yay sun! I'm thinking maybe ill take a walk or something.. since i've been cooped up in the house for so long. I think i'm going back to school tomorrow.. can't hid out forever! Although.. hehe.. last night, I really wanted some nut butter from Trader Joes.. so I like wrapped my head in a scarf, put my hood on, and then put my jacket on and went into Trader Joes! Drastic measure, I know, but i'm telling you all.. you should have seen me! Oh man, it was hysterical. Then when I was in the check out line.. ok. note to self, never try to cover anything up, because people are nosey and will try too see what your hiding TEN TIMES MORE. yes. The lady at the cash register was like glaring at me, and like, you know what people do with their head when they are trying to get a good look at something and they can't see it??? well yeah, she was doing that.. and was all like.. can I help you with anything? did you find everything alright? hows your day..?? .... yeah, idk, I would have been better off going in there with my chipmunk cheeks!! Anyway.. on to something less pointless then this story.. haha

Ok.. so firstly I would like to say, THANK YOU to everyone who is reading my blog, and who gave me such positive feedback in comments yesterday on my ED letter post. I always have a fear that I shouldn't be putting such personal things on the internet for everyone to see.. especially since i've really been a very private person all my life. Sometimes I worry people will judge me for what I write, or see me strictly as an Anorexic/ recovering Anorexic.. and not an 18 year old girl who is trying to take control over her life. Yes, I have Anorexia, but I, ME, MYSELF, I am not Anorexic.. to me there is a difference. I don't say any of this regarding weight.. because yes that is a part of Anorexia, being under 18.5% BMI..( which I guess technicallllllyy i'm under by .5% lol, but I still consider myself to be at a recovering weight) but even if your not underweight, you can still have Anorexia. Just because I've been poked, prodded, stuffed, fed, and threatened to gain weight.. i'm still of one mind, the same mind I was before gaining weight. Now before all of you read this and go all "whattt, I thought she was doing well and now shes talking about how shes all Anorexic and stuff!!" dont worry.. I AM doing really well, and while I don't think I am IN recovery ( I KNOW im not in recovery.. its only been like a month since i've been at this weight and been on track) I am on a great, healthy track towards it!! I'm just trying to clarify something for people... because I kinda got the vibe that people feel as though I have conquered Anorexia.. but i'm just scratching the surface of it.. and I'm scared to disappoint people by this. Its a constant struggle, every day. Yes, i've come VERY far from where I was.. but sometimes my mind does go back to the place I was in when I wrote that letter.. the difference is that now I can realize that and tell myself to come back, (most of the time) which is what working on recovery is. The support i've been getting the past few days has been SOOO amazing.. i've never gotten this much support and encouragement in my entire life.. and I really feel as though its helping me to keep making healthy choices.. so for that I am really grateful, and want to THANK YOU all, and people on formspring!!! Its really been so amazing reading comments telling me that I have inspired people, and that people believe in me.. i've never been told those things before.. I almost don't even know how to take those wonderful things in! AH!! haha.

I took this pic outside of an ACME I believe.. haha. When I look at this picture (underneath) I see a tree.. and in the shadow it almost looks as if its an evil demon trying to posses the tree. I know I know, far out, sounds redic, but think about it in regards to an ED. ED is your shadow.. he follows you everywhere, mocks what your doing, distorts the way you look.. ED is your shadow, not you.

Another thing I wanted to say about the letter is.. writing that letter, and the ones previous to it, was very therapeutic for me... as was re-reading in. WIth that said.. I really do encourage people to write their own letters.. you don't even have to have an ED. Write a letter to your fears, anxieties, parents, food, anything that you feel you are having trouble with. Then read it back to yourself. It doesn't have to be that day.. you could wait days, or even weeks, but read it back. When you re-read your thoughts and fears, it really puts things into perspective.. and not just one time, every time you read it you will gain something from it. At first I didn't think doing this would help me.. the only time I ever really wrote was when I was in treatment.. and that was something I forced myself to do everyday so I could document my time spent there. But once I wrote the first letter.. i just felt such a weight lifted off me.. its so hard to explained.. it was like all the feelings drained out of me onto that paper. I was actually physically and mentally tired after writing it! haha. So, anyway, I really do encourage each and every one of you to write your own letters to ED, or w/e you feel is taking control of your life that you want back. <3

This picture I took on my walk to school (as I do with most of my pics.. haha) In this post, I feel like it helps to symbolize a road to recovery.. doesn't the pic just make you wana walk right down the path!! haha :)

I encourage you all to keep traveling, or begin your travel, down the road to recovery.. Life has so much more to offer you then ED could ever give you.

