Greetings from a snow globe!!!!
(This is the view of my street, photo taken by my phone & then turned black and white on my computer)
I'm about to bombard this post with copious amounts of snowy pictures.. so grab a blanket and get prepared to be chilly, because its been CRAZY WINTERY over here!
( Photos taken of different parts of my back yard.. in case you can't tell, its a grill, patio furniture, and some little trees )
( Pictures taken from my front porch.. notice my sad little car being turned into a giant snowball )
Ok, enough snowy-ness for now, time to get serious. The actual purpose of this post was that I wanted to talk about how I've been feeling recently, and kind of vent a little. I actually have a lot to say.. and can already tell that this post is going to take me forever because I'm having such a hard time organizing all of my thoughts. With that said, this post probably wont be as interesting as some of my other posts.. and maybe not as inspirational, but hey, a girls gotta vent!!!!! :P
The past couple months I've been striving and pushing myself really hard to accomplish a few small goals. These goals are different things that i've decided will aid me in becoming closer towards my ultimate goal of recovery. Would you like to see some of my goals in list form??? HECK YEAH!!!!! erm.. yes I'm hype.. I love lists and make them multiple times a day for different things... is that weird? ...because, I mean really, there isn't a better organizational method out there where you can composite all of your thoughts.. and If there is, I have yet to discover it.. but anyway, ON TO THE LIST!
1- Stop calorie counting
2- Stop food journaling and writing down everything, time, and amount I eat.
3- Stop exercising for multiple hours a day
4- Work more often at my job and have a stable work schedule
5- Introduce "heathy fear foods" and make them a part of my everyday life
6- Introduce "special treat fear foods" and have them at least once or twice a week
7- Eat meals with one or two friends at least once a week
8- Eat 3 meals and 2 snacks everyday, every 3-4 hours
9- Increase my calories and protein
10- Start adding in weight training to build muscle and help gain weight
11- Meet with College advisers at the schools I'm interested in and get information on applying
12- Decide on the school I want to go to and start the application process
13- Work on meeting a weight goal and continuing from there, not plateauing
14- Reach out for support and start attending weekly Multiple Family Group again
15- Organize my room and get rid of old clothes from middle school, even if they still fit
.. SO, no, thats not ALL of my goals, but these 15 are the ones that I've recently been working very diligently on.
Lemme tell ya peeps, I'll be strait with you, I'm having a hard time and I'm not too happy about it... in fact, I'm pretty dang frustrated.
Confused? Yes, I just told you all how I've been achieving goals and working really hard on my recovery, and that is ALL true.. but one would think that in doing all of this, one would feel a great sense of accomplishment, happiness, and motivation, right?? Well.. one is not feeling such things. One is actually feeling pretty guilty, unhappy, and lonely. ..Alright, enough with the anonymity and on to the "I" statements. I've been ( I want to say trying, but trying implies not actually doing, and i've been DOING) working sooo hard at all of these things on my list, and have been banging them out one by one.. but, ahh, I just can't get my thoughts out fast enough to explain this all and have it make sense! Ok. I have to organize.
I feel like I'm struggling. Not in following through with an action, but dealing with the mental whiplash its been creating. I've been able to push myself past my comfort zone time and time again, whether it be with eating a higher calorie meal plan, eating fear foods, having larger portions, meals or snacks at "scary" times of day, where I'm eating, who I'm eating with, not knowing the nutrition facts in a food, zero to moderate exercise, eating when I'm not hungry just because I'm "suppose to", and turn the focus off of hating my body and wanting to lose weight towards wanting to be healthy and happy... sometimes all in the same day!!! :Z Its mentally exhausting and making me feel soo soo lonely. I feel like I'm on some type of sports team, but instead of having my teammates there backing me up and cheering me on, I'm the only one on my team rooting for me. I know that recovery is something that ultimately you have to do on your own, no one can do it for you... but I feel like I need more support. Its like when your running a race and you really want to win.. YES you are going to push yourself and keep going, but when you have people standing there cheering for you, it makes it so much easier to stay motivated and push yourself to win the race. Thats what I need, I need to assemble a crowd of people to cheer me on in this race( as corny as it sounds). Its hard though, because I feel like if I ask for the things I need ( ie, eating with people, weekly nutrition appointments, little motivational txts or emails) I'll be burdening people, or asking for too much. I have opened up to my one friend about eating dinner with her once a week, so we eat every tuesday, and thats been GREAT and I'm so thankful that she's willing to do that with me.. but truthfully, out of the 7 nights a week, I feel like one meal is still not enough. I mean when you break it down, I try to have at least 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.. so thats at least 5 times a day I'm struggling with food. That means I have support for one out of the 35 meals a week that I have. Which, yes, is better then nothing, but then the rest of the 34 I have to go through this emotional roller coaster of guilt, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, loneliness, confusion, determination, pride, success, ect. ... along with the physical discomfort of being that full and having horrible body image, its just a lot to have to deal with on my own.. and I haven't been talking to people about how hard its been. I feel like people always say, "you just have to do it, and it will get easier"... and I try to remind myself that as often as I can.. but man, no one says how long the hard part is going to last! I'm constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing by eating this much, or exercising less when I feel so badly about myself and my body. I don't usually let my ED be invited to my blog post, but I feel like showing you a blurb of what my ED tells me will better explain why I'm feeling so torn between working this hard at recovery, and caving in and surrendering back to my ED.
Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, my ED...
... don't be fooled, you may see a picture of me staring blankly at a camera, but this is not me.
"How can it be right to gain weight when you already feel fat?.. its not right, you shouldn't gain weight. You don't have the right to feel fat if you aren't even taking steps to change your body and make it thinner. Stop thinking about how you look and do something about it, restrict, exercise, lose weight, thats the only way you'll feel better and happier with yourself. You want to get rid of the guilt, fear, and anxiety you feel with food? Stop eating the foods that make you feel that way! Only eat safe healthy foods that wont make you gain weight and make you fatter. Charts and scales may work for some people, but you're different, you're numbers may say you're underweight, but the mirror doesn't lie... I don't lie, this is what you look like, THIS is you, YOU are fat. Feeling self conscious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling anxious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling scared? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling lonely? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling upset? listen to me, lose weight. Get the pattern? I will make all of these feelings go away by numbing you out, giving you something else to focus on, giving you order and control, and making you more confident about yourself and your body. Sure, think about recovery all you want, but at the end of the day, recovery is scary and unknown, but i've been your best friend for years.. I'm always there for you, familiar, safe, predictable and able to comfort you... which do you prefer? "
.... So, my EDs kind of a b*tch, right?
Its hard for me to stand up to conflict or cause an argument, even when the conflict is with myself... ( except for with my parents.. :x ha)... but somehow, i've managed to become a "recovery zombie" and do what has to be done, regardless of what my "conscience" says.
( sometimes I feel like my ED is my conscience, because its that little voice inside of you telling you what you should and shouldn't do.. whats right and whats wrong.)
Regardless of the way I've been feeling with my ambivalence towards recovery, actions speak louder then words. As far as actions go, I've been KICKING ED'S ASS. However, I weighed myself last week and realized that even with all this ass kicking, I still need to remember that I'm not super woman and can't always hit my calories every day with out keeping track.. so, after the reality check of losing a bit of weight, I've resorted back to temporarily writing foods and calories down, so that I will be better able to assess the problem and start to gain some weight. Currently, I'm super nervous for my Dr. appt on wednesday, because I was suppose to have gained weight since our last appointment... and I haven't.. However I HAVE been working really hard at increasing my cals in order to gain, so fingers crossed that all goes well and I manage to gain by weds!!!!!
I've also recently opened up to a couple of people that I work with.. they have both been soo supportive, and one of them even came with me to MFG last friday!!!! ( we got stuck in the snow driving home which is a whole other story, but it was still fun :D )
Heres the burst of positivity this post as been lacking. ---> If you break it down. Its simple. Do I want to live? Yes. Do I want to enjoy my life? Yes. Do I want to have friends? Yes. Do I want to go to college? Yes. Do I want to move out of my house? Yes. Do I want to date and some day have a family? Yes. Do I want to pass my ED on to my children? NO!
ERGO, I want to recover, and that is that. My ED can fuss, bully, trick, and try to pull me back as much as it wants, but at the end of the day, recovery is what is going to bring me happiness, not a stupid disorder.
Sorry this post was a bit all over the place and kind of a downer/ vent session.. but I feel much better after writing it, so hopefully if you're struggling with feeling the same way I am, you will feel better after reading this!!! :D
I hope everybody had a great weekend and is now looking forward to having a great week!!!! Have a happy, relaxing sunday!!!