PROM and Trainers.. fun stuff!

Heylooo lovies!

I wana start out by saying... I WANT A MARC JACOBS BAG SO BADLY!! GAHH!! lol ok just had to say that. Marc Jacobs and Chanel are two of my fav. designers.. and I totally can't afford them :( I guess I could afford a less expensive MJ bag.. but I would feel so guilty for spending like $300, or $400 on a bag!! YIKES!! If anyone knows of a place I could get a gently used MJ bag.. I would love to hear your suggestions :D

Ok, on to more pressing matters... I GOT A PROM DRESS!!! (pictured underneath) This is a major accomplishment.. but prom is a couple months away, so i'm going to keep my options open and not do any alterations for a little while. Dress shopping is soooo stressful for me because I never fit into dresses. I'm short 5'3... and apparently petite??? the only time I actually acknowledge that i'm not actually ginormous is when I try on the smallest dress size, and it still doesn't fit. I really just don't understand it... How can I feel so huge, but be a small clothing size? ED baffles me. The worst part is, that even with a small size on, I STILL feel fat! WHAT?? that pisses me off.. I feel like either the size is wrong, or I just happen to be the one that a 00 makes me look fat and no one else. Its frustrating because its like.. ok.. so if fitting into a smaller size doesn't make me feel small.. what will?? what is it going to take for me to feel comfortable in my skin???? ANSWER---> a personal trainer. oy, I know right?!?! When I was in Renfrew my mom set me up with a personal trainer.. and I relapsed shortly after... not saying thats why, thats just what happened. I am friends with this trainer, and shes going to be working with my nutritionist.. so I think it should be fine. I'm just a little worried because I do have a problem with over exercising.. but I guess since they will be monitoring me, I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not trying to lose weight or anything.. just tone up. I need to feel better about myself, and feel comfortable in my body.. so I think adding some muscle definition may help with that.. and help me accept the weight i've gained. Idk... thoughts?





Clothing has recently been a major trigger to me. I'm really having trouble dealing with the fact that some of my clothes are fitting me.. and not hanging off. I hate feeling like clothes are "touching me" ya know.. like not really really flowyyy. Idk.. I still have clothes from 8th grade and I just don't want to get rid of them because they still fit me.. but I feel like keeping them is also keeping me stuck in my ED. I should not still fit into my middle school clothing, nor want to be able to.. so I really should start to try to get rid of some of it.. its just hard :/ .....

Since trying on clothes makes me hate my body.. and just feel really low.. I decided to treat myself to this ADORABLE coral-y, orange-y patent leather quilted Kate spade bag! LOVVEEEE!!!



Side note- I have these dark chocolate calcium circles.. 500mg of calcium in each.. so its a really healthy treat!!




POSITIVE NOTE--> I'm doing really well food wise, despite my horrid body image atm :) Totally meeting my cals, challenging myself with new foods everyday, and trying to stay positive.

How is everyone?? Hope you are all doing well.. and happy NEDA WEEK!!!... i'm a bit late on that... haha.
Oh, lastly.. i've been getting a lot of questions on my formspring about my ED and self harm.. and for some reason.. idk, I kind feel like its my own little form of therapy! I feel like i'm actually helping people by answering their questions, and explaining some things about EDs.. It kinda makes me feel like I want to do something in that line of work.. like an advice columnist, therapist, or life coach.. idk. Just a thought :)

EDIT: don't forget to check out this awesome giveaway!!

http://moretolifethanlettuce.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/my-1st-giveaway-bars-and-books/#comment-3554

Have an AMAZING week my beautiful girlies, stay strong, and keep battling on my little ED warriors!! <3
xoxo
-A <3

you should really do some butt exercises...

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

ERM... so I know I said I would post the night of the other post.. but I fell asleep.. and since then have been really busy! :) haha, I'm actually still really busy and only have time for a quick post, but.. my NEXT post will be long and adorable, as always :) :P

First thing, I wana ask a question. A SERIOUS QUESTION MIND YOU!!... ok.. so, fellow bloggers... do any of you find yourselves THINKING to yourself as if you are writing a blog post...???? lol. Because that happened to me all day. Maybe because I felt guilty for not posting yesterday when I had so many things I wanted to talk about, or maybe i'm just getting use to narrating my life?.. idk, but I find myself going about my day.. and thinking in a way that is like a blog post. I hope that made sense and I dont sound crazy.. haha.

