Flavor of Life

Short update with LOTS and LOTS of pictures!!!

2011-05-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone!!!!! This is gonna be a short update post with a LARGEEEEE AMOUNT OF PHOTOS, because:
1. I really shouldn't be posting at all right now... ( I have sooo much homework, but instead I'm being the true procrastinator that I am, and fooling around on blogspot and facebook.... WHOOPS!!!) :P
2. I have so many pics from the trip that I wana show you, and I'm having a lot of trouble deciding which ones to choose!!! haha
....To follow up with my previous little "sneak peak" post, (I'm not gonna do a "looks" post because this one is so long, but I will in the next one!)I went on a mini 3 day cruise to the Bahamas over spring break (with my family)... and then spent another 3 days visiting my grandparents in florida. (i'll put my florida pics in the next post)
These are some pics I took of the shippppp ....The weather was soooo beautiful!!! As weird as it is going to sound, the mini cruise was actually very challenging for me to enjoy at first, but only because they didn't have any vegan, and hardly any vegetarian meal options, (unless I wanted to literally only eat fruits and veggies the ENTIRE TIME) so it was kind of stressful to figure out what to have. I thought about it, and really, I had two options, please my ED and stay vegan, while DEF. getting off track with my recovery, or go against my ED and eat the foods I haven't had the courage to have for 8 months... to me, the second was the much harder option. The more I thought about it, I realized I truly only had ONE option. If I want to recover, any chance I have to de-rail my recovery and slip back is NOT an option.... The first day or two I was so angry at myself for struggling with the food. Now I actually see it as a good thing that they really didn't accommodate veganism, because it forced me to step outside my comfort zone and face my fears... which is something I wouldn't have been able to do on my own, I really needed that outside "push". Needless to say, I did end up breaking my nearly 8 month vegan streak!!!!!... which is both exciting and guilt inducing at the same time.
These are a couple pics from the deck of the ship and a pic from our room... I'm a great packer!! :P ( I cropped my sister out of the ones with me because I wasn't sure if she would want to be on my blog..)
Heres some pics from our (I shared a room with my sister) rooms balcony on the ship......As far as not being a vegan anymore (although I'm still a vegetarian)... part of me felt guilty for breaking it because I felt like, by breaking it by eating dairy foods again, I was being weak... like I should have stuck with it and made it to one full year (since I was only a few months away). HOWEVER, I keep telling myself that I shouldn't have been living a vegan lifestyle to begin with because its too restrictive, so I should be proud of myself for finally challenging that fear of eating dairy again. Although I can acknowledge that I did break that 8 month totally vegan streak and eat dairy... its been hard for me to continue to allow myself to stray from only vegan foods. I've gone out twice (since I've been home from vacation) to get frozen yogurt with people, but other then that, I haven't been able to continue to push myself to eat dairy or any other foods that are not vegan or vegetarian. BUT, HEY, ITS A START, RIGHT?!?! :D...These are a few pics I took of the marine life at the Atlantis resort (we spent the day there in the water park and went swimming with dolphins!)Little update on me: Things, to be honesty, are not going to well in terms of my recovery. Despite all of the hard work I'm putting in and the fears i've faced in order to conquer my ED.... I realized when I weighed myself the other day that i've slipped backwards. To my surprise, instead of sort of feeling good about the weight loss like I use to feel, I actually felt so discouraged and upset at myself for allowing this to happen and not noticing I was slipping. When I saw that number, I felt like a failure. My Dr. and team put so much trust in me when they said I wouldn't have to see them weekly anymore, and I was excited to finally prove to everyone that I could do this and recover on my own.. so seeing that number not at the spot it was suppose to be was pretty upsetting. Many thoughts went through my head.. but mainly it was the fear of telling my team and friends that I need help again... I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me. :( .... Since this has now been brought to my attention, I'm doing everything I can to get back on track on my own, but I'm still having trouble reaching out to people. I know I need to come clean and let people know I'm struggling.. but I can't seem to find the courage to tell anyone!!!! I did, however, message one of my friends yesterday about needing a bit of help and let her know I was struggling.. so its a start I suppose. I just really want to recover.... I'm so tired of putting so much energy into recovery, only to slip backwards... its like running up a giant hill with recovery on my back, only to trip and roll half way back down the hill. Hopefully, this time I'll be able to pick myself back up with the will to recover on my back, make it to the top of the hill, and FINALLY RECOVER!!!.. yes, corny, but it makes sense! Alright, now for a little fun, heres a few more pics I took of Atlantis and the ship's private Island in the Bahamas.. I'd like to end this post with a few more Bahama photos I took, as well as a few quotes that I've been looking over recently as a way to help me feel inspired, and try to remove some of the guilt I have for slipping backwards again. I hope at least one of these quotes will inspire you all as well!!!

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." "The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize."
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.""Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." "There is no failure except in no longer trying."

I know... major picture overload... I hope it wasn't so many that you didn't enjoy this post!!!!! ... I couldn't help myself... I love taking pictures and I love sharing them with people!!! .. Anywhooo, I hope you all enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Happy Easter :D

2011-04-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

New post coming soon :)

sneak peek?
1. cruise to the bahamas 2. fashion "looks" pics 3. mini update 4. daily dose of motivation and inspirationI HOPE EVERYONE HAD A HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you don't celebrate... then I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!
Talk to you soon ;) xoxo
-A <3

Two steps forward, one step back.. but I'm still walking strait ahead!

2011-03-31T05:46:00.000-07:00

Hey blog readers, long time no write!!!!!! :P

I have lots of exciting news to share!... how exciting you ask???

THIS EXCITING!!!

Yes, for me, its the SPINNING IN CIRCLES AND ACTING CRAZY KIND OF EXCITING!! ... although not so much for all of you I'm sure.. haha.

BUT, before I go into the news, I wanted to say...

