Short update with LOTS and LOTS of pictures!!!

Hey, everyone!!!!! This is gonna be a short update post with a LARGEEEEE AMOUNT OF PHOTOS, because:
1. I really shouldn't be posting at all right now... ( I have sooo much homework, but instead I'm being the true procrastinator that I am, and fooling around on blogspot and facebook.... WHOOPS!!!) :P
2. I have so many pics from the trip that I wana show you, and I'm having a lot of trouble deciding which ones to choose!!! haha
....To follow up with my previous little "sneak peak" post, (I'm not gonna do a "looks" post because this one is so long, but I will in the next one!)I went on a mini 3 day cruise to the Bahamas over spring break (with my family)... and then spent another 3 days visiting my grandparents in florida. (i'll put my florida pics in the next post)
These are some pics I took of the shippppp....The weather was soooo beautiful!!! As weird as it is going to sound, the mini cruise was actually very challenging for me to enjoy at first, but only because they didn't have any vegan, and hardly any vegetarian meal options, (unless I wanted to literally only eat fruits and veggies the ENTIRE TIME) so it was kind of stressful to figure out what to have. I thought about it, and really, I had two options, please my ED and stay vegan, while DEF. getting off track with my recovery, or go against my ED and eat the foods I haven't had the courage to have for 8 months... to me, the second was the much harder option. The more I thought about it, I realized I truly only had ONE option. If I want to recover, any chance I have to de-rail my recovery and slip back is NOT an option.... The first day or two I was so angry at myself for struggling with the food. Now I actually see it as a good thing that they really didn't accommodate veganism, because it forced me to step outside my comfort zone and face my fears... which is something I wouldn't have been able to do on my own, I really needed that outside "push". Needless to say, I did end up breaking my nearly 8 month vegan streak!!!!!... which is both exciting and guilt inducing at the same time.
These are a couple pics from the deck of the ship and a pic from our room... I'm a great packer!! :P ( I cropped my sister out of the ones with me because I wasn't sure if she would want to be on my blog..)
Heres some pics from our (I shared a room with my sister) rooms balcony on the ship......As far as not being a vegan anymore (although I'm still a vegetarian)... part of me felt guilty for breaking it because I felt like, by breaking it by eating dairy foods again, I was being weak... like I should have stuck with it and made it to one full year (since I was only a few months away). HOWEVER, I keep telling myself that I shouldn't have been living a vegan lifestyle to begin with because its too restrictive, so I should be proud of myself for finally challenging that fear of eating dairy again. Although I can acknowledge that I did break that 8 month totally vegan streak and eat dairy... its been hard for me to continue to allow myself to stray from only vegan foods. I've gone out twice (since I've been home from vacation) to get frozen yogurt with people, but other then that, I haven't been able to continue to push myself to eat dairy or any other foods that are not vegan or vegetarian. BUT, HEY, ITS A START, RIGHT?!?! :D...These are a few pics I took of the marine life at the Atlantis resort (we spent the day there in the water park and went swimming with dolphins!)Little update on me: Things, to be honesty, are not going to well in terms of my recovery. Despite all of the hard work I'm putting in and the fears i've faced in order to conquer my ED.... I realized when I weighed myself the other day that i've slipped backwards. To my surprise, instead of sort of feeling good about the weight loss like I use to feel, I actually felt so discouraged and upset at myself for allowing this to happen and not noticing I was slipping. When I saw that number, I felt like a failure. My Dr. and team put so much trust in me when they said I wouldn't have to see them weekly anymore, and I was excited to finally prove to everyone that I could do this and recover on my own.. so seeing that number not at the spot it was suppose to be was pretty upsetting. Many thoughts went through my head.. but mainly it was the fear of telling my team and friends that I need help again... I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me. :( .... Since this has now been brought to my attention, I'm doing everything I can to get back on track on my own, but I'm still having trouble reaching out to people. I know I need to come clean and let people know I'm struggling.. but I can't seem to find the courage to tell anyone!!!! I did, however, message one of my friends yesterday about needing a bit of help and let her know I was struggling.. so its a start I suppose. I just really want to recover.... I'm so tired of putting so much energy into recovery, only to slip backwards... its like running up a giant hill with recovery on my back, only to trip and roll half way back down the hill. Hopefully, this time I'll be able to pick myself back up with the will to recover on my back, make it to the top of the hill, and FINALLY RECOVER!!!.. yes, corny, but it makes sense! Alright, now for a little fun, heres a few more pics I took of Atlantis and the ship's private Island in the Bahamas.. I'd like to end this post with a few more Bahama photos I took, as well as a few quotes that I've been looking over recently as a way to help me feel inspired, and try to remove some of the guilt I have for slipping backwards again. I hope at least one of these quotes will inspire you all as well!!!

