HELLO UPDATE!!!!!!! Don't stop following me yet, i'm still here!! :P

Hello boys and girls!!!!!

FIRSTLY ----> HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Sorry its been so long since i've updated... lots Lots LOTS of stuff has been going on and I lost my lust for updating! :x

However, a fresh burst of positivity is gracing my presence today, so a new blog update it is!!

Here is a wee, preview of one of the things going on in my life....





.... this, my friends, is the newest uninvited addition to my life. Not quite sure what you're looking at? This little beauty is a walking cast.. ie. a Boot.. and a decked out version at that. ( it really needed some stickers and color to add a little girlie, happy, fun, flare.) Its currently being bounced back and forth between both of my feet because I fractured them both... "womp womp wompppp"
"How does one fracture both of their feet?" ....you may ask? By partaking in none other then the lovely Over exercising addiction. Let this be a lesson for you kids, although you may not think it is possible that too much exercise can break your feet.. apparently it is INDEED possible!!! So, let me paint you a picture of my life the past week or so..
* picture me---> sitting at home, watching TV, going on my computer, eating, going to Dr. appointments, and going to work... * My life ladies and gentlemen.. my life. Granted, my life truly wasn't much more exciting then that to begin with.. but at least I could take kickboxing, go on runs/ walks outside, dance, do various exercises at the gym.. ect. I did get to partake in a couple pilates classes.. so that was nice... but didn't satisfy my exercise appetite ONE BIT.

Another life preview? OK!!!...






I went to visit one of my best friends A in Long Island a couple weeks ago.. yay!!!! Loved seeing her!!! We met in treatment a couple years ago at my first stay, and then both went back my second stay.. so she was in treatment with me both times incidentally.. which I think gave us a stronger bond. I talk to her on the phone all the time, and she is one of my biggest supporters, so I was SOO excited to finally go visit her!

Last preview for now...




.... well i'm sure you think this is a few "looks" pics.. ( which this outfit will be eventually, but thats not what these ones are meant for because i'm not going to be talking about the outfit right now.. haha)... these are pics of my new hair cut!! (yet not so new because it was weeks ago.. haha.) I know, I know, you prob can't tell because my hair is still pretty long.. but it was 3 inches longer and all the layers and angles had grown out, so I had to spruce it up a tad :)


Basically, things have been a bit ruff recently because of the whole "boot" thing... A couple weeks before I got it, I was doing GREAT!!! Like, totally rocking out my meal plan, challenging myself, going over my needed cals, cutting down on exercise, pretty much exuding positivity out of my a**... and then splat. There is a mental difference between not exercising because you are trying to get better, and not exercising because you physically can't... which is your own fault. The second one is much more frustrating and anger producing, lemme tell ya!! >.< Its also a bit frightening.. my ED has really been freaking out and saying the meanest things possible to make me feel guilty for not exercising and still eating my meal plan. Hence why I haven't been meeting my meal plan... :X I know that just because i'm not able to exercise doesn't mean I shouldn't eat the same amount of calories I was consuming when I WAS able to exercise... but ED doesn't know that.

" HEY ALL YOU ED'S OUT THERE, LISTEN UP!!! "

Just because you are not as active, doesn't mean your body doesn't still need food. People need calories just to LIVE, not just to EXERCISE. This is the perfect opportunity to really work on yourself with out distractions! Work on the mental ED issues, work on perfecting your meal plan, and work on figuring out a healthy exercise routine once exercise is a possibility! I'm not just saying this to myself, i'm saying it to all of you. Whether you are in a position where you are unable to exercise, or are simply struggling with an over exercising problem, MAKE yourself take off a week of exercise. Let yourself feel all the anxiety and emotions that not exercising brings up, and then DEAL WITH THEM. Its not a permanent thing, you will exercise again, you wont gain a bunch of weight or get fat because you stopped for a week, but you WILL gain some insight about yourself.

Truthfully, I have been a real Debbie Downer the past couple weeks.. feeling lonely, anxious, angry at my self and my body, and just flat out miserable.. but for some reason I woke up today feeling hopeful and positive, so it ended up being a great day for a post!

Hope everyone is doing well, and i'll elaborate more in depth on the little "previews" I just gave in my next post.

Thanks for being patient will me and not deleting me from the blogs you follow!!! haha :D

Have a great night everyone, and a great week!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Realizations, Explanations, and Appreciations

Hello my dears,

I have a few things I wanted to say that have been on my mind and didn't feel like waiting a week or so to post like I usually do... so be ready to concentrate on this very long post!!! :D

Firstly, I really just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments on my last post. It really brightens my day and is sooo motivational to read such encouraging words from you amazing bloggers. The support from the blog world and through facebook has helped me sooo much on the hard days and has motivated me multiple times to try my best to make you all proud. So again THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! I go back and re-read your comments when I need a little boost of motivation and inspiration to challenge myself that day.