>>>I was going to start this post off with an apology for not posting in so long.. but then I decided that starting off a post with an apology is not the tone I wana start off on! Plus, an apology is used when you have done something wrong, and while I know in the past I've started my blog off with one, i've realized that not posting its nothing to be sorry about. I post for myself; its my way to sort through my thoughts, keep track of my recovery journey and reflect about my trials and tribulations (Its also my way to keep track of outfits I've worn that I liked, so I can remember to wear them again.. or become inspired to create a new outfit! :P ). I also post to explain the life and thought process of an eating disorder, with the ultimate goal of educating others, offering support to fellow eating disorder sufferers, and motivate everyone with an addiction to push forward with life and live healthily... as well as educate the fashion victims out there and inspire the fashionistas! ... but I have to remind myself that this is all by choice and not obligation.. and convince myself that I should not feel guilty when I don't post for a while. (Hence this long ramble of why I'm not going to let myself apologize... haha :P ) <<<

**** I'm actually hoping to transform this blog into a more even split.. 50/50, or 60/40 of recovery and fashion... rather then 70/30... recovery 70%, fashion 30% **** THOUGHTS ON THIS????? What would YOU, my readers, like to see from my blog? What would help YOU, inspire YOU, and help YOU enjoy reading my blog? More fashion? Question and answer portion? Less recovery/ ED talk? Thought of the day? Inspirational quote in each post? .. I already know where I stand on some ways I want to change my blog a bit... now i'd like to hear YOUR opinions, so please comment and let me know what you all are thinking!!! :) ****

The truth is, i've been really busy, and thats why I haven't been blogging, not because I don't want too... although there was a point where I wanted to delete my formspring and blog because I felt like it would help me erase my ED. I realized, however, that my reasoning for that thought was because i've been so frustrated with my ED lately, that I want to erase every ED memory from my mind and pretend i've never had one. This, my friends, is called "a bad idea" haha. Putting yourself in denial and ignoring your problems with not make them go away.. and if you try to erase your past, how can you use your mistakes to grow, become a better person, and build a better future? YA CAN'T. SO, here I am, accepting I have an eating disorder, acknowledging it is part of my past and present, and proposing different ways to eliminate it from my future.

ALRIGHTY---> ON TO THE UPDATE!!!!!...

Firstly, I'd just like to talk about something that is really annoying. haha.
SO, my mom accidently knocked my full length mirror over and it broke in half... needless to say, the thing is now useless and has been throw away. Thats not the annoying part though... the annoying part is TRYING TO GET DRESSED WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WHOLE OUTFIT!!!!! GAHH!!!!! I mean honestly, like it doesn't take me long enough to get ready when I can actually SEE my outfit all together! Fo-real man, this situation is the epitome of inconvenient.

Heres my solution for the time being..

Mmm, yeahhhhhhh.. two mirrors at different angles (and a small face mirror) NO FUN. >.<

~!@#$%&* Anywho, on to things that actually matter *&%$#@!~

In my last post, I mentioned 15 goals that i've been working on recently... Now, i'd like to add 5 more things on to the list that i've been working on..
16- Start taking an accelerated college english class
17- Go spring shopping for clothes I want to buy, not what my ED wants me to buy ( sweatshirts, sweatpants, loose clothes)
18- Buy clothes that are appropriate to my size and not too big
19- Broaden my "pants horizon" and buy different kinds of pants, not leggings or sweats ( Cargo, skinny jeans, jeggings.. ect)
20- Progress enough with my monthly Dr. appointments that she will not make me come back as often

I can't go toooooo into detail right now because I need to finish my homework before class starts. "Class? What class? Is this what you wrote for number 16 on your goal list?" .... YUPPPP. Thats right boys and girls, i've started a 6 week accelerated english class, (twice a week for 3 hours each) and I LOVE IT!! Today will be my fourth class, (last week we didn't have class because it was "spring break"... and I'm so glad i've finally started to take steps with school and getting my education back on track! English is my favorite subject and really the only subject I like,- its been that way since middle school- and if you think about it, its the best subject everrrrr!!! haha, well, for me at least. I mean I write all the time anyway.. so its awesome to get graded for it! :P

Number 17-19 all has to do with clothes and shopping---> I've always invited my ED along when I went shopping for clothes, letting it pick out draping long shirts, baggy pants, large sweatshirts... things that would hide my "fat" -according to my ED- and make me feel less self conscious. ED would rob me of my fashion sense, telling me I couldn't buy the cute jeans because they make me look fatter, and that I must stay confined to leggings and juicy pants (sweat pants). Well, NO MORE. I am NOT going to buy clothes that are too big on me not my size, I am NOT going to deny my self the chance to own different styles of pants, I am NOT going to stay in my comfort zone and dress like an 8th grader, and I am NOT going to invite my ED shopping anymore. Kiss my ass ED, I'm done being your dress up doll.

I had a GREAT shopping success after forcing myself to remain in this mindset.. as hard as it was. Every time I started to drift over to the sweatshirts and baggy clothes, I would catch myself, scold my ED, and return to the pants section... snatching up every pair of jeans, jeggings, and cargo pants I could try on, in order to find one I liked. <--- the sales people were not a fan of putting all these clothes away.. wooooops. :P

The end result? lots of new clothes that I can't wait to play around with them and create all different types of outfits! ( i'll elaborate and posts pics in my next post)

Striped cream cami, Cream ruffled cardigan, Navy blazer, NEW Dark skinny jeans, Gold "chunky" bangle, Gold dangling earrings, Gold and crystal "dainty" necklace ( I never take it off) , and a High messy bun with Gold headband.

If you refer back to the top, you will see pictures of me spinning like a fool with my camera. This excitement was brought on by that Dr. appointment I was talking about in my previous post.. which brings me to number 20 on my list. For the past two, maybe even 3 years, I've had to see my Dr. every 3-4 weeks to check in, get vitals done, get weighed, and every so often, get blood work. This appointment was a huge anxiety provoker for me.. I hate getting weighed, especially when my ADD med is on the line. I would get nervous anticipating the appointment two weeks before, nervous when I was there, relieved when it was over.. until I would remember I have to make another appointment, and then the cycle would repeat itself. Long story short, at this past appointment, I told her about all the strides I've been making.. being independent with food shopping and driving around doing everything on my own, starting classes, trying new foods.. ect, and at the end of the appointment, she said, "alright, I can't believe I'm going to say this.. but see you in 4 months!!!!!!!!!" YA. FOUR MONTHS, not FOUR WEEKS. Holy cow. Although I was kinda scared because that means I'm totally on my own now, and I really have to stay on top of things and not slip.. I was still SO excited. I had been feeling so discouraged because I'd been working so hard on recovery, but had felt that no one cared.. no one was there for me, and that no one really believed I was doing well, and this was FINALLY the support I was looking for. Someone believe me, and was rewarding me for all my hard work! :) ... the thing is, I did fake my weight again... but, i've been stuck in this "fake weight" pattern for so long, that I'm scared if I show my Dr. the truth, she'll think I lost weight. I mean i've stayed the same weight for months now.. and i've been faking the same weight for months now, with the intention each time of getting my weight to actually BE that number, and not needing to fake it anymore. However, it hasn't worked, and I'm not sure how to break the cycle. She even mention how bazaar it is that i've been the EXACT same weight for every appointment, but didn't really connect that I could be faking it. I feel guilty for lying each time.. but I know if she knew the truth, she would take away my ADD meds which would cause such a chain of problems for me.. I wouldn't be able to focus while driving, working, being in class, or getting my work done.. and the anxiety from all of that has been such a trigger to my ED in the past, I really don't want to go back to that place in my life.

