LONG post.... hope you enjoy!! :)

Hey Kiddos!!!

Happy monday! Break out those reading glasses and close your facebook windows, because its time to devote your full attention to THIS SCREEN. :D

Life has been a bit crazy lately.. I've picked up more shifts at work and have been busy every day, so posting is on the back burner and probably will be for a while... SORRY!!!! :X I will still be posting.. and probably just as often as I have been now... seeing as that hasn't been too often.. hehe :P

Firstly, i'll start out with some looks pics from a while ago... I have a lot of pics from previous weeks.. so they will trickle into each post, along with more recent ones :)

Blue button up shirt, layered over a long floral shirt, and black leggings... my shoes aren't in any of the pics.. but I was probably wearing black boots or black sandals.






Alright, so to recap from last post, this is the list that I wrote out for you all on things that are updates in my life.

1. I got my boot of last wednesday!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!! Finally wearing a pair of shoes again!!!.... ohhh, how i've missed that :P

2. I almost told the truth to my Dr. ( i'll explain.. haha)

3. No more ADD meds... :'( wahhh!!!

4. My birthday was on friday (october 1st) and now i'm 19!!!!!!!! AHH!! I'm almost out of my teen years!!

5. I got a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pictures posted underneath, of course)

6. I get my braces off next week!!!! HOLLA!!!!!!! haha, stupid pesky bottom braces that no one actually cares about but me.. soooooo glad to never have to deal with these metal demons anymore!!!! :8 <--- thats me with braces.. haha

7. I get my license next week!!!!... I know, I know, 19, with a car and no license? What can I say, I like to take my time with things :D haha (fingers crossed that I pass the road test!!!!... parallel parking.. you scare me.)

8. I saw Jersey Boys!!!!! SUCHHHH a GREAT musical----->* I recommend*

9. I can work out again!!!!!!!!!! So far so good, no over exercising (technically)... lets keep it that way!!

10. I figured out what I want to do for a career!!!!!.... I think..? I mean can you ever REALLY know?...

... now, to elaborate on each of those things, this is the UPDATED version of this update :)

1. Not only did I get my boot off, I also returned the wheelchair I was given, NO MORE WHEELS!!!!!! HOLLAAAAA!!! :P




2. I had been lying about my weight in my Dr. appointment for weeks because I had to be a certain weight to get my ADD meds. At first, the reason I was doing this was because I figured there was no harm in lying at the first appointment, because I planned to actually get to that weight anyway, so no one would know the difference. Well, what ended up happening was I lost weight.. so tricking my weight was getting very elaborate and very out of hand... and on top of that I felt so devious and evil for lying like that. At my last appointment, I came clean and said I had lied about my weight ( truth) but then said I was XX when I was really X ( lie). Basically, I didn't want to tell her my actual weight because I knew she would freak, but I wanted to tell her I'd been lying.. so I told her the # I was when I first started tricking my weight.. before I had lost more. Confusing, I know, so hopefully you were all able to follow that.. but the point is, I told the truth, but am still stuck in a lie. I've been working with my N, and have gotten my weight up a bit, so my plan is to go into my next appointment totally honest with her.. explaining everything I just told all of you, and telling my Dr. my true weight.

3. Because I didn't meet my weight goal at my last appointment, I got taken off my ADD meds :( ... my goal is to ACTUALLY get to the weight goal she has set this time, and get the pills back. It sucks because I got to experience a clear head and a focused mind for the first time.. and then it got taken away.. so its a HUGE motivator for me to get on track with my weight goals.

4. SO YEAH, it was my birthday... yayyyyy. I didn't really do anything on my actual birthday.. but the next day I picked up my car from the dealer went to my favorite frozen yogurt place, and salad place with my friend.. so it was a good day :).... ( besides the fact that someone hit my car door when I was parallel parked.. >.< grrr)

( I woke up to a teddy bear with flowers and balloons :D... my birthday look was rolled light ripped jeans, gold(ish) tone belt, black shirt, black cardi, and espadrilles.






5. As I mentioned, I GOT A CAR!!!!! (pictures in the last post).... I love it :)

6. Yeah.. I mean not much more I can say about getting my braces off.. other then I'm really happy to be able to feel my bottom teeth, and not metal sticking out and poking my lip!! :D

7. I stated that I was going to be getting my license... well... I got my LICENSE this past thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!! *finally* So now I can enjoy my car alll by myself!!! I'm loving the freedom, sooooooo happy.

8. I saw Jersey Boys the night before my birthday... it was a GREAT musical!!! Here are some pics of me that night, and some pics from the show and the beautiful theatre.