With that said.. sometimes i'm scared to be 100% honest on my blog because I don't want to disappoint anyone.. or have people stop reading my blog and offering support. I like to be positive because I feel that being positive really helps to be proactive in doing the right thing.. but sometimes I may be more positive on my blog then I feel in the current day. Recently, I truly HAVE been soo motivated and so ready to get rid of this ED. However.. I feel like I only talk about how motivated I am and how well I want to be doing.. not how much of a struggle it is to achieve that. I feel like i've kicked EDs ass with challenging myself this week.. trying different foods and striving to meet my meal plan, but even still, a couple times I did let over exercising kick MY ass. I don't want to paint myself as the perfect recovery person.. I do try to start my days off in a positive way, but sometimes things don't turn out well by the end of the day. I know its like that with everyone working on recovery, I just hate admitting how much of a struggle it is to do the right thing day after day. I hate how every day can be soooo different! I can have an amazing day, challenged myself, knock ED down and make him angry.. sometimes that can even happen 2 or 3 days in a row!!.. but then he comes back attacking my body and knocks me down. My hope is that those 2 to 3 days can turn into a week, then two, then be able to say i'm truly in recovery.. i'm just not 100% sure how to go about completely turning off the awful things ED says day in and day out. I've recently been telling myself, if I can tell myself i'm fat and believe it, then I can tell myself i'm thin and believe it. I want to believe it.

I want recovery so bad.. but sometimes I feel like I don't want the recovery body, and that scares me.. because with one comes the other. I'm starting to realize that there IS an in between.. its not all black and white. You don't have to be sickly skinny, or "healthy fat looking"... you can be skinny and HEALTHY.. so I have to stop attaching words onto healthy that just simply don't belong there. Healthy should be linked with happy, thats it. You can't be sick and happy. You just can't. I mean, how much of my life do I want to spend obsessing over certain bones that NO ONE thinks is attractive, or blobs of fat that NO ONE else can see but me? Its just not worth it.. and I don't know whats changed, but I do feel that something has shifted in my mindset. I'm more able to look at a sickly thin girl and feel bad.. truthfully sometimes I still feel envious.. but i've been trying to remind myself to look past that body. I try to think of how that person is feeling.. tired, weak, sick, unhappy, most likely hungry, and alone... and I know that I never want to feel that way again. I think part of the reason I have such a hard time imagining myself with out an ED is because i've really had it most of my life.. so I don't know what its like. What do you think about if you're not thinking about weight, calories, food, numbers, exercise.. how do you function? I want to learn.. and I think the only way to do that is by trying to be around people who don't have those thoughts, or had them and are now able to live a normal life. I want to be one of those people that can say "yeah, I may not be ok with my body, but i'm ok with my friends, my life, my happiness, and thats enough for me." I even think that, if I can change my image of what is beautiful.. I may even like my body for what it is. If I can change my mindset from thinking stick thin models with bones and clothes hanging off are beautiful, and switch it to a healthy muscular figure and... dare I say breasts.. with clothes fitting just right, I feel like my ED could be powerless to me.

Quite honestly, yesterday was a hard day for me. I had over exercised the day before.. to an extreme, and as a result of that, my body was really beaten down and not able to function at all the next day. I haven't felt that way in a long time.. and it really brought me back to the days that I would struggle.. and feeling that ill was an every day occurrence that I deemed to be normal. It made me realize how much I enjoy being able to go about my day feeling alive and able to function, not in a fog and cringing every step in pain. It made me sooo angry that I gave into my ED, and determined to do the right thing and help my body feel better. I ended up staying in bed all day ( after my nutritionist appointment).. and then going to whole foods where I challenged myself to a vegan pizza as PART of my dinner.. and made sure to meet my meal plan. It was hard for me to rationalize that it would be ok not to exercise and follow my meal plan.. but ultimately I knew I would be fine.. and it was my own fault for putting myself in the position in the first place. I spent all day thinking, reflecting, and talking to a couple friends.. and it really helped me come to a few important realizations. I've realized that I LIKE food. I LIKE trying new things.. and finding new healthy foods truthfully excites me. I feel like i'm truly doing something good for my body, and I have almost no guilt after eating. I also LIKE putting new foods together and creating new things. I LIKE creating healthy balanced meals and not putting a ton of calorie restrictions on what I want. Yes, i'm still struggling with higher calorie foods, but i'm introducing more things, and recently, i've been writing down all my favorite foods and making sure I incorporate them in my day. Most importantly i've realized that I can ENJOY recovery.. I can fuel my body with foods that make me feel good, it doesn't have to be such a struggle.

With allll of that said, here are some "Looks" pics from the other day!! haha.. Blue ruffled satin shirt, Dark grey high wasted skirt, black leggings ( not pictured) and black patent leather espadrilles with a "wood type" finish on the base. ( not pictured).. it was too hard to get my whole body in the pics and I didn't have time to go outside.







