I'm alive, don't abandon my blog yet, lots of things to say and show you!!! :P

Hey everyone!!! I have LOTSSSSSSSSS of pics coming up in this post from my vacation!!!! wooo!!! this is going to be like a mini story book.. so get ready!! I'll start out with some pictures of before I left for Florida, the look of the day...

light blue ruffle tank from... some store in London, black belt, black high waisted shorts, black arm cover up thing.. kinda like a half cardi I guess?




.... next, second look.. from the second day in florida.. on my balcony :) ... Long tee with design from a store in Paris, cropped leggings, and same half cardi black thingy.. haha






I'm actually at the air port right now, but I felt really bad about not posting for weeks, so I thought a quick update with some pics was better then nothing :) Before I do that though... SORRY FOR MY LACK OF POSTING!!!! I usually try to update at least once a week, and promise I will get back to doing that again this week! :)

Reasons for lack of posting:

a) I had lots going on, and posting was the last thing on my mind.
b) Started with a new therapist and didn't feel the need to write things down because I was talking them all out! :) marvelous how that works.
c) I was exercising too much to want to sit down and write.. Blah I know, not good.. but noticed the WAS in that statement as I will soon elaborate on.
d) I started seeing my Dr. more often, so that plus therapy made my ED the last thing I wanted to talk about.
e) I was busy getting ready to graduate High school!!! WOOT WOOT

Alright, 5 reasons of why I didn't post is enough, now on to the update!!

Wow the last time I posted was the first day in June.. and now its pretty much the end.. a lot has happened!!

I like lists.. so i'm going to make another.. lol

1. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! I honestly was really scared I wasn't going to graduate because of all the school that i've missed.. especially because freshman year was really the only one I had good attendance and was there the whole year! My parents kept saying all year, "it will be a miracle if you graduate"... and when I finally did.. all they wrote on my card was.. " we didn't think you would graduate, way to go!"... ha, NICE. But true. I'm so glad to be done with high school.. honestly, this was the worst time in my life, so I can't wait to start a new chapter!! I really want to start this new phase of my life with ED behind me... which brings me to my second number on the list...

2. I lapsed.. pretty much the day after graduation things just went down hill. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because I had more free time? Maybe its because I realized its summer and I have to wear shorts and other clothes that I haven't worn since last year? Maybe its because i'm secretly freaking out about the next chapter of my life.. not knowing exactly what i'm going to do. Lots of thoughts swirling through my mind.. and the way I decided to deal with it was to fill my days with exercise. I started seeing a therapist twice a week though, and I really like her! She worked at the Spring Lane Renfrew, so it was nice to be able to talk to her about that.. and over all I just felt like she was a helpful person to talk to. The only down side is that we made a weight contract, and she weighs me once a week.. which drives me CRAZY!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE being weighed by other people. I hate seeing my weight, I hate when others see my weight, and I hate knowing that my numbers are out in the universe. I just hate it all together. I feel like if I were never weighed, It would really help my recovery. I can't do blind weights because it drives me crazy to have someone else know my weight when I don't.. so I always have to look. I also hate how I get weighted during the day, or at night, with all my clothes on and after meals. akjshgajkhs w/e, enough about that, but thats the only downfall to my enjoyment in our appointments. Hopefully that wont last forever.. especially since i've put myself on a weight gain meal plan!.. which brings me to my third number on the list..

3. My Dr. told me I couldn't go away and visit my family in South Carolina (Kiawah) if I didn't gain weight... I REALLY WANT TO SEE THEM!.. hence, weight gain is a must. No, i'm not a fan, and no, I don't think I need to gain, but if thats what it takes to spend time with my family then so be it. ( and my parents wont be there, so thats even more of a reason to want to go!!!! :P haha) I left for florida the last friday, and am coming home tonight, so I was here for 8 days.. and during those 8 days, I took that as an opportunity to get on track. No exercise, tripled my cals, added two supplements, and away we go. Lemme just say, gaining weight while wearing a bathing suit everyday.. not fun. But, oh well!! I feel like being away from home is the only way I can get back on track. I'm really afraid to go home now though.. :( I do so well when i'm away from home, but once I get back, I can't help but fall back into my old patterns. I'm also really scared to go back to my Dr... I know she told me to gain.. but I always feel guilty when I do what she says... does anyone else feel like that..?? haha. I do agree that I should gain so my brain functions better.. which brings me to number 4 on the list...