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." "The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize."
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.""Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." "There is no failure except in no longer trying."

I know... major picture overload... I hope it wasn't so many that you didn't enjoy this post!!!!! ... I couldn't help myself... I love taking pictures and I love sharing them with people!!! .. Anywhooo, I hope you all enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Happy Easter :D

New post coming soon :)

sneak peek?
1. cruise to the bahamas 2. fashion "looks" pics 3. mini update 4. daily dose of motivation and inspirationI HOPE EVERYONE HAD A HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you don't celebrate... then I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!
Talk to you soon ;) xoxo
-A <3

Two steps forward, one step back.. but I'm still walking strait ahead!

Hey blog readers, long time no write!!!!!! :P

I have lots of exciting news to share!... how exciting you ask???

THIS EXCITING!!!



Yes, for me, its the SPINNING IN CIRCLES AND ACTING CRAZY KIND OF EXCITING!! ... although not so much for all of you I'm sure.. haha.

BUT, before I go into the news, I wanted to say...

>>>I was going to start this post off with an apology for not posting in so long.. but then I decided that starting off a post with an apology is not the tone I wana start off on! Plus, an apology is used when you have done something wrong, and while I know in the past I've started my blog off with one, i've realized that not posting its nothing to be sorry about. I post for myself; its my way to sort through my thoughts, keep track of my recovery journey and reflect about my trials and tribulations (Its also my way to keep track of outfits I've worn that I liked, so I can remember to wear them again.. or become inspired to create a new outfit! :P ). I also post to explain the life and thought process of an eating disorder, with the ultimate goal of educating others, offering support to fellow eating disorder sufferers, and motivate everyone with an addiction to push forward with life and live healthily... as well as educate the fashion victims out there and inspire the fashionistas! ... but I have to remind myself that this is all by choice and not obligation.. and convince myself that I should not feel guilty when I don't post for a while. (Hence this long ramble of why I'm not going to let myself apologize... haha :P ) <<<


**** I'm actually hoping to transform this blog into a more even split.. 50/50, or 60/40 of recovery and fashion... rather then 70/30... recovery 70%, fashion 30% **** THOUGHTS ON THIS????? What would YOU, my readers, like to see from my blog? What would help YOU, inspire YOU, and help YOU enjoy reading my blog? More fashion? Question and answer portion? Less recovery/ ED talk? Thought of the day? Inspirational quote in each post? .. I already know where I stand on some ways I want to change my blog a bit... now i'd like to hear YOUR opinions, so please comment and let me know what you all are thinking!!! :) ****

The truth is, i've been really busy, and thats why I haven't been blogging, not because I don't want too... although there was a point where I wanted to delete my formspring and blog because I felt like it would help me erase my ED. I realized, however, that my reasoning for that thought was because i've been so frustrated with my ED lately, that I want to erase every ED memory from my mind and pretend i've never had one. This, my friends, is called "a bad idea" haha. Putting yourself in denial and ignoring your problems with not make them go away.. and if you try to erase your past, how can you use your mistakes to grow, become a better person, and build a better future? YA CAN'T. SO, here I am, accepting I have an eating disorder, acknowledging it is part of my past and present, and proposing different ways to eliminate it from my future.

ALRIGHTY---> ON TO THE UPDATE!!!!!...