Sometimes I feel like its hypocritical of me to admit that i'm self conscious, but then post pictures on my blog.. and I wonder what image i'm portraying towards my readers. For me, I post these pics for a couple reasons. One is because it gives me an outlet when i'm struggling with my ED... and combines two of my favorite ways of self expression. The first is fashion, going through my wardrobe and putting together outfits that I like, takes my mind off of the over exercise I want to be doing.. or the triggering blog/ website I shouldn't be looking at. The second is photography. I truly enjoy photographing the outfits and then going back later that week/ month/ year and seeing all the different styles i've created with my clothes. I also love editing photos by playing with the lighting, cropping pictures, taking things at different angles, showing off the outfit in different settings against different backgrounds. I feel like from doing this, i've realized that I would love to be a fashion photographer.. or a stylist, and I feel like it gives me great practice. I also love to write.. so maybe i'd like to work for a fashion magazine? I also like to post "looks" pictures because, from reading other blogs, i've realized that having pictures of outfits is something I really enjoy to see.. so I wanted to incorporate that in my blog as well. This is my blog, and sometimes I fear that I shouldn't put certain pictures up because of what people will think of me.. but really.. I want to be doing this for me, and not for anyone else. I want my blog to be an outlet where I just spill my thoughts, post my pictures, and connect with people who feel the same way/ have the same interests as me. Its almost like i'm documenting my recovery for myself, so one day I can look back at all of these posts and see how my thought process has changed. Who knows, this blog may end up switching to more of a fashion/ photography blog the further I am in the recovery process. Point being, right now this blog works for me, it motivates me, gives me an outlet, offers support, and encourages me to work as hard as I can on recovery.

I feel like this was quite the serious post, but I just have so many thoughts swirling around my brain that I really couldn't focus on making witty comments!! haha

I hope everyone is having a great summer, and able to find days that motivate them to push past the difficult ones.

Here are a couple inspirational quotes my friend M shared with me..

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control."

‎"Many things are possible if I accept the fastest way is one step at a time."

and one of my personal favorites...

" If you always do what you always did, the you always get what you always got."

Thanks again for all of your support, and I'll talk to you all soon!!!

p.s. what do you think of my new blog layout??.. its kind of like the color scheme of my room.. I hope you like it!! haha :D

xoxo

- A <3

Back!! Raring and ready to go!!!

Hey hey hey, bloggers!!! I'm back from South Carolina (Kiawah) and soooo happy I went!!!

NEW BURST OF MOTIVATION= NEW BLOG LAY OUT!! :D

( I'm trying to stay focused and write this post.. but i'm watching Iron Chef and I really can't pay attention to my blog!! haha)

FOCUS A, FOCUS!!!!

okay, so a little recap of my trip and first day home..

It was wonderful staying with my half sister, her husband, and two children. I've never really spent much time with any of them, so it was great to be able to get to know everyone better. I spent most of my time with F and M.. F= my half sister, M= her husband :)... and we had a lot of intense, but really great conversations. They were soo supportive, generous, hospitable, caring, and just over all really amazing people. They also have a really great marriage, so that was really nice to se. I ate a lot of challenging foods and met my meal plan every single day, so i'm really proud of myself for that!! I'll admit, I was triggered at times because I felt like I was eating wayy more then everyone else, and much more often.. but I had to try to not focus on what other people were doing, and realize that i'm doing what I need to do FOR ME. We did a lot of my favorite things in just a few days!! We went on bike rides, went to the gym, did yoga and pilates, got massages, got manicures and pedicures, went shopping, watched movies, played board games, enjoyed each others company, went out for healthy food.. overall it was just an amazing time and i'm SOOO GLAD I worked hard to meet my goal weight to be allowed to go. It was worth it, and I can't wait to see them all again. I only have one picture from the trip at the moment.. so I think i'll wait until they send me some, before I put any up.

Now, on to when I got back..

The problem with me going away, is that I ALWAYS do well when i'm away from home and out of my routine... that said.. every time I come back.. i'm all disheveled and off track.. EVERY TIME!!!!!!! IDK WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...the day I got back it was dinner time, so we went to Whole Foods so I could get some food for dinner. (I LOVE Whole Foods.. it makes me feel so safe... I feel like it radiates health :D haha )

STOP. PICTURE TIME. ... ok so I have a lot of pics I want to fit into this post, so I decided to throw some in righttttttt nowwwwww.

Striped black and grey shirt from London.. I don't remember which store, black wedges, and.... Lucky Brand SKINNY JEANS!!!!!... yes, I decided to wear jeans as part of my "learn to love your body" movement that I'm doing.. for myself. haha. ( explanation to come)... I have a really hard time wearing jeans because I truly feel like they make my legs look hugeeeee, but...... I think as a way to combat that thought, i'm going to chose a day and MAKE myself go all day in them so I can confront those thoughts and accept my body!








ANYWHO, so that night I got back I was fine.. but I found that my body image was getting increasingly worse.. I actually felt like I was looking heavier and heavier as the hours went by. It was terrifying. I kept trying to tell myself that wasn't possible.. but it was really hard to believe since I could SEE and FEEL it. Needless to say.. the more upset and self conscious I felt about my body, the more I started to fall off track. Long story short, TODAY was a great day!!.. haha, yes I was struggling until today.. but I had decided last night that I wasn't going to let the way I perceive my body keep me from getting healthy! I don't want to keep this endless cycle in my life anymore.. struggling, getting motivated and gaining.. feeling fat and being triggered, struggling, losing, then getting motivated again.. SO TIRING!!! Enough is enough! I have to just go for it and start every day with a positive outlook. No, I don't like my body.. but I don't need to tell myself that. I need to start telling myself that I AM thin, that I AM beautiful, that I AM worth recovery.. and ignore what my ED says. Bottom line, I want to be FULLY happy and I will NEVER be FULLY happy having an ED.. the most I could be is half because I may achieve the body I want, but the rest of my life will just go to sh*t. (pardon my frenchhh haha) Despite feeling huge and actually gaining a bit of weight, I still didn't completely meet my goal at my next Dr. visit.. so I wore my leggings... and water loaded again :/ BUT NOT MUCH!! I'm determined to meet that first goal, and I know I will because I'm going to keep following my meal plan. I'm not one of those people who says they have to do something and never do, this is legit, I want a life and I want to please my team.. so this isn't me SAYING i'm going to do it, IM CURRENTLY DOING IT. My trouble is staying motivated.. but i'm trying not to think about that at all right now, because i'm currently VERY motivated, and the present is all that matters!!!