-A <3

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Letter to ED # 2


FIrst I want to start by formally introducing my little puppy.. since I got a question about what kind of dog she is. She is a little toy poodle, her name is Coco Chanel but Coco for short, and she is about 1 year old.. my little fluff ball!!! :D

Alright, so I listened to your feedback about the ED letters.. THANK YOU FOR THAT BTW :), and I'm going to make this post the last letter I wrote to my ED. I wrote this letter to ED back in October or November maybe? possibly December. Again I'm going to say WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING, just incase anyone didn't read that last couple letters and doesn't know what is in store. I just want to remind everyone (even though you know) that i've come a long way from the place I was in when I wrote these letters... so don't worry :) so here it goes... Dumping my feelings out on this page. (hence the pictures underneath.. taken on my walk to school)

Dear ED,
Good morning.. this is the time I can think the most because its before I've let you completely overflow my thoughts. I could have been so great. I had friends, good grades, interests, my parents were proud of me, and yes you were there, but for a few summer months you seemed to leave me alone. I hate feeling like this. My body disgusts me. All I can see are flaws and fat all over my body. I know all the things you say to me are true because I use to hear them regularly from my father. That i'm stupid, a bitch, brat, every curse word in the book.. " what the hell is wrong with you?! You stupid idiot! Fuck this! Get the hell in the kitchen and put your plate away! What the fuck do you think this is?! Do you think the maid is going to clean it up?! Do you think you're special or something?! Or that we owe you something?! *throws plate towards me* put it in the fucking sink!"... not a typical father daughter conversation right? I guess I deserved it.. I should have put my plate away. Ugh.. i'm not going to keep writing what he says, their is no point.. nothing captures the fear I feel every time i'm in a room with him. Especially when he use to get "the belt", or when my mom use to get the "wooden spoon". I remember stuffing towels in my pants so if I were spanked it wouldn't hurt. I deserved that too though. I wasn't a perfect child. No matter how hard I tried. Thats when you saved me, ED. You helped me gain control and feel as though I could do something right. Even still, I've let you down more times then I can count. I'm sorry, i'm not the perfect anorexic, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect cutter (self harmer), perfect dancer, perfect cheerleader, perfect student, perfect ANYTHING. Looking down at my body as I write you this.. its horrific. I don't even want to leave my house... I can't let people see me like this. I have so many thoughts running through my head at every given moment, I can't even organize them. I know you yell at me because you care, ED, and you want to make me the best I can be... but I wish I was accepted by my dad no matter what. My parents don't even want to deal with me anymore.. they want to send me away to boarding school. No one wants me.. i'm unloveable. I just want to feel wanted, for once. Why are you the only one who gives me positive as well as negative reinforcement? I wish I was a better person. UGH :( Why do you make me disappoint people? I try so hard to just get you to SHUT UP sometimes, but you come back at me meaner then ever. This is the hardest fight of my life.. its a fight for my life, and sometimes I don't even think its worth living because if I were gone.. it would only improve others lives. The only ones who accept me are other anorexics. They are the only ones who say the kindest, most encouraging things to me. They made me feel like someone cares besides you. They gave me encouragement and hope that I could reach perfection if I tried hard enough. I'll never forget being in treatment, my FOURTH GIANT MEAL of the day out of 6.. a huge plate filled with spaghetti and a hunk of cheese melted on top, plus 2 tbsp of cheese sprinkled on top, a cup of fruit, a bread roll, a salad, 2 tbsp of dressing, AND a giant piece of chocolate cake with frosting. HOLY FULLNESS. Having girls there who understood and the same torture I did was so comforting.. I'd almost rather go back to that daily torture so I wouldn't be lonely anymore. EW, I need to change my outfit again.. I look HUGE, nothing hides my disgusting body.. nothing is big enough. A big body only shows failures, thats what being big is.. a FAILURE. I'm a failure. ED, I wish you could give me a hug.. I don't want to cry alone anymore.. I just want someone to care :( Ed you've helped me so much.. but i'm told to let you go.. should I let you go? Who am I with out you? You're the only one who makes me feel special and beautiful.. thin brings me all that. I don't know what to do ED.. I love you.. but how long can I live like this..?
Until my next letter..

Well enough of that GLOOMY dump fest!!!.. Right now it is ANOTHER beautiful snowy day.. lots of snow this month! I'm still sitting at home because of my stupid wisdom teeth.. not much really planned for today. Probably going to clean my room, do some homework.. sounds uber fun I know :P Hopefully tomorrow it will be back to my old routine.. School, nutritionist, cardio class at the gym.. so excited! :)

Hope you are all having a wonderful positive day.. but remember even if your not, its never to late to turn it around or start over!
-A <3

