Hello my little flower blossoms!! This is my 40th post.. WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Sorry i've been MIA for a bit over a week!! I kept meaning to post.. and then just didn't.. lol.
I'm not sure what to say on how things have been recently.. I think they've been really good!! I feel like i've come so far since this time last year, and it really excites me! haha. The only thing i'm really having a hard time getting a handle on is my over exercising.. which I honestly have cut back on and am doing better with. I'm just so proud of myself for how much i've accomplished by working hard on recovery.. I don't want to list all the things I use to do because that would be triggering, but lets just say itd be like an ESSAY!! :P.. well.. the reason I am telling you all how proud I am of myself is because I seem to be the ONLY one who is feeling that way right now. :( I work at a gym (duh), and since I work there, I get a free membership. Free membership= me working out there alllllll the time. me working there= people seeing me work out allllll the time. Needless to say, this has resulted in many people being really upset with me for working out for more then an hour a day. But I mean.. COME ON! I can't work out for an hour a day! It goes by too quickly and I have practically zero sense of feeling as though I've worked out. MAYBE I can do two hours.. but really I feel like 2.5 to 3 hours is the best. I know that when I was approaching 4, 5, 6 hours it was getting to be a bit to much.. so I do feel like cutting back on that much was the right thing to do. Before I get into the story of the past week that has been on my mind.. PHOTO SHOOT!! haha. i only did one "photo shoot" this week of one of my outfits (mothers day!!) but needless to say I still have a bunch o' pichas.
black deep v neck, 3/4 length sleeve shirt, dark high waisted skirt with tiny red florals, black leggings, black bootiessss
Alrighty, so, lets back track to Mothers day, since thats when these pics were taken anyway! shall we?? :)
Well, on Mothers day I had work in the morning, 9-1:00 but I left at 12:30 to go to brunch with a bunch of my family. I was kinda stressing out about this brunch for a little while now, because although I LOVE to see my family, I always feel really self conscious and scared they are going to comment on how "healthy" I look. aka fat.
side bar-->[ I also feel really self conscious eating around anyone who knows I have an ED.. I feel like they are looking at me thinking "aren't you anorexic? why are you eating?".. I guess my way to combat that thought is by thinking "i'm trying to recover, i'm not anorexic, it was in my past.. and I should be eating, they want me to eat."... its so confusing! I never know how i'm suppose to feel towards my anorexia. Do I even have an ED anymore? I feel like since I gained the weight I needed too, that means I don't have an ED anymore. I don't deserve to say I have an ED if I don't fit the picture. Idk, i'm sure lots of people with EDs feel that way.. thats why many are resistant to treatment at first.. fear of not being sick enough, not looking ill enough to get help. But really, when you are trying to recover, when does the line get crossed between ED being something in your present, or your past? Logically I know I'm not REALLY past it.. but part of me feels like I don't have a problem anymore. ]
ANYWAY, back to the brunch.
So, left work a bit early and headed into the City to meet my family ( half sisters, their husbands and children, and some others from my dad's side of the family). It was lovely to see them! I really have missed my half sisters soo much! They visited me both times in treatment, and have been so kind and supportive. One of them asked me to come stay with her family in their summer place for a while, or stay with them at their house for a weekend.. CAN'T WAIT! I just have to figure out the times and dates and such. Again though, the food part freaks me out because I know they will feel like they need to watch me all the time.. what an extra burden I am on everyone! man! I mean i'm 18 and people feel as though I need to be watched 24 /7!... probably because most of the time.. I do. :/ Gosh I keep getting off topic, OK. BRUCH! SO, we got to this little Italian restaurant, ordered my yummy salad.. and decided that I would allow myself to have the deliciously warm, squishy bread in the basket in front of me. YUUUUUUM. After dinner we walked around south street for a bit, and then went to my FAVORITE frozen yogurt place.. PHILIOS!!!! For those of you who don't know what that is (which is like everyone) its like a red mango or pinkberry, except they have like 20 flavors, and you serve yourself. Fat free frozen yogurt= ULTIMATE YUM!!! oh man. so good. Its possibly my fave. thing ever.. but also a pretty big fear food for me.. ( crapy pics taken on my phone, but hey, I tried :P )
.... I only let myself have it like 4 times a year. The portion sizes are what scare me.. because I can't help but take a lot and practically fill my cup, and then I feel like thats bingeing or something.. idk. ANYWHO. So, this was SUNDAY--> challenged myself to eating out at a restaurant, challenged myself to eat Fro Yo, challenged myself to NOT WORK OUT ALL DAY, and challenged myself to eat OVER my meal plan. HAZA!! all in one day man, banging challenges out left and right, feeling good, feeling motivated..... Now for monday.. DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Monday started out great! I woke up feeling happy, motivated, and ready to challenge myself by wearing spandex shorts instead of leggings or sweatpants to the gym ( it was shocking to see that I actually have legs) ...
