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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mini fashion show? and banana updates :P

Good morning lovies! its like 12 something am right now.. i'm going to bed in like an hour or so.. grrr, stupid caffeine.

I'mma start with todays outfit.. lots of outfits in this post from all week.. so i'll try to spread them out a bit :P... i'm kinda self conscious about putting this many pics up at a time.. usually they are more spread out in dif posts.. It makes me feel like i'm being conceded and judged.. but I do it for the outfits.. I love reading other peoples blogs when they post outfits.. so hopefully people feel the same way about mine.. and don't judge me for it.

leggings, short cowboy boots (not pictured), maroon sports bra :P, long free people tank, black OU skirt, j crew sweater

ALSO.... BANANA UPDATE!! DUDE, GUESS WHAT!?!?!?! I HAVE HAD TWO BANANAS EVERY DAY SINCE SUNDAY!! ( one at breakfast, and one at my night snack) I'm not afraid of them anymore!! you have noooo idea how amazing it feels to conquer a fear that you've had for years and have it become a staple in your day! ( or maybe you do.. in which case.. YOU ROCK!!)
I also tried to challenge other foods.. but that was much less successful.. but hey, ya win some ya lose some :P

On a more serious note.. I've been struggling a bit.. and I have NO IDEA why! I feel ok.. I mean body image is horrible, but i'm trying to ignore it and go on with my day... idk man.. idk whats going on. I'm just not hungry, and when I eat, I get supper full.. so I haven't really been completing my meal plan... I mean i'm only a couple hundred off.. or more.. eh.. I don't even know if I should say that on my blog.. IM SO CONFUSED. Its weird because I don't feel like i'm restricting.. its just happening. I also haven't been feeling well.. really drained and headachy.. idk if thats because of my meal plan, or dehydration? I don't drink much.. but who has time?? I mean i'm to full at meals to drink anything, and then when i'm not eating, i'm doing something.. how do you guys manage to get hydrated??

heres a couple more outfits from the week.. and then i'll move on to today's break down.. oh yes, thats right, you read that correctly.... this is a fun one.

Leggings, cowboy boots ( I wear them a lot) stripped dolman sleeve cardi, black long tank.

Dark green oversized UO sweater, black leggings, J crew rain boots with little yellow umbrellas!!... it was raining that day :)

Alright, thats enough pics of me for today!! haha.

Now on to today.. ugh. Ok. so their are lots of things that I tried this week that were fear foods.. a cookie.. white bread.. pasta..but today really put me over the edge. So, I take a basic foods and nutrition class in school.. ( great fit for me right?? because I totally don't think about food enough, I need to be in a class that talks about food and nutrition facts! PSH!).. and EVERY TIME we have a cooking lab.. I make up some excuse as to why I can't eat our food, or I don't show up. AND IM SICK OF IT!! Its embarrassing! My latest excuse is i'm lactose intolerant.. hmmm creative no? WELL, today I was like NO MORE!! IM DOING THIS, AND HAVING SOME FOOD THAT I COOK!!... and LUCKY ME, I chose to do this when we were making past and broccoli... which is fine.. like.. I can deal with that.. but heres the twist.. the broccoli was sauteed in 2 tbsp oil and 1 tbsp butter.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? A LARD BATH??? LIKE... WHAT???? Whats even worse then that was that I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS IN THEIR! so when I found out, (which was OF COURSE AFTER I ATE IT)... words can not describe how I felt. Firstly, I would just like to say, I DO NOT CRY. On VERY rare occasion do I cry, and the few times I have, its been with my nutritionist.. lol. Its so strange what can bring me to tears.. self harm doesn't make me cry.. but hey, make me eat a cookie and let the water works begin! Its kinda redic.. but today I felt soooo out of control, hurt, scared, anxious, guilty.. I felt like I should be punished for eating that. I tried to rationalize it by saying it wasn't a large portion... 5 pieces of plain (WHITE) rigatoni, 5 pieces of broccoli ( in this fucking fat bath)... but no such luck.. ugh.. it just haunted me and totally ruined my day. OR SO I THOUGHT!!... I mean it did ruin my day, but I still met one of my cal goals.. not my real one.. but the one my N said I absolutely HAD to meet, if not the one I SHOULD meet. All day I felt like I shouldn't be allowed to eat for what I had done.. but I want to move forward, and I want to recover... so as upset as I was, I still had to do what was right. I hate how unbelievably guilty I felt.. like I literally felt like I had just run over my cat or something.. as if something horrible had happened. :'( .... needless to say I ran the 4 miles to work... crying because I was so tiered and upset with myself.. proceeded to have a panic attack ( fun stuff right theirrrrrr)... and then calmed down and made myself look normal all before walking through the doors of the gym. Lemme tell ya, i'm a pro at looking like nothing is wrong. I then cried three different times that night.. all of which no one saw, no one new.. and its not like I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling.. I mean lets be serious.. the convo would go like this..
person- "whats wrong??"
me-" I had 5 pieces of white pasta, and broccoli in a fat bath!"
person- "..........."
YEAH. sucks that no one gets how this feels... the torment that food can cause. Its insane.
Well.. tomorrows a new day! and i'm ready to attack it head on and do a great job! Their is no school tomorrow, so I have a personal training appointment, an N appointment, and i'm going to MFG, so tomorrow should be a really good day :)... i'm determined.

Have a FANTASTIC FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!! Hope this post wasn't too much of a downer!!
-A <3


  1. I question my mom about her veggies... she loves to sautee in oil but she hasnt since I have been home because she knows it stresses me out!! But I HATE that so much.. seems pointless to ruin a veggie with tasteless oil... I'd rather eat the veggie AND be able to eat peanut butter if I need some fat. lol. But I would flip too so I completely understand. however... you needed the calories, it will not make you fat or gain weight. You will be fine. And please try to up your calories to the place they should be. You will think clearer if you are nourished

  2. Love all the fashion photos - especially the J Crew rainboots and the Free people cardigan!!!!! I know it can be very stressful trying to increase your meal plan but look how you challenged yourself and ate 2 bananas every day!!! Good for you - bananas are awesome - so good for you and taste wonderful!!!! Keep up the great work - hope your day goes well today and enjoy the weather!!!!!!! xo aimee

  3. o my gosh, I feel that same way a lot!!! But DO NOT not meet your meal plan! Trust me, thats how I relapsed the first time. Dont let the lies of ED suck you back in!! And I dont let anyone see me cry either, I never hardly even let myself cry at all. I think we are alike in a lot of ways! Just dont give in to the lies, and dont be afraid to cry, altho it sounds hypocritical for me to say that. Crying really CAN help you release some emotions. You are in my prayers, you will be alright! <3 xoxox

  4. andrea your so flipping beautiful. i can totally relate with the butter/oil thing. I flip out when my dad does that. its just... WHY?

    keep trucking andrea! oh, and i mentioned you in my blog today.

    best wishes and i miss youuu