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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Mini vacation!! so hype :).... and the dreaded water loading :(

Helloooooo, bloggers!

I just wanted to give you all a quickly little update and fill you in on LIFE before I go away to KIAWAH ( South Carolina ) to visit my family for a week.

Before I get into the update, here are some pics I took with my friend when we went into the city.. ( not NYC ) These are actually pics I took before I met up with her.. specifically so I would have some fashion bloggy pics for you all to look at!! haha, and a few from the city.

Floral high waisted skirt, black belt, black footless tights, black J crew flip flops, black tank top, black Coach bag, long chunky Lucky brand necklace, and oversized sunglasses.

This is gonna be a shorttttttt post, because its almost 2:30 am and I should be sleeping since i'm waking up in a few hours!!

I went shopping again.. ahhh!!! TOTALLY need to stop shopping because I now have NO money... but we were in the city.. HOW DO YOU NOT SHOP IN THE CITY?!?! answer- YA DON'T. ( sorry i'll use I statements... I <----- DON'T)... and H&M was having a killer sale that I just NEEDED to take part in. Ya know.. do my part in supporting the economy and all. :P

I've had a buttloaddddddd of appointments this week.. almost two every day with various Drs and what not... but nothing that was all that memorable to share with you.. haha

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about body image.. I feel like thats one of the main things keeping me stuck in my ED. Its hard to see something that no one else can see.. ( or wont admit to see )... and be able to accept that. I mentioned this on a question I got on my formspring a while back, but something my therapist said I found to be really interesting. I can't remember word for word what it was, but it was something like..

" You will never be able to see yourself the way others do. You will never be able to see your full self in 3D. Every time you look in a mirror, picture, video.. its all 2 dimensional.. and the brain likes to see things in 3D, so if it can't, it will make the rest up. Because you will never be able to see yourself the way your brain wants you too ( 3D )... you will NEVER know how others see you. You'll NEVER be able to see the real you.. only a partial correct version.. while the rest is made up."

.... interesting isn't it? Ever think of it that way? I didn't.

Recently, i've been finding it more and more difficult to accept myself and my body, and come to terms with the inevitable... weight gain. >.< boo. Not pleased, not looking forward to it, not enjoying the process. Overall i'm just not a HUGE fan. Which must sound odd since everyone TOTALLY looks forward to weight gain. Idk. I've been pretty mad at myself for getting back to a place where this is even necessary. Its so stupid. I KNOW THE CYCLE BY NOW, WHY CAN'T I BRAKE IT!?! Weight loss= Weight gain... the only way to not deal with weight gain is to NOT LOSE WEIGHT!!! DUHHH!!!!!!! I need to stop thinking that losing weight will make me happy or like my body.. because even if it DOES bring me those things... it wont last because i'll have to gain it back! Its just stupid, and logically I don't understand why I put myself through this time and time again.. but, I guess thats what goes with an ED. I found myself reverting back to an old habit that I SWORE to myself I would never do again.. and i'm a bit disappointed that I did.... Water Loading. I drink and ate before my most recent Dr. appt so I would be at the weight she wanted me at... I even wore a shirt under my gown. :/ The plan was that if I was at that weight for two appointments in a row, she would give me ADD meds... and once I had them I would be allowed to take my drivers test. I really did try to meet that goal.. but I fell short.. and I didn't want to let anyone down.. so I figured lying was the best way. Rational thinking? I think NOT. Water loading is a messy road to go down.. and I know now that it probably wasn't the best idea.. but I think it will encourage me to make sure at my next appointment, the number is legit.. and I have a couple weeks to make that come true!

In other news.. my mom is moving back in and my dad is moving back out! WOOOO, love the stability in my family!! Dysfunctional?? PSH! NO, NEVER! :P

Alrighty kiddies, thats all for now.. its almost 3am! wow.. 3 hours till I get up :x yikes.
Hope you all have an AMAZING sunday!!! I'm hoping I will too!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GOSH, i'm so excited!!!!! :D

-A <3

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Blast from the past.. well.. a few months ago.. and Update on NOW :)

Hey all!!!

Very short quick post because I PROMISED (on my formspring, and on here) that I would be posting more often, and I think if I wait any longer I will definitely be breaking that promise!

I've been procrastinating a post for a long as possible because I usually only like to post if I have fashion pics to go with it.. but.. I haven't wanted to take any pictures of myself recently (since florida) because I guess it was a little picture overload there, and I got really self conscious... so.. hopefully by the next post i'll have some updated outfits for you all!! I did go on this giant shopping spree the other day and I have a few pics of some of the things I bought.. but I can't find the pluggy thing that connects my camera to the computer.. so my camera is holding those pics hostage at the moment.

Sooo, not tooo much to post about because I said so freaking much in my last post.. I probably should have split that up or something.. but anywhooo..

As I mentioned, I did go on a bitttt of a shopping spree at the Mall with my friends J and R. It was really fun.. a super great day actually. I took my favorite kickboxing class in the morning, went to the mall and shopped all day, then came home and watched a movie with my friend J. AHHHH, soo great :) The only sad part is I now have no money :( haha.

I also saw Eclipse the other day... WOOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to see it a few more times so I can reallly remember it ( I think it might be wise to wait for it to come out on DVD rather then spending like 50 $ so I can see it 5 times), but from what I remember, it was great! haha

Just for the sake of feeling like I have to put pictures on my blog, here are some pics from when I was in Paris that apparently I never put up? why you ask? no clue.. haha, they were intended to go up, but I guess I had so many that I never got the chance for these ones..

