Well D day has finally arrived.. or shall I say P day.. for PARIS!!!
I'm really excited.. but of course extremely nervous.... I have a very hard time eating out at restaurants, and now add that to a foreign place in a different language??? um.. yikes. Yikes times 100000. UBER YIKES!!.. ok you get the point, i'm scared. However, as scared as I am.. i've wanted to see Paris for as long as I can remember, and I WILL NOT let ED rob me of this opportunity. HEAR THAT ED??? BACK THE EFF OFF!!! Thinking about it.. I can't believe I was actually considering having my family go on the trip of my dreams with out me, just because I didn't want to leave my work out routine and safe foods.. HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!... i'm also kinda afraid of planes.. haha.
Alright, heres my outfit for today.. I didn't really wear anything but work out clothes the other days this week... so yeah, no pics of those :P
Lots of layers... black leggings, black sandals, black tunic, striped tunic, black UO skirt, and a black Jcrew cardi... my necklace looks like a ball of electricity!! haha so cool :P
I gotta say i'm in a bit of a tizzy right now because I strayed from my usual safe foods in order to help me prepare for the out of control feelings i'm about to experience in Paris... when I can't plan out my meals.. times, foods, cals I feel a TOTAL lack of control, and its so scary. SO, yeah, I figured, why not start today so it will be less of a shock in Paris.. but.. eh :/ totally feeling guilty, greedy, glutenous, grimey, gooey, lots of g words... and many other letters in the alphabet... haha. Oh well!!! tomorrow is a new day, a PAriS day.. time to give myself a one week ED free pass.. TIME TO ENJOY LIFE FOR A WHILE!!
Hmm.. well I started reading Wasted.. but i'm debating whether I should bring it with me or not. Leave it at home?? with all other ED memorabilia? Or finish reading it..?? I think I may leave it.. because although its hard for me to put it down.. its just not something that should be on my mind... right?? yeah.. haha
A few more topics I want to touch on before I end this post...
1. clothing.. oh how I could write a novel on this subject
2. family... oh how you would HATE reading a novel on this subject
3. dairy... oh.. just oh.
so, clothing.. I'm really struggling with CLOTHES. I've had the same clothes for years.. which I think semi keeps me in my ED because every time they start to actually fit me with out being too big, I feel like I need to lose weight. Well.. its that time again. Warmer weather is approaching, and so I decided to try on my old shorts and what not.. ugh :( they fit. I'm not gonna say the size, because no matter what it is, the fact that these clothes fit me makes me feel huge.. I never thought I would ever actually FIT into my clothes. What do you guys do with your old clothes?? I feel guilty getting rid of them because they "fit", and I LIKE them.. but they trigger me.. so get rid of them??? Or deal with the emotions?? both I guess.. blah, I guess i'll try to put this out of my mind for now.. its not shorts weather yet anyway!!!..
Family... alright.. w/ out getting into details.. I have family issues. haha. But don't we all???? :P... anywhoooo, I kinda wanted to know if I was the only person that does this. Well, I pretty much melt when I see a happy family.. the standard mom, dad, child playing together.. laughing.. ugh so precious. Any show, movie, family in the park.. pretty much brings tears to my eyes. I guess I just really wish I had that. I mean I do HAVE a family.. I have a mom, dad, and sister.. but just because they have those titles doesn't mean we function or feel like a family. It just makes me kinda sad :( ... I feel like part of the reason I hold onto my ED is so I can find someone to love and take care of me.. I guess I feel like I missed out from my own family. I mean don't get me wrong.. my parents def. provide for me.. but lets just say.. if I had to base my idea of a functioning couple on my parents, I would never know what one looks like. Blah I guess I should save this for another post!!.. too much downer in one bloggyyyyy!!! :P haha
The dairy subject.. so I read this book called "Skinny Bitch"... I know.. totally a smart idea right??? We'll its basically a book that just talks about food.. reasons to eat and not eat certain things.. blah blah blah. I don't know why I torture myself with things like this. The only person I should listen to about what to eat is my N, but do I accept that.. NO.. I must go and search EVERY possible way to be told how to eat. Its silly. Basically, my new food aversion is dairy. WHY??? um, I DON'T KNOW, ED HAS JUST DECIDED TO BE RESTRICTIVE AND STUPID!! Its sooo dumb, I mean their is nothing wrong with dairy.. right?? oy, I don't even know.. so many conflicting views. I'm a veg. not vegan.. so I shouldn't deprive myself of a food group.. unless that actually is something that I shouldn't eat??? GOSH i'm so confused.
Hmmm....this post was a bit of a downer.. and ALLLLL over the place.. sorry!!!... but what can I say, I have ADD :P
HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!! Keep truckin my little engines that could!! or should I say CAN!! :D