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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Its been a hard days night.. but ive been working like a DAWG!

Morning all!!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.. so I didn't really feel like posting.. But then today I thought it would be beneficial to go back and talk about what was going on with me.

SO, basically the past month or so i've really managed to find a groove with my meal plan, and get on track. I upped my cals a couple weeks ago, and while it was hard, ultimately I know its something I need to do if I want to get my Metabolism working again! ANYWHOO... Last week I got my wisdom teeth out ( no shocker there.. I already told ya'll this.. I just need to re-state it so I can get to my point.. :P haha) and ever since then.. HAKJFHDKJHFJKSHD chaos in meal plan world.

( My theme today is a road.. so this is me walking down one!! haha :P... you'll understand once you keep reading :D )

Before I got them out, I was contemplating restricting.. and I guess for the first couple days I did, but then I got back on track and was doing the cals I needed.. but with foods that I am NOT ok with.. so it was REALLLLLLY hard for me. I managed to do that for a couple days.. but ugh.. it all came crashing down yesterday. My body image has been SHIT.. but I suppose anyone who gains a substantial amount of weight would have a hard time adjusting to their new body. Its just hard.. I constantly feel like i'm in some elses body.. I just dont feel like ME.. and I even feel like I hold myself differently.. walk differently. :/ idk BLAH!! well.. that combined with my face being HUGE and swollen.. I was just supper triggered. My face kinda reminded me of when I was in IP and they made me get to a weight that I am just NOT comfortable at and can honestly say I will never get to again.. but yeah, so looking in the mirror.. dude I literally almost had a panic attack. Its a lot better now.. but its still not back to normal. Ok, back to yesterday.. I woke up and was just like.. "wow, I don't feel full"... (I usually wake up full from my snack at night).." this is great!.. I really missed this empty feeling!!".. and I just didn't want it to go away once I ate breakfast.. so I didn't.. :x ah, i know, so not something I do! I ALWAYS have breakfast, no matter what, because its what starts your metabolism for the day. But then I took my pain meds, and you can't take them on an empty stomach.. so I had coffee with a bit of hot choc in it.. haha I know.. not food.. but it had calories! doesn't that count for something?!.. well anyway.. continued through out my day.. went to the gym.. worked out.. had a nutritionist appt.. got yelled at for the first time in a WHILE.. and then promised her I would go get a smoothie from the smoothie bar.. yet couldn't bring myself to do it. Coincidentally, I also the gym I go to is where my nutritionist is, and where I work.. so after her apt, I just went to work until 8. Then I went and got my nails done.. and by the time I got home it was time for my evening snack. By then i felt sooo guilty for letting ED ruin my day, and so down on myself for screwing up all my progress I was making with my body.. so i had another coffee with some hot choc, and a piece of bread and called it a day. WHAT A DAY... disaster day is more like it :(

There were soooo many things going through my head yesterday.. but the one thing that was calmer then most days was ED's voice. Sound strange? lemme explain.. haha. When I restrict.. well, I dont even like to call it that because its honestly not hard for me.. its harder for me to eat then it is to not eat. Blah this is hard to explain. Basically.. If I don't eat.. I don't get hungry, so its easy for me to just ignore my meals, and then ED leaves me alone with food all day.. and its the nicest break from his screaming.. so its hard to not give in. But, If I eat.. then I get hungry, or just anxious for my next meal, and then the next meal, and ED is always screaming, and ugh its just awful.. >.< but as hard as it is, i've been able to try to shut him out as much as possible. (besides yesterday)

Another thing going through my mind was PROM. Yes, the ever popular senior prom is coming up in a couple months. Their will be TONS of pictures, and girls looking beautiful, and girls FEELING beautiful.. and I want to be one of them :/. I have a date and all.. but I want to actually FEEL beautiful in my dress.. and I just don't know how I can do that at this weight. I feel like if I just loose a few pounds.. I'll feel more confident.. and the thing is I KNOW its true because I do feel more confident at a lower weight :x ..... but.. a few pounds turns into 10, and 10 turns into.. i'mma keep going till I'm so low I black out all the time, and ya know what, i'm just not a fan of that girl anymore... and I don't think my date would be either.

( the stop light has to do with my road theme.. lol.. so this is a pic I took near wawa :)... I thought it was coooool )

Blah, lots of ED conflicting thoughts yesterday.. BUTTTTTTTTTT, today is a new day, and I'm starting it off right with actually having breakfast. I'll acknolage that yesterday was a hard day for my ED, but today is going to be different. I hate bumps in the road.. but they happen, and you need to learn to swerve around them, or ride them out.. so.. SWERVING AND RIDING PEOPLE, SWERVING AND RIDING!! :P After breakfast I'm going to work out at the gym, run some errands, and then later, i'm having a sleep over at my friends dorm :D so today should be fun, and i'm looking forwards to lots of smiles and laughs that the day shall bring!! I'm going to keep telling myself.. eating is worth it, and i'm worth eating!!

Have a GREAT friday everyone, and remember, SWERVE AND RIDE out the bumps, because after a bump, there is always a smooth road right ahead <3 ( like i'm sure the mail truck in this picture I took near my house.. look how nice the SMOOTH road looks.. :P)


-A <3


  1. love your ALERT! you are the greatest sweetie <3 you so much!
    I totally completely absolutely relate to those horrible body image feelings and ed screaming at you when you comply with your mp, but you said it girlie, you DESERVE to eat, losing won't make you feel any better about yourself, you are so beautiful and amazing and that will never go away, promise! You will look stunning in your prom dress because that is what you ARE c: I hope your weekend goes well love, all your pics are beautiful btw ;p

  2. AHHH girly! i can relate so much! i am having such a hard time just living in my body. WHy..cant we just be okay with who we are? :( makes me sad, bc u are soo beautiful! and so the opposite of what ED tells u!

    This is my theme for today! that today is a new day! and i can "start fresh" start over...make today what i want to make of it!
    I am thinking of u! and YES eating is worth it and YOU are worth recovery/eating and nourishing ur beautiful self..think of food as beauty food...like "watering a flower...if u dont give the flower nourishment it will die and become ugly and dead..and if u take care of that flower, it will blossom and grow and be so beuatiful..just like us in recovery and eating, we have to know that it is so worth it!
    feel better lovie! i am always here.


  3. baby :[ stay strong. i know this is hard but you can do it!! btw, in renfrew you looked beautiful and amazing---just to put it out there. i love you so much <3

  4. I could have written this post myself. I've been feeling like this for days now. So proud of you for getting up and having breakfast though! Today I made the effort to do the opposite of what ED tells me to do. It's hard, but worth the fight.

    ~ Catherine