About Me

My photo
I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Realizations, Explanations, and Appreciations

Hello my dears,

I have a few things I wanted to say that have been on my mind and didn't feel like waiting a week or so to post like I usually do... so be ready to concentrate on this very long post!!! :D

Firstly, I really just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments on my last post. It really brightens my day and is sooo motivational to read such encouraging words from you amazing bloggers. The support from the blog world and through facebook has helped me sooo much on the hard days and has motivated me multiple times to try my best to make you all proud. So again THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! I go back and re-read your comments when I need a little boost of motivation and inspiration to challenge myself that day.

With that said.. sometimes i'm scared to be 100% honest on my blog because I don't want to disappoint anyone.. or have people stop reading my blog and offering support. I like to be positive because I feel that being positive really helps to be proactive in doing the right thing.. but sometimes I may be more positive on my blog then I feel in the current day. Recently, I truly HAVE been soo motivated and so ready to get rid of this ED. However.. I feel like I only talk about how motivated I am and how well I want to be doing.. not how much of a struggle it is to achieve that. I feel like i've kicked EDs ass with challenging myself this week.. trying different foods and striving to meet my meal plan, but even still, a couple times I did let over exercising kick MY ass. I don't want to paint myself as the perfect recovery person.. I do try to start my days off in a positive way, but sometimes things don't turn out well by the end of the day. I know its like that with everyone working on recovery, I just hate admitting how much of a struggle it is to do the right thing day after day. I hate how every day can be soooo different! I can have an amazing day, challenged myself, knock ED down and make him angry.. sometimes that can even happen 2 or 3 days in a row!!.. but then he comes back attacking my body and knocks me down. My hope is that those 2 to 3 days can turn into a week, then two, then be able to say i'm truly in recovery.. i'm just not 100% sure how to go about completely turning off the awful things ED says day in and day out. I've recently been telling myself, if I can tell myself i'm fat and believe it, then I can tell myself i'm thin and believe it. I want to believe it.

I want recovery so bad.. but sometimes I feel like I don't want the recovery body, and that scares me.. because with one comes the other. I'm starting to realize that there IS an in between.. its not all black and white. You don't have to be sickly skinny, or "healthy fat looking"... you can be skinny and HEALTHY.. so I have to stop attaching words onto healthy that just simply don't belong there. Healthy should be linked with happy, thats it. You can't be sick and happy. You just can't. I mean, how much of my life do I want to spend obsessing over certain bones that NO ONE thinks is attractive, or blobs of fat that NO ONE else can see but me? Its just not worth it.. and I don't know whats changed, but I do feel that something has shifted in my mindset. I'm more able to look at a sickly thin girl and feel bad.. truthfully sometimes I still feel envious.. but i've been trying to remind myself to look past that body. I try to think of how that person is feeling.. tired, weak, sick, unhappy, most likely hungry, and alone... and I know that I never want to feel that way again. I think part of the reason I have such a hard time imagining myself with out an ED is because i've really had it most of my life.. so I don't know what its like. What do you think about if you're not thinking about weight, calories, food, numbers, exercise.. how do you function? I want to learn.. and I think the only way to do that is by trying to be around people who don't have those thoughts, or had them and are now able to live a normal life. I want to be one of those people that can say "yeah, I may not be ok with my body, but i'm ok with my friends, my life, my happiness, and thats enough for me." I even think that, if I can change my image of what is beautiful.. I may even like my body for what it is. If I can change my mindset from thinking stick thin models with bones and clothes hanging off are beautiful, and switch it to a healthy muscular figure and... dare I say breasts.. with clothes fitting just right, I feel like my ED could be powerless to me.

Quite honestly, yesterday was a hard day for me. I had over exercised the day before.. to an extreme, and as a result of that, my body was really beaten down and not able to function at all the next day. I haven't felt that way in a long time.. and it really brought me back to the days that I would struggle.. and feeling that ill was an every day occurrence that I deemed to be normal. It made me realize how much I enjoy being able to go about my day feeling alive and able to function, not in a fog and cringing every step in pain. It made me sooo angry that I gave into my ED, and determined to do the right thing and help my body feel better. I ended up staying in bed all day ( after my nutritionist appointment).. and then going to whole foods where I challenged myself to a vegan pizza as PART of my dinner.. and made sure to meet my meal plan. It was hard for me to rationalize that it would be ok not to exercise and follow my meal plan.. but ultimately I knew I would be fine.. and it was my own fault for putting myself in the position in the first place. I spent all day thinking, reflecting, and talking to a couple friends.. and it really helped me come to a few important realizations. I've realized that I LIKE food. I LIKE trying new things.. and finding new healthy foods truthfully excites me. I feel like i'm truly doing something good for my body, and I have almost no guilt after eating. I also LIKE putting new foods together and creating new things. I LIKE creating healthy balanced meals and not putting a ton of calorie restrictions on what I want. Yes, i'm still struggling with higher calorie foods, but i'm introducing more things, and recently, i've been writing down all my favorite foods and making sure I incorporate them in my day. Most importantly i've realized that I can ENJOY recovery.. I can fuel my body with foods that make me feel good, it doesn't have to be such a struggle.