The past couple months I've been doing well.. progressing, fighting, feeling like I'm conquering ED... but currently.. things feel different. I'm not sure.. maybe its just a plateau with my progress.. maybe its a regression.. but all I know is, I've started to see signs of ED creeping back into my life. Its extremely frustrating!!!!!! I hate how I work SOO FUCKING ( excuse my language) HARD to jump over these hurdles of fear in order to win the race of life between me and my ED, only to get my food caught half way over the last jump, and fall flat on my face. Basically, I know i've stopped progressing, and I think I may be slipping. I don't know.. all I know is the thought of slipping back into my ED scares and upsets me beyond belief... especially now that I don't see a team weekly. I'm scared to admit to myself that things are regressing.. I keep trying to give myself excuses as to why things are the way they are, and at times I even catch myself denying that I even have an eating disorder anymore. I'm scared to tell the people that care about me that I'm struggling again. I don't want to cause disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, or sadness in anyone. I like myself better with out an ED.. I really hate who I become when my ED is the forefront of my life.. and I know everyone else feels the same way. I'm not fun to be around or talk to.. and i've been trying to be myself more often.. be happy and social, not talk about my ED at all.... and because of that, relationships with people have improved and are more fun... I don't want to ruin that!!! I can't bring myself to admit my slip to their attention because I don't want to be the ED girl anymore... I just want to be me. Part of me thinks if I ignore it, it will go away and get better on its own, but as I wrote in the beginning of this post, that is NOT the way to deal with a problem.. so I know I need to confront this head on and deal with it. I've already done the first step by acknowledging I have a problem, now I have to take the next step in finding a solution.

Okay, I really need to do my homework before class starts... haha, so I'll save the rest of whats on my mind for the next post! (Honestly, I have so much on my mind, I could write a book if I had the time.)

I hope you all have had a GREAT week so far, and I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

"Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration."  -Evan Esar

xoxo
-A <3

Snow covered vent session

2011-01-30T07:09:00.000-08:00

Greetings from a snow globe!!!!

(This is the view of my street, photo taken by my phone & then turned black and white on my computer)

I'm about to bombard this post with copious amounts of snowy pictures.. so grab a blanket and get prepared to be chilly, because its been CRAZY WINTERY over here!

( Photos taken of different parts of my back yard.. in case you can't tell, its a grill, patio furniture, and some little trees )

( Pictures taken from my front porch.. notice my sad little car being turned into a giant snowball )

Ok, enough snowy-ness for now, time to get serious. The actual purpose of this post was that I wanted to talk about how I've been feeling recently, and kind of vent a little. I actually have a lot to say.. and can already tell that this post is going to take me forever because I'm having such a hard time organizing all of my thoughts. With that said, this post probably wont be as interesting as some of my other posts.. and maybe not as inspirational, but hey, a girls gotta vent!!!!! :P

The past couple months I've been striving and pushing myself really hard to accomplish a few small goals. These goals are different things that i've decided will aid me in becoming closer towards my ultimate goal of recovery. Would you like to see some of my goals in list form??? HECK YEAH!!!!! erm.. yes I'm hype.. I love lists and make them multiple times a day for different things... is that weird? ...because, I mean really, there isn't a better organizational method out there where you can composite all of your thoughts.. and If there is, I have yet to discover it.. but anyway, ON TO THE LIST!

GOALS
1- Stop calorie counting
2- Stop food journaling and writing down everything, time, and amount I eat.
3- Stop exercising for multiple hours a day
4- Work more often at my job and have a stable work schedule
5- Introduce "heathy fear foods" and make them a part of my everyday life
6- Introduce "special treat fear foods" and have them at least once or twice a week
7- Eat meals with one or two friends at least once a week
8- Eat 3 meals and 2 snacks everyday, every 3-4 hours
9- Increase my calories and protein
10- Start adding in weight training to build muscle and help gain weight
11- Meet with College advisers at the schools I'm interested in and get information on applying
12- Decide on the school I want to go to and start the application process
13- Work on meeting a weight goal and continuing from there, not plateauing
14- Reach out for support and start attending weekly Multiple Family Group again
15- Organize my room and get rid of old clothes from middle school, even if they still fit

.. SO, no, thats not ALL of my goals, but these 15 are the ones that I've recently been working very diligently on.

Lemme tell ya peeps, I'll be strait with you, I'm having a hard time and I'm not too happy about it... in fact, I'm pretty dang frustrated.

Confused? Yes, I just told you all how I've been achieving goals and working really hard on my recovery, and that is ALL true.. but one would think that in doing all of this, one would feel a great sense of accomplishment, happiness, and motivation, right?? Well.. one is not feeling such things. One is actually feeling pretty guilty, unhappy, and lonely. ..Alright, enough with the anonymity and on to the "I" statements. I've been ( I want to say trying, but trying implies not actually doing, and i've been DOING) working sooo hard at all of these things on my list, and have been banging them out one by one.. but, ahh, I just can't get my thoughts out fast enough to explain this all and have it make sense! Ok. I have to organize.

Feelings:

I feel like I'm struggling. Not in following through with an action, but dealing with the mental whiplash its been creating. I've been able to push myself past my comfort zone time and time again, whether it be with eating a higher calorie meal plan, eating fear foods, having larger portions, meals or snacks at "scary" times of day, where I'm eating, who I'm eating with, not knowing the nutrition facts in a food, zero to moderate exercise, eating when I'm not hungry just because I'm "suppose to", and turn the focus off of hating my body and wanting to lose weight towards wanting to be healthy and happy... sometimes all in the same day!!! :Z Its mentally exhausting and making me feel soo soo lonely. I feel like I'm on some type of sports team, but instead of having my teammates there backing me up and cheering me on, I'm the only one on my team rooting for me. I know that recovery is something that ultimately you have to do on your own, no one can do it for you... but I feel like I need more support. Its like when your running a race and you really want to win.. YES you are going to push yourself and keep going, but when you have people standing there cheering for you, it makes it so much easier to stay motivated and push yourself to win the race. Thats what I need, I need to assemble a crowd of people to cheer me on in this race( as corny as it sounds). Its hard though, because I feel like if I ask for the things I need ( ie, eating with people, weekly nutrition appointments, little motivational txts or emails) I'll be burdening people, or asking for too much. I have opened up to my one friend about eating dinner with her once a week, so we eat every tuesday, and thats been GREAT and I'm so thankful that she's willing to do that with me.. but truthfully, out of the 7 nights a week, I feel like one meal is still not enough. I mean when you break it down, I try to have at least 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.. so thats at least 5 times a day I'm struggling with food. That means I have support for one out of the 35 meals a week that I have. Which, yes, is better then nothing, but then the rest of the 34 I have to go through this emotional roller coaster of guilt, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, loneliness, confusion, determination, pride, success, ect. ... along with the physical discomfort of being that full and having horrible body image, its just a lot to have to deal with on my own.. and I haven't been talking to people about how hard its been. I feel like people always say, "you just have to do it, and it will get easier"... and I try to remind myself that as often as I can.. but man, no one says how long the hard part is going to last! I'm constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing by eating this much, or exercising less when I feel so badly about myself and my body. I don't usually let my ED be invited to my blog post, but I feel like showing you a blurb of what my ED tells me will better explain why I'm feeling so torn between working this hard at recovery, and caving in and surrendering back to my ED.

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, my ED...

... don't be fooled, you may see a picture of me staring blankly at a camera, but this is not me.

"How can it be right to gain weight when you already feel fat?.. its not right, you shouldn't gain weight. You don't have the right to feel fat if you aren't even taking steps to change your body and make it thinner. Stop thinking about how you look and do something about it, restrict, exercise, lose weight, thats the only way you'll feel better and happier with yourself. You want to get rid of the guilt, fear, and anxiety you feel with food? Stop eating the foods that make you feel that way! Only eat safe healthy foods that wont make you gain weight and make you fatter. Charts and scales may work for some people, but you're different, you're numbers may say you're underweight, but the mirror doesn't lie... I don't lie, this is what you look like, THIS is you, YOU are fat. Feeling self conscious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling anxious? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling scared? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling lonely? listen to me, lose weight. Feeling upset? listen to me, lose weight. Get the pattern? I will make all of these feelings go away by numbing you out, giving you something else to focus on, giving you order and control, and making you more confident about yourself and your body. Sure, think about recovery all you want, but at the end of the day, recovery is scary and unknown, but i've been your best friend for years.. I'm always there for you, familiar, safe, predictable and able to comfort you... which do you prefer? "

hmmmmm....

.... So, my EDs kind of a b*tch, right?

Its hard for me to stand up to conflict or cause an argument, even when the conflict is with myself... ( except for with my parents.. :x ha)... but somehow, i've managed to become a "recovery zombie" and do what has to be done, regardless of what my "conscience" says.
( sometimes I feel like my ED is my conscience, because its that little voice inside of you telling you what you should and shouldn't do.. whats right and whats wrong.)

Actions:

Regardless of the way I've been feeling with my ambivalence towards recovery, actions speak louder then words. As far as actions go, I've been KICKING ED'S ASS. However, I weighed myself last week and realized that even with all this ass kicking, I still need to remember that I'm not super woman and can't always hit my calories every day with out keeping track.. so, after the reality check of losing a bit of weight, I've resorted back to temporarily writing foods and calories down, so that I will be better able to assess the problem and start to gain some weight. Currently, I'm super nervous for my Dr. appt on wednesday, because I was suppose to have gained weight since our last appointment... and I haven't.. However I HAVE been working really hard at increasing my cals in order to gain, so fingers crossed that all goes well and I manage to gain by weds!!!!!

I've also recently opened up to a couple of people that I work with.. they have both been soo supportive, and one of them even came with me to MFG last friday!!!! ( we got stuck in the snow driving home which is a whole other story, but it was still fun :D )

Heres the burst of positivity this post as been lacking. ---> If you break it down. Its simple. Do I want to live? Yes. Do I want to enjoy my life? Yes. Do I want to have friends? Yes. Do I want to go to college? Yes. Do I want to move out of my house? Yes. Do I want to date and some day have a family? Yes. Do I want to pass my ED on to my children? NO!

ERGO, I want to recover, and that is that. My ED can fuss, bully, trick, and try to pull me back as much as it wants, but at the end of the day, recovery is what is going to bring me happiness, not a stupid disorder.

Sorry this post was a bit all over the place and kind of a downer/ vent session.. but I feel much better after writing it, so hopefully if you're struggling with feeling the same way I am, you will feel better after reading this!!! :D

I hope everybody had a great weekend and is now looking forward to having a great week!!!! Have a happy, relaxing sunday!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Rising up from the dead? No, but that would be a good excuse for my lack of posting, ay? :P

2010-12-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone!!!!
Long time no speak, I know.. my sincere apologies!!!!

:D :) :D :) :D :) :D <---- I'll make up for it with a bunch of happy smile faces!!!!

All better??? I think so.. smiles fix everything.. :P

I'll start out with some "looks"... sound good??
(From head to toe).. Yellow slouchy hat ( almost like a beret ... but not quite) with a low side poneytail, Dangle-y pink crystal earring from Paris, Army green military style jacket (not pictured in two of the pics), Blue and white stripped tunic from Urban, Gold bangle and gold bracelet, black leggings, black boots.

This is actually going to be a bit of a short post because I have to get ready for work.. but I really wanted to make a post to tell you that I AM still interested in blogging, I just haven't had time in the past couple months!!! I really appreciate all of my followers sticking by even with my lack of posting.. and i'd like to give a big WELCOME to all my new followers!!!!! Thanks everyone for reading my blog, and I promise you will have more interesting posts coming up this month!!! <3

Another set of "looks" pics... i've got lots from the months that I haven't been blogging!! haha These next set of pics are going to be done in a diff way. I took one look and have two sets of pics showing how you can pair it with ONE different thing, but totally change the feel of the look.

First look, Style 1: Brown headband w/ small bow on the side, side messy braid, small gold hoop earrings, crystal and gold necklace that I never take off, Army colored military style jacket (shown in look above as well), floral dress from Urban, black sports bra, gold bracelets, black leggings, black clogs.

Second look, Style 2: Brown headband w/ small bow on the side, side messy braid, small gold hoop earrings, crystal and gold necklace that I never take off, Slate colored cardi from J crew, floral dress from Urban, black sports bra, gold bracelets, black leggings, black clogs.