Monday, February 15, 2010

Short. Sweet. and toooooo the Point

Hey all! Late night post.. since I have nothing else to do right now! :P

WISDOM TEETH UPDATE!--> I'm doing really well now actually :) Not so much with my chubby chipmunk cheeks, but i've started making a bunch of soft foods, and am back on track with my meal plan. waahooo! haha. I was feeling really guilty for getting soo off track the past couple days.. and I could feel myself started to get sucked in.. so I needed to throw ED a curve/fast ball and get back on track.
My day has been sooooooooooooo boring. I feel so lazy :( I usually never spend a day sitting home doing nothing but eating, sleeping, watching TV, and being on the computer.. and i've spent the last few DAYS doing that. Its making me feel more guilty for eating because I feel like if i'm not even really active, why do I need so much food? Idk, i'm not going to act on these thoughts.. just acknowledge them and know that they SUCK. Hopefully I will look more human soon, and will be able to go back to school, and the gym... and just be active again!
Recently (yesterday) I started a formspring... and I'm actually surprised on how open i've been with answering questions. I think journaling gave me the courage to blog.. and blogging gave me the courage to answer questions on formspring.. and eventually, i'm hoping ill have the courage to go public with my ED struggles so I can help raise awareness. I've actually found it to be really helpful answering these questions thus far because they make me think and reflect back on myself.. its been really interesting. So yeah, feel free to ask me questions bloggers! if you feel so inclined to do so :) but i'm not all that interesting so I hope I don't disappoint!

Ok, so.. I need some feedback on this.. I'm thinking of posting my last letter I wrote to Ed a couple months back. What do you girlies think? Do you think the two I posted was enough?? I don't want to life, shove these letters down all of your necks.. and they are hard for me to post anyway.. i'm just wondering if they are at all helpful to read? Let me know if anyone thinks I should post it or not.. I NEED FEEDBACK! THANKS! :D

I guess thats all for now! Its snowing again.. possible late opening tomorrow?? well its not like i'm going anyway.. no way in hell i'm going looking like this.. I have enough self esteem issues, don't need to add my monster sized face!!!! ^-^

I'll leave you with a pic of me and my puppy who has been keeping me company these past few days :D

CHALLENGE TO EVERYONE--> do something adventurous tomorrow! Try something new.. be it a food, or a new rout to work.. add some spontaneity to your life! Have a great day :)
-A <3

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I changed my mind.. PLEASE PUT MY WISDOM TEETH BACK!!! :(


Holy cow!! My mouth feels like I got punched in the face 50 times.. and had teeth ripped out!! which I guess I did so that part makes sense.. haha. OUCHHHHHHHHH :( Don't even get me started on my face.. wowza. hello ginormous cheeks!! its actually kinda funny.. I would show you but my self esteem is not high enough for that kind of embarrassment.. lol. :P I know I was really concerned about restricting.. but there isn't really much I can do. I mean I can't chew or anything, I can't even open my mouth wide enough to fit a spoon in! So while according to my meal plan, i'm restricting, according to my FACE i am not. lol I do miss food though :( I was trying so many new things.. experiencing the FLAVORS OF LIFE if you will haha, so I can't wait to get back to where I was in recovery.. I just hope ED doesn't throw a monkey wrench in my plan and want to continue "restricting" once I can eat again... :/

anywhoo... HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ALL!!!!! <3 <3 <3 XOXOXO!!!!! WOOOOOOOO haha. I'm not actually the biggest fan of this holiday... just because I don't really think its a real holiday and was made up by the greeting card companies.. but still.. its still fun to have a day devoted to love :) This time last year I spent Valentines day in Renfrew.. and I made over 50 heart cards to give to all the girls..that was soo fun :)

I actually think I enjoy holidays in Renfrew better because there are so many people there to spend it with.. i'm pretty much alone at home. I mean my sister is usually out, my mom is all over the place, and my dad doesn't live with us.. but he comes over often to spend time with my mom. yeah.. weird scenario. I wish I could actually go out and do something for V-day! But i'm stuck in the house with my monster face... doomed to eating yogurt and smoothies all day and watching TV or sleeping.. FUN STUFF RIGHT THERE YA'LL!!! haha i'm so weird :P Not to much to report on today since i've pretty much spent the last few days sleeping.. maybe I should clean my room?? we'll see.. OH, question, does anyone know how long it will take for the swelling to go down??? lol, I know thats an odd question, but I want to know when I can go out in public again!! SHOPPING WITHDRAWAL!! :P haha Oh and speaking of questions, I made a formspring thingy.. idk why.. peer pressure maybe?? EVERYONES DOING IT!! haha yeah, so ask me questions!

http://www.formspring.me/amb10116 <-------- THAAAAAAAAAATSSSS MEEEE! I also put the link at the top of my page on the right.. you can't click it because I SUCK at adding links.. so you have to copy and paste it to get to the site.

Be my Valentine???? haha This is my little Valentines day teddy, he says HELLO BLOGGERS!! :P

Have a LOVELY day!! <3

Thursday, February 11, 2010

SNOW Day take 2 and wisdom teeth woes

NEW NAME! yesss. if you all haven't already noticed I changed my blog name, and layout.. just needed a little change :) One reason I changed my title was because I thought it would be easier to find me since there is some other person with a blog titled for the love of fashion.. weird right?? Well yeah, basically I don't know how to change my URL.. its saying I need to like, back my blog up on a disc and all this crazy stuff just to change it.. so if anyone can help me out, or tell me an easier way to do it, i would appreciate it!!! :)

Alrighty, so today is the second snow day at school in a row.. that means.. NO SCHOOL ALL WEEK!! AHHH.. well.. i mean we had a late opening on monday.. so I just didn't go, and then tuesday was normal.. but I didn't go.. and then weds and thurs (today) are snow days, and friday we don't have school for pres. weekend!! hehe fun stuff.