Second thing.. Cacao Power ( sweet raw chocolate nibs)= FREAKIN AWSOME.. just saying.. i've had them with my breakfast every morning since.. two days ago.. haha

Third thing, I CAN CHEW AGAIN!!! WOOOO!!! I got my stitches out from my wisdom teeth, so no more torture of not being able to eat an apple or a salad ever again!! :D... This also means that I am back on track with meeting my cals and everything, which I am super excited about.. because I hate getting off track!




This forth and last thing has been on my mind for a while... I was working out at the gym, and one of the personal trainers said to me " do you know how to do butt exercises? did I show you how to do them?" and I was like... uh.. idk? and she was like " you should really do them to get your butt in shape."..... now.. this could just be me and my distorted eating disorder self.. but.. did she just call me fat?? say I have a bit butt? need to work out more?? chances are she said that because I don't really have a butt and she thought I might want to actually try to achieve one... EVEN STILL.. DON'T COMMENT ON MY BUTT, LADY!!! >.< now i'm all butt conscious.. -_- rawr

Alright.. 4 things.. thats all i'll leave you with for now.. I would say that i'll write a big post tonight.. but I have to babysit again and idk that i'll be able to.. but if not, possibly tomorrow!

Have a great safe, healthy, and happy day everyone!!!
xoxo
-A <3

LA LA LA LA LA!!! sing a song?? OK!

Quicky post.. i'm gonna post again later tonight that actually say's something haha. So I was thinking about what makes me happy, and what often puts me in a better mood.. and there really are a couple things. One that I think i'm gonna share with you today is SINGGGGGGGGG.. LA LA LA LA LA!!!!! :P Yeah, I uploaded this on my facebook a while ago.. and I figured, EH, what the hay, this is a recovery blog, and thats something that helps me get through the ruff days. Music can touch your soul and totally change your mood.. so give it a try!! when your feeling kinda down.. listen to a really happy, sing along kinda song, and when you feel like you need to cry, put on a song with words that touch your heart and bring tears to your eyes. Ok so, i've made a lot of videos (not posted for other people to see though.. haha) so this is like one in a series.. which is why the very beginning probs wont make sense. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing.. lol...this video is not very good.. and I made it when I was sick so pardon my appearance.. and its Acapella... and oy just don't judge to harshly!! haha Ok, i'm gonna just go for it! GAH!!

(I tried to upload it on here but It wasn't working.. so this is the link to it on my facebook.. and then I decided to add the other one that I made for my friend when she was sick.. so there are two singing videos.. yeah.. lol)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1197500025156&subj=1458151017

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1199103505242&subj=1458151017

Until later tonight!! :D Hope everyones day is going well so far.. I have much to talk about.. :P
xoxo
-A <3

mischievous monday? nah, marvelous monday! :P

HAPPY MONDAY MY LITTLE BLOGGETS!!

Lets start with where I left off on saturday.. I believe it was right after I informed ya'll about babysitting.

So I love babysitting these little girls, one is five and the other is ONE ...AWWWW, yeah so cute!!!! After putting the girlies to bed, I had a couple hours to chill.. and I new that I prob should have something food wise.. I was really going back and forth with what I should do, since I had decided that the meal I had when I got home from food shopping was all I was going to have for that day. I gave my self an hour to mull it over.. and then tricked myself a bit.. hehe. How did I trick myself you ask?? well.. I was like " ok, how about you just look at the foods they have, you don't have to eat anything, just go look" then I looked at all the food and saw all of the healthy organic options, and a lot of foods that I've always wanted to try. Then I was like " just have a little of some dried cranberries (dried fruit freaks me out.. its a bit of a fear food.. besides prunes and figs) and some organic wheat crackers." TA DA!.. that was the trick.. did you catch it?? :P yeah i'm slick. So, in the end, I had some dried cranberries, wheat crackers, some cereal,.. and I feel like there was something else but I don't remember.. haha. I knew that if I didn't trick myself to eat those foods last night, I would have ended the day only completing half of my meal plan, which is just not good enough!! SO, while I didn't reach it 100 %, I got very close, and i'm proud of myself :) I did struggle a bit with feeling like I was doing the wrong thing, so I spent a while talking to my friend G, and she helped me out A LOT. Thanks so much G!! <--- if you read my blog.. haha <3