Pairing the look w/ a light colored cardi gives it a more "feminine soft feel", as appose to the military style jacket, which was a more "edgy look.".... Little style tip for you all!! haha

Alright, I've got picture overload going on, so i'll save some other pics for the next post.... except.. look at my cat in this pic!!

... she shows up in SO MANY of my pics.. one day i'm going to do a post w/ all the pics shes gotten into.. its so cute!!

Ok i'm done. haha

So, anyway. brief recap on me before I'm totally late to work!!

" Sorry I'm late for work, I was blogging!!"... not the best excuse.. :P

Alright, well, things have been very different in terms of the "ED world" I live in. My last couple posts I was struggling, but starting to get back on track.. and then I GOT on track, WOO!!!! (for the most part) Would you like a list of things that are going better?? OK!!

1. MY exercise is OFFICIALLY under control!!! I work out 1 to 3 times A WEEK!!!! Last week I only worked out one day, and it was a 45 min run.. thats it!! yay me!!! haha

2. Peanut butter has been a fear food for me for YEARS.. but I decided to tackle that fear, and have now been eating DARK CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER (from pb and co) EVERY MORNING for breakfast.. along with OATMEAL, which was a fear food as well!! ( don't ask me why.. haha) I also have been having the cinnamon raisin pb at lunch... and many other fear foods! :)

3. I've been trying to be more social and eat more meals with people!.. I was doing a lot better w/ this a couple weeks ago.. but schedules have been busy, and its been kind of hard to get together with people.. but I'm still trying and working on being social!

4. I've been food shopping ON MY OWN!! For about 2 years, or 1.5, i've been food shopping w/ my N because I couldn't be trusted to get food on my own, and because when I would go w/ my mom it would be a lot of drama.. and well.. long story short, I really needed to go w/ her, and now I can go on my own!! YEEP!

5. I'VE STOPPED CALORIE COUNTING!!!... I use to write in a food journal EVERY DAY.. ie. time I ate, food I ate, amount, calories, exchange, what I drank, if I had appointments that day, when I went to bed, how much I exercised... IT WAS SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT!!!... so I decided to nix ALL of it, and do my best to eat a few healthy meals during the day, keep a mental tally of a round about guess to where my cals were to make sure i'm on track.. but NO WRITING ANYTHING DOWN. Its been great, really freeing :)

I attribute a lot of this to the fact that i've been so busy with working and babysitting... its kept my mind in a healthy place and more present.. so i'm not always stuck in my head and focusing on ED thoughts.

HOWEVER.. while all those things are going well.. I'm still not in the best place health/ weight wise.. and sadly, did fake my weight at my last DR appt last week. Things really have been going well in most aspects of life.. but I think that not calorie counting (while it is a good thing) has also been a negative thing in terms of me getting in enough through out the day. Its such a hard balance!!! I really want to be in a place that I can eat the right amount and not keep track of cals.. I'm just not sure that i'm in that place yet :/ ... but i'm going to keep working on it!!! I feel like i'm in such a better spot then I've been in years.. however the urge to lose weight is still there.. so its something i've been trying to fight off EVERY minute of EVERY day.. but I keep thinking of the life I want.. and having an ED won't get me there, so I can't give in to temptation.. It will be worth the fight in the end!!!!

I hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving, I'll post about that in my next post, as well as a HAPPY Hanukkah ( or any other holiday you many celebrate that has already passed).. and its getting ready for a very MERRY Christmas!!!

Be happy, Be healthy, and LIVE in the moment!! Everyone always lives for the future.. whats happening in an hour, whats happening tomorrow, when will it be friday, when will it be monday, whats happening next week, next month, next year... what about whats happening this moment?? Stop thinking about whats going to happen and focus on NOW, because you only have that moment for a SECOND.. and life passes by too fast, you don't want to miss it!!!

Have a great day and happy monday!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

LONG post.... hope you enjoy!! :)

2010-10-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Kiddos!!!

Happy monday! Break out those reading glasses and close your facebook windows, because its time to devote your full attention to THIS SCREEN. :D

Life has been a bit crazy lately.. I've picked up more shifts at work and have been busy every day, so posting is on the back burner and probably will be for a while... SORRY!!!! :X I will still be posting.. and probably just as often as I have been now... seeing as that hasn't been too often.. hehe :P

Firstly, i'll start out with some looks pics from a while ago... I have a lot of pics from previous weeks.. so they will trickle into each post, along with more recent ones :)

Blue button up shirt, layered over a long floral shirt, and black leggings... my shoes aren't in any of the pics.. but I was probably wearing black boots or black sandals.

Alright, so to recap from last post, this is the list that I wrote out for you all on things that are updates in my life.

1. I got my boot of last wednesday!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!! Finally wearing a pair of shoes again!!!.... ohhh, how i've missed that :P

2. I almost told the truth to my Dr. ( i'll explain.. haha)

3. No more ADD meds... :'( wahhh!!!

4. My birthday was on friday (october 1st) and now i'm 19!!!!!!!! AHH!! I'm almost out of my teen years!!

5. I got a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pictures posted underneath, of course)

6. I get my braces off next week!!!! HOLLA!!!!!!! haha, stupid pesky bottom braces that no one actually cares about but me.. soooooo glad to never have to deal with these metal demons anymore!!!! :8 <--- thats me with braces.. haha

7. I get my license next week!!!!... I know, I know, 19, with a car and no license? What can I say, I like to take my time with things :D haha (fingers crossed that I pass the road test!!!!... parallel parking.. you scare me.)

8. I saw Jersey Boys!!!!! SUCHHHH a GREAT musical----->* I recommend*

9. I can work out again!!!!!!!!!! So far so good, no over exercising (technically)... lets keep it that way!!

10. I figured out what I want to do for a career!!!!!.... I think..? I mean can you ever REALLY know?...

... now, to elaborate on each of those things, this is the UPDATED version of this update :)

1. Not only did I get my boot off, I also returned the wheelchair I was given, NO MORE WHEELS!!!!!! HOLLAAAAA!!! :P

2. I had been lying about my weight in my Dr. appointment for weeks because I had to be a certain weight to get my ADD meds. At first, the reason I was doing this was because I figured there was no harm in lying at the first appointment, because I planned to actually get to that weight anyway, so no one would know the difference. Well, what ended up happening was I lost weight.. so tricking my weight was getting very elaborate and very out of hand... and on top of that I felt so devious and evil for lying like that. At my last appointment, I came clean and said I had lied about my weight ( truth) but then said I was XX when I was really X ( lie). Basically, I didn't want to tell her my actual weight because I knew she would freak, but I wanted to tell her I'd been lying.. so I told her the # I was when I first started tricking my weight.. before I had lost more. Confusing, I know, so hopefully you were all able to follow that.. but the point is, I told the truth, but am still stuck in a lie. I've been working with my N, and have gotten my weight up a bit, so my plan is to go into my next appointment totally honest with her.. explaining everything I just told all of you, and telling my Dr. my true weight.