The other day a couple of my friends from work invited me to go shopping, and then cliff jumping. The shopping part I was totally down for, but the thought of wearing a bathing suit while I was feeling like a giant balloon was NOT soo appealing..
I also didn't want to jump in because I wouldn't have enough time to shower before the class I wanted to take at the gym.. lol. I did end up going with them...but when they went cliff jumping, I just watched and took pictures for them with my phone.. lol. They did get a couple shots with me when they were done, so i'll show them too you!!! .. my friend asked me to crop her out, so its pics of me and cropped out people.. lol.

My outfit is my favorite black with little flowers, high waisted skirt.. with a satin, dark pink ruffled shirt, black belt, black leggings, and black sandals.





Next time they go, i'm going to jump with them!! I'm not letting my ED keep me from having fun!

I think the next post I do will be a fashion post.. I've gone on a lot of little shopping trips, so I have lots of fun and exciting new things to show you all!! I finally bought myself a Marc Jacobs purse before I went on vacation... so that will be one of the pics in my fashion post :)

Alright everyone.. this has taken me well over an hour because i'm just too distracted, so i'm gonna end this post!! haha

If you have an questions for me, feel free to visit my formspring!.. the link is on the side on my blog---> over thereish haha

Have a great night, and great week!!!! Stay motivated everyone, think of the goal, think of your hopes and dreams, think of your LIFE... you don't want your ED to be a part of it... so don't let it!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Mini vacation!! so hype :).... and the dreaded water loading :(

Helloooooo, bloggers!

I just wanted to give you all a quickly little update and fill you in on LIFE before I go away to KIAWAH ( South Carolina ) to visit my family for a week.

Before I get into the update, here are some pics I took with my friend when we went into the city.. ( not NYC ) These are actually pics I took before I met up with her.. specifically so I would have some fashion bloggy pics for you all to look at!! haha, and a few from the city.

Floral high waisted skirt, black belt, black footless tights, black J crew flip flops, black tank top, black Coach bag, long chunky Lucky brand necklace, and oversized sunglasses.













This is gonna be a shorttttttt post, because its almost 2:30 am and I should be sleeping since i'm waking up in a few hours!!

I went shopping again.. ahhh!!! TOTALLY need to stop shopping because I now have NO money... but we were in the city.. HOW DO YOU NOT SHOP IN THE CITY?!?! answer- YA DON'T. ( sorry i'll use I statements... I <----- DON'T)... and H&M was having a killer sale that I just NEEDED to take part in. Ya know.. do my part in supporting the economy and all. :P

I've had a buttloaddddddd of appointments this week.. almost two every day with various Drs and what not... but nothing that was all that memorable to share with you.. haha

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about body image.. I feel like thats one of the main things keeping me stuck in my ED. Its hard to see something that no one else can see.. ( or wont admit to see )... and be able to accept that. I mentioned this on a question I got on my formspring a while back, but something my therapist said I found to be really interesting. I can't remember word for word what it was, but it was something like..

" You will never be able to see yourself the way others do. You will never be able to see your full self in 3D. Every time you look in a mirror, picture, video.. its all 2 dimensional.. and the brain likes to see things in 3D, so if it can't, it will make the rest up. Because you will never be able to see yourself the way your brain wants you too ( 3D )... you will NEVER know how others see you. You'll NEVER be able to see the real you.. only a partial correct version.. while the rest is made up."

.... interesting isn't it? Ever think of it that way? I didn't.

Recently, i've been finding it more and more difficult to accept myself and my body, and come to terms with the inevitable... weight gain. >.< boo. Not pleased, not looking forward to it, not enjoying the process. Overall i'm just not a HUGE fan. Which must sound odd since everyone TOTALLY looks forward to weight gain. Idk. I've been pretty mad at myself for getting back to a place where this is even necessary. Its so stupid. I KNOW THE CYCLE BY NOW, WHY CAN'T I BRAKE IT!?! Weight loss= Weight gain... the only way to not deal with weight gain is to NOT LOSE WEIGHT!!! DUHHH!!!!!!! I need to stop thinking that losing weight will make me happy or like my body.. because even if it DOES bring me those things... it wont last because i'll have to gain it back! Its just stupid, and logically I don't understand why I put myself through this time and time again.. but, I guess thats what goes with an ED. I found myself reverting back to an old habit that I SWORE to myself I would never do again.. and i'm a bit disappointed that I did.... Water Loading. I drink and ate before my most recent Dr. appt so I would be at the weight she wanted me at... I even wore a shirt under my gown. :/ The plan was that if I was at that weight for two appointments in a row, she would give me ADD meds... and once I had them I would be allowed to take my drivers test. I really did try to meet that goal.. but I fell short.. and I didn't want to let anyone down.. so I figured lying was the best way. Rational thinking? I think NOT. Water loading is a messy road to go down.. and I know now that it probably wasn't the best idea.. but I think it will encourage me to make sure at my next appointment, the number is legit.. and I have a couple weeks to make that come true!

