About Me

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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm alive, don't abandon my blog yet, lots of things to say and show you!!! :P

Hey everyone!!! I have LOTSSSSSSSSS of pics coming up in this post from my vacation!!!! wooo!!! this is going to be like a mini story book.. so get ready!! I'll start out with some pictures of before I left for Florida, the look of the day...

light blue ruffle tank from... some store in London, black belt, black high waisted shorts, black arm cover up thing.. kinda like a half cardi I guess?

.... next, second look.. from the second day in florida.. on my balcony :) ... Long tee with design from a store in Paris, cropped leggings, and same half cardi black thingy.. haha

I'm actually at the air port right now, but I felt really bad about not posting for weeks, so I thought a quick update with some pics was better then nothing :) Before I do that though... SORRY FOR MY LACK OF POSTING!!!! I usually try to update at least once a week, and promise I will get back to doing that again this week! :)

Reasons for lack of posting:

a) I had lots going on, and posting was the last thing on my mind.
b) Started with a new therapist and didn't feel the need to write things down because I was talking them all out! :) marvelous how that works.
c) I was exercising too much to want to sit down and write.. Blah I know, not good.. but noticed the WAS in that statement as I will soon elaborate on.
d) I started seeing my Dr. more often, so that plus therapy made my ED the last thing I wanted to talk about.
e) I was busy getting ready to graduate High school!!! WOOT WOOT

Alright, 5 reasons of why I didn't post is enough, now on to the update!!

Wow the last time I posted was the first day in June.. and now its pretty much the end.. a lot has happened!!

I like lists.. so i'm going to make another.. lol

1. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! I honestly was really scared I wasn't going to graduate because of all the school that i've missed.. especially because freshman year was really the only one I had good attendance and was there the whole year! My parents kept saying all year, "it will be a miracle if you graduate"... and when I finally did.. all they wrote on my card was.. " we didn't think you would graduate, way to go!"... ha, NICE. But true. I'm so glad to be done with high school.. honestly, this was the worst time in my life, so I can't wait to start a new chapter!! I really want to start this new phase of my life with ED behind me... which brings me to my second number on the list...

2. I lapsed.. pretty much the day after graduation things just went down hill. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because I had more free time? Maybe its because I realized its summer and I have to wear shorts and other clothes that I haven't worn since last year? Maybe its because i'm secretly freaking out about the next chapter of my life.. not knowing exactly what i'm going to do. Lots of thoughts swirling through my mind.. and the way I decided to deal with it was to fill my days with exercise. I started seeing a therapist twice a week though, and I really like her! She worked at the Spring Lane Renfrew, so it was nice to be able to talk to her about that.. and over all I just felt like she was a helpful person to talk to. The only down side is that we made a weight contract, and she weighs me once a week.. which drives me CRAZY!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE being weighed by other people. I hate seeing my weight, I hate when others see my weight, and I hate knowing that my numbers are out in the universe. I just hate it all together. I feel like if I were never weighed, It would really help my recovery. I can't do blind weights because it drives me crazy to have someone else know my weight when I don't.. so I always have to look. I also hate how I get weighted during the day, or at night, with all my clothes on and after meals. akjshgajkhs w/e, enough about that, but thats the only downfall to my enjoyment in our appointments. Hopefully that wont last forever.. especially since i've put myself on a weight gain meal plan!.. which brings me to my third number on the list..

3. My Dr. told me I couldn't go away and visit my family in South Carolina (Kiawah) if I didn't gain weight... I REALLY WANT TO SEE THEM!.. hence, weight gain is a must. No, i'm not a fan, and no, I don't think I need to gain, but if thats what it takes to spend time with my family then so be it. ( and my parents wont be there, so thats even more of a reason to want to go!!!! :P haha) I left for florida the last friday, and am coming home tonight, so I was here for 8 days.. and during those 8 days, I took that as an opportunity to get on track. No exercise, tripled my cals, added two supplements, and away we go. Lemme just say, gaining weight while wearing a bathing suit everyday.. not fun. But, oh well!! I feel like being away from home is the only way I can get back on track. I'm really afraid to go home now though.. :( I do so well when i'm away from home, but once I get back, I can't help but fall back into my old patterns. I'm also really scared to go back to my Dr... I know she told me to gain.. but I always feel guilty when I do what she says... does anyone else feel like that..?? haha. I do agree that I should gain so my brain functions better.. which brings me to number 4 on the list...

