About Me

My photo
I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

apparently my blog loves you all so much, it writes itself!

Heres a pic I made out of chalk pastels :)

Hey bloggers!! really quick post regarding my last post. Umm.. so, I DIDN'T POST THAT. lol. Idk how my formspring thing ended up being a post on my blog.. but I didn't do that.. I wasn't even on my blog yesterday! eek! WEIRD... haha. Well.. for future reference.. I always start my posts out by saying Hello to you all, and end it will saying goodbye.. so if my post does not encompass that, then I didn't write it! lol.

Gosh ok, anyway.. I guess now that i'm already writing a post, I may as well talk about some things from this week! :P
What a dreary day it is today!! I'm so sad its going to rain until tuesday :( I miss running in the sun already!... hmm, well, lets start with one of my outfits, shall we??

(black opaque tights, black boots, H&M black shirt w/ sequins at the tops of the sleeves, and a dark brown braided belt from AE.)

Top ten things going on seems to be working for me... it really helps me get organized on here.. so i'm just gonna keep doing it!! haha

1. Had to put training with A on hold :(
2. Trying to get my over exercising under control
3. Everyone worried about me in Paris... especially me :/
4. Meal plan struggs.. but then meal plan victories!
5. Food shopping :)... thinking I need to start working on some food rituals.. they are a bit redic...haha
6. Had two whole bananas today!!!!!!! <--- note, this is a big deal. lemme tell ya.
7. Got some more clothes.. shopping problem perhaps???... haha. they were on super sale though! 12.00 for a really cute cardi!... pictures will come later in the week :)
8. Saw Alice in wonderland!
9. Babysitting tonight.. money for shopping in Paris?? YELL YES!! :P
10.MP increased yesterday.. and totally hit the number!!! HIYA! take that ED!

Alright.. so here goes the explanations
1-3... So my mom is making me put my personal training sessions on hold for a couple reasons.. mostly because she thinks im exercising too much.. ( which I gotta say I did go overboard ONE DAY.. but only that one day..).. and also because she thinks i'm not eating enough and losing weight. Well thats just annoying. I mean.. yes, I was struggling a bit with my meal plan, but I was still eating, and i'm sure i'm not losing. Its just frustrating to find a balance.. I really do love working out and being active.. and I don't love eating.. but i'm willing to do it to live! Sometimes I have trouble with knowing when to stop exercising because I always feel like I need to do more, want to do more, should do more.. its never enough. But recently i've been having weird things happen to me while working out.. so i'm trying to listen to my body a bit more. When I say weird.. I mean like, my arms going completely numb when I try to lift weights (and its not that they are too heavy.. I do them with a trainer so she makes sure im set up properly) or my heart will like skip a beat or just beat in weird ways.. sometimes my ears "pop" and I can't really hear anything.. like I said, strange things mannnn. Idk why that stuff happens.. I understood why it happened when I needed to gain.. but now that I have, I feel like all my problems should work themselves out.. but I guess it doesn't work that way! Oh well.. just another thing to help remind me why I need to keep going and pushing towards recovery! My N and mom are both worried about me for when I go to Paris.. and I gotta say.. i'm worried too!! It sucks saying that because its some place i've wanted to go forever, but at the same time.. leaving my comfort zone and being in a different place makes me almost just want to stay home :( I'm pretty stuck w/ my food choices I guess.. and thats why people are concerned. I have very specific foods that i'm ok w/ eating.. so my meal plan is pretty much the same kinda foods all the time.. but how is that going to work in Paris?? What am I going to eat?? I'm terrified of going out to eat there because not only do I have to eat in restaurants, but its going to be with food i'm unfamiliar with.. and what if they don't understand my order because i'm not good at speaking french.. and instead of putting no butter on my food, they think I say extra butter!! AHHH!!!!!! lol, a bit dramatic, but really, I am scared. Plus the whole aspect of not working out for 10 days is freaking me out.

Alright, lets take a quick break from ED fear land and look at a pretty picture of a flower I took with my phone.. the quality is pretty bad :/.. but the pink and yellow is sooo pretty together!! haha.. sometimes you just need to stop and regroup when ED thoughts start to get to you.

K, now that we've all taken a nice breath.. and if you didn't, do it now! lol... here are some ED victories of the week!
4-6. So the beginning of this week I was having trouble reaching my goal.. and with out even realizing it.. my goal had slipped lower and lower as the week went on. idk what happened.. my ultimate goal was initially (this is about to make no sense since im not using numbers.. lol) #,###.. but then it was ### less.. and then ### less then that. It was a mess.. but, since I wasn't doing it consciously, when it was brought to my attention, I was ready to get back on board and fix it... although I was scared because I just felt so comfortable with the amount I was eating.. I didn't feel I was restricting and I felt it was the perfect amount for me.. but I know that it wasn't ok with how much working out I want to do. So now my goal is back at #,### as of yesterday.. and I totally smacked that sucker out! I even went ## over!.. which may result in me being that much under today.. (sorry, I'm pretty awesome, but not that awesome.. HA jk) wait ok, side note. So since I wasn't expecting to post, I was eating my lunch, and then went on and saw the last post and yada yada yada... and im still trying to finish my lunch, an hour and 45 mins later! lol, so I really do need to wrap this post up! I suppose I'll talk about the rest of the things on my list in another post, but I do want to say that.. fear of bananas= OBLITERATED! HA! TAKE THAT ED!!! yes.. thats right folks, I am no longer afraid of bananas! lol. We still aren't on the best terms.. but.. guess who had two bananas with nut butter today (at dif meals) MEEEEEEE!!! haha. alright, i'll keep my little victory dance to my self.. but I am very proud of myself. Next thing to conquer.. FOOD RITUALS. mmmm... this will be a supper fun topic to start of my next post! :P Off to finish lunch.. and well apparently a snack too since its that time!.. then babysitting in a few hours.. TOOTLES!!

Have a great saturday ladies!! Stay dry if its raining where you are.. Take advantage of being stuck inside to do some art work, or journal!...and if not, enjoy the weather!!!

-A <3


  1. Hi there - what a beautiful pastel picture - love it - you really are talented!!!!!! Good for you and the bananas - remember bananas are great for happy moods!!!!!!!!! Hope u have a great Saturday!!! lol aimee

  2. Hi!! You are so much like me in lots of ways! Like I love to do physical things, but i dont like to eat!! I know I have to tho, to keep my weight up because I am being active whenever i can be. And I agree 100% that working out, then taking a shower and getting into comfy clothes is the best. I also love doing art, that pastel picture is really good. I'm glad you did some ED butt kicking! ;)

  3. Eternal Love
    Grab hold of the utmost love,
    gaze upon its eternity.
    Passionate images enclose you in a dream.
    Choosing illusion over reality.
    Dreams over life.
    Pleasure over freedom.
    Your desires take hold where you're sheltered.
    Only to get a glimpse of a healing wish.
    Leaving unheard echoes behind.
    Waiting for the miracle that will embrace your soul.
    You're touched by the unblemished angel.
    Your ambitious heart is betrayed, lost and wretched.
    Invisible to the eye,
    controlling over your mind,
    Precious memories will stay at ease.
    Intertwined into a collapsed promise.
    Only to remember your unconditional determination.
    So the fragile body has warmth.


  4. Can I just say you are drop dead gorgeous. I wish ED didn't get ya cause you have nothing to worry about girl. And banana are the best. I refuse to be afraid of such a healthy food so go YOU.

  5. Your art is lovely. Your sense of style is killer. :) You look very thin in those photos, but I'm so glad to read you're on the recovery path. You have a lot of spirit and it's obvious! Enjoying your blog. :)