9. I've been doing well with being able to work out again and not taking it to the extreme that I was before. (THANK GOODNESS!!!) I still haven't gone for a run because I'm nervous to re-injure my feet.. but, I've done everything else, and I'm sooo relieved to have this back in my life!!!! Exercise is such a stress relief, and really brings me a lot of happiness.. so, needless to say, I was a bit of a mess not being able to partake in it for months.. YUCK. I think working more has also helped to keep me on track with exercise.. because if I'm working, I can't take that exercise class in the morning, afternoon, and night like I use to.

10. Well, I've figured out ( from working at the day care at my gym) that I REALLY like working with kids, and I think I want to be a school teacher!!! Preferably elementary school, maybe first grade, but.. yeah!! Its weird because I have so many things I want to do with my life.. I want to go into fashion, photography, and now teaching.. we'll just have to see where life takes me, I guess!


Well, I hope that was a long enough post for you all!!!! haha! Lots of pictures... and updates.

I've been struggling off and on since my last post. I'm able to stay on track for 3 or 4 days.. and then my calories start to suck again... :/ .... however, the past 4 days i've been on track, and am working really hard to KEEP it that way this time!!! I don't want to keep doing this back and forth with myself, I need to do well, and try my hardest to stick to it!!!! I'm really struggling with the fact that I have to gain weight.. I'm at the point in my ED that I don't see it at all. I use to know my body so well that I could look in the mirror and I would know my exact weight.. but now.. all I see is someone who is huge :( Its hard to do the right thing knowing I'm going to gain weight, and my body image will just get worse.. but I have to keep telling myself that once I stick with it for a while, my mind will be nourished and adjust to what is TRUE and not what it THINKS is true..... I also have to work on BELIEVING that statement.. but I'm trying!!!

Last of the looks pics for this post.. this is from the day I gave back my wheelchair! haha

Ralph Lauren Red zippy, skinny jeans, short brown cowboy boots, black tank top, navy blue ribbon in my hair.







Heres some quotes and facebook status' i've written and posted recently to keep myself motivated..


‎"Tonight when you lay your head on your pillow,
forget how far you still have to go.
Look instead at how far you've already come."

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

"people should strive to be happy with who they are and not be obsessed with how they look. beauty is nothing."

One of my Facebook status'--> Everyday you have the ability to choose.  You choose whether today will be the same as yesterday, or whether it will be something completely different. You choose. Don't wait for change to happen, make it happen. Choose. ♥

Another one of my Facebook status'--> Mind over matter. Control your thoughts, don't let them control you. ♥

"We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it."

Have a great week everyone!!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

Little update from my frazzled mind!!! Sorry its taken so long!!

Hey everyone!!!!

Sorry for the long hiatus from blogging.. I just haven't felt like posting in a while... :x SORRY!!!!!! Nothing personal!!!! haha

A lot has actually been going on recently.. as usual, let me break out a list to organize my thoughts.. :D

BUT, before I do that, I'll start out with a few "looks" picks..

Black blazer, black tank top, black pants/ leggings things I got in London, chunky "elephant" necklace




LIFE:

1. I got my boot of last wednesday!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!! Finally wearing a pair of shoes again!!!.... ohhh, how i've missed that :P

2. I almost told the truth to my Dr. ( i'll explain.. haha)

3. No more ADD meds... :'( wahhh!!!

4. My birthday was on friday (october 1st) and now i'm 19!!!!!!!! AHH!! I'm almost out of my teen years!!

5. I got a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pictures posted underneath, of course)







6. I get my braces off next week!!!! HOLLA!!!!!!! haha, stupid pesky bottom braces that no one actually cares about but me.. soooooo glad to never have to deal with these metal demons anymore!!!! :8 <--- thats me with braces.. haha

7. I get my license next week!!!!... I know, I know, 19, with a car and no license? What can I say, I like to take my time with things :D haha (fingers crossed that I pass the road test!!!!... parallel parking.. you scare me.)

8. I saw Jersey Boys!!!!! SUCHHHH a GREAT musical----->* I recommend*

9. I can work out again!!!!!!!!!! So far so good, no over exercising (technically)... lets keep it that way!!

10. I figured out what I want to do for a career!!!!!.... I think..? I mean can you ever REALLY know?...

So, those are my 10 topics to talk about.. BUT, I'm going to have to string you all along and talk about them in my NEXT post because I have to get up early for work tomorrow, and I'm supper tired!!! I didn't want to leave you all with out another update since its been foreverrrrrr, so I thought a little teaser would do the trick until I have more time for a proper post :D hehe

Here are a bunch of "looks" pics from a couple weeks ago... loved this outfit :)

Blue "blouse like" silk shirt with black detail trimming the collar, along with a flower, a black belt with patent leather appearance on the buckle, black skirt Urban Outfitters high wasted skirt, black leggings






I'll end this post off with some quotes that I really like, and find to be pretty inspirational/ motivational...

" Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do." <--
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"If we all did the things we are capable of,
we would astound ourselves.
" <--Thomas Edison

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control." <-- I don't remember the author of this one.. haha whoops :x

Hope everyone has been doing well!!!! Again, sorry for my lack of posting.. part of it has been because I was so busy, and part of it has been.. truthfully, i've been struggling a bit and was having a hard time admitting it.. and a bit ashamed to talk about it because I feel like I should be doing better by now. I thought that maybe if I didn't blog for a while, and waited until I was doing better, I wouldn't even have to mention the fact that i've slipped.. but i've waited weeks and I'm still not in the best place. Regardless, I'm trying to move forward and get back on track... and I HAVE been doing better the past few days!! Just thought i'd let you all know what was going on.. I'll be posting again later this week, or early next week to elaborate on the list that I made :D haha.

Stay strong everyone, and don't give up the fight!!!! Its the one fight I GUARANTEE is truly worth fighting for!!!! After all, its your life... <3

xoxo
- A <3

Remembering, Motivating, Thanking, and Updating.. four themes for todays post!!

Hello all!!!!!

Today is September 11, 2010... 9 years ago today, a total tragedy shook the world. I feel like I should acknowledge
all the lives that were lost, the troops who are still deployed, and the families waiting for their safe return before I were to begin my post. Please try to spend this day being mindful of what occurred 9 years ago.

Alright, now moving on to my post <3

Before I really get into anything, I wanted to share with you all a question/ statement that was posted on my formspring. This person wrote this in response to an answer I gave to a previous question that was asked. I feel like the response I gave may resinate with some people, and work as a fresh burst of motivation.

Question/Statement:

"Im equally scared of falling back and moving forward. obviously with the relapse side im afraid of the pain and loneliness... but with moving forward, im afraid ill lose the only thing i can control... that ill lose all control and i won't be able to see myself in truth. *by that i mean the typical self loathing* because i need that to keep me on track, to make sure i never settle for what i am, to always want to be better. im just afraid. it is so much easier to fall back. i don't want to be...
vulnerable. my control is my defense. when everything around me is spinning into chaos, i know i can depend on that. if i let go of that part of me, ... i just don't know. thats why im scared."

My response:
"Everything you said.. every fear and every thought about control, I can totally relate to.. as can many people with an eating disorder. Becoming vulnerable, facing your feelings of worthlessness and self loathing, losing control of your life.. all of those things become temporarily "fixed" by your eating disorder.. making it so much harder to realize you need to let go of your favorite coping skill because its actually killing you. In reality, you may be able to escape those things in your life through your eating disorder, however, having an eating disorder actually thrusts all of those things back upon yourself. While entrenched in an eating disorder, you LOSE CONTROL of your thoughts and life, you have feelings of WORTHLESSNESS and SELF LOATHING that the eating disorder thrusts upon you, your life does in fact turn to CHAOS.. its just now, all in a different way, and is a direct result of your eating disorder.
Eating disorders are a shield from the world and a mask from your feelings.. but how can you grow as a person and experience life when your always hidden behind a shield? How can you be happy and form relationships when your true feelings are always hidden behind a mask? Its true, its much easier to slip back then to push forward.. but if you take the fight out of the equation and just look at life, what do you want more? To experience the world with NOTHING hiding you and holding you back?... or being trapped in a world with chaos permanently ingrained in your head.. berated by voices of worthlessness that can only be masked by life threatening behavior? When you think about it, its worth the fight to recover, rather then the surrender of relapse.

Your ED is a part of your life, yes, but its not who you are, and its not a part of you.. as much as it may feel like its your identity, or all you've know. It may have been always there for you.. but really think about how "there for you" it truly was. Its as supportive as a cheating boyfriend, as hurtful as an abusive parent, and as unhealthy as a drug addiction... you deserve better, everyone does. Don't give up the fight because of the fear that you are losing your most dependable relationship, give up the relationship because the fight is what will bring you all of the support, love, and encouragement you need to live your life."

Since starting my formspring, i've been amazing by how open people have been in sharing their feelings and concerns with me, and it feels so amazing to hear that my responses have been able to help motivate some, and teach others what an Eating disorder really is. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask me on my formspring, the link is on the right hand side of my blog.. near the top I believe.

ALRIGHTYY, moving on to the quick thanking portion of this post! :P

I really wanted to thank everyone for the supportive comments and well wishes on my last post!! Every comment you all leave really means a lot to me, and your encouragement really helps motivate me, so THANK YOU ALL MY LOVELY BLOGGERS!!!! I hope you can all take your own advice and encouragement, you deserve it <3

To start my little update, heres some (LOTS) of my "looks" pics from yesterday...