3. Because I didn't meet my weight goal at my last appointment, I got taken off my ADD meds :( ... my goal is to ACTUALLY get to the weight goal she has set this time, and get the pills back. It sucks because I got to experience a clear head and a focused mind for the first time.. and then it got taken away.. so its a HUGE motivator for me to get on track with my weight goals.

4. SO YEAH, it was my birthday... yayyyyy. I didn't really do anything on my actual birthday.. but the next day I picked up my car from the dealer went to my favorite frozen yogurt place, and salad place with my friend.. so it was a good day :).... ( besides the fact that someone hit my car door when I was parallel parked.. >.< grrr)

( I woke up to a teddy bear with flowers and balloons :D... my birthday look was rolled light ripped jeans, gold(ish) tone belt, black shirt, black cardi, and espadrilles.

5. As I mentioned, I GOT A CAR!!!!! (pictures in the last post).... I love it :)

6. Yeah.. I mean not much more I can say about getting my braces off.. other then I'm really happy to be able to feel my bottom teeth, and not metal sticking out and poking my lip!! :D

7. I stated that I was going to be getting my license... well... I got my LICENSE this past thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!! *finally* So now I can enjoy my car alll by myself!!! I'm loving the freedom, sooooooo happy.

8. I saw Jersey Boys the night before my birthday... it was a GREAT musical!!! Here are some pics of me that night, and some pics from the show and the beautiful theatre.

9. I've been doing well with being able to work out again and not taking it to the extreme that I was before. (THANK GOODNESS!!!) I still haven't gone for a run because I'm nervous to re-injure my feet.. but, I've done everything else, and I'm sooo relieved to have this back in my life!!!! Exercise is such a stress relief, and really brings me a lot of happiness.. so, needless to say, I was a bit of a mess not being able to partake in it for months.. YUCK. I think working more has also helped to keep me on track with exercise.. because if I'm working, I can't take that exercise class in the morning, afternoon, and night like I use to.

10. Well, I've figured out ( from working at the day care at my gym) that I REALLY like working with kids, and I think I want to be a school teacher!!! Preferably elementary school, maybe first grade, but.. yeah!! Its weird because I have so many things I want to do with my life.. I want to go into fashion, photography, and now teaching.. we'll just have to see where life takes me, I guess!

Well, I hope that was a long enough post for you all!!!! haha! Lots of pictures... and updates.

I've been struggling off and on since my last post. I'm able to stay on track for 3 or 4 days.. and then my calories start to suck again... :/ .... however, the past 4 days i've been on track, and am working really hard to KEEP it that way this time!!! I don't want to keep doing this back and forth with myself, I need to do well, and try my hardest to stick to it!!!! I'm really struggling with the fact that I have to gain weight.. I'm at the point in my ED that I don't see it at all. I use to know my body so well that I could look in the mirror and I would know my exact weight.. but now.. all I see is someone who is huge :( Its hard to do the right thing knowing I'm going to gain weight, and my body image will just get worse.. but I have to keep telling myself that once I stick with it for a while, my mind will be nourished and adjust to what is TRUE and not what it THINKS is true..... I also have to work on BELIEVING that statement.. but I'm trying!!!

Last of the looks pics for this post.. this is from the day I gave back my wheelchair! haha

Ralph Lauren Red zippy, skinny jeans, short brown cowboy boots, black tank top, navy blue ribbon in my hair.

Heres some quotes and facebook status' i've written and posted recently to keep myself motivated..

‎"Tonight when you lay your head on your pillow, forget how far you still have to go. Look instead at how far you've already come."

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

"people should strive to be happy with who they are and not be obsessed with how they look. beauty is nothing."

One of my Facebook status'--> Everyday you have the ability to choose. You choose whether today will be the same as yesterday, or whether it will be something completely different. You choose. Don't wait for change to happen, make it happen. Choose. ♥

Another one of my Facebook status'--> Mind over matter. Control your thoughts, don't let them control you. ♥

"We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it."

Have a great week everyone!!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

Little update from my frazzled mind!!! Sorry its taken so long!!

2010-10-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!!!!

Sorry for the long hiatus from blogging.. I just haven't felt like posting in a while... :x SORRY!!!!!! Nothing personal!!!! haha

A lot has actually been going on recently.. as usual, let me break out a list to organize my thoughts.. :D

BUT, before I do that, I'll start out with a few "looks" picks..

Black blazer, black tank top, black pants/ leggings things I got in London, chunky "elephant" necklace

LIFE:

1. I got my boot of last wednesday!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!! Finally wearing a pair of shoes again!!!.... ohhh, how i've missed that :P

2. I almost told the truth to my Dr. ( i'll explain.. haha)

3. No more ADD meds... :'( wahhh!!!

4. My birthday was on friday (october 1st) and now i'm 19!!!!!!!! AHH!! I'm almost out of my teen years!!

5. I got a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pictures posted underneath, of course)

6. I get my braces off next week!!!! HOLLA!!!!!!! haha, stupid pesky bottom braces that no one actually cares about but me.. soooooo glad to never have to deal with these metal demons anymore!!!! :8 <--- thats me with braces.. haha

7. I get my license next week!!!!... I know, I know, 19, with a car and no license? What can I say, I like to take my time with things :D haha (fingers crossed that I pass the road test!!!!... parallel parking.. you scare me.)

8. I saw Jersey Boys!!!!! SUCHHHH a GREAT musical----->* I recommend*

9. I can work out again!!!!!!!!!! So far so good, no over exercising (technically)... lets keep it that way!!

10. I figured out what I want to do for a career!!!!!.... I think..? I mean can you ever REALLY know?...

So, those are my 10 topics to talk about.. BUT, I'm going to have to string you all along and talk about them in my NEXT post because I have to get up early for work tomorrow, and I'm supper tired!!! I didn't want to leave you all with out another update since its been foreverrrrrr, so I thought a little teaser would do the trick until I have more time for a proper post :D hehe

Here are a bunch of "looks" pics from a couple weeks ago... loved this outfit :)

Blue "blouse like" silk shirt with black detail trimming the collar, along with a flower, a black belt with patent leather appearance on the buckle, black skirt Urban Outfitters high wasted skirt, black leggings

I'll end this post off with some quotes that I really like, and find to be pretty inspirational/ motivational...

" Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." <-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. " <--Thomas Edison

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control." <-- I don't remember the author of this one.. haha whoops :x

Hope everyone has been doing well!!!! Again, sorry for my lack of posting.. part of it has been because I was so busy, and part of it has been.. truthfully, i've been struggling a bit and was having a hard time admitting it.. and a bit ashamed to talk about it because I feel like I should be doing better by now. I thought that maybe if I didn't blog for a while, and waited until I was doing better, I wouldn't even have to mention the fact that i've slipped.. but i've waited weeks and I'm still not in the best place. Regardless, I'm trying to move forward and get back on track... and I HAVE been doing better the past few days!! Just thought i'd let you all know what was going on.. I'll be posting again later this week, or early next week to elaborate on the list that I made :D haha.

Stay strong everyone, and don't give up the fight!!!! Its the one fight I GUARANTEE is truly worth fighting for!!!! After all, its your life... <3

xoxo
- A <3

Remembering, Motivating, Thanking, and Updating.. four themes for todays post!!

2010-09-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hello all!!!!!

Today is September 11, 2010... 9 years ago today, a total tragedy shook the world. I feel like I should acknowledge
all the lives that were lost, the troops who are still deployed, and the families waiting for their safe return before I were to begin my post. Please try to spend this day being mindful of what occurred 9 years ago.

Alright, now moving on to my post <3

Before I really get into anything, I wanted to share with you all a question/ statement that was posted on my formspring. This person wrote this in response to an answer I gave to a previous question that was asked. I feel like the response I gave may resinate with some people, and work as a fresh burst of motivation.

Question/Statement:

"Im equally scared of falling back and moving forward. obviously with the relapse side im afraid of the pain and loneliness... but with moving forward, im afraid ill lose the only thing i can control... that ill lose all control and i won't be able to see myself in truth. *by that i mean the typical self loathing* because i need that to keep me on track, to make sure i never settle for what i am, to always want to be better. im just afraid. it is so much easier to fall back. i don't want to be...
vulnerable. my control is my defense. when everything around me is spinning into chaos, i know i can depend on that. if i let go of that part of me, ... i just don't know. thats why im scared."

My response:
"Everything you said.. every fear and every thought about control, I can totally relate to.. as can many people with an eating disorder. Becoming vulnerable, facing your feelings of worthlessness and self loathing, losing control of your life.. all of those things become temporarily "fixed" by your eating disorder.. making it so much harder to realize you need to let go of your favorite coping skill because its actually killing you. In reality, you may be able to escape those things in your life through your eating disorder, however, having an eating disorder actually thrusts all of those things back upon yourself. While entrenched in an eating disorder, you LOSE CONTROL of your thoughts and life, you have feelings of WORTHLESSNESS and SELF LOATHING that the eating disorder thrusts upon you, your life does in fact turn to CHAOS.. its just now, all in a different way, and is a direct result of your eating disorder.
Eating disorders are a shield from the world and a mask from your feelings.. but how can you grow as a person and experience life when your always hidden behind a shield? How can you be happy and form relationships when your true feelings are always hidden behind a mask? Its true, its much easier to slip back then to push forward.. but if you take the fight out of the equation and just look at life, what do you want more? To experience the world with NOTHING hiding you and holding you back?... or being trapped in a world with chaos permanently ingrained in your head.. berated by voices of worthlessness that can only be masked by life threatening behavior? When you think about it, its worth the fight to recover, rather then the surrender of relapse.

Your ED is a part of your life, yes, but its not who you are, and its not a part of you.. as much as it may feel like its your identity, or all you've know. It may have been always there for you.. but really think about how "there for you" it truly was. Its as supportive as a cheating boyfriend, as hurtful as an abusive parent, and as unhealthy as a drug addiction... you deserve better, everyone does. Don't give up the fight because of the fear that you are losing your most dependable relationship, give up the relationship because the fight is what will bring you all of the support, love, and encouragement you need to live your life."

Since starting my formspring, i've been amazing by how open people have been in sharing their feelings and concerns with me, and it feels so amazing to hear that my responses have been able to help motivate some, and teach others what an Eating disorder really is. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask me on my formspring, the link is on the right hand side of my blog.. near the top I believe.

ALRIGHTYY, moving on to the quick thanking portion of this post! :P

I really wanted to thank everyone for the supportive comments and well wishes on my last post!! Every comment you all leave really means a lot to me, and your encouragement really helps motivate me, so THANK YOU ALL MY LOVELY BLOGGERS!!!! I hope you can all take your own advice and encouragement, you deserve it <3

To start my little update, heres some (LOTS) of my "looks" pics from yesterday...

Light shade of army green jacket military inspired jacket, long black tunic with beaded embellishments, layered over a black tank top with white lace trim at the top, and a maroon sports bra, black leggings, black sandal, and my boot :)

I do have other "looks" photos from different days.. but i'll save them for next post.. :)

So, since I can't really do anything, I haven't been up to anything interesting.. unless you count Drs. appointments and work.. haha. However, because of this, i've had lots of time for my little "photo shoots" in my back yard!! wooo!!! ... yeah, i'm a dork and I accept that. :P ....BUTTTTTTT I feel like its less dorky this time as appose to the other times i've done this because I really have NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!!! haha. And, not gonna lie, I have fun taking pictures of myself because is FAR more challenging then taking pictures of anything else. Its easy to go around, see a shot of something that inspires you, and capture that feeling/ moment in just a few tires.. if not the first. However, when your trying to take your own picture, it takes a lot more time, set up, practice shots at different angles to see if your actually in the picture, lighting testing, exact timing from when you press the shutter release ( or in my case, the space bar on your computer.. haha), to when you set up in the position you want for the shot, and a lot more shots until it actually looks the way I intended it too. I also love styling outfits for the "shoots".. although usually the whole reason i'm doing one is because I like the outfit that i've picked out to wear that day.. haha. Because of all this, in the end I feel really accomplished when I can come out with some pictures that actually look good. ( please not that by look good i'm not referring to my looks, just the quality, lighting, and feeling i'm trying to portray in the picture. ) I'n a real photoshoot, I know that all that work and MORE is what goes into taking a great picture of someone else.. which is why I think I would LOVE to do fashion photography as I said in an earlier post.. but right now I don't have the tools to be able to set all of that up at my house and photograph people.. so for right now i'll stick with the challenge of photographing myself! haha.