In other news.. my mom is moving back in and my dad is moving back out! WOOOO, love the stability in my family!! Dysfunctional?? PSH! NO, NEVER! :P

Alrighty kiddies, thats all for now.. its almost 3am! wow.. 3 hours till I get up :x yikes.
Hope you all have an AMAZING sunday!!! I'm hoping I will too!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GOSH, i'm so excited!!!!! :D

xoxo
-A <3

Blast from the past.. well.. a few months ago.. and Update on NOW :)

Hey all!!!

Very short quick post because I PROMISED (on my formspring, and on here) that I would be posting more often, and I think if I wait any longer I will definitely be breaking that promise!

I've been procrastinating a post for a long as possible because I usually only like to post if I have fashion pics to go with it.. but.. I haven't wanted to take any pictures of myself recently (since florida) because I guess it was a little picture overload there, and I got really self conscious... so.. hopefully by the next post i'll have some updated outfits for you all!! I did go on this giant shopping spree the other day and I have a few pics of some of the things I bought.. but I can't find the pluggy thing that connects my camera to the computer.. so my camera is holding those pics hostage at the moment.

Sooo, not tooo much to post about because I said so freaking much in my last post.. I probably should have split that up or something.. but anywhooo..

As I mentioned, I did go on a bitttt of a shopping spree at the Mall with my friends J and R. It was really fun.. a super great day actually. I took my favorite kickboxing class in the morning, went to the mall and shopped all day, then came home and watched a movie with my friend J. AHHHH, soo great :) The only sad part is I now have no money :( haha.

I also saw Eclipse the other day... WOOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to see it a few more times so I can reallly remember it ( I think it might be wise to wait for it to come out on DVD rather then spending like 50 $ so I can see it 5 times), but from what I remember, it was great! haha

Just for the sake of feeling like I have to put pictures on my blog, here are some pics from when I was in Paris that apparently I never put up? why you ask? no clue.. haha, they were intended to go up, but I guess I had so many that I never got the chance for these ones..







So YEAH! thats Paris.. from over Spring break.. I guess, middle of March.

BACK TO THE NOW.

Things have been going pretty well. I've started seeing my Dr. every two weeks.. which is a bit of a bummer because I had finally gotten her to let me come every month.. but, I guess I need the extra support right now. (i'm going to try to get it back to ever 3 weeks soon though!!) As I think I mentioned in my last post (pretty sure but I always forget.. even though I re-read it.. haha) that I did have a mini relapse this summer, so getting back from that has been a bit challenging, but i'm still truckin! I have gotten the OK to go to Kiawah ( South Carolina ) to visit my half sister and her family (as I mentioned before) so that was super exciting!!! :D I leave on Sunday and stay until Saturday.. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I am, however, really nervous about how it will be food wise and exercise wise. I've taken my over exercising down A LOT, so i'm really proud of myself for that, but whenever I go for long periods of time with out scheduled exercise (a week is what I consider a long period of time.. haha) I come home and go crazyyyyyyy.. IDK WHY!!! Its like I feel like I need to make up for all the exercise I didn't do, or.. in a way, I feel like it gives me an excuse to over do it because I think " well, I didn't work out for a whole week, so its ok if I do an extra couple hours, because I didn't do ANY for 5 days!) probably not the right mindset, which is why i'm hoping i'll be able to squeeze in a bit while i'm there... its just the uncertainty that makes me nervous. I'm also nervous about the food aspect because i'm going to be eating all of my meals with people... none are going to be on my own, and every night they have family dinners. I'm just worried that they are going to try to push me to eat things i'm not comfortable with, or make comments that won't be all that helpful. They've never had to deal w/ anyone with an eating disorder before, so this is new and scary for them.. and they had a bit of hesitation for me to come visit, which kind of makes me feel this added pressure to make sure I do everything right. I'm hoping they give me a good amount of freedom to make my own choices with food.. but again, the uncertainty makes me really nervous/ anxious. HOWEVER, I need to keep in mind that they are my family and are just trying to help.. and I love and miss them, so I need to try to put this ED aside and enjoy myself in the time that I have with them.