Light shade of army green jacket military inspired jacket, long black tunic with beaded embellishments, layered over a black tank top with white lace trim at the top, and a maroon sports bra, black leggings, black sandal, and my boot :)






I do have other "looks" photos from different days.. but i'll save them for next post.. :)

So, since I can't really do anything, I haven't been up to anything interesting.. unless you count Drs. appointments and work.. haha. However, because of this, i've had lots of time for my little "photo shoots" in my back yard!! wooo!!! ... yeah, i'm a dork and I accept that. :P ....BUTTTTTTT I feel like its less dorky this time as appose to the other times i've done this because I really have NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!!! haha. And, not gonna lie, I have fun taking pictures of myself because is FAR more challenging then taking pictures of anything else. Its easy to go around, see a shot of something that inspires you, and capture that feeling/ moment in just a few tires.. if not the first. However, when your trying to take your own picture, it takes a lot more time, set up, practice shots at different angles to see if your actually in the picture, lighting testing, exact timing from when you press the shutter release ( or in my case, the space bar on your computer.. haha), to when you set up in the position you want for the shot, and a lot more shots until it actually looks the way I intended it too. I also love styling outfits for the "shoots".. although usually the whole reason i'm doing one is because I like the outfit that i've picked out to wear that day.. haha. Because of all this, in the end I feel really accomplished when I can come out with some pictures that actually look good. ( please not that by look good i'm not referring to my looks, just the quality, lighting, and feeling i'm trying to portray in the picture. ) I'n a real photoshoot, I know that all that work and MORE is what goes into taking a great picture of someone else.. which is why I think I would LOVE to do fashion photography as I said in an earlier post.. but right now I don't have the tools to be able to set all of that up at my house and photograph people.. so for right now i'll stick with the challenge of photographing myself! haha.

After that wonderful day of positivity ( the last time I posted)... I ended up having quite a few negative gloomy days that followed. I realized that i'll most likely have to wear this boot for my birthday.. which means my initial plans of going to the NEDA walk in NYC and hanging out with my friends that weekend will most likely not happen....which means this will be the first year that I have to spend my birthday totally alone (yes my parents will be around.. but thats a story for a different day..) :( Then I realized I wouldn't be able to do this community service thing ( which was actually today) that I was looking forward to since I signed up... total disappointment. Then, finding out that I wasn't allowed to do ANY exercise, like, no pilates or anything, and being given a wheelchair to use by my Dr. realllyyyyyy put a damper on my mood. I don't have to use the wheelchair all the time.. just if I want to go out and do things that involve walking... like going shopping around my area or going to the mall, working at the front desk at my job, or going to the park... so basically I just wont do those things because I do NOT want to use it. haha. My mom really wants to take me for a "stroll" and wheel me around the park... OH MAN. WHAT A PARTY. Haha :P .... Idk, things have just been hard for me because I haven't been able to adjust my mind regarding this whole "sedentary thing"... I mean my body is all for it and supper pumped to have a break.. but my mind is like HELLLLLLLLLL NO, man!! Truthfully, I probably wouldn't have been allowed to do that little "photo shoot" because it was a lot of standing and such.. but I have to be able to have SOME sort of fun if im going to be confined to my house with no one to keep me company! I mean really.. there are only so many times you can watch Jersey shore re-runs and the food network channel before your brain starts screaming for a different activity!!! In a sense, I almost feel like not being able to do things is worse then being in treatment. <--- let me explain before heads roll, lol. I just mean, when I was in treatment, everything I liked to do (or most things) got taken away. I wasn't allowed to go to the gym, go for walks, go for runs, take pictures, go to the mall (unless on pass)... and overall just had a ton of down time when I wasn't in the appointments or groups. I always had a hard time with not being able to do active things while I was in treatment, but the part that made it better was being with people 24/7 and always having a friend around to talk to or hang out with. Now, I have all that taken away, BUT, I have no one to come over and hang out with me.. so i'm doing nothing, and am by myself. Having that solitude, I feel, has made ED decided that he'll keep me company so I wont be alone. Sweet, right?? >.< GRRRR. I need to get out of my head and keep my "eye on the prize" but i'm struggling to keep myself motivated and follow my meal plan. I know I mentioned that in my last post.. and it did get better for a couple days, but i'm having trouble keeping the momentum going... all this free time is just giving me a chance to pick apart my flaws and body image issues, and is giving me (ED) more reasons to not follow my meal plan. Staying busy physically was a way for me to keep my mind occupied on other things.. so I need to figure out a way that I can do that at home. Any suggestions???? I know read, draw, obvs, do photography or something.. but idk.. I mean I do love to do all of those things.. but it gets boring after a while!! haha I don't want to be a debbie downer.. I really should keep reminding myself that it isn't permanent, and enjoy this little break from exercise that I have. One positive thing that came out of this is that I did realize how important feet are!! haha As people keep saying, maybe this was a good thing that happened because now I have the chance to change my exercise habits and create healthy ones.. and while i'm scared that I wont be able to stop myself once I start.. I have plenty of time to mentally prepare for the fact that i'm going to HAVE to stop over exercising.