side bar---> [ I will also be challenging myself to wear a shirt, and not a sweatshirt once a week when I work out at the gym, MAYBE twice a week if i'm a little ambitious :P haha ]
.... so I go to the gym, all happy, bouncing around, saying hi to people, hype for my pilates class that i've chosen to do instead of cardio or weights.. then I stop in and see my nutritionist. Still happy, smiling, quickly telling her about my awesome sunday... watching her face stay totally displeased. Though nothing of it other then she was having a hard day and I would leave her alone.. and went to pilates. THEN, I came out of pilates and was asked by one of the managers if she could talk to me. "OK?"... does that ever sound good? no. She told me my nutritionist had talked to her, and was very concerned about my over exercising, and wanted me to stop. Sitting there.. I really felt like "what is everyone talking about, i'm not over exercising!!!" But I told her I would get a handle on it, and I was only over doing to because of Prom coming up this weekend. I then told her I would talk to my N and reassure her that i'm all good. I ambushed her in the bathroom. lol. Told her I was fine.. and she gave me and blank stare and said "you're lying. you are lying to me."...hmm.. nope.. nope.. def dont think i'm lying.. def think i'm doing fine. I challenged myself yesterday a bunch, didn't work out AT ALL, and barely worked out today.. sounds fine to me!!.. "you're lying!!!"...me--> NOT LYING!!!!! ( apparently I had willed myself to forget about saturday, where I over exercised to and EXTREME and had people telling me to stop all day.. with no plan of listening in sight) ..this back and forth went on for quite a bit.. and resulted in her telling me how angry people are at me for not listening to them when they tell me to stop exercising, how i'm burning bridges with people, and will no longer be welcome at the gym pretty soon. MAJOR BLOW TO THE HEAD, LEMME TELL YA. As soon as she walked away... I started BAWLING. Flat out in the locker room.. uncontrollable tears. I didn't understand why everyone was sooo mad at me! I was doing well!!! I've controlled my exercising! people must want me to be sedentary. People must want me to be fat. yes. thats the logical answer. They all just want me fat, and thats why they don't want me to work out for hours. >.< get it together woman!
So, that was my monday.. well.. no, that was what RUINED my monday.. luckily my lovely renfrew sister ALI was their to the rescue once again. I called her and talked to her for a bit, wondering what I should do.. I was thinking about quitting my job.. after all, everyone hates me now. (false) I was thinking about joining another gym.. after all, they just don't want me working out in front of them, if I do it somewhere else its fine. (false) I was thinking about exercising all day to numb my feelings.. after all, everyone is mad at me anyway, might as well just keep going. (false) Well, anyway. She made me feel tones better, like she always does.. but I still had to go back to the gym to take my second pilates class. Alright, i'm done talking about this day.. just thinking about it is emotionally exhausting! ( last few pics, I wanted to do at least two in color so everyone remembers i'm not a black and white person! haha )
On to YESTERDAY!--> tuesday. Tuesday I did not want to wake up. I did not want to deal with the day. I did not want to go to the gym. I just wanted to sleep forever.. so I tried. I woke up at 7 am. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MORE SLEEP. woke up at 8am. GET YOURSELF BACK TO BED MISSY, ITS STILL TUESDAY! Woke up at 9am.. COME ON!!! woke up at 10am.. Fine. I'm up. Ill except it. darn. -_- The only working out I did was a 5 mile walk. WAY TO GO ME! :) and then i went to work.. which I was seriously dreading.. stupid drama. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, it follows ED EVERYWHERE. Hes such a DRAMA QUEEN!!! Which sucks because id much rather be behind the scenes then CAUSING a scene. oy. Anyway.. I had sent an email to my N explaining my feelings, pointing out how far i've come ( I know it must be so frustrating for her to deal with me and feel like I should be recovered or something by now) and apologizing to her. She wrote back and all is good.. but.. idk.. still feeling a bit off about that whole situation. IDK :/
TODAY!.. today was another desperate attempt to sleep the day away.. so why I woke up at 4:30 am I'm not sure. HA. But I did will myself back to sleep until 9:00 am, but then gave up and went on the computer.. which is when I saw my formspring question asking me to blog.. and well here we are!! :D haha. I have to work on my senior project today.. take a couple gym classes, JUST A COUPLE, and then get my dress for prom back from being altered. WOOOO. PROM THIS WEEKEND!!!! AHHHHH!!!
THATS A WHOLE NOTHER POST.
Alright chickadees, this was long enough for today!! The weather is pretty dreary out.. bummer :( try to enjoy your day none the less!!!
keep fighting my little ED warriors!!