4. I have noticed that my ADHD or ADD ( idk which I have) has gotten a lot worse.. I feel like I can't even function!!! I can't drive because my mind wonders off into LaLa land and its pretty scary to drive when you're not fully present. So i'm either in La La land or OCD land.. where I start counting the lines on the streets, looking at license plates and counting how many of them start with certain letters.. the list goes on and on.. and now i'm scared to get my license because I don't feel like its safe for other people on the road.. I don't want to hurt anyone :/ I'm also always in a fog... I walked into the mens room TWICE while in florida.. and the worst part is I didn't notice until I came out of the stall and saw a man in the urinal!!! ugh. *totally embarrassing* I also got lost and couldn't find my way back to my room at the resort.. just call me ms. disaster. I'm hoping that my mind will snap out of it.. or back "in it" (because i'm out of it.. ha, pun.. ha....ok.. :P ) soon, because its not fun!!.. speaking of not fun.. on to number 5...

5. BRACES. I got bottom braces.. AGAIN. Why? because one tooth was out of place... erg. >.< most pointless reason to get braces again!!!...but my mom insisted.. so.. I now have metal glued to my teeth once again.. JOY.... which brings me number 6.. something that was ACTUALLY joyful!! :)

6. RENFREW REUNION!!!! yay :) A couple weekends ago was the Renfrew yearly reunion. It was really nice to see staff members, therapists, and friends that i've missed sooo much!!! I actually found going to the groups to be very helpful and motivating, as well as seeing my friends. Yes, it was triggering at times to see patients, or people that are clearly not doing well.. but for the most part, it was a very inspiring experience and i'm so glad I went!! I even saw my therapist there and took one of her groups :) I also got to connect with a couple girls that I had talked to online but never met up in person before. One of them, M, I was sooooo excited to meet up with!! She ended up staying the night, and we went to a group that was held at Renfrew the next day. LOVED meeting up with her, and were planning on her coming back really soon!!! She is amazing, such a good friend, and i'm so glad that we meshed well together. We actually talked pretty much every day before meeting up.. so it was nice to be able to put a voice to the face! Can't wait till she comes back to visit. :) Now.. for my totally random number 7... but first, a few more pics from my florida trip.. gotta spread them out a bit!!! haha

These pics are from when my sister and I went parasailing...






... alright, on to number 7..

7. This is something that just happened today.. Has anyone ever cried as a result of an awful manicure? anyone? anyone? Well, I would be the last person to cry about it.. but, lemme tell ya, it was pretty freaking hard to hold back these tears. Let me explain... So, I went to this salon in florida where a mani and pedi together was 28 dollars. That should have been the first warning sign.. thats super cheep. BUT, I love a good deal so I was ALLLL for it. We go in, and right away I got a bad vibe from the place.. no one was friendly.. no one even said Hi.. we walked up to the man at the desk, and he just looked at us. Just stared. So my sister and I stared back.. because.. we'll.. we thought he'd say something! haha. Then we asked if he had time for two mani and pedis.. he waited a few seconds then said yes.. then nothing. Again, everyone staring at everyone. Strange. But w/e. With out giving you the play by play in complete detail, my sister and I went to our seats, sat down, and waited for the people to come over. Basically.. my lady was a disaster. This was the most unsanitary place I have ever been to. Let me just list ( yes another list, bare with me) all the things that happened..