Now on to, THERAPY DRAMA. There was a bit of drama with my new therapist last session.. which is a bummer because I really liked her and didn't want to have to give her an ultimatum. The issue was about weight. Go figure an ED person getting in a fight with her T over weight, but thats exactly what happened. Not so much a number problem, just the fact that I was being weighed... further explanation would probably help you understand what the heck i'm talking about! I signed a weight contract with her, and in this contract it said that she had my permission to weigh me in one of our sessions every week (I have 2 sessions a week). Well, this was all fine and dandy with me when I first signed it because I figured " I like this therapist, and i'm not going to walk away because of a stupid weight contract.. so i'll stick it out and hopefully be able to handle it"... well.. this thought was FALSE. I was not able to handle it, and quickly realized that getting weighed by my therapist every week, and weighed by my DR. every 3 weeks was making me OBSESSED with the scale again. I always had a problem with weighing myself multiple times a day.. and the only way I was able to start recovery and gain weight last year was by stopping myself from constantly stepping on the scale, and only being weighed once a month at my Dr. visits. Remembering this, I decided I needed to tell my T that this plan we agreed on was doing more damage then good, and I needed out of it ASAP.. *big buzzer noise* WRONG* YEAH.. not that easy. Her answer.. to sum it up.. was NO.. so that was a bit disappointing to say the least. We left the session on good terms ( because that was at the beginning) but the weight issue was not resolved. I REALLY didn't want to leave her as a therapist because I really liked her.. but I felt like I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I didn't know what to do because the whole point of therapy is to GET HELP, and that was the opposite of what was happening. I ended up sending her a text ( I Hateeeeeeeeeeeee with a capital H talking on the phone to anyone other then my friend Ali.. idk why.. haha) saying that if we couldn't work something out, I was going to have to find another therapist :( ... SUCCESS!!! I went in today for my next appointment to discuss this matter, and she said that as long as I was getting weighed by my Dr. I wouldn't have to be weighed by her anymore. WOOO!!!!! I WIN!!!! lol. Does anyone else feel a lot of anxiety when their weighing routine.. ie being weighed by their Dr. or N every X weeks changes, or becomes more often? I DOOOOOO! But, problem solved, and now I just have to work on not weighing myself at home anymore.

Food wise things have been good.. since I started seeing my N, i've been trying really hard to follow my weight gain MP.. some days have been harder then others.. especially the days that I step on the scale and see that its working.. AHH!!! >.< but I know thats the point, and I want to be healthy, so I need to except the change, and focus on doing the right thing. Plus.. if I make my weight for two weigh ins strait I get to be put on different ADD meds (ones that will ACTUALLY work, not the stupid ones I was put on because I have and ED and they didn't want me to lose)... YIPPYYYYY :) and once i'm on them, i'm allowed to get my drivers license... DOUBLE YIPPYYYY!!! So only good things will come from me gaining.. I MUST keep that in mind. I'm a bit worried, however, that the meds could cause me to lose weight.. which will kind of ruin everything.. but, I wont know until I try, and I want my brain to be able to focus so I am able to drive!!!

Alrighty chickies, its almost 12:00 am, and I wanted to post this before the day ends, so I'll talk to you all soon!!!!

Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

I'm alive, don't abandon my blog yet, lots of things to say and show you!!! :P

Hey everyone!!! I have LOTSSSSSSSSS of pics coming up in this post from my vacation!!!! wooo!!! this is going to be like a mini story book.. so get ready!! I'll start out with some pictures of before I left for Florida, the look of the day...

light blue ruffle tank from... some store in London, black belt, black high waisted shorts, black arm cover up thing.. kinda like a half cardi I guess?




.... next, second look.. from the second day in florida.. on my balcony :) ... Long tee with design from a store in Paris, cropped leggings, and same half cardi black thingy.. haha






I'm actually at the air port right now, but I felt really bad about not posting for weeks, so I thought a quick update with some pics was better then nothing :) Before I do that though... SORRY FOR MY LACK OF POSTING!!!! I usually try to update at least once a week, and promise I will get back to doing that again this week! :)

Reasons for lack of posting:

a) I had lots going on, and posting was the last thing on my mind.
b) Started with a new therapist and didn't feel the need to write things down because I was talking them all out! :) marvelous how that works.
c) I was exercising too much to want to sit down and write.. Blah I know, not good.. but noticed the WAS in that statement as I will soon elaborate on.
d) I started seeing my Dr. more often, so that plus therapy made my ED the last thing I wanted to talk about.
e) I was busy getting ready to graduate High school!!! WOOT WOOT

Alright, 5 reasons of why I didn't post is enough, now on to the update!!

Wow the last time I posted was the first day in June.. and now its pretty much the end.. a lot has happened!!

I like lists.. so i'm going to make another.. lol

1. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! I honestly was really scared I wasn't going to graduate because of all the school that i've missed.. especially because freshman year was really the only one I had good attendance and was there the whole year! My parents kept saying all year, "it will be a miracle if you graduate"... and when I finally did.. all they wrote on my card was.. " we didn't think you would graduate, way to go!"... ha, NICE. But true. I'm so glad to be done with high school.. honestly, this was the worst time in my life, so I can't wait to start a new chapter!! I really want to start this new phase of my life with ED behind me... which brings me to my second number on the list...

2. I lapsed.. pretty much the day after graduation things just went down hill. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because I had more free time? Maybe its because I realized its summer and I have to wear shorts and other clothes that I haven't worn since last year? Maybe its because i'm secretly freaking out about the next chapter of my life.. not knowing exactly what i'm going to do. Lots of thoughts swirling through my mind.. and the way I decided to deal with it was to fill my days with exercise. I started seeing a therapist twice a week though, and I really like her! She worked at the Spring Lane Renfrew, so it was nice to be able to talk to her about that.. and over all I just felt like she was a helpful person to talk to. The only down side is that we made a weight contract, and she weighs me once a week.. which drives me CRAZY!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE being weighed by other people. I hate seeing my weight, I hate when others see my weight, and I hate knowing that my numbers are out in the universe. I just hate it all together. I feel like if I were never weighed, It would really help my recovery. I can't do blind weights because it drives me crazy to have someone else know my weight when I don't.. so I always have to look. I also hate how I get weighted during the day, or at night, with all my clothes on and after meals. akjshgajkhs w/e, enough about that, but thats the only downfall to my enjoyment in our appointments. Hopefully that wont last forever.. especially since i've put myself on a weight gain meal plan!.. which brings me to my third number on the list..