4. I have noticed that my ADHD or ADD ( idk which I have) has gotten a lot worse.. I feel like I can't even function!!! I can't drive because my mind wonders off into LaLa land and its pretty scary to drive when you're not fully present. So i'm either in La La land or OCD land.. where I start counting the lines on the streets, looking at license plates and counting how many of them start with certain letters.. the list goes on and on.. and now i'm scared to get my license because I don't feel like its safe for other people on the road.. I don't want to hurt anyone :/ I'm also always in a fog... I walked into the mens room TWICE while in florida.. and the worst part is I didn't notice until I came out of the stall and saw a man in the urinal!!! ugh. *totally embarrassing* I also got lost and couldn't find my way back to my room at the resort.. just call me ms. disaster. I'm hoping that my mind will snap out of it.. or back "in it" (because i'm out of it.. ha, pun.. ha....ok.. :P ) soon, because its not fun!!.. speaking of not fun.. on to number 5...

5. BRACES. I got bottom braces.. AGAIN. Why? because one tooth was out of place... erg. >.< most pointless reason to get braces again!!!...but my mom insisted.. so.. I now have metal glued to my teeth once again.. JOY.... which brings me number 6.. something that was ACTUALLY joyful!! :)

6. RENFREW REUNION!!!! yay :) A couple weekends ago was the Renfrew yearly reunion. It was really nice to see staff members, therapists, and friends that i've missed sooo much!!! I actually found going to the groups to be very helpful and motivating, as well as seeing my friends. Yes, it was triggering at times to see patients, or people that are clearly not doing well.. but for the most part, it was a very inspiring experience and i'm so glad I went!! I even saw my therapist there and took one of her groups :) I also got to connect with a couple girls that I had talked to online but never met up in person before. One of them, M, I was sooooo excited to meet up with!! She ended up staying the night, and we went to a group that was held at Renfrew the next day. LOVED meeting up with her, and were planning on her coming back really soon!!! She is amazing, such a good friend, and i'm so glad that we meshed well together. We actually talked pretty much every day before meeting up.. so it was nice to be able to put a voice to the face! Can't wait till she comes back to visit. :) Now.. for my totally random number 7... but first, a few more pics from my florida trip.. gotta spread them out a bit!!! haha

These pics are from when my sister and I went parasailing...

... alright, on to number 7..

7. This is something that just happened today.. Has anyone ever cried as a result of an awful manicure? anyone? anyone? Well, I would be the last person to cry about it.. but, lemme tell ya, it was pretty freaking hard to hold back these tears. Let me explain... So, I went to this salon in florida where a mani and pedi together was 28 dollars. That should have been the first warning sign.. thats super cheep. BUT, I love a good deal so I was ALLLL for it. We go in, and right away I got a bad vibe from the place.. no one was friendly.. no one even said Hi.. we walked up to the man at the desk, and he just looked at us. Just stared. So my sister and I stared back.. because.. we'll.. we thought he'd say something! haha. Then we asked if he had time for two mani and pedis.. he waited a few seconds then said yes.. then nothing. Again, everyone staring at everyone. Strange. But w/e. With out giving you the play by play in complete detail, my sister and I went to our seats, sat down, and waited for the people to come over. Basically.. my lady was a disaster. This was the most unsanitary place I have ever been to. Let me just list ( yes another list, bare with me) all the things that happened..

