Today is September 11, 2010... 9 years ago today, a total tragedy shook the world. I feel like I should acknowledge
all the lives that were lost, the troops who are still deployed, and the families waiting for their safe return before I were to begin my post. Please try to spend this day being mindful of what occurred 9 years ago.
Alright, now moving on to my post <3
Before I really get into anything, I wanted to share with you all a question/ statement that was posted on my formspring. This person wrote this in response to an answer I gave to a previous question that was asked. I feel like the response I gave may resinate with some people, and work as a fresh burst of motivation.
Question/Statement:
"Im equally scared of falling back and moving forward. obviously with the relapse side im afraid of the pain and loneliness... but with moving forward, im afraid ill lose the only thing i can control... that ill lose all control and i won't be able to see myself in truth. *by that i mean the typical self loathing* because i need that to keep me on track, to make sure i never settle for what i am, to always want to be better. im just afraid. it is so much easier to fall back. i don't want to be...
vulnerable. my control is my defense. when everything around me is spinning into chaos, i know i can depend on that. if i let go of that part of me, ... i just don't know. thats why im scared."
My response:
"Everything you said.. every fear and every thought about control, I can totally relate to.. as can many people with an eating disorder. Becoming vulnerable, facing your feelings of worthlessness and self loathing, losing control of your life.. all of those things become temporarily "fixed" by your eating disorder.. making it so much harder to realize you need to let go of your favorite coping skill because its actually killing you. In reality, you may be able to escape those things in your life through your eating disorder, however, having an eating disorder actually thrusts all of those things back upon yourself. While entrenched in an eating disorder, you LOSE CONTROL of your thoughts and life, you have feelings of WORTHLESSNESS and SELF LOATHING that the eating disorder thrusts upon you, your life does in fact turn to CHAOS.. its just now, all in a different way, and is a direct result of your eating disorder.
Eating disorders are a shield from the world and a mask from your feelings.. but how can you grow as a person and experience life when your always hidden behind a shield? How can you be happy and form relationships when your true feelings are always hidden behind a mask? Its true, its much easier to slip back then to push forward.. but if you take the fight out of the equation and just look at life, what do you want more? To experience the world with NOTHING hiding you and holding you back?... or being trapped in a world with chaos permanently ingrained in your head.. berated by voices of worthlessness that can only be masked by life threatening behavior? When you think about it, its worth the fight to recover, rather then the surrender of relapse.
Your ED is a part of your life, yes, but its not who you are, and its not a part of you.. as much as it may feel like its your identity, or all you've know. It may have been always there for you.. but really think about how "there for you" it truly was. Its as supportive as a cheating boyfriend, as hurtful as an abusive parent, and as unhealthy as a drug addiction... you deserve better, everyone does. Don't give up the fight because of the fear that you are losing your most dependable relationship, give up the relationship because the fight is what will bring you all of the support, love, and encouragement you need to live your life."
Since starting my formspring, i've been amazing by how open people have been in sharing their feelings and concerns with me, and it feels so amazing to hear that my responses have been able to help motivate some, and teach others what an Eating disorder really is. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask me on my formspring, the link is on the right hand side of my blog.. near the top I believe.
ALRIGHTYY, moving on to the quick thanking portion of this post! :P
I really wanted to thank everyone for the supportive comments and well wishes on my last post!! Every comment you all leave really means a lot to me, and your encouragement really helps motivate me, so THANK YOU ALL MY LOVELY BLOGGERS!!!! I hope you can all take your own advice and encouragement, you deserve it <3
To start my little update, heres some (LOTS) of my "looks" pics from yesterday...
Light shade of army green jacket military inspired jacket, long black tunic with beaded embellishments, layered over a black tank top with white lace trim at the top, and a maroon sports bra, black leggings, black sandal, and my boot :)
I do have other "looks" photos from different days.. but i'll save them for next post.. :)
So, since I can't really do anything, I haven't been up to anything interesting.. unless you count Drs. appointments and work.. haha. However, because of this, i've had lots of time for my little "photo shoots" in my back yard!! wooo!!! ... yeah, i'm a dork and I accept that. :P ....BUTTTTTTT I feel like its less dorky this time as appose to the other times i've done this because I really have NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!!! haha. And, not gonna lie, I have fun taking pictures of myself because is FAR more challenging then taking pictures of anything else. Its easy to go around, see a shot of something that inspires you, and capture that feeling/ moment in just a few tires.. if not the first. However, when your trying to take your own picture, it takes a lot more time, set up, practice shots at different angles to see if your actually in the picture, lighting testing, exact timing from when you press the shutter release ( or in my case, the space bar on your computer.. haha), to when you set up in the position you want for the shot, and a lot more shots until it actually looks the way I intended it too. I also love styling outfits for the "shoots".. although usually the whole reason i'm doing one is because I like the outfit that i've picked out to wear that day.. haha. Because of all this, in the end I feel really accomplished when I can come out with some pictures that actually look good. ( please not that by look good i'm not referring to my looks, just the quality, lighting, and feeling i'm trying to portray in the picture. ) I'n a real photoshoot, I know that all that work and MORE is what goes into taking a great picture of someone else.. which is why I think I would LOVE to do fashion photography as I said in an earlier post.. but right now I don't have the tools to be able to set all of that up at my house and photograph people.. so for right now i'll stick with the challenge of photographing myself! haha.
