Monday, February 8, 2010
Letter to ED # 1
This is a Letter I wrote in my journal a few months ago.. I was in a pretty bad place with my ED, and decided I needed to write him a letter to get all of my feelings out.. Then I wrote A letter from ED to me.. and then I wrote another letter back to ED.. lol. They are all kinda long.. but I think it gets my point across ;-) This is the first letter I wrote, I'll post EDs after, and then the last one I wrote to him. Sorry this is so confusing! haha WARNING, MAY BE TRIGGERING!! I don't use numbers or anything, its just kinda.. idk depressing. It was good for me to re- read this to see how far i've come.. but it was really hard to post this for others to see.. so please don't be to harsh on me! <3 Oh, and these are a couple pics from the NEDA walk in NYC a few weeks back.. my lovely BECCA is in them as well.. LOVE YOU.
This fight is just too hard. I'm so drained I can't even think. My body aches, my muscles are sore, my joints crack, my head pounds, my heart races, my stomach burns, and my energy and ability to think is gone.. but I still worship you. You're right about everything. You're all I have. You've given me so much, I don't know how I could ever live with out you. I just want to feel loved and cared for. I don't ant to be alone. I know i've failed as a daughter and a friend, but I can still please you. I know our relationship is abusive; but like any abusive relationship, I keep coming back because you are all I know. You're the only one who has always been there for me, and although you curse and yell at me, I long for your praise. But... Ed.. everything hurts. I can't sit in a chair with out being in pain or bruising, I can't be comfortable lying down because my hip bones dig into the bed, and my spine does as well. I can't keep my arms in a certain position or they go numb and lose circulation. I can't eat with out feeling sharp stomach pains, but I can't starve with out the acid burning my stomach and chest. I'm constantly in a fog, and often to weak to walk up the steps in school. My skin turns purple, my hair is thin, my hands shake, and sometimes its hard to breath because my heart starts to race and pound. I'm scared of you ED. I don't want to die. I appreciate all you've done to comfort me, but the one thing I desperately need and want is the one thing you can't give me.. a hug. Yes, a hug, as stupid and insignificant as that sounds, a hug offers comfort, safety, security, warmth, love, kindness, and care. I need to feel wanted. I feel like a giant burden on everyone I come in contact with. I want a real person to be there to wipe my tears and offer me comfort. I want to have friends, help others, and enjoy life.. and i'm told I can't do that with you. We need to separate, but i'm scared to lose you. I don't know how to function, live, think, feel, act, or even just be with out you. You taught me to love bones and numbers, now they have become my world. I don't want to be FAT, and I don't want to be AVERAGE, I want to be special.. I want to be THIN. Thin is special, I know, you tell me that all the time.. but I want there to be more then me then just being thin. Why do you only let me see a horrible monster in the mirror?? I see my hair falling out, my eyes sinking in, my face pale and sickly, but I see the body of an overweight person. I can FEEl the bones, why can't I see them? I'm so overwhelmed. I'm trying to fix school, my family, my treatment team, my job, my social life, my self, and YOU.. and its really wearing me down. I'm scared giving up and giving in may be my only option. I'm scared to fight you and lose my seance of control, i'm nothing with out you. I don't want to spend nights crying myself to sleep, lunch periods at school sleeping in the library, free time at home researching diet tips and pro-ana web sites, or cutting my wrists to release the screams and cries I desperately want to let out. I'm desperate for human contact and interaction.. but at the same time.. i'm petrified by it. Everyone I come in contact with I hurt, annoy, sadden, frustrate, disappoint, and eventually drive away. Even my parents don't want to deal with me anymore. I'm unloveable The only one who promises to love me and never leave me is you, ED. You're there so often that you consume my life. I've spent every waking minute thinking about you, listening to you, and trying to obey your rules. I've stuck my fingers down my throat for you. I've used a knife on my wrists for you. I've taken pills for you. I've starved myself for you. I've exercised to the point I literally though I would die, for you. It was all for you.. but what do I do for me? I don't even know who I am.. I'm lost and I can't find myself with out help. I'm just so exhausted from fighting with you day in and day out. Even as I write this letter I can hear your hurtful words chanting in my head. I wish I could just be normal. You make me like that dream is hopeless. I wish for once I could have someone come to my rescue, A REAL PERSON, instead of you. As ridiculous as this may sound, I can't keep writing this letter to you because i'm too weak to keep holding this pen. I'm torn between you and the ones who supposedly care about me. I so desperately want love and approval, and I hate to be a disappointment.. but I can't please you all. There is so much more I need to say, but I just can't think or function right now. Until you shout at me tomorrow morning to wake up and asses the damage I've caused the previous day, goodnight ED.