Friday, November 27, 2009
Holiday woes.. and combating ED!
I haven't posted in a while.. kinda on purpose because, although I am doing really well and sticking too the refeeding process, upping my cals, and not over exercising, im not really motivated to keep going and kinda down on myself :/ I think what has me particularly upset is the holidays.... but heres a pic of me ( i'm the one in black) and my family before Thanksgiving dinner.. love them <3
I've been dreading Thanksgiving since November started, and now thats its past.. i'm just so disappointed in myself. I feel like I completely lost control and binged. I FEEL DISGUSTING. I challenged myself a lot with holiday foods.. knowing that I wouldn't allow myself to have those things again until.. well who knows when. I know for a normal person, the amount of food I ate wasn't really a binge.. but thats the thing.. I don't feel like a normal person, I don't want to look like a normal person, so why should I do normal things?? IM NOT NORMAL, I HAVE AN ED. Ugh... I don't want to look normal when I feel so strange and conflicted with my self on a daily basis. How can I show how I feel if not though my body??
I hate feeling judged by my family.. or anyone really. Because i've been trying really hard to up my weight and get to a place that my dr. wont send me to IP, i've obviously gained, and I look different then I did the last time they saw me.. so I feel like they were all thinking "oh she looks so healthy, she must be all better, she doesn't even look like she has a problem anymore.. shes not thin." :( its so hard. I really just want to restrict and exercise until wednesday when I have to eat with my nutritionist. I can't even describe this feeling I have towards myself. I'm disappointed, scared, angry, sad, hopeless, disgusted, ashamed, I feel like I gave up control. Its so awful.. and I know most ED girls can kinda understand, but man.. negative feelings towards yourself and your body make it so hard to recover!!--> go figure right?
As much as I REALLY want to loose all the weight i've gained.. and more, and as upset and disgusted I am with my body right now... i'm still going to keep fighting. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help with the way I deal with it. I'm not going to let this make me crumble. I've worked too hard to get to this place in my recovery, and its not the first time either.. but this fight is too hard to start all over again. "ED, YOU WILL BE DEFEATED!!" There are so many things i'm looking forward to not having to deal with anymore once Eds gone...but at the same time i'm sooo afraid to loose them because I feel like i'm loosing part of my identity. I don't know who I am with out an ED since i've had one for 7 years... and i'm 18. These things that i'm looking forward to not having to deal with, are also what keep me sane, and my ED happy...like,
not having to sit on my laptop case for padding on the seats at school, not having my hair fall out, not always being cold, not having dry skin and chapped lips, not always being tiered and weak, not having my nails break every 10 seconds, not being so spacey that I can't think, not having my joints hurt, not having food, weight, and calories on my mind constantly, not having my skin be colorless, not being sad and anxious all the time, not being lonely and isolated, not having to eat every 3 hours, not having gastroparesis.. which is not fun when you're refeeding to have your food take forever to digest!.. alright the list goes on.. but you get the point---> ED SUCKS... and you can clearly see that not dealing with all of these things would be great.. but where does that leave me..? With out having to deal with those things.. I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what to think about, how to act, what to do, how to live... its scary.
Alright this post is long enough. Sorry it was kind of all over the place.. hopefully some of it was motivating, because thats my main goal with this blog, to motivate others!.. and myself of coarse. :)
I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday to the best of their abilities... and to those who didn't, don't worry. There are few holidays, and many more normal days, so you have plenty of days to make up for bad ones and enjoy yourself!! Take every day one day at a time, and don't get a head of yourself. The road to recovery is an extremely hard path to walk down, but if it weren't, the end result wouldn't be as amazing <3 :)