before I go, heres some less artsy, more fun photos expressing my "love" for my boot.... haha :P Let me just say, the stickers I put all over it LEGIT make me happier.. haha, idk why!!! Maybe because they are so darn cute?? Idk, but, i'm telling ya, stickers work as a great mood booster! :) hehe





Tomorrow, I have a brunch with some of the family members on my dad's side of the family, so thats something i'm looking forward to!! I get to see my half sister, with her husband and two children.. and I think my two other half siblings (brother and sister), with their wife/husband and children as well. Along with some other family members that I don't get to see often.. so i'm excited!!! I may even get to see some of them tonight.. we'll see. :)

I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!!!!! ...and if not make sure you are asking for support and trying to get back on track!!!! :)
I also hope the balance of positivity and negativity worked out in this post so that it still managed to be semi motivational for people!!! haha :D
Have a great night everyone, and a great weekend!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

HELLO UPDATE!!!!!!! Don't stop following me yet, i'm still here!! :P

Hello boys and girls!!!!!

FIRSTLY ----> HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Sorry its been so long since i've updated... lots Lots LOTS of stuff has been going on and I lost my lust for updating! :x

However, a fresh burst of positivity is gracing my presence today, so a new blog update it is!!

Here is a wee, preview of one of the things going on in my life....





.... this, my friends, is the newest uninvited addition to my life. Not quite sure what you're looking at? This little beauty is a walking cast.. ie. a Boot.. and a decked out version at that. ( it really needed some stickers and color to add a little girlie, happy, fun, flare.) Its currently being bounced back and forth between both of my feet because I fractured them both... "womp womp wompppp"
"How does one fracture both of their feet?" ....you may ask? By partaking in none other then the lovely Over exercising addiction. Let this be a lesson for you kids, although you may not think it is possible that too much exercise can break your feet.. apparently it is INDEED possible!!! So, let me paint you a picture of my life the past week or so..
* picture me---> sitting at home, watching TV, going on my computer, eating, going to Dr. appointments, and going to work... * My life ladies and gentlemen.. my life. Granted, my life truly wasn't much more exciting then that to begin with.. but at least I could take kickboxing, go on runs/ walks outside, dance, do various exercises at the gym.. ect. I did get to partake in a couple pilates classes.. so that was nice... but didn't satisfy my exercise appetite ONE BIT.

Another life preview? OK!!!...






I went to visit one of my best friends A in Long Island a couple weeks ago.. yay!!!! Loved seeing her!!! We met in treatment a couple years ago at my first stay, and then both went back my second stay.. so she was in treatment with me both times incidentally.. which I think gave us a stronger bond. I talk to her on the phone all the time, and she is one of my biggest supporters, so I was SOO excited to finally go visit her!

Last preview for now...




.... well i'm sure you think this is a few "looks" pics.. ( which this outfit will be eventually, but thats not what these ones are meant for because i'm not going to be talking about the outfit right now.. haha)... these are pics of my new hair cut!! (yet not so new because it was weeks ago.. haha.) I know, I know, you prob can't tell because my hair is still pretty long.. but it was 3 inches longer and all the layers and angles had grown out, so I had to spruce it up a tad :)


Basically, things have been a bit ruff recently because of the whole "boot" thing... A couple weeks before I got it, I was doing GREAT!!! Like, totally rocking out my meal plan, challenging myself, going over my needed cals, cutting down on exercise, pretty much exuding positivity out of my a**... and then splat. There is a mental difference between not exercising because you are trying to get better, and not exercising because you physically can't... which is your own fault. The second one is much more frustrating and anger producing, lemme tell ya!! >.< Its also a bit frightening.. my ED has really been freaking out and saying the meanest things possible to make me feel guilty for not exercising and still eating my meal plan. Hence why I haven't been meeting my meal plan... :X I know that just because i'm not able to exercise doesn't mean I shouldn't eat the same amount of calories I was consuming when I WAS able to exercise... but ED doesn't know that.

" HEY ALL YOU ED'S OUT THERE, LISTEN UP!!! "

Just because you are not as active, doesn't mean your body doesn't still need food. People need calories just to LIVE, not just to EXERCISE. This is the perfect opportunity to really work on yourself with out distractions! Work on the mental ED issues, work on perfecting your meal plan, and work on figuring out a healthy exercise routine once exercise is a possibility! I'm not just saying this to myself, i'm saying it to all of you. Whether you are in a position where you are unable to exercise, or are simply struggling with an over exercising problem, MAKE yourself take off a week of exercise. Let yourself feel all the anxiety and emotions that not exercising brings up, and then DEAL WITH THEM. Its not a permanent thing, you will exercise again, you wont gain a bunch of weight or get fat because you stopped for a week, but you WILL gain some insight about yourself.