So YEAH! thats Paris.. from over Spring break.. I guess, middle of March.


Things have been going pretty well. I've started seeing my Dr. every two weeks.. which is a bit of a bummer because I had finally gotten her to let me come every month.. but, I guess I need the extra support right now. (i'm going to try to get it back to ever 3 weeks soon though!!) As I think I mentioned in my last post (pretty sure but I always forget.. even though I re-read it.. haha) that I did have a mini relapse this summer, so getting back from that has been a bit challenging, but i'm still truckin! I have gotten the OK to go to Kiawah ( South Carolina ) to visit my half sister and her family (as I mentioned before) so that was super exciting!!! :D I leave on Sunday and stay until Saturday.. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I am, however, really nervous about how it will be food wise and exercise wise. I've taken my over exercising down A LOT, so i'm really proud of myself for that, but whenever I go for long periods of time with out scheduled exercise (a week is what I consider a long period of time.. haha) I come home and go crazyyyyyyy.. IDK WHY!!! Its like I feel like I need to make up for all the exercise I didn't do, or.. in a way, I feel like it gives me an excuse to over do it because I think " well, I didn't work out for a whole week, so its ok if I do an extra couple hours, because I didn't do ANY for 5 days!) probably not the right mindset, which is why i'm hoping i'll be able to squeeze in a bit while i'm there... its just the uncertainty that makes me nervous. I'm also nervous about the food aspect because i'm going to be eating all of my meals with people... none are going to be on my own, and every night they have family dinners. I'm just worried that they are going to try to push me to eat things i'm not comfortable with, or make comments that won't be all that helpful. They've never had to deal w/ anyone with an eating disorder before, so this is new and scary for them.. and they had a bit of hesitation for me to come visit, which kind of makes me feel this added pressure to make sure I do everything right. I'm hoping they give me a good amount of freedom to make my own choices with food.. but again, the uncertainty makes me really nervous/ anxious. HOWEVER, I need to keep in mind that they are my family and are just trying to help.. and I love and miss them, so I need to try to put this ED aside and enjoy myself in the time that I have with them.

Now on to, THERAPY DRAMA. There was a bit of drama with my new therapist last session.. which is a bummer because I really liked her and didn't want to have to give her an ultimatum. The issue was about weight. Go figure an ED person getting in a fight with her T over weight, but thats exactly what happened. Not so much a number problem, just the fact that I was being weighed... further explanation would probably help you understand what the heck i'm talking about! I signed a weight contract with her, and in this contract it said that she had my permission to weigh me in one of our sessions every week (I have 2 sessions a week). Well, this was all fine and dandy with me when I first signed it because I figured " I like this therapist, and i'm not going to walk away because of a stupid weight contract.. so i'll stick it out and hopefully be able to handle it"... well.. this thought was FALSE. I was not able to handle it, and quickly realized that getting weighed by my therapist every week, and weighed by my DR. every 3 weeks was making me OBSESSED with the scale again. I always had a problem with weighing myself multiple times a day.. and the only way I was able to start recovery and gain weight last year was by stopping myself from constantly stepping on the scale, and only being weighed once a month at my Dr. visits. Remembering this, I decided I needed to tell my T that this plan we agreed on was doing more damage then good, and I needed out of it ASAP.. *big buzzer noise* WRONG* YEAH.. not that easy. Her answer.. to sum it up.. was NO.. so that was a bit disappointing to say the least. We left the session on good terms ( because that was at the beginning) but the weight issue was not resolved. I REALLY didn't want to leave her as a therapist because I really liked her.. but I felt like I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I didn't know what to do because the whole point of therapy is to GET HELP, and that was the opposite of what was happening. I ended up sending her a text ( I Hateeeeeeeeeeeee with a capital H talking on the phone to anyone other then my friend Ali.. idk why.. haha) saying that if we couldn't work something out, I was going to have to find another therapist :( ... SUCCESS!!! I went in today for my next appointment to discuss this matter, and she said that as long as I was getting weighed by my Dr. I wouldn't have to be weighed by her anymore. WOOO!!!!! I WIN!!!! lol. Does anyone else feel a lot of anxiety when their weighing routine.. ie being weighed by their Dr. or N every X weeks changes, or becomes more often? I DOOOOOO! But, problem solved, and now I just have to work on not weighing myself at home anymore.

Food wise things have been good.. since I started seeing my N, i've been trying really hard to follow my weight gain MP.. some days have been harder then others.. especially the days that I step on the scale and see that its working.. AHH!!! >.< but I know thats the point, and I want to be healthy, so I need to except the change, and focus on doing the right thing. Plus.. if I make my weight for two weigh ins strait I get to be put on different ADD meds (ones that will ACTUALLY work, not the stupid ones I was put on because I have and ED and they didn't want me to lose)... YIPPYYYYY :) and once i'm on them, i'm allowed to get my drivers license... DOUBLE YIPPYYYY!!! So only good things will come from me gaining.. I MUST keep that in mind. I'm a bit worried, however, that the meds could cause me to lose weight.. which will kind of ruin everything.. but, I wont know until I try, and I want my brain to be able to focus so I am able to drive!!!

Alrighty chickies, its almost 12:00 am, and I wanted to post this before the day ends, so I'll talk to you all soon!!!!

Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!!!

-A <3