Now, a brief recap of my sunday.. OY.
mmmmmmk, soooo, My plan was to get up at 9 and go to the gym to take a couple classes at 9:30.. yeah.. um, that didn't happen. haha. I woke up at 9 and was like.. um what?? I feel like I never feel asleep!! Peace out alarm clock, i'm going back to bed!! so I fell Asleep until 1:00 pm!!! i've never been able to sleep that late!.. I think my two hours of sleep the night before probably had something to do with that.. hehe Even though I woke up at one.. I was STILL sooo tired!... so I went up, had breakfast, and then rested till 4:00 when I went to the gym. Sounds like a nice day so far right?? WRONG. After I finished breakfast, I was chilling in the kitchen, browsing other blogs and what not.. and my sisters friend comes in the kitchen and offers me her pop tarts. My initial reaction was "helllll no girl, I just had my breakie".. although when actually said out loud it was more "no thanks".. :P haha. She left them on the counter and I got to thinking.. "I used to love these when I was really little.. I wish I could remember what they tasted like.. maybe I should challenge myself to have them?? I am going to the gym later so.. I might as well give it a go!".... ERM.. yeah ok so I did challenge myself and eat them, and that amazing feeling on conqureing something was nice.. but VERRRRYYYY short lived. :( UGH.. I didn't realize how many calories those little demons posses!!.. Thank you calorieking.com for sending me into an ED panic. ONCE AGAIN, my lovie G helped me sort out my feelings and try to move past that little bump in the road <3 Anywhoooo, changed into my gym clothes and was off to the gym.. and when I came home had a lovely dinner to finish out my meal plan... and spent pretty much the rest of the night talking to G. GOOD JOB A for making to decisions!! haha.

ON TO TODAYS POST!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!! ( not like the scary dun dun dun dun, the one with the trumpets... ya know?? hear it?? like when they are presenting a king or something.. yeah.. haha :P)

This morning I woke up at 10:00... ok really I should be waking up at 5:45 so I can get ready for school.. but whats one more day of fun in the grand scheme of things!!?? I do much better food wise when I don't go to school.. I end up restricting because I hate eating that early in the morning.. and I hate eating at school..and blah its just no fun.. so its nice to be able to relax and know i'm making good food choices. Alright ya'll, I need to tell you about my amazing breakfast that I encourage you all to try!!!! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??? Nut butter crepes and dark chocolate chips, a yogurt, and a strawberry "slushy" YUM!!! heres how I made it....

Nut butter crepes---> I took a pre-packaged carton of egg beaters (1/2 a cup per container) and split it into two 1/4c. Then I made one "crepe" out of the first 1/4 egg beater, and another out of the second. Once I finished, I put a tablespoon of nut butter on top and split it between the two. Then you just roll them up like a crepe and VOILLA! so YUMMY!!! ( I was going to put the dark chocolate chips inside, but decided to eat them separate.. :P)

Strawberry slushy------> 5 strawberries cut up, a cup of ice, and some water.. blend in the magic bullet and VOILLA AGAIN! A lovely strawberry slushy.. goes great with the crepes :)

Yogurt---> dannon light and fit apple pie yogurt... num num num

This pic I took is kinda how i'm feeling today.. the snow ( my ED cloud of doom) is clearing up, and the day look bright and promising! :D




So that was today's breakfast.. i'm very proud of myself for trying something new this morning.. although the choc chips made it a little scary.. it also made it more of a treat!

I think the rest of my day is going to look a little something like this.. getting dressed, ( its 1:00 pm and i'm still in my fuzzy soccer ball PJ bottoms and TJ sweatshirt :P) walking to some shops around my house, going to the gym about 4/ 430... and then afterwards coming home and having a nice relaxing night! My parents come home today ( they have been in florida since thursday... so nice of them to leave me alone with my sister right???? haha) so my relaxing might not ACTUALLY happen.. but i'm looking forward to today, and i'm very happy to say that I really feel like I'm finally back on track with things!!! :D

Hope everyone has a wonderful monday!! Love you all!! <3... and may I just say, I am so ADD that this post took me over an hour to write because I kept getting distracted.. but I love ya'll so much that I just had to finish!! True dedication right therrrr :P
xoxo
-A <3

Remember why you stopped doing that??