Truthfully, I have been a real Debbie Downer the past couple weeks.. feeling lonely, anxious, angry at my self and my body, and just flat out miserable.. but for some reason I woke up today feeling hopeful and positive, so it ended up being a great day for a post!

Hope everyone is doing well, and i'll elaborate more in depth on the little "previews" I just gave in my next post.

Thanks for being patient will me and not deleting me from the blogs you follow!!! haha :D

Have a great night everyone, and a great week!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Realizations, Explanations, and Appreciations

Hello my dears,

I have a few things I wanted to say that have been on my mind and didn't feel like waiting a week or so to post like I usually do... so be ready to concentrate on this very long post!!! :D

Firstly, I really just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments on my last post. It really brightens my day and is sooo motivational to read such encouraging words from you amazing bloggers. The support from the blog world and through facebook has helped me sooo much on the hard days and has motivated me multiple times to try my best to make you all proud. So again THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! I go back and re-read your comments when I need a little boost of motivation and inspiration to challenge myself that day.

With that said.. sometimes i'm scared to be 100% honest on my blog because I don't want to disappoint anyone.. or have people stop reading my blog and offering support. I like to be positive because I feel that being positive really helps to be proactive in doing the right thing.. but sometimes I may be more positive on my blog then I feel in the current day. Recently, I truly HAVE been soo motivated and so ready to get rid of this ED. However.. I feel like I only talk about how motivated I am and how well I want to be doing.. not how much of a struggle it is to achieve that. I feel like i've kicked EDs ass with challenging myself this week.. trying different foods and striving to meet my meal plan, but even still, a couple times I did let over exercising kick MY ass. I don't want to paint myself as the perfect recovery person.. I do try to start my days off in a positive way, but sometimes things don't turn out well by the end of the day. I know its like that with everyone working on recovery, I just hate admitting how much of a struggle it is to do the right thing day after day. I hate how every day can be soooo different! I can have an amazing day, challenged myself, knock ED down and make him angry.. sometimes that can even happen 2 or 3 days in a row!!.. but then he comes back attacking my body and knocks me down. My hope is that those 2 to 3 days can turn into a week, then two, then be able to say i'm truly in recovery.. i'm just not 100% sure how to go about completely turning off the awful things ED says day in and day out. I've recently been telling myself, if I can tell myself i'm fat and believe it, then I can tell myself i'm thin and believe it. I want to believe it.

I want recovery so bad.. but sometimes I feel like I don't want the recovery body, and that scares me.. because with one comes the other. I'm starting to realize that there IS an in between.. its not all black and white. You don't have to be sickly skinny, or "healthy fat looking"... you can be skinny and HEALTHY.. so I have to stop attaching words onto healthy that just simply don't belong there. Healthy should be linked with happy, thats it. You can't be sick and happy. You just can't. I mean, how much of my life do I want to spend obsessing over certain bones that NO ONE thinks is attractive, or blobs of fat that NO ONE else can see but me? Its just not worth it.. and I don't know whats changed, but I do feel that something has shifted in my mindset. I'm more able to look at a sickly thin girl and feel bad.. truthfully sometimes I still feel envious.. but i've been trying to remind myself to look past that body. I try to think of how that person is feeling.. tired, weak, sick, unhappy, most likely hungry, and alone... and I know that I never want to feel that way again. I think part of the reason I have such a hard time imagining myself with out an ED is because i've really had it most of my life.. so I don't know what its like. What do you think about if you're not thinking about weight, calories, food, numbers, exercise.. how do you function? I want to learn.. and I think the only way to do that is by trying to be around people who don't have those thoughts, or had them and are now able to live a normal life. I want to be one of those people that can say "yeah, I may not be ok with my body, but i'm ok with my friends, my life, my happiness, and thats enough for me." I even think that, if I can change my image of what is beautiful.. I may even like my body for what it is. If I can change my mindset from thinking stick thin models with bones and clothes hanging off are beautiful, and switch it to a healthy muscular figure and... dare I say breasts.. with clothes fitting just right, I feel like my ED could be powerless to me.