I went sledding and "snowboarding" yesterday with a couple friends from the gym where I work... IT WAS SO FUN! I haven't gone sledding in so long, since like freshman year.. so like four years ago... and I forgot how fun it is to actually hang out with people haha. Its nice to hang out with people and feel normal for a little.. but then meal times roll around and it gets so stressful. I don't want them to judge me.. but i'm just not at a place where I can eat pizza and chips and be ok with it. I've been trying so hard to eat foods that are more "normal" and less acceptable to ED. I had sugared cereal, Eggo waffles, and I even tried Mint choc chip icecream. ED PRETTY MUCH HATES ME RIGHT NOW. :/ But I don't care.. I had fun.. and tried new things... and eating those things just once wont do anything to me. right????.. yeah i'm pretty sure i'll be good... :P

The picture below I took at a park near my house.. and the picture above is the parking lot at the KOP mall :)... I totally think these two photos fit in with this post.. not knowing which way to go.. needing direction, feeling torn.. well. You'll see.. read on.. :P

Now, on to something that I need some help with. I was suppose to get my wisdom teeth out yesterday, but it was cancelled because of the snow, so now I'm getting them out tomorrow. I've wanted (my ED has wanted) me to get my wisdom teeth out for so long because it would be the PERFECT excuse to not eat, or barely eat for a least a week. I know, awful thing to think about, but my ED has wanted me to do this foreverrr. He's thought of so many things like, getting my appendix out, tonsils, getting swine..haha, just lots of things that really people should never wish upon themselves.. that i've actually hoped would happen just so I wouldn't have to eat. The thing is.. Now that i've gotten on track and i'm doing really well.. i'm really torn. I'm NOT happy with my body at all, but i'm happy with my food choices.. and i've come so far.. I just don't want to go back to how things were. I'm scared that now that its actually happening I have to do what my ED has always wanted me to do.. but UGH I don't wana be pulled back in!! Idk what to do... Because the urge to restrict and lose weight has been so strong, and I feel like I can afford to lose some weight.. I just feel so gross with where i'm at. :( UGH I really don't know what to do... :( :( :( i'm so torn.

This is a short post, I don't really have time to write much more because we have to dig my friends car out of the snow!! :0 crazyness. Hope everyone is having a wonderful snowy day. stay safe! and warm.. :P
-A <3

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Letter to ME from ED... this is a fun one.. NOT.

Alright ladies.. here is the second letter from my journal, only this one ED wrote to me.. so its a pretty shitty letter and I totally understand if no one wants to read it.. its really more for my own clarity. It was really hard for me to post this because there are a lot of personal aspects to this letter.. and its a little more graphic then the first one, so if you start to get triggered, please stop reading it. I talk about self harm, purging, and diet pills.. just so you have a little heads up. The letter is kind of like a story.. if you pay close attention you can see that ED is telling me to do things.. and i'm defying him.. and then you read his reaction to what is going on. Its kinda interesting, but again.. WARNING, MAY BE TRIGGERING! However, I think this would be very therapeutic for a lot of girls, write a letter to your ED, and have him write a letter back. That way, when you read his words out loud, or to a friend, you'll realize how mean and hurtful he is, and that YOU DONT DESERVE THAT.

