Thursday, November 12, 2009
Water bottles, muffins, and chaos..
This is a pic I took on my phone.. It kinda captures how I feel.. confined, lost, alone.. but a light at the end of the tunnel.. (yellow tree in the distance)
Hello lovely ladies!
I didn't post yesterday because my feelings were all over the place, and didn't even want to attempt at writing them down!.. but today I think I understand them better, so i'll talk a bit about my lovely day yesterday.. But first I need to explain the background stuff... haha
Alright, so, firstly, I have a Dr. appointment today, and its been on my mind since.. well since my last appointment a month ago haha ( I use to go every 3 weeks but now I go every month). So, a week before the appointment I always start to freak out a bit, and it always happens the same way.. I wake up, weight myself to see where i'm at, like it, hate it, stare at it, it never really matters what the number is because no number is satisfactory. Then I think about the number my Dr. wants me at.. and BAM, off to the kitchen to start this weight gain that is not even possible in the span of a week, but non the less i'm gonna give it a go!! One could say that every week before my appointment is one of my best weeks ever for trying to combat ED... I follow my meal plan to the T, I don't exercise, I try new scary foods because I figure " what the hell, I have to gain weight anyway, so I might as well indulge this once!", I eat every one to two hours, and I keep track of everything i'm eating PERFECTLY... ( I usually don't like to keep track because I hate writing it down and acknowledging how much i've eaten.. it makes me feel like a failure or a pig or something.)
Anywhoooo, my appointment is today, so thats why yesterday in particular I was a bit all over the place... One second I was proud of myself for having that low fat blueberry muffin that I always pass by in the farmers market, but never let myself have.. and the next second I felt guilty as hell, like a failure and a disgusting pig. On top of that.. its hard to actually watch my weight go up for a week strait.. because usually I try to just maintain., The thing is though.. in doing this every month... after the Dr. appointment, I totally backslide and try to lose the weight again, and the cycle starts over. WHY CAN'T I JUST MAINTAIN WITH OUT MAKING MYSELF LOSE AND GAIN CONSTANTLY!!? idk, it just doesn't make sense to me why I always put myself through this endless cycle of torture.. BOOOO. But, even though I do gain.. I still don't make it to where I have to be.. so I always bring water bottles to my appointment, step on the scale in my gown, see the number.. and then CHUG. I only do this because she is SOOOO focused on the number, and not the fact that I actually am doing much better and sooo motivated for recovery.. why does it matter if im not statistically at that "healthy" number just yet?? ... and since my Dr. said if I didn't get to a certain weight by this appointment she was going to send me to Princeton EDU.. i've had a little extra motivation to keep up trucking! I am gaining.. just not that fast, I don't really want to post my bmi.. but even though its not in the healthy 18 range, its still healthy enough compared to what it use to be, why can't that be good enough?.. ugh im just trying so hard.. I wish I would receive a little credit and praise once in a while..
The other thing on my mind today is FAMILY THERAPY.. BOO!! My family is.. um.. lets just say you would expect to see it on a soap opera of some sort. :/ .. and every session always turns into bash "A"sessions. Talking about how my dad hated me for being born, how much stress I cause the family blah blah blah.
Alright, enough of that sad ranting weight and family talk.. on to some positive energy time! I'm sure my appointment will go well because i'm planning on walking in that office and telling it like it is, no im not at your number, but i'm trying VERY hard, and i've made great strides towards my recovery! :) I'll get through family therapy just like I always do.. my family has issues, and its a good thing that we are all there to try to work them out.. things can only get better from here! I'm excited to face these two hurdles in my day and come out of it just fine, and motivated for a great day tomorrow!.. I even think ill treat myself to a little hot chocolate after my Dr. appt today :) ... ( i know that doesn't sound like a big deal.. but drinks with calories freak me out a bit.. but i love hot chocolate so I really want to challenge my ED and enjoy it!)
stay strong ladies!! the path to recovery is hard , but the end is worth more then anything.. LIFE!!!