Bonjour mes amis!!
Would you like to know my current mood???? ohhh I bet you wouldddd


yeah. :P haha. well if you couldn't tell from the pic.. which you prob couldn't >.<, i'm a TAD BID FRUSTRATED.. mostly with myself.. and i'm freakin pissed at ED!!!

Lets talk about yesterday, (FRIDAY) shall we?? ok.. i'll write you read... that might work better. ;)
Sooo, ED has kindaa taken the wheel the past couple days, and yesterday really was no different. I tried to have breakfast.. which I did have some of.. but just lost all desire for it. I WANT CRUNCHY/ CHEWY FOOD!!! AKA apples, hummus wraps, salads, veggies, YUMMY FOODS THAT I LIKE. I'm so sick of everything else that i've been doomed to eat from lack of wisdom teeth. ( I swear I will stop talking about them being removed.. as soon as I can eat again :P.. until then I am exercising my right to complain about it!!!! RAWR!!) I figured "eh, bump in the road, i'll eat my snack/ lunch later and get back on track".. or not? Idk.. I ended up going to the gym in the late afternoon, and then afterwards, my friend picked me up and brought me to her campus (Arcadia) for our sleep over. <-- shout out to ELIZA who may possibly be going to this school next year!.. i'm there all the time visiting my friend who is a senior. Anywho, so yeah, we chill for a while and then, where do we go you ask?? To see The Vagina Monologues... uh.. yeah. Need I say more?? ANSWER: no. Alright, so then we meet up with our other friend and went back to K's appt. (BTW, I work with these two lovely girlies at the gym) The rest of the night consists of talking and relaxing... it was really nice :).. and at around 2 AM.. they decided they were FINALLY hungry for dinner and got food from KFC. Umm.. yeah.. three things wrong with this plan. 1. I don't eat fast food... obvi.. 2. I can't get anything because I can't chew, and 3. HELL NO AM I EATING AT 2:00AM!!... needless to say, I didn't partake in their festivities. Around 3:30.. K decided it was bed time.. so we went to bed.. and I fell asleep at around 4:00am.. only to be woken up at 6;30. WOOOO two and a half hours of sleep!!!! :D haha. Despite the food thing.. the night went well.. but I just wasn't mentally there. I was pretty drained, and realized if I had followed my meal plan, I would have felt SOOO much better, and enjoyed myself a lot more.

This pic I took walking home from school... this is kinda how I felt yesterday.. like that bench. Its surrounded by different things that are totally enjoyable (ie trees and such) and yet its lonely, empty and just blahhh at the same time.



Heres where I'm REALLYYYYY DISAPPOINTED with myself.. and Ed.

The next day (today) we woke up at 6:30 (as I previously stated) and got ready to go to the gym so she could teach her Pool class in an hour or so. Katie realizes... "umm.. you haven't eating in like XX hours.. if that.. YOU NEED BREAKFAST!".. :/ ugh if only I were normal and sentences like that didn't exsist in my life. BUT, they do, and this is how I dealt with it..
I agreed to have a yogurt (poored half out when she was in a dif room)
I agreed to have a piece of bread (crumbled it up and stuck it in my sleeve.. which is something I did in IP all the time.. :x haha)
I agreed to have ANOTHER higher cal yogurt because she wasn't satisfied with my total cals (proceeded to poor half that yogurt out as well.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????!?!?!! I'M SO OVER THAT BULLSHIT. I DO NOT HIDE FOOD ANYMORE, AND CERTAINLY DO NOT
DECEIVE MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT!!! ugh :( :( I can't believe I did that.. and the whole time I was like "remember why you stopped doing that??? BECAUSE ITS STUPID AND HURTS OTHERS AS WELL AS YOURSELF" .... I feel so guilty and awful about it.. I don't know what to do... but I just COULDN'T eat that food! idk why!!! My heart was beating so fast and I was SILENTLY freaking out the whole time.. :(.. I can't talk to her about it though because I'm scared i'll lose her as a friend.. and I honestly feel like since becoming friends with her, i've done the best EVER with my ED and recovery... and it would be awful to lose someone who has helped me so much. I really don't know what to do.. I can't ever let that happen again though, thats for sure.. because its not right, or fair to her. I'm a bad person >.< BLAH!! I hate disappointing people and letting them down.. but I also hate losing trust from people. Ugh, I swear if I screw up this friendship.. idk what i'm going to do ;'(