With allll of that said, here are some "Looks" pics from the other day!! haha.. Blue ruffled satin shirt, Dark grey high wasted skirt, black leggings ( not pictured) and black patent leather espadrilles with a "wood type" finish on the base. ( not pictured).. it was too hard to get my whole body in the pics and I didn't have time to go outside.

Sometimes I feel like its hypocritical of me to admit that i'm self conscious, but then post pictures on my blog.. and I wonder what image i'm portraying towards my readers. For me, I post these pics for a couple reasons. One is because it gives me an outlet when i'm struggling with my ED... and combines two of my favorite ways of self expression. The first is fashion, going through my wardrobe and putting together outfits that I like, takes my mind off of the over exercise I want to be doing.. or the triggering blog/ website I shouldn't be looking at. The second is photography. I truly enjoy photographing the outfits and then going back later that week/ month/ year and seeing all the different styles i've created with my clothes. I also love editing photos by playing with the lighting, cropping pictures, taking things at different angles, showing off the outfit in different settings against different backgrounds. I feel like from doing this, i've realized that I would love to be a fashion photographer.. or a stylist, and I feel like it gives me great practice. I also love to write.. so maybe i'd like to work for a fashion magazine? I also like to post "looks" pictures because, from reading other blogs, i've realized that having pictures of outfits is something I really enjoy to see.. so I wanted to incorporate that in my blog as well. This is my blog, and sometimes I fear that I shouldn't put certain pictures up because of what people will think of me.. but really.. I want to be doing this for me, and not for anyone else. I want my blog to be an outlet where I just spill my thoughts, post my pictures, and connect with people who feel the same way/ have the same interests as me. Its almost like i'm documenting my recovery for myself, so one day I can look back at all of these posts and see how my thought process has changed. Who knows, this blog may end up switching to more of a fashion/ photography blog the further I am in the recovery process. Point being, right now this blog works for me, it motivates me, gives me an outlet, offers support, and encourages me to work as hard as I can on recovery.

I feel like this was quite the serious post, but I just have so many thoughts swirling around my brain that I really couldn't focus on making witty comments!! haha

I hope everyone is having a great summer, and able to find days that motivate them to push past the difficult ones.

Here are a couple inspirational quotes my friend M shared with me..

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control."

‎"Many things are possible if I accept the fastest way is one step at a time."

and one of my personal favorites...

" If you always do what you always did, the you always get what you always got."

Thanks again for all of your support, and I'll talk to you all soon!!!

p.s. what do you think of my new blog layout??.. its kind of like the color scheme of my room.. I hope you like it!! haha :D


- A <3

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Back!! Raring and ready to go!!!

Hey hey hey, bloggers!!! I'm back from South Carolina (Kiawah) and soooo happy I went!!!


( I'm trying to stay focused and write this post.. but i'm watching Iron Chef and I really can't pay attention to my blog!! haha)


okay, so a little recap of my trip and first day home..

It was wonderful staying with my half sister, her husband, and two children. I've never really spent much time with any of them, so it was great to be able to get to know everyone better. I spent most of my time with F and M.. F= my half sister, M= her husband :)... and we had a lot of intense, but really great conversations. They were soo supportive, generous, hospitable, caring, and just over all really amazing people. They also have a really great marriage, so that was really nice to se. I ate a lot of challenging foods and met my meal plan every single day, so i'm really proud of myself for that!! I'll admit, I was triggered at times because I felt like I was eating wayy more then everyone else, and much more often.. but I had to try to not focus on what other people were doing, and realize that i'm doing what I need to do FOR ME. We did a lot of my favorite things in just a few days!! We went on bike rides, went to the gym, did yoga and pilates, got massages, got manicures and pedicures, went shopping, watched movies, played board games, enjoyed each others company, went out for healthy food.. overall it was just an amazing time and i'm SOOO GLAD I worked hard to meet my goal weight to be allowed to go. It was worth it, and I can't wait to see them all again. I only have one picture from the trip at the moment.. so I think i'll wait until they send me some, before I put any up.