After that wonderful day of positivity ( the last time I posted)... I ended up having quite a few negative gloomy days that followed. I realized that i'll most likely have to wear this boot for my birthday.. which means my initial plans of going to the NEDA walk in NYC and hanging out with my friends that weekend will most likely not happen....which means this will be the first year that I have to spend my birthday totally alone (yes my parents will be around.. but thats a story for a different day..) :( Then I realized I wouldn't be able to do this community service thing ( which was actually today) that I was looking forward to since I signed up... total disappointment. Then, finding out that I wasn't allowed to do ANY exercise, like, no pilates or anything, and being given a wheelchair to use by my Dr. realllyyyyyy put a damper on my mood. I don't have to use the wheelchair all the time.. just if I want to go out and do things that involve walking... like going shopping around my area or going to the mall, working at the front desk at my job, or going to the park... so basically I just wont do those things because I do NOT want to use it. haha. My mom really wants to take me for a "stroll" and wheel me around the park... OH MAN. WHAT A PARTY. Haha :P .... Idk, things have just been hard for me because I haven't been able to adjust my mind regarding this whole "sedentary thing"... I mean my body is all for it and supper pumped to have a break.. but my mind is like HELLLLLLLLLL NO, man!! Truthfully, I probably wouldn't have been allowed to do that little "photo shoot" because it was a lot of standing and such.. but I have to be able to have SOME sort of fun if im going to be confined to my house with no one to keep me company! I mean really.. there are only so many times you can watch Jersey shore re-runs and the food network channel before your brain starts screaming for a different activity!!! In a sense, I almost feel like not being able to do things is worse then being in treatment. <--- let me explain before heads roll, lol. I just mean, when I was in treatment, everything I liked to do (or most things) got taken away. I wasn't allowed to go to the gym, go for walks, go for runs, take pictures, go to the mall (unless on pass)... and overall just had a ton of down time when I wasn't in the appointments or groups. I always had a hard time with not being able to do active things while I was in treatment, but the part that made it better was being with people 24/7 and always having a friend around to talk to or hang out with. Now, I have all that taken away, BUT, I have no one to come over and hang out with me.. so i'm doing nothing, and am by myself. Having that solitude, I feel, has made ED decided that he'll keep me company so I wont be alone. Sweet, right?? >.< GRRRR. I need to get out of my head and keep my "eye on the prize" but i'm struggling to keep myself motivated and follow my meal plan. I know I mentioned that in my last post.. and it did get better for a couple days, but i'm having trouble keeping the momentum going... all this free time is just giving me a chance to pick apart my flaws and body image issues, and is giving me (ED) more reasons to not follow my meal plan. Staying busy physically was a way for me to keep my mind occupied on other things.. so I need to figure out a way that I can do that at home. Any suggestions???? I know read, draw, obvs, do photography or something.. but idk.. I mean I do love to do all of those things.. but it gets boring after a while!! haha I don't want to be a debbie downer.. I really should keep reminding myself that it isn't permanent, and enjoy this little break from exercise that I have. One positive thing that came out of this is that I did realize how important feet are!! haha As people keep saying, maybe this was a good thing that happened because now I have the chance to change my exercise habits and create healthy ones.. and while i'm scared that I wont be able to stop myself once I start.. I have plenty of time to mentally prepare for the fact that i'm going to HAVE to stop over exercising.
before I go, heres some less artsy, more fun photos expressing my "love" for my boot.... haha :P Let me just say, the stickers I put all over it LEGIT make me happier.. haha, idk why!!! Maybe because they are so darn cute?? Idk, but, i'm telling ya, stickers work as a great mood booster! :) hehe
Tomorrow, I have a brunch with some of the family members on my dad's side of the family, so thats something i'm looking forward to!! I get to see my half sister, with her husband and two children.. and I think my two other half siblings (brother and sister), with their wife/husband and children as well. Along with some other family members that I don't get to see often.. so i'm excited!!! I may even get to see some of them tonight.. we'll see. :)
I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!!!!! ...and if not make sure you are asking for support and trying to get back on track!!!! :)
I also hope the balance of positivity and negativity worked out in this post so that it still managed to be semi motivational for people!!! haha :D
Have a great night everyone, and a great weekend!!!!
xoxo
-A <3