Firstly, I'd just like to talk about something that is really annoying. haha.
SO, my mom accidently knocked my full length mirror over and it broke in half... needless to say, the thing is now useless and has been throw away. Thats not the annoying part though... the annoying part is TRYING TO GET DRESSED WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WHOLE OUTFIT!!!!! GAHH!!!!! I mean honestly, like it doesn't take me long enough to get ready when I can actually SEE my outfit all together! Fo-real man, this situation is the epitome of inconvenient.

Heres my solution for the time being..



Mmm, yeahhhhhhh.. two mirrors at different angles (and a small face mirror) NO FUN. >.<

~!@#$%&* Anywho, on to things that actually matter *&%$#@!~

In my last post, I mentioned 15 goals that i've been working on recently... Now, i'd like to add 5 more things on to the list that i've been working on..
16- Start taking an accelerated college english class
17- Go spring shopping for clothes I want to buy, not what my ED wants me to buy ( sweatshirts, sweatpants, loose clothes)
18- Buy clothes that are appropriate to my size and not too big
19- Broaden my "pants horizon" and buy different kinds of pants, not leggings or sweats ( Cargo, skinny jeans, jeggings.. ect)
20- Progress enough with my monthly Dr. appointments that she will not make me come back as often

I can't go toooooo into detail right now because I need to finish my homework before class starts. "Class? What class? Is this what you wrote for number 16 on your goal list?" .... YUPPPP. Thats right boys and girls, i've started a 6 week accelerated english class, (twice a week for 3 hours each) and I LOVE IT!! Today will be my fourth class, (last week we didn't have class because it was "spring break"... and I'm so glad i've finally started to take steps with school and getting my education back on track! English is my favorite subject and really the only subject I like,- its been that way since middle school- and if you think about it, its the best subject everrrrr!!! haha, well, for me at least. I mean I write all the time anyway.. so its awesome to get graded for it! :P

Number 17-19 all has to do with clothes and shopping---> I've always invited my ED along when I went shopping for clothes, letting it pick out draping long shirts, baggy pants, large sweatshirts... things that would hide my "fat" -according to my ED- and make me feel less self conscious. ED would rob me of my fashion sense, telling me I couldn't buy the cute jeans because they make me look fatter, and that I must stay confined to leggings and juicy pants (sweat pants). Well, NO MORE. I am NOT going to buy clothes that are too big on me not my size, I am NOT going to deny my self the chance to own different styles of pants, I am NOT going to stay in my comfort zone and dress like an 8th grader, and I am NOT going to invite my ED shopping anymore. Kiss my ass ED, I'm done being your dress up doll.

I had a GREAT shopping success after forcing myself to remain in this mindset.. as hard as it was. Every time I started to drift over to the sweatshirts and baggy clothes, I would catch myself, scold my ED, and return to the pants section... snatching up every pair of jeans, jeggings, and cargo pants I could try on, in order to find one I liked. <--- the sales people were not a fan of putting all these clothes away.. wooooops. :P

The end result? lots of new clothes that I can't wait to play around with them and create all different types of outfits! ( i'll elaborate and posts pics in my next post)

Striped cream cami, Cream ruffled cardigan, Navy blazer, NEW Dark skinny jeans, Gold "chunky" bangle, Gold dangling earrings, Gold and crystal "dainty" necklace ( I never take it off) , and a High messy bun with Gold headband.