1. she wore extremely dirty, used gloves. Idk what she was doing in those gloves, but the fingers had brown all over them.. gross.
2. She took out the "tools".. and they were totally not sterilized.. I didn't even see any sterilizing machines around.
3. She didn't clean the soaking bowl.. she dumped out the old water, and just re-filled it.. ew?
4. While she was filing my nails.. she stopped to wax someones eyebrows and ring people up.. so she was all up in the money drawer with her dirty ass gloves, and then came back over and continued to file.. c'omon lady!
5. She didn't even noticed I still had nail polish on and didn't bother to take it off.. I had to ASK her if she would..
6. She did a shitty ass job filing my nails.. they were crooked and snagable.. so when she went to wax someones eyebrows, I re-filed them myself.
7. When she took out the buffer and "buffed" my nails.. she didn't even look at what she was doing and started buffing my knuckles!!!
8. She sent me to wash my hands ( I decided to use scolding water so I could feel like I was killing as lest SOME germs) and I saw her clipping her cuticles with the tool she used on me, wiped it off with her gloves, and stuffed it back in the drawer!!! Proving my non-sterilized theory.
9. When she did the "hand massage" she put lotion on.. rubbed the top of my hand.. and told me to go rinse off. nice massage.
10. She kept scratching her nose and face with her gloves.. ugh.. at this point I was so grossed out by everything.. I just started tearing up!
Mind you, it takes a lot for me to cry, and it wasn't the fact that my nails looked like shit, it was how unclean I felt! I really didn't expect that great of a job, or great service since it was so cheap, but I never expected them to be so unclean and unfriendly.. even my sister was displeased with how they treated her and the job they did. Needless to say, I decided to skip the pedicure after that and waited outside. I'm so embarrassed for crying when I told my mom what a bad job they did.. but it was the weirdest feeling.. I just felt like crawling out of my skin, so dirty and upset that I didn't walk away when I saw her whip out those tools. Idk, maybe I over reacted.. maybe it was because of my OCD.. but, w/e it was, I still have this feeling that I need to shower a couple times.. haha.

MORE PICS!!!! haha :P... this is from our little fishing trip!







Alright, kiddos, I feel like I can't leave off with my last topic being about nail polish melt downs.. so, what else can I tell you about... hmm.. Well, I'll just tell you what i'm excited for this summer. AND YES, i'm making one last list.. :D I really feel the need for organization right now.. haha. Family vacations are very much, go with the flow, no planning, or planning and things changed all the time.. it drives me nuts! I want a plan, a schedule, and I want to stick to it! I hate uncertainty.
k, so things i'm excited for...
1. The next twilight movie to come out!!! ECLIPSE!!
2. Getting home and back into my life! Working out ( healthily), Seeing my friends, working... planning my days! haha
3. Trying more fear foods! I had a LOT of them while I was on vacation, and I really want to keep challenging myself with different foods once I come home.
4. Seeing my half sister, her husband, and two daughters in South Carolina!!! ( Kiawah )
5. Staying with one of my best friends in NY, A!!!!!.. and possibly seeing some of my other amazing friends that live there.. hopefully my lovie, B :)
6. Having another great friend come visit me FROM NY, M!!!!
7. Relaxing and enjoying my summer!
8. Continuing therapy and kicking ED in the asssss
9. Working on my tan, and having my hair get lighter :) I love the summer and its magical power of turning your hair blonde :P
10. Getting new ADD meds!! WOOO!!! I'm excited to be able to focus, and then get my license.. which will lead to FREEDOM!!

Last few pics..... one of these pics I was a bit hesitant to put up.. its me in the top of a bathing suit... I didn't really show my body, but, idk..




...I'm not sure if i'll keep that picture up or not.( EDIT---> I actually took the pic down.) I truly have mixed feelings about pictures of me in a bathing suit in general. On one hand, I feel like I look really healthy in them, and want to show everyone how well i'm doing.. but on the other hand.. I realize may not look as normal as I think. Idk, I put them on facebook and got a bunch of conflicting comments thrown at me, people saying I look great, others saying I dont... so I don't know what to think. Its weird.. because Its not that I think i'm "fat" its that I think I look healthy.. which I translate to different words such as beefy, huge, and fat. But if anyone were to ask me, do you think I'm fat, I would say no.. but then if you ask me if I look healthy, I would say fat. IDK!!! does anyone else have a problem like that?? Like you know you aren't "fat" but you don't think your thin, or skinny, or petite, or any cute little word. Blah.. I've always struggled with body image and wearing too many layers.. so one of the challenges I gave myself was to have one day that I would try to act like a normal person... take pictures with my sister before we went to the beach, and I would wear the top of my bathing suit as appose to the shirt and shorts I always wear over it. The whole thing is too much for me.. so I feel like just the top is a start! Idk, i'm glad I did it and I now have pictures to look back on.. but after we got back and showered I went right back to my sweatshirt and leggings.. much more comfy! ( 6 $ sweatshirt mind you!!! what a deal!)

OKEEDOKEE, thats enough for now.. seeing as this is a really long post!!!!... which I started in the air port, and finished at home.. hehe :) This may be my longest post ever... WOWWWW, and the most pictures i've ever posted... GOOD LUCK READING IT ALL!!!! haha. I'll save my artsy photos from my trip for the next post.

Talk to you soon lovies, hope everyone is well!!!

