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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hump day!


Good evening my bodacious bloggets! ( the thing above is for a give away.. i'm not cocky. lol)

I don't have all that much I want to say right now.. the past few days have been.. ehh. By that I mean, ED has been breathing down my neck and making me feel horrible about myself :( I'm really trying to stay positive and keep trucking.. but idk, I'm still doing what needs to be done, following my meal plan and all.. ugh i'm just so frustrated with my body, and not being able to change it and make it the small little waif I use to be. Its hard to feel like im in someone else's body.. I really am trying to get use to it.. but its just so hard to look at myself in the mirror with out crying :'( gah, i'm sorry...I dont think anyone needs to read about how fat I feel 24/7 and blah blah blah. who is that going to help? NOT ME, and certainly not YOU my little bloggers!!

... I just feel like i'm stuck at a traffic light.. waiting for the light to turn green.. and i'll be able to go down the road of my life and accept myself and my body... why won't the light turn green????

I can't think like this.. I need to try to ignore my body and think about all the great things I will be able to do once ED is no longer a resident in my brain. Its been almost a year since I started seeing my nutritionist, C, and wow.. i've come sooo far, and yet.. have so more more I need to achieve. I'm so grateful that I stared to see a nutritionist when I started to relapse.. because i'm positive I would have been back in IP if I hadn't. She has helped me soo much, and gone above and beyond what a normal nutritionist needs to do. Part of the reason i'm trying so hard is because I know how much she wants me to get better, and I really don't want to let her down or disappoint her for all the hard work and frustration shes had to go through with me.

hmm.. lemme think of some positive things from this week... I got some school work done.. so thats nice to actually feel like I was accomplishing something positive that doesn't have to do with my ED. :) And I start training with A tomorrow, my personal trainer, so i'm looking forward to that.. oh, and I had a half a banana two days in a row!! lol, i know.. that sounds dumb, but they are a fear food, and one that I think is totally irrational and I want to over come.. so this is how i'm trying to do that! :D.. I liked my outfit today :) haha. I have a lot of fun going through my closet and putting outfits together that I haven't ever created before.. so heres a pic of what I wore today.. turquoise cashmere cardi, new kate spade bag, ruffled grey long tank, black and white tank layered underneath, black opaque tights, and black booties ( not pictures) :)

Recently, a person on formspring asked me.. "How do you deal with your negative emotions? I am realizing that even though I have been on trying and mostly staying on track with recovery my emotions have still been deeply suppressed. Iam afraid of them. All I want to do lately is re suprress them." ... That question really made me think back to the days when I had no Idea what I was feeling.. ever. I was always numb and had no idea how to tap into my emotions.. It made me realize how far i've come with identifying how i'm feeling.. and it made me really proud :) .. this was my response.....

Dealing with emotions of any sort is really hard.. but especially negative emotions. Their are lots of different ways to deal with them.. but for me, I've found that journaling/ blogging/ or talking to friends really helps. Even though its hard to talk about your emotions, their is a relief that comes from expressing them in some way. If you really feel that you can't handle your emotions, I would talk to your Dr and see if their is something he/she can do to adjust your meds (if you take any.. but most ED people do.. :P haha) Don't be afraid of your emotions, embrace them.. your emotions let you know a little bit more about yourself.. you learn about your fears, hopes, dreams.. if you shut them out, you won't ever be able to fully recover because a whole part of you will be missing. I really do think talking ( either online or in person) has helped me a lot.. just getting things off my chest helps you think things through rationally.. and receiving feedback really helps put things into perspective. And as I mentioned before, journaling really helps too.. just write what ever you feel.. don't even think. Write curse words, abbreviations, anything that helps get your point across.. and if you can't get in touch with your emotions, write about why you think that is. Don't give up girlie, its hard, but you can do it!! <3 xoxo

I'm glad today is wednesday.. HUMP DAY!! because that means the week is almost over.. and the sooner the week ends, the sooner spring break comes, and the sooner I get to go to PARIS!!! AHHHHH, I can't wait!!! only a couple more weeks :)
( BTW I guess technically now its thursday.. because its like 12:15am... but I totally started writing this at like 11 but kept getting distracted!!!! gah!!! :P I'm really determined to make this a great week.. its so scary to start to go off track... it causes so much uncertainty and frustration that is not necessary!! I want to be like this flower.. beautiful, bright, radiant... I mean come on, how confident does this flower look!? Its like freaking glowing!

Be a flower!! Flourish, grow, and nourish yourselves! You all deserve health and happiness, don't settle for anything less!! Someone else posted on my formspring saying that they felt they couldn't beat ED.. and I know a lot of people feel like that.. so this is what I had to say..

Yes you can!! Its soo hard, and you may have days even weeks when you're in a rut, but if you reach out for help and support, it will get sooo much better. Don't give up, and don't give in.. you wouldn't go into a game or a competition thinking you've already lost, or will lose, so don't think that way about the biggest battle of your life. You CAN do this and you CAN beat this.. your life is so worth living.. you just need to give it a chance. Something I tell myself a lot is "let me try recovery.. and if I don't like it, I can always go back.. ED is always an option" and no.. that doesn't mean i'm planning on going back to my ED (although I do still have one.. I feel like i'm speaking like i'm recovered.. i'm not, just working hard in recovery).. its just a way for me to take away some of the fear of losing my ED forever. You have nothing to lose in trying right? Keep fighting, and reach out for support.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! xoxo <3

I think I might start posting some formspring Q&A regularly.. because some of them I feel like I want to blog about anyway.. so this just saves some time :P haha

So reach out girls, don't be afraid to ask for help, but make sure you embrace it!!

Keep fighting amazing girlies, I have faith and believe in all of you!!!
-A <3


  1. Hi there - loved this post and the analogy to being a flower!!!!! Yes we need to nourish ourselves - we deserve it!!!!
    Love your outfit - especially the cardigan!!!!
    Keep up the positivity!!!!!!! xoxo aimee

  2. girl its ok to be a bit negative at times, so long as you try to turn it around and continue doing what ya gotta do. So I'm proud of you for that. ps... you are still a waif of a girl. Even if you continue to gain you will still look like a waif. It's just your bone frame. You have NOTHING to fear. You will never be anything larger than very thin. Honest to goodness.

  3. Hi there! Thank u so much for commenting on my blog! I really like your sense of fashion, that cardi is beautiful! Also I´m a BIG Twiggie fan myself- so cool :) You seem to be a strong personality and a fighter, that´s something I definitely look up to!! I´m constantly in the need of reading honest words like yours, to help me get better :)

    Take care & have a lovely day, girly!!!! xoxo Mel