3. My Dr. told me I couldn't go away and visit my family in South Carolina (Kiawah) if I didn't gain weight... I REALLY WANT TO SEE THEM!.. hence, weight gain is a must. No, i'm not a fan, and no, I don't think I need to gain, but if thats what it takes to spend time with my family then so be it. ( and my parents wont be there, so thats even more of a reason to want to go!!!! :P haha) I left for florida the last friday, and am coming home tonight, so I was here for 8 days.. and during those 8 days, I took that as an opportunity to get on track. No exercise, tripled my cals, added two supplements, and away we go. Lemme just say, gaining weight while wearing a bathing suit everyday.. not fun. But, oh well!! I feel like being away from home is the only way I can get back on track. I'm really afraid to go home now though.. :( I do so well when i'm away from home, but once I get back, I can't help but fall back into my old patterns. I'm also really scared to go back to my Dr... I know she told me to gain.. but I always feel guilty when I do what she says... does anyone else feel like that..?? haha. I do agree that I should gain so my brain functions better.. which brings me to number 4 on the list...

4. I have noticed that my ADHD or ADD ( idk which I have) has gotten a lot worse.. I feel like I can't even function!!! I can't drive because my mind wonders off into LaLa land and its pretty scary to drive when you're not fully present. So i'm either in La La land or OCD land.. where I start counting the lines on the streets, looking at license plates and counting how many of them start with certain letters.. the list goes on and on.. and now i'm scared to get my license because I don't feel like its safe for other people on the road.. I don't want to hurt anyone :/ I'm also always in a fog... I walked into the mens room TWICE while in florida.. and the worst part is I didn't notice until I came out of the stall and saw a man in the urinal!!! ugh. *totally embarrassing* I also got lost and couldn't find my way back to my room at the resort.. just call me ms. disaster. I'm hoping that my mind will snap out of it.. or back "in it" (because i'm out of it.. ha, pun.. ha....ok.. :P ) soon, because its not fun!!.. speaking of not fun.. on to number 5...

5. BRACES. I got bottom braces.. AGAIN. Why? because one tooth was out of place... erg. >.< most pointless reason to get braces again!!!...but my mom insisted.. so.. I now have metal glued to my teeth once again.. JOY.... which brings me number 6.. something that was ACTUALLY joyful!! :)

6. RENFREW REUNION!!!! yay :) A couple weekends ago was the Renfrew yearly reunion. It was really nice to see staff members, therapists, and friends that i've missed sooo much!!! I actually found going to the groups to be very helpful and motivating, as well as seeing my friends. Yes, it was triggering at times to see patients, or people that are clearly not doing well.. but for the most part, it was a very inspiring experience and i'm so glad I went!! I even saw my therapist there and took one of her groups :) I also got to connect with a couple girls that I had talked to online but never met up in person before. One of them, M, I was sooooo excited to meet up with!! She ended up staying the night, and we went to a group that was held at Renfrew the next day. LOVED meeting up with her, and were planning on her coming back really soon!!! She is amazing, such a good friend, and i'm so glad that we meshed well together. We actually talked pretty much every day before meeting up.. so it was nice to be able to put a voice to the face! Can't wait till she comes back to visit. :) Now.. for my totally random number 7... but first, a few more pics from my florida trip.. gotta spread them out a bit!!! haha

These pics are from when my sister and I went parasailing...






... alright, on to number 7..

7. This is something that just happened today.. Has anyone ever cried as a result of an awful manicure? anyone? anyone? Well, I would be the last person to cry about it.. but, lemme tell ya, it was pretty freaking hard to hold back these tears. Let me explain... So, I went to this salon in florida where a mani and pedi together was 28 dollars. That should have been the first warning sign.. thats super cheep. BUT, I love a good deal so I was ALLLL for it. We go in, and right away I got a bad vibe from the place.. no one was friendly.. no one even said Hi.. we walked up to the man at the desk, and he just looked at us. Just stared. So my sister and I stared back.. because.. we'll.. we thought he'd say something! haha. Then we asked if he had time for two mani and pedis.. he waited a few seconds then said yes.. then nothing. Again, everyone staring at everyone. Strange. But w/e. With out giving you the play by play in complete detail, my sister and I went to our seats, sat down, and waited for the people to come over. Basically.. my lady was a disaster. This was the most unsanitary place I have ever been to. Let me just list ( yes another list, bare with me) all the things that happened..