This pic I took near Staples.. this is what my future will if I keep treating people this way... a lonely fire hydrant on a side walk.



I did how ever, go food shopping with my nutritionist today, where I confessed to her how i've been struggling.. and she was nothing but supportive in helping me find foods to get back on track. When I got home, I made myself a large snack/lunch/dinner/snack (all combined.. lol) to help get back on track so that tomorrow will be easier to start all over.
So, I can say that i'm hopeful that tomorrow will be looking up for me in the EATS department.. because I really need to get my head back in the game and re-focus.. which I think I did a good job starting tonight. I'm babysitting tonight.. so that should be fun :) I love kids.. they are so cute and innocent.. oh to be young again.. *sigh* :P haha

Sorry this was such a downer post.. but I think it ended on a good note!! Thats my one blogging rule, all posts must end on a good note, even if I'm in an awful mood.. their is always time to change your day around!

Heres a happier pic I took.. still a lonely tree.. (gotta stick with the theme :P ) But it ebbs and flows in the wind, just like I need to do with change.. be more easy going.. go with the flow.... NOT freak out over the fact that my friends food was not MY food, and was their for deemed unsafe by ED. curse you ED and your none flowing ways! ;)




Hope everyone is healthy, happy and well!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.. remember, Sunday is a day of rest, so really enjoy YOURSELF tomorrow, and do some nice relaxing things for you. You girls are all amazing and deserve to fight.. so battle on my little ED warriors!! <3 :D

xoxo
-A

Its been a hard days night.. but ive been working like a DAWG!

Morning all!!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.. so I didn't really feel like posting.. But then today I thought it would be beneficial to go back and talk about what was going on with me.

SO, basically the past month or so i've really managed to find a groove with my meal plan, and get on track. I upped my cals a couple weeks ago, and while it was hard, ultimately I know its something I need to do if I want to get my Metabolism working again! ANYWHOO... Last week I got my wisdom teeth out ( no shocker there.. I already told ya'll this.. I just need to re-state it so I can get to my point.. :P haha) and ever since then.. HAKJFHDKJHFJKSHD chaos in meal plan world.



( My theme today is a road.. so this is me walking down one!! haha :P... you'll understand once you keep reading :D )

Before I got them out, I was contemplating restricting.. and I guess for the first couple days I did, but then I got back on track and was doing the cals I needed.. but with foods that I am NOT ok with.. so it was REALLLLLLY hard for me. I managed to do that for a couple days.. but ugh.. it all came crashing down yesterday. My body image has been SHIT.. but I suppose anyone who gains a substantial amount of weight would have a hard time adjusting to their new body. Its just hard.. I constantly feel like i'm in some elses body.. I just dont feel like ME.. and I even feel like I hold myself differently.. walk differently. :/ idk BLAH!! well.. that combined with my face being HUGE and swollen.. I was just supper triggered. My face kinda reminded me of when I was in IP and they made me get to a weight that I am just NOT comfortable at and can honestly say I will never get to again.. but yeah, so looking in the mirror.. dude I literally almost had a panic attack. Its a lot better now.. but its still not back to normal. Ok, back to yesterday.. I woke up and was just like.. "wow, I don't feel full"... (I usually wake up full from my snack at night).." this is great!.. I really missed this empty feeling!!".. and I just didn't want it to go away once I ate breakfast.. so I didn't.. :x ah, i know, so not something I do! I ALWAYS have breakfast, no matter what, because its what starts your metabolism for the day. But then I took my pain meds, and you can't take them on an empty stomach.. so I had coffee with a bit of hot choc in it.. haha I know.. not food.. but it had calories! doesn't that count for something?!.. well anyway.. continued through out my day.. went to the gym.. worked out.. had a nutritionist appt.. got yelled at for the first time in a WHILE.. and then promised her I would go get a smoothie from the smoothie bar.. yet couldn't bring myself to do it. Coincidentally, I also the gym I go to is where my nutritionist is, and where I work.. so after her apt, I just went to work until 8. Then I went and got my nails done.. and by the time I got home it was time for my evening snack. By then i felt sooo guilty for letting ED ruin my day, and so down on myself for screwing up all my progress I was making with my body.. so i had another coffee with some hot choc, and a piece of bread and called it a day. WHAT A DAY... disaster day is more like it :(