Dear A,
Good morning fatass! It's time to push yourself out of bed and start your day. Ok, go look in the mirror, lets see what the damage is today. YOU DISGUST ME! Look at yourself! Your legs are short, stumpy, fat and repulsive! They are so close together the only thing you can fit between your chubby little thighs are a piece of paper! And don't even get me started on those hips.. you're so revolting. See all that fat? Pinch it! Do it! Feel how you've ruined yourself! Oh gosh look at that gut! It looks like you swallowed a beach ball or a spare tire! Ugh, suck it in girl! I can hardly see those ribs, and your hip bones are just barely poking through! You're a disgrace. What are those two huge tubes of lard hanging down from your shoulders? Are those your arms? Oh god I can't even look at you. How dare you claim to have anorexia. The only eating disorder you look like you have is BING EATING. You're such a disappointment. Get out your scale, but try to break it with your fat ass! What does it say? XX lbs...another disgusting number. This is your fault you know. If you would just listen to me all the time you stupid worthless girl, you would actually be skinny by now! Get dressed, I'm done with you, but put baggy clothes on so the rest of the world doesn't have to see your failure; you're fat. Are you really going to eat today? After all I just said to you?? How dare you ruin htis body we worked so hard on! I will not let you waist these past 7 years of sweat, pain, heartache and tears! How can you disobey me?! Trusting some women, who claims to be a nutritionist, that you just met a few months ago to control your body?! OUR body?! Fine, FINE, eat your yogurt and apple, its not to late for damage control, we can still fix this. PURGE. NOW. DO IT! Get this food out of you! Do you feel that? Its your stomach growling, can't you just feel the fat starting to spread through out your body?! I can't believe your crying, you're such a wimp! Toughen up and do what I say! this is what you're suppose to do, no one will care, they are all just testing you to see if you're strong enough to starve. No one really cares about you. The only reason your treatment team still talk to you is for the money. You're fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, a disappointment, weak, and a frustrating mess. No one loves you, and no one will be aorund to comfort you whenever you need it, but I WILL! I'm always there every second of every day. Stop fighting me! You'll never win, I own you, you know that. Fine, dont purge, there are still other alternatives. Take pills. As many as you can fit in your mouth. All kinds, laxitives, diet pills, metabolism boosters, colon cleansers, dieretics, just do something you disgusting representation of a girl! Can't you see that for yourself? You're destened to live a sad, miserable, lonley life because YOU ARE WORTHLESS, and you are NOTHING WITH OUT THIN, and certainly NOTHIN WITH OUT ME! Wait. Stop. What are you doing?! Do NOT throw out those pills!! I don't care if the people you care about told you to get rid of them, I am who you should care about and I am telling you to keep them! Listen to me! Great, now you've done it.. are you trying to make me livid with you?!? I'm the only one who helped you when your father screamed, wiped your tears when you kept your mothers secrets, gave you control when all was lost, told you how to starve yourself when that boy trapped you in, gave you love when you felt like you had none, gave you friendship when you were left alone... YOU OWE ME!! and this is how you repay me?? By disobaying and fighting with me?? You deserve pain.. go cut your writs.. NOW! If I can't punish you, then punish yourself! See.. don't you feel better? The blood dripping down your hand signifies you taking back control. All the feelings of hurt and self hatrid.. let them bleed out until you feel nothing, you're numb. Its time to go, cover up the cuts, you don't want anyone to see how strange and sad you truly are. Put on your fake smile, show that nothing is wrong. No one wants to know how you're truly feeling, they just ask to be polite and nosey. I can't believe you're actually going to leave your house looking like that. YOU'RE DISGUSTING! Everyone is going to see how fat and out of control you are! People will stare, and talk about how fat you are behind your back, but don't worry, they will say you're THIN to your face so they don't upset you. Everyone lies to you, i'm the only one who tells you the truth. The only time they don't lie is when they are angry with you and say hurtful things. It they hurt, you know they are true. I hurt you all the time, but i'm always right, I only speak the truth.. I speak what I see. How can you even doubt me? Look for yourself, look in the mirror and see what I see. A fat, worthless, no good waste of space. I can't take tis anymore, I don't want to look at you.. RUN! You need to work out and get some fat off your revolting body. GO burn some calories and gain some respect! Work out until your lungs burn, your head pounds, your heart races, you can't breath, your limbs ache your stomach burns, you can't see, your hearing is muffled, and you're going to pass out; and then, only then, can you stop. The worse you feel the better you've done. Every calorie counts. You need to burn off every last one. Get some ice to chew on so your mouth doesn't feel like cotton balls. Take a shower, blow dry your hair to make it look thick and healthy. Add blush to your cheeks for a healthy glow, concealer under your eyes to hide the dark circles, lip gloss to give color to your chapped lips, use eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow to make your eyes look big and healthy. There, take a look, you look like a happy, healthy, normal girl. Perfect mask. But your body.. you're still f*cking revolting.. none of those clothes are big enough to hid your fat. Its lunch time.. but DO NOT EAT! I now you feel sick and awful, but at least you'll be thin! Feeling empty is the ultimate feeling, the ultimate accomplishment. What is full? Full is FAILURE! Full is WEAK! Full is DISGUSTING! see how your hands, knees, feet, body, and lips are purple? Thats good. See how your nails are turning clear and your hair is thin? Thats good. If you look sick, you look thin. If you look healthy, you look fat. Oh stop crying, I don't care if you feel torn and confused. There is nothing to be confused about! You HAVE to listen to me, stop letting what other people are saying get to you! STOP FIGHTING ME! You deserve everything thats happened to you in your life. You know what you're going to community college? You're stupid! If you hadn't of let them put you into treatment for most of your highschool career you would be going to normal college! You can't do anything right, you're a failure, disappointing daughter, and a burden on your family. You're father hates you because he can see who you truly are. You don't deserve love, and you don't deserve happiness. I'm all you have, and all you will ever have. I can't believe you're still fighting with me, after all i've said! GIVE IT UP!! I'm going to keep talking like this all day, every day, 24/7. I'll be there watching and critiscing everything you do! I will NEVER STOP until you give in, so you might as well just give up the fight and surrender now! I won't quit, you MUST REACH PERFECTION! YOU'RE FAT!! YOU'RE FAT!! YOU'RE FAT!!! YOU'RE FAT!!!!!!!!! How many times do I need to say it, you worthless waste of space?? Fine. you fell asleep.. i'm done for now, but when you wake up, I'll be back to say the same things over and over to you until you break. You can only hold me off for so long, I always end up winning in the end. Ok, enjoy your nap. I'll be waiting for you when you wake up.
Love, ED

Above is a picture from the NEDA walk with my arm, BECCA's, and a few other Renfrew girls sporting the eating disorder recovery symbol in a "tattoo".

