Hello my beautiful bloggers!
I'm sitting here watching the Academy Awards.. that said, this post will most def. take me at least an hour to create. haha. Too many distractions! I often feel like my life is a movie.. it just doesn't feel real sometimes.. does that happen to any of you? Idk.. I mean the way things happen.. I find myself wondering if their are hidden cameras filming me! What if life were like a movie? At least you would know the order in which your life was unfolding. Movies are always set up the same.. they start.. then their is a problem.. climax.. solution.. ending... If you knew what stage of the movie you were in, you would know what was coming next. I suppose that would make life a lot less interesting though. Anywhoo.. haha..I love the Academy Awards.. (or really any red carpet event) because I LOVEEEE looking at all the beautiful gowns all the stars are sporting. Gosh I love clothing.. I could literally shop all day just looking at clothing, thinking of different ways I could create outfits out of unique pieces. Fashion is a wonderful distraction for me. Its something that I like to look at/ think about when i'm home and really having a hard time with ED.. I go online and just "shop".. looking at clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, everythingg.. it really helps get my mind off of everything. I've never actually bought anything online because I don't have a credit card.. but If I did.. STORES, WATCH OUT, GAURD YOUR MERCHANDISE!!! hehehe.. *sigh*.. if only.. :P
A lot has happened since wednesday.. my last post. Some good.. some not so good.. but all necessary to get me back on track and motivated in recovery. Ill start with an outfit I wore...
My staple articles of clothing are a long black shirt, w/ tights or leggings, boots, and some kind of sweater or cardi. *LOVE*.. so you'll see that a lot in my pics :P
Alright.. so back to some things from this week... I'm gona make a top 10 things that happened this week
1. I started training w/ A.. my trainer
2. Challenged lots of Ed fears and freaked out
3. Fought with my N because i'm a pain in the assssss... but then made up because shes awesome :)
4. Started shopping for paris ie. got sneakers to ensure that I look like a tourist and have things thrown at me!.. although my mom says its for comfort.
5. Got a new food journal because I filled up my old one already!
6. Tried chocolate pb for the first time.. WOAH
7. Was tooo self conscious to go to school... :/
8. Went to borders and actually grew the balls to order "Wasted".. the book about anorexia and bulimia
9. Took a day off from exercising
10. Followed my meal plan beautifully :D
... and now on to the explanations.. ready??
1. I was having horrible body image issues thursday.. and couldn't get myself to get out of the house. The only reason I even left was because I started with my trainer A on thursday.. hello triggerrrrrrr!! Not because of her.. but the way my mom was acting really triggered old emotions of when she would totally try to control my life and tell me what to do. Idk.. its hard to explain what happened... my mom was just very... all over me before I even went. Telling me how long to work out before, how fast, then how to tell her to work me out, how much to work out after, and then she was VERRRY pushy about me eating DIRECTLY after finishing my work out so make sure that I build muscle. Ugh I don't even want to really talk about this because you really have to either A) know my mom, B) have been there, or C) have a parent that previously contributed a lot to your eating disorder behaviors. I'm going to train with A again on friday.. so hopefully this one will go better with my mom.. it was nice to have a trainer again though!
(picture from google)
2. After talking with A, she recommended that I chose a day as my "day of rest" and not work out. Thats reallllly hard for me.. If I don't work out everyday I feel sooooo guilty... even if I do work out, but I don't feel its been enough, I feel horrible about myself :/ its pretty much a lose lose kinda thing. However, I decided to give it a go... and I took off friday ( the day after). For some reason, I decided "hey, as long as i'm challenging one ED fear, why not challenge some others???" um.. well heres why that was NOT a good idea.. Challenging multiple fears at one time= MAJOR FREAK OUT. I just got so overwhelmed.. the combination of trying new foods and not working out was too difficult to handle. Luckily I had people to talk to, and they made me feel a lot better.. and the next day I felt better about myself.. (knowing I could work out again helped with that.. haha)
3. Oh gosh, ok, so, I usually NEVER work on Saturdays, and I always work Sundays. I have my work out days very planned out, specific work outs and classes that I am to partake in each day. Saturday is one of my favorite class days.. but I had to cover a shift at work and wasn't able to work out :( On top of that, I had to go food shopping with my N after work.. so basically I was anxious and upset the whole time.. so I went to work out directly after work ended for 1/2 an hour. Well.. my N saw this and was really mad at me for making us go to the store 1/2 an hour later.. she said " Are you serious?? You wanted to go later so you can work out?? Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself??".... that really struck me.. YES, I do think of other people other then myself.. i'm a people pleaser, its what I do. I'm still really hurt from that comment.. I really didn't think that me working out before would be a big deal.. especially since I asked the day before if it was ok if we went later. ugh Idk.. I feel like such a bad person :( I hate conflict.. especially with people I care about. We fought for a little.. then I started crying.. I DON"T CRY. It just so happens, however, that every time I do cry, My nutritionist C always seems to be there. Basically it was not a good saturday.. and i'm still upset from it. We did end up going food shopping.. after an hour long "talk" ( she talked, I starred into space and nodded).. idk. I did feel better after we "made up" and their wasn't any more tension.. but it was still hard to be in the grocery store and get food. The whole time I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.. that i'm a selfish awful person who drags everyone down. :/ not the best feelings.. ugh even writing this now makes me upset. Shes the one person that I feel really has given me that push I needed in recovery.. and i'm always so scared that one day she'll just give up on me.. or start to hate me. I care so much about her, and i'm sooo grateful for everything shes done for me. Something she suggested yesterday was that I quit my job at the Gym and find a different one to make new friends. I've been thinking about this a lot.. but I really feel like, for once, I want something stable in my life... and thats what this job is to me. These people are really my only good friends, and the classes I take are the only things I have in life that i'm enjoying right now.. I just don't feel like stopping all of that could possibly be helpful.. but I may look for either another job, or some type of hobby class thing.. like photography or something.
(picture from google)
4. (i'm going to add the rest of my top ten topics in this one :D... I'm going to Paris over spring break.. I'M SO EXCITED OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I started getting some things I need.. sneakers, journal, little things.. I still need to get a new camera though!! I'm a little nervous for the food in paris.. not being able to read food labels and such.. but its only a week, I think I can handle it!! :P Oh, and I got this choc. pb today and had it on a couple strawberries.. YUM. I even tried it on a cucumber.. not so yum.. lol, but interesting none the less! I've been working really hard on making my meals very balanced and meeting lots of food groups.. but body image keeps slapping me in the face!!! Its so frustrating that you can do everything you need to.. and feel soo awful about yourself after. ED hates my body.. and makes a point at telling me that 24/7. it sucks :'( ....
*ED, can you please let me love myself now???*
random pic from the other day.. :P
....I snuck up on my kitty and took a pic w/ her while she was curled up asleep on my bed. (on a side note.. she only has 3 legs!!! she was hit by a car a few months ago and they had to amputate it :( )
Alright bloggets, thats all I can talk about for now.. I hope you all had an amazing weekend!!!! Remember.. Life is soo special and unique.. try to challenge yourself with something every day.. for thats how one grows and can ultimately find happiness! Life= happiness!! .... I often feel so guilty for having an ED when their are people starving all over the world.. and they have no say in the matter. It really makes me appreciate life.. but saddens me because in the same though.. i'm thinking how fat my thighs are.. *sigh* One day, i'll snap out of this haze and find the strength to fight off ED once and for all!! Because only then can I truly ever help anyone else... and I want to fix the world!!
Have a great night/ day/ week/ MOMENT bloggers... smile at yourselves.. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!