Stay strong, keep fighting, and enjoy your summer!!!!

xoxo
- A <3

PROM PICS!!!!... and other stuff :)

HEY ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for such long gaps in the posts i've been making!!

So as promised, here are BUNCHES of pictures from the prom.. which was on MAY 15 at the Please Touch Museum.
I had a lot of fun.. and loved seeing everyone all dressed up! Everyone look SOOOO amazing. I really hate to say this though... but I think prom triggered me a little and caused a bit of a lapse. I felt HUGE in my dress.. and I felt I looked HUGE in the pictures.. and idk, it made me want to lose weight. BUT.. i'm trying to put that behind me and focus on getting my weight back up and getting back on track!!! so, anyway, here are A BUTT LOAD OF PICS.







and more..






and a couple more... lol this is the last of them, promise :)





alright. so that was prom! haha. now on to the rest of my life.

so the search for a therapist is still one. I've see one so far, and i'm seeing another one tomorrow, and idk about when i'm seeing the next. Man I hate these "first" appointments... they all ask the same questions, and you just have to keep talking about yourself OVER and OVER.. HATE IT!! but.. if thats what it takes to find someone who can help me, I guess its worth it.. right??? yeah.

I went FULL OUT shopping the other day.. got lots of great summer things from Urban Outfitters, American Eagle, Victorias Secret, and Macys. Can't wait to show you some of the things in my "looks" pictures. Speaking of looks, here are a few pics of a couple outfits I wore last week...





wow..this post is JAM PACKED with pics.. it makes me feel like people might think i'm obsessed with myself.. please don't.. because IM NOT!!!! just putting that out there... lol.

hm, so what else is going on with my life??? Well, as I said in my last post, I stopped seeing my N.... but now I MAY be going back to her.. or someone else. My mom has noticed my recent slip in weight, and while I don't think the amount is that big of a deal, she is FREAKING out, and wants me to see my N ASAP. So.. we'll see. Idk.. I still don't think I need to see a nutritionist anymore... I mean I know what I need to eat, i'm just having trouble EATING it.. but an N can't help you eat, they just tell you what to do. Idk. I guess i'm kinda confused with whats going on with me right now. I feel really HAPPY, not depressed at all.. and I don't really feel like i'm relapsing.. but i'm losing weight and reverting to old habits.. so am I relapsing, or is it a lapse?? but HOW can I be relapsing if I feel HAPPY????? This doesn't make sense to me. Everyone around me is freaking out and saying I need to go back to treatment.. and its really throwing me for a loop! Are people seeing something I don't?? or are they just overly concerned. These are some things I have to figure out.. and soon.. because i'm already losing people. My one friend txted me saying we can't be friends until i'm better because she doesn't want to be around me at this weight... YEAH. harsh. It bothers me because this isn't even a low weight! Its not like i'm really sick.. just struggling a little, and instead of people helping me through this, they are leaving me on the side of the road to find my way home. How is that helpful? How is that supportive? Its not. And its frustrating because I WANT to be ED free, and I see my self getting to a place that I'll be able to achieve it.. but I need HELP, and I don't understand why when I need help the most, everyone abandons me. I guess recovery is something you need to DO for yourself, but it doesn't have to be BY yourself does it? Alone or not, I know I can do this, I just need to try a bit harder to increase my cals back to a healthy number. I did stop exercising as much.. ONE HURDLE JUMPED, now I just have a few more in the way and I totally win the race!!!... ok.. stupid analogy.. but w/e. :P

I WANT TO SEE SEX AND THE CITY 2!!!!!!! Anyone else want to see that?? I think i'm going to see that sometime this week.. so pumped!! ( random tid bit)

OH!!!.. so my senior project presentation is tomorrow... YIKES!!!!!!! it has to be a 15 min long presentation.. and if you don't pass, you cant graduate!! thats a lot of pressure!!! But they want you to pass, so its not like they are out to get the students.. so hopefully i'll do fine.. but i'm still nervous!!!! :o

Alrighty everyone, i'm gonna peace out... but I hope you all have a FABULOUS tuesday, and had a great Memorial day and weekend!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy the weather, and the fact that today is a new day, your mistakes are behind you and its time to start a new!!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Quicky post.. next post is PROM PICS!! :)

HEY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! Its SUCH a beautiful day outside.. LOVE IT!!