1. she wore extremely dirty, used gloves. Idk what she was doing in those gloves, but the fingers had brown all over them.. gross.
2. She took out the "tools".. and they were totally not sterilized.. I didn't even see any sterilizing machines around.
3. She didn't clean the soaking bowl.. she dumped out the old water, and just re-filled it.. ew?
4. While she was filing my nails.. she stopped to wax someones eyebrows and ring people up.. so she was all up in the money drawer with her dirty ass gloves, and then came back over and continued to file.. c'omon lady!
5. She didn't even noticed I still had nail polish on and didn't bother to take it off.. I had to ASK her if she would..
6. She did a shitty ass job filing my nails.. they were crooked and snagable.. so when she went to wax someones eyebrows, I re-filed them myself.
7. When she took out the buffer and "buffed" my nails.. she didn't even look at what she was doing and started buffing my knuckles!!!
8. She sent me to wash my hands ( I decided to use scolding water so I could feel like I was killing as lest SOME germs) and I saw her clipping her cuticles with the tool she used on me, wiped it off with her gloves, and stuffed it back in the drawer!!! Proving my non-sterilized theory.
9. When she did the "hand massage" she put lotion on.. rubbed the top of my hand.. and told me to go rinse off. nice massage.
10. She kept scratching her nose and face with her gloves.. ugh.. at this point I was so grossed out by everything.. I just started tearing up!
Mind you, it takes a lot for me to cry, and it wasn't the fact that my nails looked like shit, it was how unclean I felt! I really didn't expect that great of a job, or great service since it was so cheap, but I never expected them to be so unclean and unfriendly.. even my sister was displeased with how they treated her and the job they did. Needless to say, I decided to skip the pedicure after that and waited outside. I'm so embarrassed for crying when I told my mom what a bad job they did.. but it was the weirdest feeling.. I just felt like crawling out of my skin, so dirty and upset that I didn't walk away when I saw her whip out those tools. Idk, maybe I over reacted.. maybe it was because of my OCD.. but, w/e it was, I still have this feeling that I need to shower a couple times.. haha.

MORE PICS!!!! haha :P... this is from our little fishing trip!

Alright, kiddos, I feel like I can't leave off with my last topic being about nail polish melt downs.. so, what else can I tell you about... hmm.. Well, I'll just tell you what i'm excited for this summer. AND YES, i'm making one last list.. :D I really feel the need for organization right now.. haha. Family vacations are very much, go with the flow, no planning, or planning and things changed all the time.. it drives me nuts! I want a plan, a schedule, and I want to stick to it! I hate uncertainty.
k, so things i'm excited for...
1. The next twilight movie to come out!!! ECLIPSE!!
2. Getting home and back into my life! Working out ( healthily), Seeing my friends, working... planning my days! haha
3. Trying more fear foods! I had a LOT of them while I was on vacation, and I really want to keep challenging myself with different foods once I come home.
4. Seeing my half sister, her husband, and two daughters in South Carolina!!! ( Kiawah )
5. Staying with one of my best friends in NY, A!!!!!.. and possibly seeing some of my other amazing friends that live there.. hopefully my lovie, B :)
6. Having another great friend come visit me FROM NY, M!!!!
7. Relaxing and enjoying my summer!
8. Continuing therapy and kicking ED in the asssss
9. Working on my tan, and having my hair get lighter :) I love the summer and its magical power of turning your hair blonde :P
10. Getting new ADD meds!! WOOO!!! I'm excited to be able to focus, and then get my license.. which will lead to FREEDOM!!

Last few pics..... one of these pics I was a bit hesitant to put up.. its me in the top of a bathing suit... I didn't really show my body, but, idk..

...I'm not sure if i'll keep that picture up or not.( EDIT---> I actually took the pic down.) I truly have mixed feelings about pictures of me in a bathing suit in general. On one hand, I feel like I look really healthy in them, and want to show everyone how well i'm doing.. but on the other hand.. I realize may not look as normal as I think. Idk, I put them on facebook and got a bunch of conflicting comments thrown at me, people saying I look great, others saying I dont... so I don't know what to think. Its weird.. because Its not that I think i'm "fat" its that I think I look healthy.. which I translate to different words such as beefy, huge, and fat. But if anyone were to ask me, do you think I'm fat, I would say no.. but then if you ask me if I look healthy, I would say fat. IDK!!! does anyone else have a problem like that?? Like you know you aren't "fat" but you don't think your thin, or skinny, or petite, or any cute little word. Blah.. I've always struggled with body image and wearing too many layers.. so one of the challenges I gave myself was to have one day that I would try to act like a normal person... take pictures with my sister before we went to the beach, and I would wear the top of my bathing suit as appose to the shirt and shorts I always wear over it. The whole thing is too much for me.. so I feel like just the top is a start! Idk, i'm glad I did it and I now have pictures to look back on.. but after we got back and showered I went right back to my sweatshirt and leggings.. much more comfy! ( 6 $ sweatshirt mind you!!! what a deal!)

OKEEDOKEE, thats enough for now.. seeing as this is a really long post!!!!... which I started in the air port, and finished at home.. hehe :) This may be my longest post ever... WOWWWW, and the most pictures i've ever posted... GOOD LUCK READING IT ALL!!!! haha. I'll save my artsy photos from my trip for the next post.