No one deserves to hear things like ED says day in and day out. You girls are worth so much more, don't let ED beat you down. Reach out and fight back!!
- A <3

Monday, February 8, 2010

Letter to ED # 1

This is a Letter I wrote in my journal a few months ago.. I was in a pretty bad place with my ED, and decided I needed to write him a letter to get all of my feelings out.. Then I wrote A letter from ED to me.. and then I wrote another letter back to ED.. lol. They are all kinda long.. but I think it gets my point across ;-) This is the first letter I wrote, I'll post EDs after, and then the last one I wrote to him. Sorry this is so confusing! haha WARNING, MAY BE TRIGGERING!! I don't use numbers or anything, its just kinda.. idk depressing. It was good for me to re- read this to see how far i've come.. but it was really hard to post this for others to see.. so please don't be to harsh on me! <3 Oh, and these are a couple pics from the NEDA walk in NYC a few weeks back.. my lovely BECCA is in them as well.. LOVE YOU.

Dear ED,
This fight is just too hard. I'm so drained I can't even think. My body aches, my muscles are sore, my joints crack, my head pounds, my heart races, my stomach burns, and my energy and ability to think is gone.. but I still worship you. You're right about everything. You're all I have. You've given me so much, I don't know how I could ever live with out you. I just want to feel loved and cared for. I don't ant to be alone. I know i've failed as a daughter and a friend, but I can still please you. I know our relationship is abusive; but like any abusive relationship, I keep coming back because you are all I know. You're the only one who has always been there for me, and although you curse and yell at me, I long for your praise. But... Ed.. everything hurts. I can't sit in a chair with out being in pain or bruising, I can't be comfortable lying down because my hip bones dig into the bed, and my spine does as well. I can't keep my arms in a certain position or they go numb and lose circulation. I can't eat with out feeling sharp stomach pains, but I can't starve with out the acid burning my stomach and chest. I'm constantly in a fog, and often to weak to walk up the steps in school. My skin turns purple, my hair is thin, my hands shake, and sometimes its hard to breath because my heart starts to race and pound. I'm scared of you ED. I don't want to die. I appreciate all you've done to comfort me, but the one thing I desperately need and want is the one thing you can't give me.. a hug. Yes, a hug, as stupid and insignificant as that sounds, a hug offers comfort, safety, security, warmth, love, kindness, and care. I need to feel wanted. I feel like a giant burden on everyone I come in contact with. I want a real person to be there to wipe my tears and offer me comfort. I want to have friends, help others, and enjoy life.. and i'm told I can't do that with you. We need to separate, but i'm scared to lose you. I don't know how to function, live, think, feel, act, or even just be with out you. You taught me to love bones and numbers, now they have become my world. I don't want to be FAT, and I don't want to be AVERAGE, I want to be special.. I want to be THIN. Thin is special, I know, you tell me that all the time.. but I want there to be more then me then just being thin. Why do you only let me see a horrible monster in the mirror?? I see my hair falling out, my eyes sinking in, my face pale and sickly, but I see the body of an overweight person. I can FEEl the bones, why can't I see them? I'm so overwhelmed. I'm trying to fix school, my family, my treatment team, my job, my social life, my self, and YOU.. and its really wearing me down. I'm scared giving up and giving in may be my only option. I'm scared to fight you and lose my seance of control, i'm nothing with out you. I don't want to spend nights crying myself to sleep, lunch periods at school sleeping in the library, free time at home researching diet tips and pro-ana web sites, or cutting my wrists to release the screams and cries I desperately want to let out. I'm desperate for human contact and interaction.. but at the same time.. i'm petrified by it. Everyone I come in contact with I hurt, annoy, sadden, frustrate, disappoint, and eventually drive away. Even my parents don't want to deal with me anymore. I'm unloveable The only one who promises to love me and never leave me is you, ED. You're there so often that you consume my life. I've spent every waking minute thinking about you, listening to you, and trying to obey your rules. I've stuck my fingers down my throat for you. I've used a knife on my wrists for you. I've taken pills for you. I've starved myself for you. I've exercised to the point I literally though I would die, for you. It was all for you.. but what do I do for me? I don't even know who I am.. I'm lost and I can't find myself with out help. I'm just so exhausted from fighting with you day in and day out. Even as I write this letter I can hear your hurtful words chanting in my head. I wish I could just be normal. You make me like that dream is hopeless. I wish for once I could have someone come to my rescue, A REAL PERSON, instead of you. As ridiculous as this may sound, I can't keep writing this letter to you because i'm too weak to keep holding this pen. I'm torn between you and the ones who supposedly care about me. I so desperately want love and approval, and I hate to be a disappointment.. but I can't please you all. There is so much more I need to say, but I just can't think or function right now. Until you shout at me tomorrow morning to wake up and asses the damage I've caused the previous day, goodnight ED.