There were soooo many things going through my head yesterday.. but the one thing that was calmer then most days was ED's voice. Sound strange? lemme explain.. haha. When I restrict.. well, I dont even like to call it that because its honestly not hard for me.. its harder for me to eat then it is to not eat. Blah this is hard to explain. Basically.. If I don't eat.. I don't get hungry, so its easy for me to just ignore my meals, and then ED leaves me alone with food all day.. and its the nicest break from his screaming.. so its hard to not give in. But, If I eat.. then I get hungry, or just anxious for my next meal, and then the next meal, and ED is always screaming, and ugh its just awful.. >.< but as hard as it is, i've been able to try to shut him out as much as possible. (besides yesterday)

Another thing going through my mind was PROM. Yes, the ever popular senior prom is coming up in a couple months. Their will be TONS of pictures, and girls looking beautiful, and girls FEELING beautiful.. and I want to be one of them :/. I have a date and all.. but I want to actually FEEL beautiful in my dress.. and I just don't know how I can do that at this weight. I feel like if I just loose a few pounds.. I'll feel more confident.. and the thing is I KNOW its true because I do feel more confident at a lower weight :x ..... but.. a few pounds turns into 10, and 10 turns into.. i'mma keep going till I'm so low I black out all the time, and ya know what, i'm just not a fan of that girl anymore... and I don't think my date would be either.



( the stop light has to do with my road theme.. lol.. so this is a pic I took near wawa :)... I thought it was coooool )

Blah, lots of ED conflicting thoughts yesterday.. BUTTTTTTTTTT, today is a new day, and I'm starting it off right with actually having breakfast. I'll acknolage that yesterday was a hard day for my ED, but today is going to be different. I hate bumps in the road.. but they happen, and you need to learn to swerve around them, or ride them out.. so.. SWERVING AND RIDING PEOPLE, SWERVING AND RIDING!! :P After breakfast I'm going to work out at the gym, run some errands, and then later, i'm having a sleep over at my friends dorm :D so today should be fun, and i'm looking forwards to lots of smiles and laughs that the day shall bring!! I'm going to keep telling myself.. eating is worth it, and i'm worth eating!!

Have a GREAT friday everyone, and remember, SWERVE AND RIDE out the bumps, because after a bump, there is always a smooth road right ahead <3 ( like i'm sure the mail truck in this picture I took near my house.. look how nice the SMOOTH road looks.. :P)



ALERT---> AMANDA FROM HONEY BUNCHES OF LOVE IS HAVING A GIVE AWAY, CHECK OUT HER PAGE!! http://honeybunchesoflove1.blogspot.com/

xoxo
-A <3

Just another wacky wednesday! :P

Morning lovely Bloggers!!... or, I guess I should say.. Afternoon lovely Bloggers!! :D

Today, as well as the past 4 days i've woken up realllllyyyy late.. around like 11:00, or ever 12:00!! which believe me is very late for me. :P I have a lot of things of my mind this morning, so bare with me while I try to organize them all in a coherent fashion! I guess I'll finish this one though about today.. hmmm today. Well its lovely and sunny outside again! yay sun! I'm thinking maybe ill take a walk or something.. since i've been cooped up in the house for so long. I think i'm going back to school tomorrow.. can't hid out forever! Although.. hehe.. last night, I really wanted some nut butter from Trader Joes.. so I like wrapped my head in a scarf, put my hood on, and then put my jacket on and went into Trader Joes! Drastic measure, I know, but i'm telling you all.. you should have seen me! Oh man, it was hysterical. Then when I was in the check out line.. ok. note to self, never try to cover anything up, because people are nosey and will try too see what your hiding TEN TIMES MORE. yes. The lady at the cash register was like glaring at me, and like, you know what people do with their head when they are trying to get a good look at something and they can't see it??? well yeah, she was doing that.. and was all like.. can I help you with anything? did you find everything alright? hows your day..?? .... yeah, idk, I would have been better off going in there with my chipmunk cheeks!! Anyway.. on to something less pointless then this story.. haha



