1. I really shouldn't be posting at all right now... ( I have sooo much homework, but instead I'm being the true procrastinator that I am, and fooling around on blogspot and facebook.... WHOOPS!!!) :P2. I have so many pics from the trip that I wana show you, and I'm having a lot of trouble deciding which ones to choose!!! haha
....To follow up with my previous little "sneak peak" post, (I'm not gonna do a "looks" post because this one is so long, but I will in the next one!)I went on a mini 3 day cruise to the Bahamas over spring break (with my family)... and then spent another 3 days visiting my grandparents in florida. (i'll put my florida pics in the next post)
These are some pics I took of the shippppp
....The weather was soooo beautiful!!! As weird as it is going to sound, the mini cruise was actually very challenging for me to enjoy at first, but only because they didn't have any vegan, and hardly any vegetarian meal options, (unless I wanted to literally only eat fruits and veggies the ENTIRE TIME) so it was kind of stressful to figure out what to have. I thought about it, and really, I had two options, please my ED and stay vegan, while DEF. getting off track with my recovery, or go against my ED and eat the foods I haven't had the courage to have for 8 months... to me, the second was the much harder option. The more I thought about it, I realized I truly only had ONE option. If I want to recover, any chance I have to de-rail my recovery and slip back is NOT an option.... The first day or two I was so angry at myself for struggling with the food. Now I actually see it as a good thing that they really didn't accommodate veganism, because it forced me to step outside my comfort zone and face my fears... which is something I wouldn't have been able to do on my own, I really needed that outside "push". Needless to say, I did end up breaking my nearly 8 month vegan streak!!!!!... which is both exciting and guilt inducing at the same time.These are a couple pics from the deck of the ship and a pic from our room... I'm a great packer!! :P ( I cropped my sister out of the ones with me because I wasn't sure if she would want to be on my blog..)
Heres some pics from our (I shared a room with my sister) rooms balcony on the ship..
....As far as not being a vegan anymore (although I'm still a vegetarian)... part of me felt guilty for breaking it because I felt like, by breaking it by eating dairy foods again, I was being weak... like I should have stuck with it and made it to one full year (since I was only a few months away). HOWEVER, I keep telling myself that I shouldn't have been living a vegan lifestyle to begin with because its too restrictive, so I should be proud of myself for finally challenging that fear of eating dairy again. Although I can acknowledge that I did break that 8 month totally vegan streak and eat dairy... its been hard for me to continue to allow myself to stray from only vegan foods. I've gone out twice (since I've been home from vacation) to get frozen yogurt with people, but other then that, I haven't been able to continue to push myself to eat dairy or any other foods that are not vegan or vegetarian. BUT, HEY, ITS A START, RIGHT?!?! :D...These are a few pics I took of the marine life at the Atlantis resort (we spent the day there in the water park and went swimming with dolphins!)
Little update on me: Things, to be honesty, are not going to well in terms of my recovery. Despite all of the hard work I'm putting in and the fears i've faced in order to conquer my ED.... I realized when I weighed myself the other day that i've slipped backwards. To my surprise, instead of sort of feeling good about the weight loss like I use to feel, I actually felt so discouraged and upset at myself for allowing this to happen and not noticing I was slipping. When I saw that number, I felt like a failure. My Dr. and team put so much trust in me when they said I wouldn't have to see them weekly anymore, and I was excited to finally prove to everyone that I could do this and recover on my own.. so seeing that number not at the spot it was suppose to be was pretty upsetting. Many thoughts went through my head.. but mainly it was the fear of telling my team and friends that I need help again... I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me. :( .... Since this has now been brought to my attention, I'm doing everything I can to get back on track on my own, but I'm still having trouble reaching out to people. I know I need to come clean and let people know I'm struggling.. but I can't seem to find the courage to tell anyone!!!! I did, however, message one of my friends yesterday about needing a bit of help and let her know I was struggling.. so its a start I suppose. I just really want to recover.... I'm so tired of putting so much energy into recovery, only to slip backwards... its like running up a giant hill with recovery on my back, only to trip and roll half way back down the hill. Hopefully, this time I'll be able to pick myself back up with the will to recover on my back, make it to the top of the hill, and FINALLY RECOVER!!!.. yes, corny, but it makes sense! Alright, now for a little fun, heres a few more pics I took of Atlantis and the ship's private Island in the Bahamas..
I'd like to end this post with a few more Bahama photos I took, as well as a few quotes that I've been looking over recently as a way to help me feel inspired, and try to remove some of the guilt I have for slipping backwards again. I hope at least one of these quotes will inspire you all as well!!!
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
"The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize."
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed."
"Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
"There is no failure except in no longer trying."
