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I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

No picture post because.. i'm in school!! WOOO!! are pigs flying?? :P

HEYYYYYYYY everyone!! Thanks for your input on the last post.. some people fbook messaged me as well, and I really appreciate those of you who took the time to tell me your thoughts on my idea of writing a book! :)

Its something I def will pursue.. but, thinking more about it, I don't think its a realistic thing for me to try to accomplish at this time. Maybe its something I can start.. work on it a little here and there.. but as for a recovery book, I guess I really should be a bit further in that process before I can write about it!

Well.. I really haven't given a real update since getting back from Paris.. and I still have to post some of the pics I took there!! Next post.. promise. haha.

Right now, I'm happy to report that I'm currently IN SCHOOL!!! HOLLAAAAAAAAA!!! :D haha
After my long ass, stressful week of not going to school last week, I'm trying to get my sh*t together because I need to graduate!! (yes I missed the entire week last week. Some reasons are as follows..
1. sleep later because i've been going to bed at redic times.. 3, 4, 5am.
2. wake up later because I HATE eating at 6am, but I have to eat right when I wake up.. which is 6am, and I HAVE to eat before I go to school.. its so hard to eat a real breakfast that early! and the only way I have a real shot at meeting my cal goals is having a larger breakfast.
3. couldn't find anything to wear.. I KNOW, I KNOW, I have sh*t load of clothes, but for some reason they all posses special powers to make me look/ feel extra fat on certain days. NOT a fan of these powers, lemme tell ya.
4. wanted to work out.. no need to elaborate on this one.
5. was stressing out over planning out my meal plan for the rest of the day.. this has become a daunting and dreaded daily task. TRIPPLE D is what this is. Its been taking me HOURS to figure out what foods i'm going to have when, because I have to take into consideration the cals, amount, food group, time I have to eat it, portion size, what I actually LIKE to eat, and fight with my ED about all of this while hearing my nutritionist voice in my head. OY.

Basically, i'm in a rut, and really really starting to struggle with over exercising. Its getting a bit out of hand, I must say.. all I want to do is exercise.. its all I think about, i've lost interest in EVERYTHING else. Even sitting in school, i'm counting down the hours that I can walk home after having already walked to school WARNING< THIS MAY TRIGGER< SO AVERT YOUR EYES IF THE AMOUNT EXERCISE SOMEONE DOES CAN TRIGGER YOU!!! (total 4 miles) then go for a jog BACK to school and BACK home, then to the gym, (total 7 miles) then work out a bit, and after, take two classes at the gym (total 2 hours of exercise at the gym)... and the worst part is I KNOW i'll want to do MORE after the second class. UGH!!!!!!
I'm a prisoner. really. Idk what to do.. :'( On top of that.. i'm struggling with completing my meal plan.. i've gotten to the number of cals I need maybe twice last week.. maybe this week will be better?? I hope so. I'll do my best.. I really hate when this happens.. people around me get so angry and frustrated.. I hate letting them down :(

Another thing i'm struggling with is ED deciding random things to be afraid of!! Like, certain foods I was ok with eating a couple months ago, ED says they are no longer allowed... needless to say my N is NOT a fan of this.. >.< ... we totally fought last time we went food shopping over foods she says I NEED to eat, but ED says I shouldn't.
I feel bad.. shes so frustrated with me and I totally don't blame her... i'm just as frustrated with myself. I WANT to do what shes telling me, I WANT to do the right thing, and I WANT recovery... so why don't I want follow my meal plan..?

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Sorry for the downer post, just being honest and saying that i'm having hard time..

Love you all and hope you're enjoying this beautiful weather, I know I am!

Stay strong!!

-A <3


  1. andrea :[ that is like a ridiculous amount of exercise...
    have you spoken to your N about this? i'm worried :[
    stay strong baby.

  2. Andrea! Please, just keep in mind things that you care about..things that are important to you, I know recovery is one of them, and dont let go of them! Focus on those things, push yourself! i know I cant make these bad thoughts go away, but I want to do anything i can to help them go bye bye! you are beautiful and amazing and no matter what excuses ED gives you, dont let it take those things away!
    And...I love you! :)

  3. Thats a lot of exercise and while it would be fine if you were training for something and healthy... it is not okay for an anorexic who is already underweight. I can relate to hours of meal planing. It takes me about 90 minutes each night to plan what I will eat the next day. But I do it the night before so I can pack and prep everything so I can get to class on time. Needless to say my roommates think I'm crazy. haha. But I know your struggling. But stay strong and fight back.