I just wanted to give you all a quickly little update and fill you in on LIFE before I go away to KIAWAH ( South Carolina ) to visit my family for a week.
Before I get into the update, here are some pics I took with my friend when we went into the city.. ( not NYC ) These are actually pics I took before I met up with her.. specifically so I would have some fashion bloggy pics for you all to look at!! haha, and a few from the city.
Floral high waisted skirt, black belt, black footless tights, black J crew flip flops, black tank top, black Coach bag, long chunky Lucky brand necklace, and oversized sunglasses.
This is gonna be a shorttttttt post, because its almost 2:30 am and I should be sleeping since i'm waking up in a few hours!!
I went shopping again.. ahhh!!! TOTALLY need to stop shopping because I now have NO money... but we were in the city.. HOW DO YOU NOT SHOP IN THE CITY?!?! answer- YA DON'T. ( sorry i'll use I statements... I <----- DON'T)... and H&M was having a killer sale that I just NEEDED to take part in. Ya know.. do my part in supporting the economy and all. :P
I've had a buttloaddddddd of appointments this week.. almost two every day with various Drs and what not... but nothing that was all that memorable to share with you.. haha
My therapist and I have been talking a lot about body image.. I feel like thats one of the main things keeping me stuck in my ED. Its hard to see something that no one else can see.. ( or wont admit to see )... and be able to accept that. I mentioned this on a question I got on my formspring a while back, but something my therapist said I found to be really interesting. I can't remember word for word what it was, but it was something like..
" You will never be able to see yourself the way others do. You will never be able to see your full self in 3D. Every time you look in a mirror, picture, video.. its all 2 dimensional.. and the brain likes to see things in 3D, so if it can't, it will make the rest up. Because you will never be able to see yourself the way your brain wants you too ( 3D )... you will NEVER know how others see you. You'll NEVER be able to see the real you.. only a partial correct version.. while the rest is made up."
.... interesting isn't it? Ever think of it that way? I didn't.
Recently, i've been finding it more and more difficult to accept myself and my body, and come to terms with the inevitable... weight gain. >.< boo. Not pleased, not looking forward to it, not enjoying the process. Overall i'm just not a HUGE fan. Which must sound odd since everyone TOTALLY looks forward to weight gain. Idk. I've been pretty mad at myself for getting back to a place where this is even necessary. Its so stupid. I KNOW THE CYCLE BY NOW, WHY CAN'T I BRAKE IT!?! Weight loss= Weight gain... the only way to not deal with weight gain is to NOT LOSE WEIGHT!!! DUHHH!!!!!!! I need to stop thinking that losing weight will make me happy or like my body.. because even if it DOES bring me those things... it wont last because i'll have to gain it back! Its just stupid, and logically I don't understand why I put myself through this time and time again.. but, I guess thats what goes with an ED. I found myself reverting back to an old habit that I SWORE to myself I would never do again.. and i'm a bit disappointed that I did.... Water Loading. I drink and ate before my most recent Dr. appt so I would be at the weight she wanted me at... I even wore a shirt under my gown. :/ The plan was that if I was at that weight for two appointments in a row, she would give me ADD meds... and once I had them I would be allowed to take my drivers test. I really did try to meet that goal.. but I fell short.. and I didn't want to let anyone down.. so I figured lying was the best way. Rational thinking? I think NOT. Water loading is a messy road to go down.. and I know now that it probably wasn't the best idea.. but I think it will encourage me to make sure at my next appointment, the number is legit.. and I have a couple weeks to make that come true!
In other news.. my mom is moving back in and my dad is moving back out! WOOOO, love the stability in my family!! Dysfunctional?? PSH! NO, NEVER! :P
Alrighty kiddies, thats all for now.. its almost 3am! wow.. 3 hours till I get up :x yikes.
Hope you all have an AMAZING sunday!!! I'm hoping I will too!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GOSH, i'm so excited!!!!! :D
xoxo
-A <3
Hey Lovie,
ReplyDeleteI love your outfit your wearing its gorgeous, just like you :)
I'm glad you had a nice time catching up with your friend, and a lovely shopping trip. It would be wrong to live in the city and not shop. right!? Id do it every day if i had the chance ;p
The thing your therapist said about 3D body image, that's such a positive way to look at your body and help you to understand through recovery, I'm going to try and think about that over the next few weeks. :)
Water loading, there isn't anything you can do about it now, so don't feel guilty, it was a very ED thing to do, but we learn from our mistakes and from what I can see is that you will try extra hard to be more true to yourself, you have to do it for yourself honey. I believe you can do it. :)
Have an amazing time in south Carolina :D
Lots of love
Jess xxx
Sorry I am getting to read this so late, you are probably back from vacation already!! Anyway, I just want to let you know that I know how you feel with the weight gain. We both know it sucks, but is completely necessary. Keep pushing through, you can do this.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
Scott