Quite honestly, yesterday was a hard day for me. I had over exercised the day before.. to an extreme, and as a result of that, my body was really beaten down and not able to function at all the next day. I haven't felt that way in a long time.. and it really brought me back to the days that I would struggle.. and feeling that ill was an every day occurrence that I deemed to be normal. It made me realize how much I enjoy being able to go about my day feeling alive and able to function, not in a fog and cringing every step in pain. It made me sooo angry that I gave into my ED, and determined to do the right thing and help my body feel better. I ended up staying in bed all day ( after my nutritionist appointment).. and then going to whole foods where I challenged myself to a vegan pizza as PART of my dinner.. and made sure to meet my meal plan. It was hard for me to rationalize that it would be ok not to exercise and follow my meal plan.. but ultimately I knew I would be fine.. and it was my own fault for putting myself in the position in the first place. I spent all day thinking, reflecting, and talking to a couple friends.. and it really helped me come to a few important realizations. I've realized that I LIKE food. I LIKE trying new things.. and finding new healthy foods truthfully excites me. I feel like i'm truly doing something good for my body, and I have almost no guilt after eating. I also LIKE putting new foods together and creating new things. I LIKE creating healthy balanced meals and not putting a ton of calorie restrictions on what I want. Yes, i'm still struggling with higher calorie foods, but i'm introducing more things, and recently, i've been writing down all my favorite foods and making sure I incorporate them in my day. Most importantly i've realized that I can ENJOY recovery.. I can fuel my body with foods that make me feel good, it doesn't have to be such a struggle.

With allll of that said, here are some "Looks" pics from the other day!! haha.. Blue ruffled satin shirt, Dark grey high wasted skirt, black leggings ( not pictured) and black patent leather espadrilles with a "wood type" finish on the base. ( not pictured).. it was too hard to get my whole body in the pics and I didn't have time to go outside.







Sometimes I feel like its hypocritical of me to admit that i'm self conscious, but then post pictures on my blog.. and I wonder what image i'm portraying towards my readers. For me, I post these pics for a couple reasons. One is because it gives me an outlet when i'm struggling with my ED... and combines two of my favorite ways of self expression. The first is fashion, going through my wardrobe and putting together outfits that I like, takes my mind off of the over exercise I want to be doing.. or the triggering blog/ website I shouldn't be looking at. The second is photography. I truly enjoy photographing the outfits and then going back later that week/ month/ year and seeing all the different styles i've created with my clothes. I also love editing photos by playing with the lighting, cropping pictures, taking things at different angles, showing off the outfit in different settings against different backgrounds. I feel like from doing this, i've realized that I would love to be a fashion photographer.. or a stylist, and I feel like it gives me great practice. I also love to write.. so maybe i'd like to work for a fashion magazine? I also like to post "looks" pictures because, from reading other blogs, i've realized that having pictures of outfits is something I really enjoy to see.. so I wanted to incorporate that in my blog as well. This is my blog, and sometimes I fear that I shouldn't put certain pictures up because of what people will think of me.. but really.. I want to be doing this for me, and not for anyone else. I want my blog to be an outlet where I just spill my thoughts, post my pictures, and connect with people who feel the same way/ have the same interests as me. Its almost like i'm documenting my recovery for myself, so one day I can look back at all of these posts and see how my thought process has changed. Who knows, this blog may end up switching to more of a fashion/ photography blog the further I am in the recovery process. Point being, right now this blog works for me, it motivates me, gives me an outlet, offers support, and encourages me to work as hard as I can on recovery.

I feel like this was quite the serious post, but I just have so many thoughts swirling around my brain that I really couldn't focus on making witty comments!! haha

I hope everyone is having a great summer, and able to find days that motivate them to push past the difficult ones.

Here are a couple inspirational quotes my friend M shared with me..

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control."

‎"Many things are possible if I accept the fastest way is one step at a time."

and one of my personal favorites...

" If you always do what you always did, the you always get what you always got."

Thanks again for all of your support, and I'll talk to you all soon!!!

p.s. what do you think of my new blog layout??.. its kind of like the color scheme of my room.. I hope you like it!! haha :D

xoxo

- A <3

Back!! Raring and ready to go!!!

Hey hey hey, bloggers!!! I'm back from South Carolina (Kiawah) and soooo happy I went!!!

NEW BURST OF MOTIVATION= NEW BLOG LAY OUT!! :D

( I'm trying to stay focused and write this post.. but i'm watching Iron Chef and I really can't pay attention to my blog!! haha)

FOCUS A, FOCUS!!!!

okay, so a little recap of my trip and first day home..