Well, I have LOTS to talk about, but sadly, no time to write it all down.. so you'll just have to stay tuned and read my next post!! :) hehe i'm sly like that.

I'll start out with pics... FUN STUFF!

heres some ( a lot) of the pics from one of my outfit this week... Black blazer and chunky gold and while necklace from london, ripped capri JEANS!!!, black sandals, black tank top.







Well, there is something that I did, however, want to briefly talk about in this post. OPRAH. I joined a group on facebook protesting the new REALITY TV show that she is creating. If you haven't already heard, it is about eating disorders. At first I was like.. "oh, thats good, their really aren't any shows out their showing how hard it is to live with an eating disorder"... uh, NO, thats not how this show is going to be directed. Its going to be hosted in an eating disorder treatment center. People will be able to call in and vote on their favorite ED patient. umm.. WHAT????.... this is what I said on the facebook group. I'm going to leave a link so any of you can join to find out more information, or to help protest!

"I think this show has the potential to really shed light on eating disorders and the pain that people who suffer from them go through. I also think that if all the profits ( or most of them) go to helping people receive help and treatment, that would be an amazing benefit. With that said, I think they are going about this the ENTIRELY WRONG direction, and the outcome is glorifying and exploiting people with eating disorders.
I'm so saddened by the way this show is going to be conducted.. I mean voting on a favorite patient?? These are peoples lives were talking about, not some episode of the Jersey shore or real housewives!!  I agree that their is not enough information in the media about eating disorders, and would love to see a show based on the struggle, hardship, and people trying to OVERCOME eating disorders.. more of a documentary then a reality show.  I really wish someone would take into consideration how damaging it could potentially be to children watching these shows and getting ideas, or even people who are currently suffering with an eating disorder... not to mention the damage it could cause to the actual people ON THE SHOW.I really hope this gets worked out before the show is aired... PLEASE HELP FIGHT TO TURN THIS INTO A POSITIVE THING!!!"

so yes. thats what I said.. lol. heres a link so you all can join.. WOOOOO! haha

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^------ link... you're gonna have to copy and paste it cause I FAIL at being able to make it clickable.

LETS MOVE ON SHALL WE??? OK! :)

heres a few more photos... I must admit.. I went a LITTLE picture crazy.. 12 photos?? holy cow. my bad. haha





Before I add the rest, maybe I should talk about about my week??
Heres a quicky preview, and i'll elaborate more in my next post.

SO...
1. PROM was on saturday, that was fun. haha

2. I finally applied to.. DUN DUN DUN community college. womp. Not thrilled, but hey, ED screwed me over, so I gotta do this for now until I can prove myself worthy of the actual college experience.

3. I called a therapist!! haha. I've been told by numerous people that I need a therapist.. I KNOW I need a therapist.. but have been resistant to finding one. NOT ANYMORE. I called yesterday and left a message.. hopefully will talk to her soon.. WOO YAY THERAPY!

4. Totally caught up with my senior project and happy about that

5. Doing SOO WELL with NOT over exercising!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Working on relationships with some friends :P

7. TRYING TO PLAN MY SUMMER!!!... and find another job.. which brings me to # 8...

8. Needing a new job because I PRETTY MUCH got fired from the one I currently have... womp womp.

9. Potentially struggling with ED..?? NAH.. doing pretty well, just a few bumps in the road, but totally going to be fine!

10. Well.. hmm.. I guess 10 should be the last one.. I stopped seeing my N... hopefully that goes well!!

OK! SO, last pic and then i'm peacing out to go to work ( at the job that i'm fired from but still currently working at... it makes sense.. trust me. )



HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

Sorry I feel in a ditch for the last week!... well, not literally :P 40th post!

Hello my little flower blossoms!! This is my 40th post.. WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Sorry i've been MIA for a bit over a week!! I kept meaning to post.. and then just didn't.. lol.