Talk to you soon lovies, hope everyone is well!!!

Stay strong, keep fighting, and enjoy your summer!!!!

- A <3

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

PROM PICS!!!!... and other stuff :)

HEY ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for such long gaps in the posts i've been making!!

So as promised, here are BUNCHES of pictures from the prom.. which was on MAY 15 at the Please Touch Museum.
I had a lot of fun.. and loved seeing everyone all dressed up! Everyone look SOOOO amazing. I really hate to say this though... but I think prom triggered me a little and caused a bit of a lapse. I felt HUGE in my dress.. and I felt I looked HUGE in the pictures.. and idk, it made me want to lose weight. BUT.. i'm trying to put that behind me and focus on getting my weight back up and getting back on track!!! so, anyway, here are A BUTT LOAD OF PICS.

and more..

and a couple more... lol this is the last of them, promise :)

alright. so that was prom! haha. now on to the rest of my life.

so the search for a therapist is still one. I've see one so far, and i'm seeing another one tomorrow, and idk about when i'm seeing the next. Man I hate these "first" appointments... they all ask the same questions, and you just have to keep talking about yourself OVER and OVER.. HATE IT!! but.. if thats what it takes to find someone who can help me, I guess its worth it.. right??? yeah.

I went FULL OUT shopping the other day.. got lots of great summer things from Urban Outfitters, American Eagle, Victorias Secret, and Macys. Can't wait to show you some of the things in my "looks" pictures. Speaking of looks, here are a few pics of a couple outfits I wore last week...

wow..this post is JAM PACKED with pics.. it makes me feel like people might think i'm obsessed with myself.. please don't.. because IM NOT!!!! just putting that out there... lol.

hm, so what else is going on with my life??? Well, as I said in my last post, I stopped seeing my N.... but now I MAY be going back to her.. or someone else. My mom has noticed my recent slip in weight, and while I don't think the amount is that big of a deal, she is FREAKING out, and wants me to see my N ASAP. So.. we'll see. Idk.. I still don't think I need to see a nutritionist anymore... I mean I know what I need to eat, i'm just having trouble EATING it.. but an N can't help you eat, they just tell you what to do. Idk. I guess i'm kinda confused with whats going on with me right now. I feel really HAPPY, not depressed at all.. and I don't really feel like i'm relapsing.. but i'm losing weight and reverting to old habits.. so am I relapsing, or is it a lapse?? but HOW can I be relapsing if I feel HAPPY????? This doesn't make sense to me. Everyone around me is freaking out and saying I need to go back to treatment.. and its really throwing me for a loop! Are people seeing something I don't?? or are they just overly concerned. These are some things I have to figure out.. and soon.. because i'm already losing people. My one friend txted me saying we can't be friends until i'm better because she doesn't want to be around me at this weight... YEAH. harsh. It bothers me because this isn't even a low weight! Its not like i'm really sick.. just struggling a little, and instead of people helping me through this, they are leaving me on the side of the road to find my way home. How is that helpful? How is that supportive? Its not. And its frustrating because I WANT to be ED free, and I see my self getting to a place that I'll be able to achieve it.. but I need HELP, and I don't understand why when I need help the most, everyone abandons me. I guess recovery is something you need to DO for yourself, but it doesn't have to be BY yourself does it? Alone or not, I know I can do this, I just need to try a bit harder to increase my cals back to a healthy number. I did stop exercising as much.. ONE HURDLE JUMPED, now I just have a few more in the way and I totally win the race!!!... ok.. stupid analogy.. but w/e. :P

I WANT TO SEE SEX AND THE CITY 2!!!!!!! Anyone else want to see that?? I think i'm going to see that sometime this week.. so pumped!! ( random tid bit)

OH!!!.. so my senior project presentation is tomorrow... YIKES!!!!!!! it has to be a 15 min long presentation.. and if you don't pass, you cant graduate!! thats a lot of pressure!!! But they want you to pass, so its not like they are out to get the students.. so hopefully i'll do fine.. but i'm still nervous!!!! :o

Alrighty everyone, i'm gonna peace out... but I hope you all have a FABULOUS tuesday, and had a great Memorial day and weekend!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy the weather, and the fact that today is a new day, your mistakes are behind you and its time to start a new!!!!!!

-A <3