About Me

My photo
I'm on a quest to discover who am I and who I want to be. I'm here to help keep my friends motivated on their path to recovery... a path that I'm on as well :)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Two steps forward, one step back.. but I'm still walking strait ahead!

Hey blog readers, long time no write!!!!!! :P

I have lots of exciting news to share!... how exciting you ask???


Yes, for me, its the SPINNING IN CIRCLES AND ACTING CRAZY KIND OF EXCITING!! ... although not so much for all of you I'm sure.. haha.

BUT, before I go into the news, I wanted to say...

>>>I was going to start this post off with an apology for not posting in so long.. but then I decided that starting off a post with an apology is not the tone I wana start off on! Plus, an apology is used when you have done something wrong, and while I know in the past I've started my blog off with one, i've realized that not posting its nothing to be sorry about. I post for myself; its my way to sort through my thoughts, keep track of my recovery journey and reflect about my trials and tribulations (Its also my way to keep track of outfits I've worn that I liked, so I can remember to wear them again.. or become inspired to create a new outfit! :P ). I also post to explain the life and thought process of an eating disorder, with the ultimate goal of educating others, offering support to fellow eating disorder sufferers, and motivate everyone with an addiction to push forward with life and live healthily... as well as educate the fashion victims out there and inspire the fashionistas! ... but I have to remind myself that this is all by choice and not obligation.. and convince myself that I should not feel guilty when I don't post for a while. (Hence this long ramble of why I'm not going to let myself apologize... haha :P ) <<<

**** I'm actually hoping to transform this blog into a more even split.. 50/50, or 60/40 of recovery and fashion... rather then 70/30... recovery 70%, fashion 30% **** THOUGHTS ON THIS????? What would YOU, my readers, like to see from my blog? What would help YOU, inspire YOU, and help YOU enjoy reading my blog? More fashion? Question and answer portion? Less recovery/ ED talk? Thought of the day? Inspirational quote in each post? .. I already know where I stand on some ways I want to change my blog a bit... now i'd like to hear YOUR opinions, so please comment and let me know what you all are thinking!!! :) ****

The truth is, i've been really busy, and thats why I haven't been blogging, not because I don't want too... although there was a point where I wanted to delete my formspring and blog because I felt like it would help me erase my ED. I realized, however, that my reasoning for that thought was because i've been so frustrated with my ED lately, that I want to erase every ED memory from my mind and pretend i've never had one. This, my friends, is called "a bad idea" haha. Putting yourself in denial and ignoring your problems with not make them go away.. and if you try to erase your past, how can you use your mistakes to grow, become a better person, and build a better future? YA CAN'T. SO, here I am, accepting I have an eating disorder, acknowledging it is part of my past and present, and proposing different ways to eliminate it from my future.


Firstly, I'd just like to talk about something that is really annoying. haha.
SO, my mom accidently knocked my full length mirror over and it broke in half... needless to say, the thing is now useless and has been throw away. Thats not the annoying part though... the annoying part is TRYING TO GET DRESSED WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WHOLE OUTFIT!!!!! GAHH!!!!! I mean honestly, like it doesn't take me long enough to get ready when I can actually SEE my outfit all together! Fo-real man, this situation is the epitome of inconvenient.

Heres my solution for the time being..

Mmm, yeahhhhhhh.. two mirrors at different angles (and a small face mirror) NO FUN. >.<

~!@#$%&* Anywho, on to things that actually matter *&%$#@!~

In my last post, I mentioned 15 goals that i've been working on recently... Now, i'd like to add 5 more things on to the list that i've been working on..
16- Start taking an accelerated college english class
17- Go spring shopping for clothes I want to buy, not what my ED wants me to buy ( sweatshirts, sweatpants, loose clothes)
18- Buy clothes that are appropriate to my size and not too big
19- Broaden my "pants horizon" and buy different kinds of pants, not leggings or sweats ( Cargo, skinny jeans, jeggings.. ect)
20- Progress enough with my monthly Dr. appointments that she will not make me come back as often

I can't go toooooo into detail right now because I need to finish my homework before class starts. "Class? What class? Is this what you wrote for number 16 on your goal list?" .... YUPPPP. Thats right boys and girls, i've started a 6 week accelerated english class, (twice a week for 3 hours each) and I LOVE IT!! Today will be my fourth class, (last week we didn't have class because it was "spring break"... and I'm so glad i've finally started to take steps with school and getting my education back on track! English is my favorite subject and really the only subject I like,- its been that way since middle school- and if you think about it, its the best subject everrrrr!!! haha, well, for me at least. I mean I write all the time anyway.. so its awesome to get graded for it! :P

Number 17-19 all has to do with clothes and shopping---> I've always invited my ED along when I went shopping for clothes, letting it pick out draping long shirts, baggy pants, large sweatshirts... things that would hide my "fat" -according to my ED- and make me feel less self conscious. ED would rob me of my fashion sense, telling me I couldn't buy the cute jeans because they make me look fatter, and that I must stay confined to leggings and juicy pants (sweat pants). Well, NO MORE. I am NOT going to buy clothes that are too big on me not my size, I am NOT going to deny my self the chance to own different styles of pants, I am NOT going to stay in my comfort zone and dress like an 8th grader, and I am NOT going to invite my ED shopping anymore. Kiss my ass ED, I'm done being your dress up doll.

