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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Hey lovies!!

Well D day has finally arrived.. or shall I say P day.. for PARIS!!!

I'm really excited.. but of course extremely nervous.... I have a very hard time eating out at restaurants, and now add that to a foreign place in a different language??? um.. yikes. Yikes times 100000. UBER YIKES!!.. ok you get the point, i'm scared. However, as scared as I am.. i've wanted to see Paris for as long as I can remember, and I WILL NOT let ED rob me of this opportunity. HEAR THAT ED??? BACK THE EFF OFF!!! Thinking about it.. I can't believe I was actually considering having my family go on the trip of my dreams with out me, just because I didn't want to leave my work out routine and safe foods.. HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!... i'm also kinda afraid of planes.. haha.

Alright, heres my outfit for today.. I didn't really wear anything but work out clothes the other days this week... so yeah, no pics of those :P

Lots of layers... black leggings, black sandals, black tunic, striped tunic, black UO skirt, and a black Jcrew cardi... my necklace looks like a ball of electricity!! haha so cool :P

I gotta say i'm in a bit of a tizzy right now because I strayed from my usual safe foods in order to help me prepare for the out of control feelings i'm about to experience in Paris... when I can't plan out my meals.. times, foods, cals I feel a TOTAL lack of control, and its so scary. SO, yeah, I figured, why not start today so it will be less of a shock in Paris.. but.. eh :/ totally feeling guilty, greedy, glutenous, grimey, gooey, lots of g words... and many other letters in the alphabet... haha. Oh well!!! tomorrow is a new day, a PAriS day.. time to give myself a one week ED free pass.. TIME TO ENJOY LIFE FOR A WHILE!!

Hmm.. well I started reading Wasted.. but i'm debating whether I should bring it with me or not. Leave it at home?? with all other ED memorabilia? Or finish reading it..?? I think I may leave it.. because although its hard for me to put it down.. its just not something that should be on my mind... right?? yeah.. haha

A few more topics I want to touch on before I end this post...

1. clothing.. oh how I could write a novel on this subject
2. family... oh how you would HATE reading a novel on this subject
3. dairy... oh.. just oh.

so, clothing.. I'm really struggling with CLOTHES. I've had the same clothes for years.. which I think semi keeps me in my ED because every time they start to actually fit me with out being too big, I feel like I need to lose weight. Well.. its that time again. Warmer weather is approaching, and so I decided to try on my old shorts and what not.. ugh :( they fit. I'm not gonna say the size, because no matter what it is, the fact that these clothes fit me makes me feel huge.. I never thought I would ever actually FIT into my clothes. What do you guys do with your old clothes?? I feel guilty getting rid of them because they "fit", and I LIKE them.. but they trigger me.. so get rid of them??? Or deal with the emotions?? both I guess.. blah, I guess i'll try to put this out of my mind for now.. its not shorts weather yet anyway!!!..

Family... alright.. w/ out getting into details.. I have family issues. haha. But don't we all???? :P... anywhoooo, I kinda wanted to know if I was the only person that does this. Well, I pretty much melt when I see a happy family.. the standard mom, dad, child playing together.. laughing.. ugh so precious. Any show, movie, family in the park.. pretty much brings tears to my eyes. I guess I just really wish I had that. I mean I do HAVE a family.. I have a mom, dad, and sister.. but just because they have those titles doesn't mean we function or feel like a family. It just makes me kinda sad :( ... I feel like part of the reason I hold onto my ED is so I can find someone to love and take care of me.. I guess I feel like I missed out from my own family. I mean don't get me wrong.. my parents def. provide for me.. but lets just say.. if I had to base my idea of a functioning couple on my parents, I would never know what one looks like. Blah I guess I should save this for another post!!.. too much downer in one bloggyyyyy!!! :P haha

The dairy subject.. so I read this book called "Skinny Bitch"... I know.. totally a smart idea right??? We'll its basically a book that just talks about food.. reasons to eat and not eat certain things.. blah blah blah. I don't know why I torture myself with things like this. The only person I should listen to about what to eat is my N, but do I accept that.. NO.. I must go and search EVERY possible way to be told how to eat. Its silly. Basically, my new food aversion is dairy. WHY??? um, I DON'T KNOW, ED HAS JUST DECIDED TO BE RESTRICTIVE AND STUPID!! Its sooo dumb, I mean their is nothing wrong with dairy.. right?? oy, I don't even know.. so many conflicting views. I'm a veg. not vegan.. so I shouldn't deprive myself of a food group.. unless that actually is something that I shouldn't eat??? GOSH i'm so confused.