It was wonderful staying with my half sister, her husband, and two children. I've never really spent much time with any of them, so it was great to be able to get to know everyone better. I spent most of my time with F and M.. F= my half sister, M= her husband :)... and we had a lot of intense, but really great conversations. They were soo supportive, generous, hospitable, caring, and just over all really amazing people. They also have a really great marriage, so that was really nice to se. I ate a lot of challenging foods and met my meal plan every single day, so i'm really proud of myself for that!! I'll admit, I was triggered at times because I felt like I was eating wayy more then everyone else, and much more often.. but I had to try to not focus on what other people were doing, and realize that i'm doing what I need to do FOR ME. We did a lot of my favorite things in just a few days!! We went on bike rides, went to the gym, did yoga and pilates, got massages, got manicures and pedicures, went shopping, watched movies, played board games, enjoyed each others company, went out for healthy food.. overall it was just an amazing time and i'm SOOO GLAD I worked hard to meet my goal weight to be allowed to go. It was worth it, and I can't wait to see them all again. I only have one picture from the trip at the moment.. so I think i'll wait until they send me some, before I put any up.

Now, on to when I got back..

The problem with me going away, is that I ALWAYS do well when i'm away from home and out of my routine... that said.. every time I come back.. i'm all disheveled and off track.. EVERY TIME!!!!!!! IDK WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...the day I got back it was dinner time, so we went to Whole Foods so I could get some food for dinner. (I LOVE Whole Foods.. it makes me feel so safe... I feel like it radiates health :D haha )

STOP. PICTURE TIME. ... ok so I have a lot of pics I want to fit into this post, so I decided to throw some in righttttttt nowwwwww.

Striped black and grey shirt from London.. I don't remember which store, black wedges, and.... Lucky Brand SKINNY JEANS!!!!!... yes, I decided to wear jeans as part of my "learn to love your body" movement that I'm doing.. for myself. haha. ( explanation to come)... I have a really hard time wearing jeans because I truly feel like they make my legs look hugeeeee, but...... I think as a way to combat that thought, i'm going to chose a day and MAKE myself go all day in them so I can confront those thoughts and accept my body!








ANYWHO, so that night I got back I was fine.. but I found that my body image was getting increasingly worse.. I actually felt like I was looking heavier and heavier as the hours went by. It was terrifying. I kept trying to tell myself that wasn't possible.. but it was really hard to believe since I could SEE and FEEL it. Needless to say.. the more upset and self conscious I felt about my body, the more I started to fall off track. Long story short, TODAY was a great day!!.. haha, yes I was struggling until today.. but I had decided last night that I wasn't going to let the way I perceive my body keep me from getting healthy! I don't want to keep this endless cycle in my life anymore.. struggling, getting motivated and gaining.. feeling fat and being triggered, struggling, losing, then getting motivated again.. SO TIRING!!! Enough is enough! I have to just go for it and start every day with a positive outlook. No, I don't like my body.. but I don't need to tell myself that. I need to start telling myself that I AM thin, that I AM beautiful, that I AM worth recovery.. and ignore what my ED says. Bottom line, I want to be FULLY happy and I will NEVER be FULLY happy having an ED.. the most I could be is half because I may achieve the body I want, but the rest of my life will just go to sh*t. (pardon my frenchhh haha) Despite feeling huge and actually gaining a bit of weight, I still didn't completely meet my goal at my next Dr. visit.. so I wore my leggings... and water loaded again :/ BUT NOT MUCH!! I'm determined to meet that first goal, and I know I will because I'm going to keep following my meal plan. I'm not one of those people who says they have to do something and never do, this is legit, I want a life and I want to please my team.. so this isn't me SAYING i'm going to do it, IM CURRENTLY DOING IT. My trouble is staying motivated.. but i'm trying not to think about that at all right now, because i'm currently VERY motivated, and the present is all that matters!!!

The other day a couple of my friends from work invited me to go shopping, and then cliff jumping. The shopping part I was totally down for, but the thought of wearing a bathing suit while I was feeling like a giant balloon was NOT soo appealing..
I also didn't want to jump in because I wouldn't have enough time to shower before the class I wanted to take at the gym.. lol. I did end up going with them...but when they went cliff jumping, I just watched and took pictures for them with my phone.. lol. They did get a couple shots with me when they were done, so i'll show them too you!!! .. my friend asked me to crop her out, so its pics of me and cropped out people.. lol.

My outfit is my favorite black with little flowers, high waisted skirt.. with a satin, dark pink ruffled shirt, black belt, black leggings, and black sandals.





Next time they go, i'm going to jump with them!! I'm not letting my ED keep me from having fun!

I think the next post I do will be a fashion post.. I've gone on a lot of little shopping trips, so I have lots of fun and exciting new things to show you all!! I finally bought myself a Marc Jacobs purse before I went on vacation... so that will be one of the pics in my fashion post :)

Alright everyone.. this has taken me well over an hour because i'm just too distracted, so i'm gonna end this post!! haha

If you have an questions for me, feel free to visit my formspring!.. the link is on the side on my blog---> over thereish haha

Have a great night, and great week!!!! Stay motivated everyone, think of the goal, think of your hopes and dreams, think of your LIFE... you don't want your ED to be a part of it... so don't let it!!!

xoxo
-A <3