I had a GREAT shopping success after forcing myself to remain in this mindset.. as hard as it was. Every time I started to drift over to the sweatshirts and baggy clothes, I would catch myself, scold my ED, and return to the pants section... snatching up every pair of jeans, jeggings, and cargo pants I could try on, in order to find one I liked. <--- the sales people were not a fan of putting all these clothes away.. wooooops. :P

The end result? lots of new clothes that I can't wait to play around with them and create all different types of outfits! ( i'll elaborate and posts pics in my next post)

Striped cream cami, Cream ruffled cardigan, Navy blazer, NEW Dark skinny jeans, Gold "chunky" bangle, Gold dangling earrings, Gold and crystal "dainty" necklace ( I never take it off) , and a High messy bun with Gold headband.

If you refer back to the top, you will see pictures of me spinning like a fool with my camera. This excitement was brought on by that Dr. appointment I was talking about in my previous post.. which brings me to number 20 on my list. For the past two, maybe even 3 years, I've had to see my Dr. every 3-4 weeks to check in, get vitals done, get weighed, and every so often, get blood work. This appointment was a huge anxiety provoker for me.. I hate getting weighed, especially when my ADD med is on the line. I would get nervous anticipating the appointment two weeks before, nervous when I was there, relieved when it was over.. until I would remember I have to make another appointment, and then the cycle would repeat itself. Long story short, at this past appointment, I told her about all the strides I've been making.. being independent with food shopping and driving around doing everything on my own, starting classes, trying new foods.. ect, and at the end of the appointment, she said, "alright, I can't believe I'm going to say this.. but see you in 4 months!!!!!!!!!" YA. FOUR MONTHS, not FOUR WEEKS. Holy cow. Although I was kinda scared because that means I'm totally on my own now, and I really have to stay on top of things and not slip.. I was still SO excited. I had been feeling so discouraged because I'd been working so hard on recovery, but had felt that no one cared.. no one was there for me, and that no one really believed I was doing well, and this was FINALLY the support I was looking for. Someone believe me, and was rewarding me for all my hard work! :) ... the thing is, I did fake my weight again... but, i've been stuck in this "fake weight" pattern for so long, that I'm scared if I show my Dr. the truth, she'll think I lost weight. I mean i've stayed the same weight for months now.. and i've been faking the same weight for months now, with the intention each time of getting my weight to actually BE that number, and not needing to fake it anymore. However, it hasn't worked, and I'm not sure how to break the cycle. She even mention how bazaar it is that i've been the EXACT same weight for every appointment, but didn't really connect that I could be faking it. I feel guilty for lying each time.. but I know if she knew the truth, she would take away my ADD meds which would cause such a chain of problems for me.. I wouldn't be able to focus while driving, working, being in class, or getting my work done.. and the anxiety from all of that has been such a trigger to my ED in the past, I really don't want to go back to that place in my life.

The past couple months I've been doing well.. progressing, fighting, feeling like I'm conquering ED... but currently.. things feel different. I'm not sure.. maybe its just a plateau with my progress.. maybe its a regression.. but all I know is, I've started to see signs of ED creeping back into my life. Its extremely frustrating!!!!!! I hate how I work SOO FUCKING ( excuse my language) HARD to jump over these hurdles of fear in order to win the race of life between me and my ED, only to get my food caught half way over the last jump, and fall flat on my face. Basically, I know i've stopped progressing, and I think I may be slipping. I don't know.. all I know is the thought of slipping back into my ED scares and upsets me beyond belief... especially now that I don't see a team weekly. I'm scared to admit to myself that things are regressing.. I keep trying to give myself excuses as to why things are the way they are, and at times I even catch myself denying that I even have an eating disorder anymore. I'm scared to tell the people that care about me that I'm struggling again. I don't want to cause disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, or sadness in anyone. I like myself better with out an ED.. I really hate who I become when my ED is the forefront of my life.. and I know everyone else feels the same way. I'm not fun to be around or talk to.. and i've been trying to be myself more often.. be happy and social, not talk about my ED at all.... and because of that, relationships with people have improved and are more fun... I don't want to ruin that!!! I can't bring myself to admit my slip to their attention because I don't want to be the ED girl anymore... I just want to be me. Part of me thinks if I ignore it, it will go away and get better on its own, but as I wrote in the beginning of this post, that is NOT the way to deal with a problem.. so I know I need to confront this head on and deal with it. I've already done the first step by acknowledging I have a problem, now I have to take the next step in finding a solution.

Okay, I really need to do my homework before class starts... haha, so I'll save the rest of whats on my mind for the next post! (Honestly, I have so much on my mind, I could write a book if I had the time.)

I hope you all have had a GREAT week so far, and I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

"Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration."
 -Evan Esar

-A <3


  1. I am so glad you are back! And you are absolutely right, you have no reason to apologize! This is your blog, and as soon as it becomes a task, it is no longer serving its purpose.

    I love reading posts like this. You want direction on where to go? Keep up this awesome writing! Seriously, I always feel like I get so much out of your posts. Like today, I recognize that I am struggling a bit, and THAT IS OKAY, I just need to recognize it and work to fight ED's voice.

    YOU are fabulous :) So glad to have you back <3


  2. It's so good to hear from you!

    You have great insight to know that yes you are struggling and yes you have been in denial about it. Your dr said to come back in 4 mo but if you need to have more support because you're struggling I'm sure she would want you to call. There's no shame in that, hun. In fact, there's pride in taking care of yourself.

    I've read through some of your old posts and see that you struggle with over exercising too. Is it too personal to ask how that has been going?? Please don't answer if it is. It's been quite the fight for me, we should chat about it sometime. Give eachother hints on how to kick ed in the ass when he's telling us to work out : ).

    Stay strong hun!