Hmmm....this post was a bit of a downer.. and ALLLLL over the place.. sorry!!!... but what can I say, I have ADD :P

HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!! Keep truckin my little engines that could!! or should I say CAN!! :D

-A <3


  1. Throw the clothes that shouldn't fit away. Just do it quickly and without thinking.

    And leave the book at home. Seriously. It's far to depressing for the trip of your dreams.

  2. First, :D, Omg, you are so incredibly lucky you get to go to PARIS!!!!!gah, I am oober excited for you! And ya, food stuff could be hard, but I have been to China twice, two weeks each time, and yoou know what??? That voice was definetly there, but I did enjoy myself!! Everyday my sis and I would run across the street to the 7 Eleven and I would buy an icecream!! No, I'm not saying pig out, but feel free to enjoy yourself!! Don't try to count calories, just be free! Its super hard, there were some nights when I went to bed feeling like I had had way too much, but in the end when I returned home I hadnt gained any weight, actually at the beginning of the trip I had lost weight!! SO DONT WORRY! Besides, considering it is Paris, I bet you will be doing a lot of walking!! :)
    Second, :(, I am with you on the whole family thing...Gosh, the two of us should just move into some amazing family together...I always feel like crying when I see my friends, particularly my 2 close friends, with their family. Its heartbreaking to see what they have, but what i dont have but really NEED, more than anything. :( I will pray for you, that even if things dont ever exactly work out that you will still be able to move on with life and find the love and nurturing you need. Well, this was a long comment!! Have a fantastic trip, I cant wait to see pictures! :D

  3. Wow! Paris! That will be an awesome trip, I too would be scared about eating out of my comfort zone...ED could potentially make things hazardous, but it does not have to ruin what will no doubt be a fabulous experience. Focus on the positives and try to take the food part as it comes - you can only do your best after all.

    Say hello to the Eiffel tower for me ;)

    Sarah x

  4. omg we're twins -- i just read skinny bitch too! haha. good luck on your trip my dear :] you will have an amazing, health-filled time!! :] take care sweets and don't let ED ruin this for you

  5. French women are thin. The portions are usually small and rich but over all the calories are not like american resturants. Don't let ED stress you. Try to order healthy but enjoy the yummy French food. I mean.... how often do you go to PAris??

  6. hey lovie,
    i already told you i am super jelous that you are going to paris! ahh you will Love it! omg! i went a few years ago, and it was amazing, although i totally understand the conflict, eating out is always hard and especially while on vacation in a diff. country that is a challenge. when i was there i was doing pretty well with my ED yet i struggled a lot but my dad speaks french fluently, so that was a huge plus so he could help translate menus and help me order and i speak a bit but not that well at all lol...any way...you will be fine love just enjoy your amaze trip and leave your meany ed home locked in your closet ;P k? ;) love you and i know you will have the best time, i suggest lol go to the luxembourg gardens SO gorg ;) and also collette for shopping is AMAZING! :) idk where they are i just remember that store! any hoo take care and do your best with the food and enjoy ur trip in all aspects, the food, your family, shopping(!) the museums...just take in everything(take lots of pics)teehee ;) and dont let that ed of yours join in, or i will have to come and beat your ed up lol ;)

    love you babe

  7. Have fun in Paris!!!! That is so awesome :) promise to enjoy yourself no ED ok? I know you will do great!!

    About the dairy, I wouldn't let ED tell you not to eat it. It is so healthy with the calcium, vitamins, carbs, protein, healthy fat, etc. You shouldn't give that up :]

    <3 Scott