About Me

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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Marvelous Monday?... id rather it be Fantastic Friday

Good morning my little flower blossoms! :P

I hope you all had an amazing weekend! The weather was beautifulllllllllllllll!! So sunny and warm!... However, it is now rainy and dark... boooo!

Currently, i'm sitting in my bed avoiding life.. YAY ME! Would you like an explanation??.. OK! but FIRST, an outfit from the first day of spring!.. not gonna lie, I almost didn't put these pics up because I felt like I look a bit larger then normal.. the lighting was making my face look huge and blah blah blah, but I convinced myself to shut it and post them because I know i'm the same weight, and its not like it matters to you all anyway!! :P

Black UO skirt, black BEBE cut off leggings with lace at the bottom, black booties :P haha, black sports bra, gray ruffled tank, and ready for this... light PINK CARDI! As you can tell.. I like black and usually wear that or dark colors, but in honor of spring, I decided to throw in a pretty pastel pink!! It is my fav. color after all :D

Alright, back to my explanation. So.. last week, as you know, I was struggling a bit with meeting my cal goals.. and ended up having to lower them so that I wouldn't be so off. The plan is to up them again, never fear, probably this week.. but anywayyyyyy.. so yeah, struggling with meeting cals and putting meals together, so what I ended up doing was finding one day that all the meals and everything worked and repeating it all week! Haha, thats right, I ate the SAME exact thing all week up until about yesterday when I ran out of the food.. :P I know that is a bit odd and eating disordered..but hey, you gotta do what ever works for you right?! Well I guess running out of the foods I was eating sent me into a bit of a panic, because obviously I thought I had a copious endless supply of food that would never run out, and I would be merry and happy with my little same day meal plan for the rest of my life. La la land was my current residence, FYI. So, when I was pushed off my cloud in La la land, I realized.. "erm.. so maybe I should actually start to think about food again...? after all.. I still have to eat even if I ran out of what I WAS eating.... its not like all the grocery stores were taken off the face of the earth." Needless to say, thinking about food= obsessing about food= me hiding in my room, avoiding waking up and going to school so I can put of eating as long as possible! FUN STUFF RIGHT THERRRRR! So now here I am... strait up chillin.. hating that I've now missed YET ANOTHER day of school for some stupid ED anxiety that no one will understand. ( well.. unless you have an ED) I am, of course going to eat today.. just trying to put it off a bit longer.. stupid I know, but.. eh, thats my life for ya. Alright.. enough of that. Here are a couple other outfits from this past week/ weekend.

Plaid yellow shirt with blue plaid stripes and black velour juicy pants with braidssssss.. it was a pretty chill day.. haha :P

Favorite Navy double breasted RL sweater, cream UO short sleve shirt, black tights, Lucky Brand necklace, plaid grey and black knee high socks, and chocolate short Uggs... Theirs a lot to this outfit!! haha

Recently, i've really been struggling with my motivation.. I'm having a hard time telling myself that its ok that i'm trying to recover alone, because it will be worth it in the end.. but.. idk.. :/ I mean.. I've lost pretty much all of my friends though having this disorder.. I've isolated to the point that I just don't even talk to people anymore.. which is ironic because all I ever want to do is be with someone who cares about me.. and I spend my time pushing those people away. Honestly, the only support at home I get is from my Nutritionist... she talks to me all the time, trys to keep me on track, takes me food shopping... its pretty crazy how much she does for me and i'm sure that has 100% worn on here over this past year.. so its only a matter of time before shes out of my life as well. I'm a pusher. (mean girls reference :P) but seriously, I am. I push and push people away until i'm completely alone, and then complain about it. Don't I sound like a joy?!?! haha. Blah.. it just kinda sucks, ya know? I DO want to recover.. but its pretty hard to fight with myself and ED all the time and not have anyone to back up the rational side. I almost feel like its easier for me to have friends when im not fighting ED. Lets face it, when you are trying to fight a voice in your head that is stronger then your conscious, you act pretty annoying.. but when you let that voice take over and just go through out your day.. everything seems peachy keen. Thats why eating disorders can go undetected for so long.. people seem normal, seem happy.. they are just losing weight and what not. Only when people start to fight their ED does it really come through how screwed up they are. Now of course, i'm just venting and ranting irrational thoughts right now, and in no way shape or form am I telling people to stop fighting their EDs.. and if thats what your thinking.. STOP!!! haha. Because really, I may be thinking this stuff.. but you know what i'm ignoring..? LIFE. Yes, it may be easier to give into ED and pretend around your friends, but what kind of life is that?? Guarantee its better to fight ED and be a little lonely for a while but ALIVE, then give into ED and be fake happy with people only to DIE. YES, I may be having a hard time fighting ED alone, YES, its hard for me to push myself and eat that scary food or complete my meal plan with out constant encouragement.. but it will make me a stronger, better person in the end. PERSISTENCE BABY! And I do have my amazing friends from treatment and this blog who are wonderfully supportive, and I thank you all for that soooo much, because with out you I would be so lost!

Alright.. rant over.. the rational side of my brain is slowly waking up.. GOOD MORNING BRAIN! ( well.. good afternoon).. time eat brunch, shower, and catch the last hour of school.. (shhhh at least its something!)

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember, no matter how low or lonely you feel.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!

-A <3


  1. love it!! I agree completely completely with that last big paragraph. All I have ever done is push people away and now its like I am realizing how bad that is, how much having people has to do with recovery, and how much I have screwed up but I know that there are other people struggling with the same things, and I WILL make it. Perseverance is right! Btw, you seem to be a very likable person, so even if you cant ever make things right with your old friends, there are plenty more people out there, just YOU need to seek for them! Love you!

  2. People are so important, but in finding the right ones to take with you, you will sometimes have to leave some behind...I'm slowly starting to realise that some of my old friends may belong in my past, which feels sad in a way, but necessary for me to move forwards...thanks for your lovely comments, beautiful lady ;)

    Sarah x

  3. Everything you said in this post i can totally relate too - our Ed totally robs us from our important relationships - it can be so isolating!!! The important thing is that we realize this and it can be a huge motivating factor for us to get better!!! I know how hard you are trying - keep up the motivation!!!
    love all of your fashion photos!!
    Hope u have a great rest of the day - lol aimee

  4. I totally agree with how ED makes you feel like crap when you are trying to kill him. Obviously. I have never been so low than I was the first 3 weeks of recovery. Not even in my worst most painful time. It was so weird and through me off. But once hes dead we will be free and happy :) And ps you look teeny. Not larger one bit. And to ED: stop being stupid.

  5. love you so much baby <3 i can hear how hard you are trying in this post and it makes me happy! stay strong beautiful!!!

  6. hey, thanks for the comment =D

    You are so amazing and you are right, this WILL make you stronger in the end. It IS SO WORTH IT! I can tell that you are such a strong person and I can't wait to read more of your posts!!


  7. just found your blog, and i must say, you are quite beautiful and have such a gorg smile! :)
    sorry you were feeling a bit bad earlier, but no worries, you seem like you're a pretty strong girl from what i've read :)