Monday, November 9, 2009
Breaking the Ice... and my sanity!
(Pic I took on my phone.. could all the colorful leaves mixing in with the rocks be the many components that make up me.. and all of my thouhgts?? perhaps?? haha I over analyze things :P )
Hey everyone!... I'm having a GREAT day!... and its making me really upset. :( ...yeah. I guess ill elaborate.. haha.
Time to break the ice I suppose...I have a dr. appt this thursday that will determined if my dr. is going to send me ip again... although i'm 18 now so idk how effective her word against mine is.... But anywhoooo, i've been working really really REALLY hard to get myself where I need to be, weight wise and Ed symptom wise. The thing is.. I feel like i'm in a fog right now. I'm going through all the motions.. and i've been doing everything right for the past week... but i'm worried that once my appointment is over i'm going to snap out of this haziness and start to restrict and over exercise again. I'm just really scared.. I want recovery soo badly.. I'm so motivated.. but for some reason I always sabotage myself after a couple good weeks. :/
Alright. I guess i'll just go for it and explain a bit about me....I've had anorexia (yuck i hate that word..) for 7 years but my parents have only know about it for 2 and a half years. Since they've found out, i've been inpatient twice ( two months each time), along with day treatment for a few weeks, IOP for a few weeks, and now i'm just outpatient. I've lost so much to this disorder.. friends, hobbies, fun, TIME..
I can't wait until this part of my life is just a memory.. and i'll be able to say i've recovered.. maybe help others keep fighting as well :) I'm so tiered of how ED makes me feel.. cold, weak, exhausted, sad, sick, self conscious, OBSESSED, my hair is thinning, my joints ache, I sit on my lap top case at school and carry an extra jacket for the back of my chair so I don't get as many bruises on my spine or .. um.. bottom..? haha. Thats no way to live... and I know that now. I'm soo ready for recovery.. and to regain my sanity! Life can be so amazing once you are in control of your own thoughts... and when you think about it.. do you really want to trade life for bones? .. If you had asked me that a few months ago my answer may be a little uncertain.. but I know the right decision now. PRO LIFE not ED!! I'm confident that Ed can be stopped, no matter who he has his grips on, you just have to fight. HARD... and thats what i'm going to do.. and encourage my friends to keep doing! .... yes i'm scared i'm going to relapse after my week of doing well.. and yes thats been weighing on my mind all day.. but.. I have to stay positive and celebrate another day of hard work! I challenged myself with new foods, increased my calories, and didn't go to the gym!.. and i'm really proud :) ... even though Ed is not and keeps telling me that he can see every ounce i'm gaining, i'm a failure, and that I look revolting.. :/..I know I know, I need to say.. SHUT UP ED!!... I'm trying to stay positive.. really I am.. because I believe thats whats going to get me through this.. but UGH! IT'S HARD!!! alright. thats enough for now.. more then I thought I was going to say.. but I guess its true.. writing your feelings down does help!!
Stay well, focused, and positve everyone! Hope you all had a pleasant Monday.. and have a GREAT night :)