-A <3

Saturday, February 6, 2010

** snow day= food day **

Picture from my front door( had to take it with my lap top because my camera isn't working).. puppy foot prints in the snow, and the path we made so they could actually walk.. LOOK HOW HIGH THE SNOW IS IN THE SECOND PIC!!

I hate that its a snow day on a saturday.. mostly because thats the day I get to go to the gym and now I totally can't go :( haha. I think this is like the 3rd time this year that its snowed over the weekend and been totally fine for school. BOOO timing, snow and school really need to get in sync with each other.
ANYWAY. I decided to take this opportunity of being stuck in the house to try some new foods, and some different combos of food that I already eat. I don't know why.. but I feel so guilty :( I'm really weird with putting foods together.. I feel like (well ED tells me) everything needs to be eating separately because it takes longer to eat, and fills you up faster. In doing that, i miss out on a lot of things I like, such as one this i made today- hummus sandwich with lettuce :) I have no problem eating just hummus ( weird I know) and i've even gotten use to putting it with veggies, and I have no problem with eating a slice or two of bread ( well i mean I always feel guilty eating carbs, but I know I have too), but putting them together is like a major ED no no. SO that was one of the things I tried. Another thing was an almond and apple butter sandwich. Usually I'll just have like a teaspoon of apple butter, or a teaspoon of almond butter, but never do I put them together, and NEVER do I put them on bread... WHY AM I SO WEIRD?? we'll none the less I did both of those things.. mostly because I used light bread so it was only 40cals each.. and I didn't feel as guilty making 2 sandwiches with it since it was basically like having one. I only mention cals because thats how my meal plan works, I use exchanges and calories. So I have like certain calorie goals I have to meet at certain points of the day to make sure I get them all in by the end of the day. I recently increased them so I really feel like every time I eat is a binge.. I feel like I eat sooo much!! Its like every 3 hours, 6 meals a day. crazyness.. even though I know thats what a lot of girls do. Idk, I mean i was doing 6 meals a day before.. they were just like half the size they are now.. literally.
Also, I'm so sick of that huge bloated stomach I have going on right now!!! Its like every time I eat, no matter what, I look 9 months pregnant!! so uncomfortable, and makes me hate eating that much more :( I really hope that goes away soon, because its been happening for a couple months now, and my DR said it was my body getting use to food.. but UH, HELLO, SHOULDN'T IT BE USE TO FOOD BY NOW?? idk :/ I'm trying to not weigh myself since i've gained XX pounds, and I know seeing the number will make me want to restrict.. but i'm so scared that its gone up from that.. I mean it must have because I increased my cals.
I'm having such a hard time with recovery :/ But I don't want to stop following my meal plan and start restricting because my metabolism is so screwed up, idk how it would react. There was a point that I was eating a really low # of cals.. and my body was just gaining and it totally freaked me out! I actually think that was one of my main motivations to start increasing my meal plan.. I really want to get my body working correctly again.
Alright last topic I want to talk about.. food thoughts. I'm thinking about food 24/7. what i'm going to eat, when i'm going to eat, how many calories there are, how I can get all of my calories in, its soo frustrating!! I feel like i'm suppose to be eating every second! IM NOT EVEN HUNGRY!! And i'm scared this will lead to me over eating, or binge eating.. :( blah, sometimes I wish I were back in Renfrew because they take all the guess work out of everything. You eat what, when, and the amount they tell you.. the only downside was the actual food they made you eat. ( i'm my opinion) Is it normal to have food constantly on my mind?? I have such anxiety about having meals, I'd almost rather just have one giant meal for the day so I know I could be done thinking about it. idk what to do :(
I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it either. All my ED friends live all over the place, and I don't want to bother them with these feelings. I wanted to be the strong friend that influenced recovery and gave them hope. I also don't want to let them know i'm struggling with things because I feel like I'm not allowed to struggle now that i've gained so much weight. I don't even feel like I'm allowed to say I have an ED.. I have to say i'm recovered because thats what my body reflects. Idk.. some what of a discouraging post.. as was the last one.. just had a few more things to vent about!! Not every post can be all happy and motivating anyway right?! that would be boring :P
Thanks for taking the time to read this extremely long post!!( who ever does)
Have a great, safe, happy, and healthy day!
-A <3

Looking out the glass doors to my shed.. so much snow!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Um.. Why is this not going as planned??

