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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Academy Awards!.. if only life were like a movie.. w/ happy endings

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

I'm sitting here watching the Academy Awards.. that said, this post will most def. take me at least an hour to create. haha. Too many distractions! I often feel like my life is a movie.. it just doesn't feel real sometimes.. does that happen to any of you? Idk.. I mean the way things happen.. I find myself wondering if their are hidden cameras filming me! What if life were like a movie? At least you would know the order in which your life was unfolding. Movies are always set up the same.. they start.. then their is a problem.. climax.. solution.. ending... If you knew what stage of the movie you were in, you would know what was coming next. I suppose that would make life a lot less interesting though. Anywhoo.. haha..I love the Academy Awards.. (or really any red carpet event) because I LOVEEEE looking at all the beautiful gowns all the stars are sporting. Gosh I love clothing.. I could literally shop all day just looking at clothing, thinking of different ways I could create outfits out of unique pieces. Fashion is a wonderful distraction for me. Its something that I like to look at/ think about when i'm home and really having a hard time with ED.. I go online and just "shop".. looking at clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, everythingg.. it really helps get my mind off of everything. I've never actually bought anything online because I don't have a credit card.. but If I did.. STORES, WATCH OUT, GAURD YOUR MERCHANDISE!!! hehehe.. *sigh*.. if only.. :P

A lot has happened since wednesday.. my last post. Some good.. some not so good.. but all necessary to get me back on track and motivated in recovery. Ill start with an outfit I wore...

My staple articles of clothing are a long black shirt, w/ tights or leggings, boots, and some kind of sweater or cardi. *LOVE*.. so you'll see that a lot in my pics :P

Alright.. so back to some things from this week... I'm gona make a top 10 things that happened this week

1. I started training w/ A.. my trainer
2. Challenged lots of Ed fears and freaked out
3. Fought with my N because i'm a pain in the assssss... but then made up because shes awesome :)
4. Started shopping for paris ie. got sneakers to ensure that I look like a tourist and have things thrown at me!.. although my mom says its for comfort.
5. Got a new food journal because I filled up my old one already!
6. Tried chocolate pb for the first time.. WOAH
7. Was tooo self conscious to go to school... :/
8. Went to borders and actually grew the balls to order "Wasted".. the book about anorexia and bulimia
9. Took a day off from exercising
10. Followed my meal plan beautifully :D

... and now on to the explanations.. ready??

1. I was having horrible body image issues thursday.. and couldn't get myself to get out of the house. The only reason I even left was because I started with my trainer A on thursday.. hello triggerrrrrrr!! Not because of her.. but the way my mom was acting really triggered old emotions of when she would totally try to control my life and tell me what to do. Idk.. its hard to explain what happened... my mom was just very... all over me before I even went. Telling me how long to work out before, how fast, then how to tell her to work me out, how much to work out after, and then she was VERRRY pushy about me eating DIRECTLY after finishing my work out so make sure that I build muscle. Ugh I don't even want to really talk about this because you really have to either A) know my mom, B) have been there, or C) have a parent that previously contributed a lot to your eating disorder behaviors. I'm going to train with A again on friday.. so hopefully this one will go better with my mom.. it was nice to have a trainer again though!

(picture from google)

2. After talking with A, she recommended that I chose a day as my "day of rest" and not work out. Thats reallllly hard for me.. If I don't work out everyday I feel sooooo guilty... even if I do work out, but I don't feel its been enough, I feel horrible about myself :/ its pretty much a lose lose kinda thing. However, I decided to give it a go... and I took off friday ( the day after). For some reason, I decided "hey, as long as i'm challenging one ED fear, why not challenge some others???" um.. well heres why that was NOT a good idea.. Challenging multiple fears at one time= MAJOR FREAK OUT. I just got so overwhelmed.. the combination of trying new foods and not working out was too difficult to handle. Luckily I had people to talk to, and they made me feel a lot better.. and the next day I felt better about myself.. (knowing I could work out again helped with that.. haha)

3. Oh gosh, ok, so, I usually NEVER work on Saturdays, and I always work Sundays. I have my work out days very planned out, specific work outs and classes that I am to partake in each day. Saturday is one of my favorite class days.. but I had to cover a shift at work and wasn't able to work out :( On top of that, I had to go food shopping with my N after work.. so basically I was anxious and upset the whole time.. so I went to work out directly after work ended for 1/2 an hour. Well.. my N saw this and was really mad at me for making us go to the store 1/2 an hour later.. she said " Are you serious?? You wanted to go later so you can work out?? Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself??".... that really struck me.. YES, I do think of other people other then myself.. i'm a people pleaser, its what I do. I'm still really hurt from that comment.. I really didn't think that me working out before would be a big deal.. especially since I asked the day before if it was ok if we went later. ugh Idk.. I feel like such a bad person :( I hate conflict.. especially with people I care about. We fought for a little.. then I started crying.. I DON"T CRY. It just so happens, however, that every time I do cry, My nutritionist C always seems to be there. Basically it was not a good saturday.. and i'm still upset from it. We did end up going food shopping.. after an hour long "talk" ( she talked, I starred into space and nodded).. idk. I did feel better after we "made up" and their wasn't any more tension.. but it was still hard to be in the grocery store and get food. The whole time I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.. that i'm a selfish awful person who drags everyone down. :/ not the best feelings.. ugh even writing this now makes me upset. Shes the one person that I feel really has given me that push I needed in recovery.. and i'm always so scared that one day she'll just give up on me.. or start to hate me. I care so much about her, and i'm sooo grateful for everything shes done for me. Something she suggested yesterday was that I quit my job at the Gym and find a different one to make new friends. I've been thinking about this a lot.. but I really feel like, for once, I want something stable in my life... and thats what this job is to me. These people are really my only good friends, and the classes I take are the only things I have in life that i'm enjoying right now.. I just don't feel like stopping all of that could possibly be helpful.. but I may look for either another job, or some type of hobby class thing.. like photography or something.