I'm not sure what to say on how things have been recently.. I think they've been really good!! I feel like i've come so far since this time last year, and it really excites me! haha. The only thing i'm really having a hard time getting a handle on is my over exercising.. which I honestly have cut back on and am doing better with. I'm just so proud of myself for how much i've accomplished by working hard on recovery.. I don't want to list all the things I use to do because that would be triggering, but lets just say itd be like an ESSAY!! :P.. well.. the reason I am telling you all how proud I am of myself is because I seem to be the ONLY one who is feeling that way right now. :( I work at a gym (duh), and since I work there, I get a free membership. Free membership= me working out there alllllll the time. me working there= people seeing me work out allllll the time. Needless to say, this has resulted in many people being really upset with me for working out for more then an hour a day. But I mean.. COME ON! I can't work out for an hour a day! It goes by too quickly and I have practically zero sense of feeling as though I've worked out. MAYBE I can do two hours.. but really I feel like 2.5 to 3 hours is the best. I know that when I was approaching 4, 5, 6 hours it was getting to be a bit to much.. so I do feel like cutting back on that much was the right thing to do. Before I get into the story of the past week that has been on my mind.. PHOTO SHOOT!! haha. i only did one "photo shoot" this week of one of my outfits (mothers day!!) but needless to say I still have a bunch o' pichas.

black deep v neck, 3/4 length sleeve shirt, dark high waisted skirt with tiny red florals, black leggings, black bootiessss







Alrighty, so, lets back track to Mothers day, since thats when these pics were taken anyway! shall we?? :)
Well, on Mothers day I had work in the morning, 9-1:00 but I left at 12:30 to go to brunch with a bunch of my family. I was kinda stressing out about this brunch for a little while now, because although I LOVE to see my family, I always feel really self conscious and scared they are going to comment on how "healthy" I look. aka fat.

side bar-->[ I also feel really self conscious eating around anyone who knows I have an ED.. I feel like they are looking at me thinking "aren't you anorexic? why are you eating?".. I guess my way to combat that thought is by thinking "i'm trying to recover, i'm not anorexic, it was in my past.. and I should be eating, they want me to eat."... its so confusing! I never know how i'm suppose to feel towards my anorexia. Do I even have an ED anymore? I feel like since I gained the weight I needed too, that means I don't have an ED anymore. I don't deserve to say I have an ED if I don't fit the picture. Idk, i'm sure lots of people with EDs feel that way.. thats why many are resistant to treatment at first.. fear of not being sick enough, not looking ill enough to get help. But really, when you are trying to recover, when does the line get crossed between ED being something in your present, or your past? Logically I know I'm not REALLY past it.. but part of me feels like I don't have a problem anymore. ]

ANYWAY, back to the brunch.

So, left work a bit early and headed into the City to meet my family ( half sisters, their husbands and children, and some others from my dad's side of the family). It was lovely to see them! I really have missed my half sisters soo much! They visited me both times in treatment, and have been so kind and supportive. One of them asked me to come stay with her family in their summer place for a while, or stay with them at their house for a weekend.. CAN'T WAIT! I just have to figure out the times and dates and such. Again though, the food part freaks me out because I know they will feel like they need to watch me all the time.. what an extra burden I am on everyone! man! I mean i'm 18 and people feel as though I need to be watched 24 /7!... probably because most of the time.. I do. :/ Gosh I keep getting off topic, OK. BRUCH! SO, we got to this little Italian restaurant, ordered my yummy salad.. and decided that I would allow myself to have the deliciously warm, squishy bread in the basket in front of me. YUUUUUUM. After dinner we walked around south street for a bit, and then went to my FAVORITE frozen yogurt place.. PHILIOS!!!! For those of you who don't know what that is (which is like everyone) its like a red mango or pinkberry, except they have like 20 flavors, and you serve yourself. Fat free frozen yogurt= ULTIMATE YUM!!! oh man. so good. Its possibly my fave. thing ever.. but also a pretty big fear food for me.. ( crapy pics taken on my phone, but hey, I tried :P )






.... I only let myself have it like 4 times a year. The portion sizes are what scare me.. because I can't help but take a lot and practically fill my cup, and then I feel like thats bingeing or something.. idk. ANYWHO. So, this was SUNDAY--> challenged myself to eating out at a restaurant, challenged myself to eat Fro Yo, challenged myself to NOT WORK OUT ALL DAY, and challenged myself to eat OVER my meal plan. HAZA!! all in one day man, banging challenges out left and right, feeling good, feeling motivated..... Now for monday.. DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Monday started out great! I woke up feeling happy, motivated, and ready to challenge myself by wearing spandex shorts instead of leggings or sweatpants to the gym ( it was shocking to see that I actually have legs) ...

side bar---> [ I will also be challenging myself to wear a shirt, and not a sweatshirt once a week when I work out at the gym, MAYBE twice a week if i'm a little ambitious :P haha ]