This is a pic i took walking home from school.. I feel like i'm split between two paths.. recovery and ED, so I guess I would be the leaves spread between the road and the sidewalk.. blah my thoughts are all over the place!!

Alright.. so I know I left my last post like 9 hours ago.. but ugh I need to vent! I'll do it in a short post so that its not to depressing.. haha
Ok, i'm all for recovery, very gung ho (spelling?) and everything.. but what the hell man?? why is body image so hard??? I'm glad thats its been a year out of treatment.. and I guess i'm proud that i've gained xx pounds.. but I CAN'T STAND MY NEW "HEALTHY" BODY! I feel like i'm in a fat suit ALL THE TIME. I keep telling myself to stop paying attention to the way my clothes fit differently, and comparing myself to how I use to look.. but I mean come on, how long is that suppose to last?? Every time I walk by a mirror I want to cry.. the reflection I see is so upsetting.. and just being in my own skin.. I don't even know who I am. This isn't me. I don't know who I am if im not that "skinny" girl. Now i'm just another chubby face in the crowd. (Sorry Ed is really being a B*atch right now and totally writing this post. ) I'm just so upset and frustrated. :( I've over come so many of my ED fears.. or at least tried, and I gained the weight I needed to make my Dr happy.. so why is that making me SOOO unhappy?? I wish I could get up, look in the mirror, and feel like i'm beautiful, and worthy of that day. Ed is so mean.. and i've had to listen to him for over 7 years.. I don't know how much longer I can keep this bully in my head with out giving in. I'm fighting him SO HARD. I eat past my fullness to complete my meal plan, tears running down my face and all.. and only to wake up and do it again the next day, and the next day. UGH, i'm so sorry this is such a depressing post.. but my last one was very cheery! so i've youd rather hear the inspiring hopeful side of me.. thats the post for you.. but if you want to hear the hardship and Ed dominated thoughts.. YOUR IN THE RIGHT POST. Alright, lets be positive. I'm alive another day to fight this battle, as hard as it is, at least i'm given the chance to fight.. not all girls with ED's are that lucky. So many wonderful girls have lost their lives to this horrible illness, and I wont be one of them. also... SCHOOL IS OUT EARLY TODAY DUE TO SUPPOSED SNOW THAT WILL BE HAPPENING LATER TODAY!!... haha I love how its not even snowing yet but my school is closing. :D
Keep fighting girlies and stay strong.. Its hard.. I know.. but venting helps!! :)
-A <3

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Well my blog is called "for the love of fashion" so i feel like I should incorporate some pieces of my wardrobe!!

OH MY GOSH!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TOO ME!! ONE YEAR OUT OF RENFREW!!!!.. for the second time... haha. For the past two years, around this time, I have been inpatient at Renfrew for two months a piece. blah :( ...But i'm determined for this year to be different!!!! I've had so many ups and downs since I last left Renfrew.. I did relapse.. but the past few months i've worked really hard to pull myself out of that downward spiral that I've come accustom too and know oh too well. I'm a senior in high school, so this is my last year.. and since I spent part of sophmore and junior year in treatment, i've really only had one full year.. and i'm determined to graduate with at least two!! haha. I'm so ambivillent towards how I feel about recovery.. every day is something different. I want to live, so really I don't know why I question recovery.. since that is the only way living is possible. I know that when I was in my relapse, I was told if I kept going how I was doing, I wouldn't make it to see many more birthdays.. scary thought.. and I think thats what helped motivate me to take control of my life in a different way. You know what I hate? No matter how many times I say I want a life, and I want recovery.. I still have that voice that goes "hey, wait. but you want to be skinny. Don't forget about being skinny. Why live if your not skinny???" ... WHATS THAT ABOUT MAN???? how irrational is that voice? SHUT UP ED, I'M TRYING TO FIGHT YOU!!! I hate how every bite of food I still feel so guilty.. the guilt is different this time though.. because not only am I guilty that I'm eating when I feel like I don't deserve too.. but i'm enjoying food.. AHHH!! What happens when an anorexic likes food?? I DON'T KNOW BUT I'M IMAGINING HORRIBLE THINGS!!!.. aka.. never being able to stop eating. I really like putting different foods together, experiencing new tastes and different healthy foods... I actually get so excited for my daily Trader Joe's visits.. I even have a Trader Joe's sweatshirt!!! :D haha. Alright, this post was a bit all over the place.. I just wanted to post about this fab. day.. its almost like a birthday in my eyes :) and birthdays should totally be celebrated!! :P

This is one of my fav. outfits from this year :)

Ok thats a lot of pics... lol. I think that will be all the pics I will ever post with me.. haha I wish I had one of the mannequins that I could dress with my fave. outfits and take pics of that.. :/ don't judge me too much please! lol

Hope everyone is doing well!! ( all of my like 8 followers.. lol)
-A <3