If you refer back to the top, you will see pictures of me spinning like a fool with my camera. This excitement was brought on by that Dr. appointment I was talking about in my previous post.. which brings me to number 20 on my list. For the past two, maybe even 3 years, I've had to see my Dr. every 3-4 weeks to check in, get vitals done, get weighed, and every so often, get blood work. This appointment was a huge anxiety provoker for me.. I hate getting weighed, especially when my ADD med is on the line. I would get nervous anticipating the appointment two weeks before, nervous when I was there, relieved when it was over.. until I would remember I have to make another appointment, and then the cycle would repeat itself. Long story short, at this past appointment, I told her about all the strides I've been making.. being independent with food shopping and driving around doing everything on my own, starting classes, trying new foods.. ect, and at the end of the appointment, she said, "alright, I can't believe I'm going to say this.. but see you in 4 months!!!!!!!!!" YA. FOUR MONTHS, not FOUR WEEKS. Holy cow. Although I was kinda scared because that means I'm totally on my own now, and I really have to stay on top of things and not slip.. I was still SO excited. I had been feeling so discouraged because I'd been working so hard on recovery, but had felt that no one cared.. no one was there for me, and that no one really believed I was doing well, and this was FINALLY the support I was looking for. Someone believe me, and was rewarding me for all my hard work! :) ... the thing is, I did fake my weight again... but, i've been stuck in this "fake weight" pattern for so long, that I'm scared if I show my Dr. the truth, she'll think I lost weight. I mean i've stayed the same weight for months now.. and i've been faking the same weight for months now, with the intention each time of getting my weight to actually BE that number, and not needing to fake it anymore. However, it hasn't worked, and I'm not sure how to break the cycle. She even mention how bazaar it is that i've been the EXACT same weight for every appointment, but didn't really connect that I could be faking it. I feel guilty for lying each time.. but I know if she knew the truth, she would take away my ADD meds which would cause such a chain of problems for me.. I wouldn't be able to focus while driving, working, being in class, or getting my work done.. and the anxiety from all of that has been such a trigger to my ED in the past, I really don't want to go back to that place in my life.

The past couple months I've been doing well.. progressing, fighting, feeling like I'm conquering ED... but currently.. things feel different. I'm not sure.. maybe its just a plateau with my progress.. maybe its a regression.. but all I know is, I've started to see signs of ED creeping back into my life. Its extremely frustrating!!!!!! I hate how I work SOO FUCKING ( excuse my language) HARD to jump over these hurdles of fear in order to win the race of life between me and my ED, only to get my food caught half way over the last jump, and fall flat on my face. Basically, I know i've stopped progressing, and I think I may be slipping. I don't know.. all I know is the thought of slipping back into my ED scares and upsets me beyond belief... especially now that I don't see a team weekly. I'm scared to admit to myself that things are regressing.. I keep trying to give myself excuses as to why things are the way they are, and at times I even catch myself denying that I even have an eating disorder anymore. I'm scared to tell the people that care about me that I'm struggling again. I don't want to cause disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, or sadness in anyone. I like myself better with out an ED.. I really hate who I become when my ED is the forefront of my life.. and I know everyone else feels the same way. I'm not fun to be around or talk to.. and i've been trying to be myself more often.. be happy and social, not talk about my ED at all.... and because of that, relationships with people have improved and are more fun... I don't want to ruin that!!! I can't bring myself to admit my slip to their attention because I don't want to be the ED girl anymore... I just want to be me. Part of me thinks if I ignore it, it will go away and get better on its own, but as I wrote in the beginning of this post, that is NOT the way to deal with a problem.. so I know I need to confront this head on and deal with it. I've already done the first step by acknowledging I have a problem, now I have to take the next step in finding a solution.

Okay, I really need to do my homework before class starts... haha, so I'll save the rest of whats on my mind for the next post! (Honestly, I have so much on my mind, I could write a book if I had the time.)

I hope you all have had a GREAT week so far, and I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

"Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration."
 -Evan Esar

xoxo
-A <3

Snow covered vent session

Greetings from a snow globe!!!!


(This is the view of my street, photo taken by my phone & then turned black and white on my computer)

I'm about to bombard this post with copious amounts of snowy pictures.. so grab a blanket and get prepared to be chilly, because its been CRAZY WINTERY over here!