(picture from google)

4. (i'm going to add the rest of my top ten topics in this one :D... I'm going to Paris over spring break.. I'M SO EXCITED OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I started getting some things I need.. sneakers, journal, little things.. I still need to get a new camera though!! I'm a little nervous for the food in paris.. not being able to read food labels and such.. but its only a week, I think I can handle it!! :P Oh, and I got this choc. pb today and had it on a couple strawberries.. YUM. I even tried it on a cucumber.. not so yum.. lol, but interesting none the less! I've been working really hard on making my meals very balanced and meeting lots of food groups.. but body image keeps slapping me in the face!!! Its so frustrating that you can do everything you need to.. and feel soo awful about yourself after. ED hates my body.. and makes a point at telling me that 24/7. it sucks :'( ....
*ED, can you please let me love myself now???*

random pic from the other day.. :P
....I snuck up on my kitty and took a pic w/ her while she was curled up asleep on my bed. (on a side note.. she only has 3 legs!!! she was hit by a car a few months ago and they had to amputate it :( )

Alright bloggets, thats all I can talk about for now.. I hope you all had an amazing weekend!!!! Remember.. Life is soo special and unique.. try to challenge yourself with something every day.. for thats how one grows and can ultimately find happiness! Life= happiness!! .... I often feel so guilty for having an ED when their are people starving all over the world.. and they have no say in the matter. It really makes me appreciate life.. but saddens me because in the same though.. i'm thinking how fat my thighs are.. *sigh* One day, i'll snap out of this haze and find the strength to fight off ED once and for all!! Because only then can I truly ever help anyone else... and I want to fix the world!!
Have a great night/ day/ week/ MOMENT bloggers... smile at yourselves.. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!
-A <3


  1. What a great post on so many different things!!!! So proud of you for the 10 things you did this week - awesome that you challenged yourself!!!
    I love leggings and tights!!!!!
    That's great that you are going to Paris - ive never been but would love to go!!!! I think having something to look forward to is key for recovery!!!!! Have a great Monday - lol aimee

  2. Taking a day off is so good for your body. I have taken 1 day off for as long as I can remember and dont feel bad about it at all. Good for you!

  3. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog :) I LOVE yours! and Im super jealous you are going to paris for spring break. Paris like my version of heaven.
    Enjoy girly!


  4. yay for trying new things! and we can start talking again baby -- just message me whenever :]
    i'm starting to think working out as much as you do isn't healthy. its obvious that ED is making you do it and you aren't doing it for the right reasons. maybe talk to your therapist about it? idk.
    i'm sorry you had some rough patches but you did do a lot of great things too so be proud!
    love you

  5. I´m sorry you´ve been struggling a bit lately! Maybe try taking baby steps - I can imagine how overwhelming it must have been facing too many challenges at a time.

    BTW I have a trip to Paris planned for May! Too funny, I feel like we have a lot in common ;) I´m so excited as I haven´t been to Paris for almost ten years now

    Have a lovely day, hun!

    xoxo Mel

  6. Wasted is such a great book. I of course have it on my ipod too hehe. I'm trying to get my bf to read it so he understands more.

    I think your N reacted badly to you pushing your shopping time back a smidge. If she was trying to get you to see that your ED gets in the way of life activities [bc we all know everything can't be pushed back] she shouldn't be doing it by trying to guilt trip you. I'm in group therapy at school and one of the therapists [a guy actually, and i don't think i'm so comfortable with him. maybe for many reasons] always makes me feel guilty that i don't share enough about myself. it's fucking hard. my anxiety is just so high. idk something about it being in a group setting? i hate being the center of attention. i can talk to people about my problems but i just don't feel like i deserve the attention on me i guess? and i've been working on it... but he still always makes me want to cry and never come back. and idk if he's noticed but that hasn't helped, if anything it makes me even more self conscious. of course i can never tell him this. but we shouldn't feel guilty for problems we are trying to work on. and these professional people shouldn't be making us feel this way.

    so jealous about paris btw. i was there my senior year of hs and haven't gone anywhere since ha. me and my friends got lost and of course we all took spanish [i had actually more recently taken latin!] but somehow we used spanish to get us back to our hotel. we didn't just go to paris though, we were like all over that part of europe. i still regret restricting while i was there. there were so many great meals and little stands that i wouldn't even touch. i mean, i hadn't even contemplated recovery or thought that i needed recovering of any kind. and i just really wish i could have just for 10 days let myself be even semi normal so i could have tried exotic foods instead of the stuff i was used to. it's going to be hard but you CAN do it. and you'll feel so proud and just in general excited every time you think back to this trip. <3 Kristen