1. she wore extremely dirty, used gloves. Idk what she was doing in those gloves, but the fingers had brown all over them.. gross.
2. She took out the "tools".. and they were totally not sterilized.. I didn't even see any sterilizing machines around.
3. She didn't clean the soaking bowl.. she dumped out the old water, and just re-filled it.. ew?
4. While she was filing my nails.. she stopped to wax someones eyebrows and ring people up.. so she was all up in the money drawer with her dirty ass gloves, and then came back over and continued to file.. c'omon lady!
5. She didn't even noticed I still had nail polish on and didn't bother to take it off.. I had to ASK her if she would..
6. She did a shitty ass job filing my nails.. they were crooked and snagable.. so when she went to wax someones eyebrows, I re-filed them myself.
7. When she took out the buffer and "buffed" my nails.. she didn't even look at what she was doing and started buffing my knuckles!!!
8. She sent me to wash my hands ( I decided to use scolding water so I could feel like I was killing as lest SOME germs) and I saw her clipping her cuticles with the tool she used on me, wiped it off with her gloves, and stuffed it back in the drawer!!! Proving my non-sterilized theory.
9. When she did the "hand massage" she put lotion on.. rubbed the top of my hand.. and told me to go rinse off. nice massage.
10. She kept scratching her nose and face with her gloves.. ugh.. at this point I was so grossed out by everything.. I just started tearing up!
Mind you, it takes a lot for me to cry, and it wasn't the fact that my nails looked like shit, it was how unclean I felt! I really didn't expect that great of a job, or great service since it was so cheap, but I never expected them to be so unclean and unfriendly.. even my sister was displeased with how they treated her and the job they did. Needless to say, I decided to skip the pedicure after that and waited outside. I'm so embarrassed for crying when I told my mom what a bad job they did.. but it was the weirdest feeling.. I just felt like crawling out of my skin, so dirty and upset that I didn't walk away when I saw her whip out those tools. Idk, maybe I over reacted.. maybe it was because of my OCD.. but, w/e it was, I still have this feeling that I need to shower a couple times.. haha.

MORE PICS!!!! haha :P... this is from our little fishing trip!







Alright, kiddos, I feel like I can't leave off with my last topic being about nail polish melt downs.. so, what else can I tell you about... hmm.. Well, I'll just tell you what i'm excited for this summer. AND YES, i'm making one last list.. :D I really feel the need for organization right now.. haha. Family vacations are very much, go with the flow, no planning, or planning and things changed all the time.. it drives me nuts! I want a plan, a schedule, and I want to stick to it! I hate uncertainty.
k, so things i'm excited for...
1. The next twilight movie to come out!!! ECLIPSE!!
2. Getting home and back into my life! Working out ( healthily), Seeing my friends, working... planning my days! haha
3. Trying more fear foods! I had a LOT of them while I was on vacation, and I really want to keep challenging myself with different foods once I come home.
4. Seeing my half sister, her husband, and two daughters in South Carolina!!! ( Kiawah )
5. Staying with one of my best friends in NY, A!!!!!.. and possibly seeing some of my other amazing friends that live there.. hopefully my lovie, B :)
6. Having another great friend come visit me FROM NY, M!!!!
7. Relaxing and enjoying my summer!
8. Continuing therapy and kicking ED in the asssss
9. Working on my tan, and having my hair get lighter :) I love the summer and its magical power of turning your hair blonde :P
10. Getting new ADD meds!! WOOO!!! I'm excited to be able to focus, and then get my license.. which will lead to FREEDOM!!

Last few pics..... one of these pics I was a bit hesitant to put up.. its me in the top of a bathing suit... I didn't really show my body, but, idk..




...I'm not sure if i'll keep that picture up or not.( EDIT---> I actually took the pic down.) I truly have mixed feelings about pictures of me in a bathing suit in general. On one hand, I feel like I look really healthy in them, and want to show everyone how well i'm doing.. but on the other hand.. I realize may not look as normal as I think. Idk, I put them on facebook and got a bunch of conflicting comments thrown at me, people saying I look great, others saying I dont... so I don't know what to think. Its weird.. because Its not that I think i'm "fat" its that I think I look healthy.. which I translate to different words such as beefy, huge, and fat. But if anyone were to ask me, do you think I'm fat, I would say no.. but then if you ask me if I look healthy, I would say fat. IDK!!! does anyone else have a problem like that?? Like you know you aren't "fat" but you don't think your thin, or skinny, or petite, or any cute little word. Blah.. I've always struggled with body image and wearing too many layers.. so one of the challenges I gave myself was to have one day that I would try to act like a normal person... take pictures with my sister before we went to the beach, and I would wear the top of my bathing suit as appose to the shirt and shorts I always wear over it. The whole thing is too much for me.. so I feel like just the top is a start! Idk, i'm glad I did it and I now have pictures to look back on.. but after we got back and showered I went right back to my sweatshirt and leggings.. much more comfy! ( 6 $ sweatshirt mind you!!! what a deal!)

OKEEDOKEE, thats enough for now.. seeing as this is a really long post!!!!... which I started in the air port, and finished at home.. hehe :) This may be my longest post ever... WOWWWW, and the most pictures i've ever posted... GOOD LUCK READING IT ALL!!!! haha. I'll save my artsy photos from my trip for the next post.

Talk to you soon lovies, hope everyone is well!!!

Stay strong, keep fighting, and enjoy your summer!!!!

xoxo
- A <3