( Photos taken of different parts of my back yard.. in case you can't tell, its a grill, patio furniture, and some little trees )





( Pictures taken from my front porch.. notice my sad little car being turned into a giant snowball )

Ok, enough snowy-ness for now, time to get serious. The actual purpose of this post was that I wanted to talk about how I've been feeling recently, and kind of vent a little. I actually have a lot to say.. and can already tell that this post is going to take me forever because I'm having such a hard time organizing all of my thoughts. With that said, this post probably wont be as interesting as some of my other posts.. and maybe not as inspirational, but hey, a girls gotta vent!!!!! :P

The past couple months I've been striving and pushing myself really hard to accomplish a few small goals. These goals are different things that i've decided will aid me in becoming closer towards my ultimate goal of recovery. Would you like to see some of my goals in list form??? HECK YEAH!!!!! erm.. yes I'm hype.. I love lists and make them multiple times a day for different things... is that weird? ...because, I mean really, there isn't a better organizational method out there where you can composite all of your thoughts.. and If there is, I have yet to discover it.. but anyway, ON TO THE LIST!

GOALS
1- Stop calorie counting
2- Stop food journaling and writing down everything, time, and amount I eat.
3- Stop exercising for multiple hours a day
4- Work more often at my job and have a stable work schedule
5- Introduce "heathy fear foods" and make them a part of my everyday life
6- Introduce "special treat fear foods" and have them at least once or twice a week
7- Eat meals with one or two friends at least once a week
8- Eat 3 meals and 2 snacks everyday, every 3-4 hours
9- Increase my calories and protein
10- Start adding in weight training to build muscle and help gain weight
11- Meet with College advisers at the schools I'm interested in and get information on applying
12- Decide on the school I want to go to and start the application process
13- Work on meeting a weight goal and continuing from there, not plateauing
14- Reach out for support and start attending weekly Multiple Family Group again
15- Organize my room and get rid of old clothes from middle school, even if they still fit

.. SO, no, thats not ALL of my goals, but these 15 are the ones that I've recently been working very diligently on.

Lemme tell ya peeps, I'll be strait with you, I'm having a hard time and I'm not too happy about it... in fact, I'm pretty dang frustrated.

Confused? Yes, I just told you all how I've been achieving goals and working really hard on my recovery, and that is ALL true.. but one would think that in doing all of this, one would feel a great sense of accomplishment, happiness, and motivation, right?? Well.. one is not feeling such things. One is actually feeling pretty guilty, unhappy, and lonely. ..Alright, enough with the anonymity and on to the "I" statements. I've been ( I want to say trying, but trying implies not actually doing, and i've been DOING) working sooo hard at all of these things on my list, and have been banging them out one by one.. but, ahh, I just can't get my thoughts out fast enough to explain this all and have it make sense! Ok. I have to organize.

Feelings:



I feel like I'm struggling. Not in following through with an action, but dealing with the mental whiplash its been creating. I've been able to push myself past my comfort zone time and time again, whether it be with eating a higher calorie meal plan, eating fear foods, having larger portions, meals or snacks at "scary" times of day, where I'm eating, who I'm eating with, not knowing the nutrition facts in a food, zero to moderate exercise, eating when I'm not hungry just because I'm "suppose to", and turn the focus off of hating my body and wanting to lose weight towards wanting to be healthy and happy... sometimes all in the same day!!! :Z Its mentally exhausting and making me feel soo soo lonely. I feel like I'm on some type of sports team, but instead of having my teammates there backing me up and cheering me on, I'm the only one on my team rooting for me. I know that recovery is something that ultimately you have to do on your own, no one can do it for you... but I feel like I need more support. Its like when your running a race and you really want to win.. YES you are going to push yourself and keep going, but when you have people standing there cheering for you, it makes it so much easier to stay motivated and push yourself to win the race. Thats what I need, I need to assemble a crowd of people to cheer me on in this race( as corny as it sounds). Its hard though, because I feel like if I ask for the things I need ( ie, eating with people, weekly nutrition appointments, little motivational txts or emails) I'll be burdening people, or asking for too much. I have opened up to my one friend about eating dinner with her once a week, so we eat every tuesday, and thats been GREAT and I'm so thankful that she's willing to do that with me.. but truthfully, out of the 7 nights a week, I feel like one meal is still not enough. I mean when you break it down, I try to have at least 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.. so thats at least 5 times a day I'm struggling with food. That means I have support for one out of the 35 meals a week that I have. Which, yes, is better then nothing, but then the rest of the 34 I have to go through this emotional roller coaster of guilt, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, loneliness, confusion, determination, pride, success, ect. ... along with the physical discomfort of being that full and having horrible body image, its just a lot to have to deal with on my own.. and I haven't been talking to people about how hard its been. I feel like people always say, "you just have to do it, and it will get easier"... and I try to remind myself that as often as I can.. but man, no one says how long the hard part is going to last! I'm constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing by eating this much, or exercising less when I feel so badly about myself and my body. I don't usually let my ED be invited to my blog post, but I feel like showing you a blurb of what my ED tells me will better explain why I'm feeling so torn between working this hard at recovery, and caving in and surrendering back to my ED.