Ok.. so firstly I would like to say, THANK YOU to everyone who is reading my blog, and who gave me such positive feedback in comments yesterday on my ED letter post. I always have a fear that I shouldn't be putting such personal things on the internet for everyone to see.. especially since i've really been a very private person all my life. Sometimes I worry people will judge me for what I write, or see me strictly as an Anorexic/ recovering Anorexic.. and not an 18 year old girl who is trying to take control over her life. Yes, I have Anorexia, but I, ME, MYSELF, I am not Anorexic.. to me there is a difference. I don't say any of this regarding weight.. because yes that is a part of Anorexia, being under 18.5% BMI..( which I guess technicallllllyy i'm under by .5% lol, but I still consider myself to be at a recovering weight) but even if your not underweight, you can still have Anorexia. Just because I've been poked, prodded, stuffed, fed, and threatened to gain weight.. i'm still of one mind, the same mind I was before gaining weight. Now before all of you read this and go all "whattt, I thought she was doing well and now shes talking about how shes all Anorexic and stuff!!" dont worry.. I AM doing really well, and while I don't think I am IN recovery ( I KNOW im not in recovery.. its only been like a month since i've been at this weight and been on track) I am on a great, healthy track towards it!! I'm just trying to clarify something for people... because I kinda got the vibe that people feel as though I have conquered Anorexia.. but i'm just scratching the surface of it.. and I'm scared to disappoint people by this. Its a constant struggle, every day. Yes, i've come VERY far from where I was.. but sometimes my mind does go back to the place I was in when I wrote that letter.. the difference is that now I can realize that and tell myself to come back, (most of the time) which is what working on recovery is. The support i've been getting the past few days has been SOOO amazing.. i've never gotten this much support and encouragement in my entire life.. and I really feel as though its helping me to keep making healthy choices.. so for that I am really grateful, and want to THANK YOU all, and people on formspring!!! Its really been so amazing reading comments telling me that I have inspired people, and that people believe in me.. i've never been told those things before.. I almost don't even know how to take those wonderful things in! AH!! haha.

I took this pic outside of an ACME I believe.. haha. When I look at this picture (underneath) I see a tree.. and in the shadow it almost looks as if its an evil demon trying to posses the tree. I know I know, far out, sounds redic, but think about it in regards to an ED. ED is your shadow.. he follows you everywhere, mocks what your doing, distorts the way you look.. ED is your shadow, not you.



Another thing I wanted to say about the letter is.. writing that letter, and the ones previous to it, was very therapeutic for me... as was re-reading in. WIth that said.. I really do encourage people to write their own letters.. you don't even have to have an ED. Write a letter to your fears, anxieties, parents, food, anything that you feel you are having trouble with. Then read it back to yourself. It doesn't have to be that day.. you could wait days, or even weeks, but read it back. When you re-read your thoughts and fears, it really puts things into perspective.. and not just one time, every time you read it you will gain something from it. At first I didn't think doing this would help me.. the only time I ever really wrote was when I was in treatment.. and that was something I forced myself to do everyday so I could document my time spent there. But once I wrote the first letter.. i just felt such a weight lifted off me.. its so hard to explained.. it was like all the feelings drained out of me onto that paper. I was actually physically and mentally tired after writing it! haha. So, anyway, I really do encourage each and every one of you to write your own letters to ED, or w/e you feel is taking control of your life that you want back. <3

This picture I took on my walk to school (as I do with most of my pics.. haha) In this post, I feel like it helps to symbolize a road to recovery.. doesn't the pic just make you wana walk right down the path!! haha :)



I encourage you all to keep traveling, or begin your travel, down the road to recovery.. Life has so much more to offer you then ED could ever give you.

xoxo
-A <3