Now, on to when I got back..

The problem with me going away, is that I ALWAYS do well when i'm away from home and out of my routine... that said.. every time I come back.. i'm all disheveled and off track.. EVERY TIME!!!!!!! IDK WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...the day I got back it was dinner time, so we went to Whole Foods so I could get some food for dinner. (I LOVE Whole Foods.. it makes me feel so safe... I feel like it radiates health :D haha )

STOP. PICTURE TIME. ... ok so I have a lot of pics I want to fit into this post, so I decided to throw some in righttttttt nowwwwww.

Striped black and grey shirt from London.. I don't remember which store, black wedges, and.... Lucky Brand SKINNY JEANS!!!!!... yes, I decided to wear jeans as part of my "learn to love your body" movement that I'm doing.. for myself. haha. ( explanation to come)... I have a really hard time wearing jeans because I truly feel like they make my legs look hugeeeee, but...... I think as a way to combat that thought, i'm going to chose a day and MAKE myself go all day in them so I can confront those thoughts and accept my body!

ANYWHO, so that night I got back I was fine.. but I found that my body image was getting increasingly worse.. I actually felt like I was looking heavier and heavier as the hours went by. It was terrifying. I kept trying to tell myself that wasn't possible.. but it was really hard to believe since I could SEE and FEEL it. Needless to say.. the more upset and self conscious I felt about my body, the more I started to fall off track. Long story short, TODAY was a great day!!.. haha, yes I was struggling until today.. but I had decided last night that I wasn't going to let the way I perceive my body keep me from getting healthy! I don't want to keep this endless cycle in my life anymore.. struggling, getting motivated and gaining.. feeling fat and being triggered, struggling, losing, then getting motivated again.. SO TIRING!!! Enough is enough! I have to just go for it and start every day with a positive outlook. No, I don't like my body.. but I don't need to tell myself that. I need to start telling myself that I AM thin, that I AM beautiful, that I AM worth recovery.. and ignore what my ED says. Bottom line, I want to be FULLY happy and I will NEVER be FULLY happy having an ED.. the most I could be is half because I may achieve the body I want, but the rest of my life will just go to sh*t. (pardon my frenchhh haha) Despite feeling huge and actually gaining a bit of weight, I still didn't completely meet my goal at my next Dr. visit.. so I wore my leggings... and water loaded again :/ BUT NOT MUCH!! I'm determined to meet that first goal, and I know I will because I'm going to keep following my meal plan. I'm not one of those people who says they have to do something and never do, this is legit, I want a life and I want to please my team.. so this isn't me SAYING i'm going to do it, IM CURRENTLY DOING IT. My trouble is staying motivated.. but i'm trying not to think about that at all right now, because i'm currently VERY motivated, and the present is all that matters!!!

The other day a couple of my friends from work invited me to go shopping, and then cliff jumping. The shopping part I was totally down for, but the thought of wearing a bathing suit while I was feeling like a giant balloon was NOT soo appealing..
I also didn't want to jump in because I wouldn't have enough time to shower before the class I wanted to take at the gym.. lol. I did end up going with them...but when they went cliff jumping, I just watched and took pictures for them with my phone.. lol. They did get a couple shots with me when they were done, so i'll show them too you!!! .. my friend asked me to crop her out, so its pics of me and cropped out people.. lol.

My outfit is my favorite black with little flowers, high waisted skirt.. with a satin, dark pink ruffled shirt, black belt, black leggings, and black sandals.

Next time they go, i'm going to jump with them!! I'm not letting my ED keep me from having fun!

I think the next post I do will be a fashion post.. I've gone on a lot of little shopping trips, so I have lots of fun and exciting new things to show you all!! I finally bought myself a Marc Jacobs purse before I went on vacation... so that will be one of the pics in my fashion post :)

Alright everyone.. this has taken me well over an hour because i'm just too distracted, so i'm gonna end this post!! haha

If you have an questions for me, feel free to visit my formspring!.. the link is on the side on my blog---> over thereish haha

Have a great night, and great week!!!! Stay motivated everyone, think of the goal, think of your hopes and dreams, think of your LIFE... you don't want your ED to be a part of it... so don't let it!!!

-A <3