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, my ED...



... don't be fooled, you may see a picture of me staring blankly at a camera, but this is not me.

"How can it be right to gain weight when you already feel fat?.. its not right, you shouldn't gain weight. You don't have the right to feel fat if you aren't even taking steps to change your body and make it thinner. Stop thinking about how you look and do something about it, restrict, exercise, lose weight, thats the only way you'll feel better and happier with yourself. You want to get rid of the guilt, fear, and anxiety you feel with food? Stop eating the foods that make you feel that way! Only eat safe healthy foods that wont make you gain weight and make you fatter. Charts and scales may work for some people, but you're different, you're numbers may say you're underweight, but the mirror doesn't lie... I don't lie, this is what you look like, THIS is you, YOU are fat. Feeling self conscious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling anxious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling scared? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling lonely? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling upset? listen to me, lose weight. Get the pattern? I will make all of these feelings go away by numbing you out, giving you something else to focus on, giving you order and control, and making you more confident about yourself and your body. Sure, think about recovery all you want, but at the end of the day, recovery is scary and unknown, but i've been your best friend for years.. I'm always there for you, familiar, safe, predictable and able to comfort you... which do you prefer? "

hmmmmm....



.... So, my EDs kind of a b*tch, right?

Its hard for me to stand up to conflict or cause an argument, even when the conflict is with myself... ( except for with my parents.. :x ha)... but somehow, i've managed to become a "recovery zombie" and do what has to be done, regardless of what my "conscience" says.
( sometimes I feel like my ED is my conscience, because its that little voice inside of you telling you what you should and shouldn't do.. whats right and whats wrong.)


Actions:



Regardless of the way I've been feeling with my ambivalence towards recovery, actions speak louder then words. As far as actions go, I've been KICKING ED'S ASS. However, I weighed myself last week and realized that even with all this ass kicking, I still need to remember that I'm not super woman and can't always hit my calories every day with out keeping track.. so, after the reality check of losing a bit of weight, I've resorted back to temporarily writing foods and calories down, so that I will be better able to assess the problem and start to gain some weight. Currently, I'm super nervous for my Dr. appt on wednesday, because I was suppose to have gained weight since our last appointment... and I haven't.. However I HAVE been working really hard at increasing my cals in order to gain, so fingers crossed that all goes well and I manage to gain by weds!!!!!

I've also recently opened up to a couple of people that I work with.. they have both been soo supportive, and one of them even came with me to MFG last friday!!!! ( we got stuck in the snow driving home which is a whole other story, but it was still fun :D )

Heres the burst of positivity this post as been lacking. ---> If you break it down. Its simple. Do I want to live? Yes. Do I want to enjoy my life? Yes. Do I want to have friends? Yes. Do I want to go to college? Yes. Do I want to move out of my house? Yes. Do I want to date and some day have a family? Yes. Do I want to pass my ED on to my children? NO!

ERGO, I want to recover, and that is that. My ED can fuss, bully, trick, and try to pull me back as much as it wants, but at the end of the day, recovery is what is going to bring me happiness, not a stupid disorder.

Sorry this post was a bit all over the place and kind of a downer/ vent session.. but I feel much better after writing it, so hopefully if you're struggling with feeling the same way I am, you will feel better after reading this!!! :D

I hope everybody had a great weekend and is now looking forward to having a great week!!!! Have a happy, relaxing sunday!!!



xoxo
-A <3