.... so I go to the gym, all happy, bouncing around, saying hi to people, hype for my pilates class that i've chosen to do instead of cardio or weights.. then I stop in and see my nutritionist. Still happy, smiling, quickly telling her about my awesome sunday... watching her face stay totally displeased. Though nothing of it other then she was having a hard day and I would leave her alone.. and went to pilates. THEN, I came out of pilates and was asked by one of the managers if she could talk to me. "OK?"... does that ever sound good? no. She told me my nutritionist had talked to her, and was very concerned about my over exercising, and wanted me to stop. Sitting there.. I really felt like "what is everyone talking about, i'm not over exercising!!!" But I told her I would get a handle on it, and I was only over doing to because of Prom coming up this weekend. I then told her I would talk to my N and reassure her that i'm all good. I ambushed her in the bathroom. lol. Told her I was fine.. and she gave me and blank stare and said "you're lying. you are lying to me."...hmm.. nope.. nope.. def dont think i'm lying.. def think i'm doing fine. I challenged myself yesterday a bunch, didn't work out AT ALL, and barely worked out today.. sounds fine to me!!.. "you're lying!!!"...me--> NOT LYING!!!!! ( apparently I had willed myself to forget about saturday, where I over exercised to and EXTREME and had people telling me to stop all day.. with no plan of listening in sight) ..this back and forth went on for quite a bit.. and resulted in her telling me how angry people are at me for not listening to them when they tell me to stop exercising, how i'm burning bridges with people, and will no longer be welcome at the gym pretty soon. MAJOR BLOW TO THE HEAD, LEMME TELL YA. As soon as she walked away... I started BAWLING. Flat out in the locker room.. uncontrollable tears. I didn't understand why everyone was sooo mad at me! I was doing well!!! I've controlled my exercising! people must want me to be sedentary. People must want me to be fat. yes. thats the logical answer. They all just want me fat, and thats why they don't want me to work out for hours. >.< get it together woman!

So, that was my monday.. well.. no, that was what RUINED my monday.. luckily my lovely renfrew sister ALI was their to the rescue once again. I called her and talked to her for a bit, wondering what I should do.. I was thinking about quitting my job.. after all, everyone hates me now. (false) I was thinking about joining another gym.. after all, they just don't want me working out in front of them, if I do it somewhere else its fine. (false) I was thinking about exercising all day to numb my feelings.. after all, everyone is mad at me anyway, might as well just keep going. (false) Well, anyway. She made me feel tones better, like she always does.. but I still had to go back to the gym to take my second pilates class. Alright, i'm done talking about this day.. just thinking about it is emotionally exhausting! ( last few pics, I wanted to do at least two in color so everyone remembers i'm not a black and white person! haha )





On to YESTERDAY!--> tuesday. Tuesday I did not want to wake up. I did not want to deal with the day. I did not want to go to the gym. I just wanted to sleep forever.. so I tried. I woke up at 7 am. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MORE SLEEP. woke up at 8am. GET YOURSELF BACK TO BED MISSY, ITS STILL TUESDAY! Woke up at 9am.. COME ON!!! woke up at 10am.. Fine. I'm up. Ill except it. darn. -_- The only working out I did was a 5 mile walk. WAY TO GO ME! :) and then i went to work.. which I was seriously dreading.. stupid drama. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, it follows ED EVERYWHERE. Hes such a DRAMA QUEEN!!! Which sucks because id much rather be behind the scenes then CAUSING a scene. oy. Anyway.. I had sent an email to my N explaining my feelings, pointing out how far i've come ( I know it must be so frustrating for her to deal with me and feel like I should be recovered or something by now) and apologizing to her. She wrote back and all is good.. but.. idk.. still feeling a bit off about that whole situation. IDK :/

TODAY!.. today was another desperate attempt to sleep the day away.. so why I woke up at 4:30 am I'm not sure. HA. But I did will myself back to sleep until 9:00 am, but then gave up and went on the computer.. which is when I saw my formspring question asking me to blog.. and well here we are!! :D haha. I have to work on my senior project today.. take a couple gym classes, JUST A COUPLE, and then get my dress for prom back from being altered. WOOOO. PROM THIS WEEKEND!!!! AHHHHH!!!

THATS A WHOLE NOTHER POST.

Alright chickadees, this was long enough for today!! The weather is pretty dreary out.. bummer :( try to enjoy your day none the less!!!

keep fighting my little ED warriors!!
xoxo
-A <3