After that wonderful day of positivity ( the last time I posted)... I ended up having quite a few negative gloomy days that followed. I realized that i'll most likely have to wear this boot for my birthday.. which means my initial plans of going to the NEDA walk in NYC and hanging out with my friends that weekend will most likely not happen....which means this will be the first year that I have to spend my birthday totally alone (yes my parents will be around.. but thats a story for a different day..) :( Then I realized I wouldn't be able to do this community service thing ( which was actually today) that I was looking forward to since I signed up... total disappointment. Then, finding out that I wasn't allowed to do ANY exercise, like, no pilates or anything, and being given a wheelchair to use by my Dr. realllyyyyyy put a damper on my mood. I don't have to use the wheelchair all the time.. just if I want to go out and do things that involve walking... like going shopping around my area or going to the mall, working at the front desk at my job, or going to the park... so basically I just wont do those things because I do NOT want to use it. haha. My mom really wants to take me for a "stroll" and wheel me around the park... OH MAN. WHAT A PARTY. Haha :P .... Idk, things have just been hard for me because I haven't been able to adjust my mind regarding this whole "sedentary thing"... I mean my body is all for it and supper pumped to have a break.. but my mind is like HELLLLLLLLLL NO, man!! Truthfully, I probably wouldn't have been allowed to do that little "photo shoot" because it was a lot of standing and such.. but I have to be able to have SOME sort of fun if im going to be confined to my house with no one to keep me company! I mean really.. there are only so many times you can watch Jersey shore re-runs and the food network channel before your brain starts screaming for a different activity!!! In a sense, I almost feel like not being able to do things is worse then being in treatment. <--- let me explain before heads roll, lol. I just mean, when I was in treatment, everything I liked to do (or most things) got taken away. I wasn't allowed to go to the gym, go for walks, go for runs, take pictures, go to the mall (unless on pass)... and overall just had a ton of down time when I wasn't in the appointments or groups. I always had a hard time with not being able to do active things while I was in treatment, but the part that made it better was being with people 24/7 and always having a friend around to talk to or hang out with. Now, I have all that taken away, BUT, I have no one to come over and hang out with me.. so i'm doing nothing, and am by myself. Having that solitude, I feel, has made ED decided that he'll keep me company so I wont be alone. Sweet, right?? >.< GRRRR. I need to get out of my head and keep my "eye on the prize" but i'm struggling to keep myself motivated and follow my meal plan. I know I mentioned that in my last post.. and it did get better for a couple days, but i'm having trouble keeping the momentum going... all this free time is just giving me a chance to pick apart my flaws and body image issues, and is giving me (ED) more reasons to not follow my meal plan. Staying busy physically was a way for me to keep my mind occupied on other things.. so I need to figure out a way that I can do that at home. Any suggestions???? I know read, draw, obvs, do photography or something.. but idk.. I mean I do love to do all of those things.. but it gets boring after a while!! haha I don't want to be a debbie downer.. I really should keep reminding myself that it isn't permanent, and enjoy this little break from exercise that I have. One positive thing that came out of this is that I did realize how important feet are!! haha As people keep saying, maybe this was a good thing that happened because now I have the chance to change my exercise habits and create healthy ones.. and while i'm scared that I wont be able to stop myself once I start.. I have plenty of time to mentally prepare for the fact that i'm going to HAVE to stop over exercising.

before I go, heres some less artsy, more fun photos expressing my "love" for my boot.... haha :P Let me just say, the stickers I put all over it LEGIT make me happier.. haha, idk why!!! Maybe because they are so darn cute?? Idk, but, i'm telling ya, stickers work as a great mood booster! :) hehe

Tomorrow, I have a brunch with some of the family members on my dad's side of the family, so thats something i'm looking forward to!! I get to see my half sister, with her husband and two children.. and I think my two other half siblings (brother and sister), with their wife/husband and children as well. Along with some other family members that I don't get to see often.. so i'm excited!!! I may even get to see some of them tonight.. we'll see. :)

I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!!!!! ...and if not make sure you are asking for support and trying to get back on track!!!! :)
I also hope the balance of positivity and negativity worked out in this post so that it still managed to be semi motivational for people!!! haha :D
Have a great night everyone, and a great weekend!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

HELLO UPDATE!!!!!!! Don't stop following me yet, i'm still here!! :P

2010-09-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hello boys and girls!!!!!

FIRSTLY ----> HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Sorry its been so long since i've updated... lots Lots LOTS of stuff has been going on and I lost my lust for updating! :x

However, a fresh burst of positivity is gracing my presence today, so a new blog update it is!!

Here is a wee, preview of one of the things going on in my life....

.... this, my friends, is the newest uninvited addition to my life. Not quite sure what you're looking at? This little beauty is a walking cast.. ie. a Boot.. and a decked out version at that. ( it really needed some stickers and color to add a little girlie, happy, fun, flare.) Its currently being bounced back and forth between both of my feet because I fractured them both... "womp womp wompppp"
"How does one fracture both of their feet?" ....you may ask? By partaking in none other then the lovely Over exercising addiction. Let this be a lesson for you kids, although you may not think it is possible that too much exercise can break your feet.. apparently it is INDEED possible!!! So, let me paint you a picture of my life the past week or so..
* picture me---> sitting at home, watching TV, going on my computer, eating, going to Dr. appointments, and going to work... * My life ladies and gentlemen.. my life. Granted, my life truly wasn't much more exciting then that to begin with.. but at least I could take kickboxing, go on runs/ walks outside, dance, do various exercises at the gym.. ect. I did get to partake in a couple pilates classes.. so that was nice... but didn't satisfy my exercise appetite ONE BIT.

Another life preview? OK!!!...

I went to visit one of my best friends A in Long Island a couple weeks ago.. yay!!!! Loved seeing her!!! We met in treatment a couple years ago at my first stay, and then both went back my second stay.. so she was in treatment with me both times incidentally.. which I think gave us a stronger bond. I talk to her on the phone all the time, and she is one of my biggest supporters, so I was SOO excited to finally go visit her!

Last preview for now...

.... well i'm sure you think this is a few "looks" pics.. ( which this outfit will be eventually, but thats not what these ones are meant for because i'm not going to be talking about the outfit right now.. haha)... these are pics of my new hair cut!! (yet not so new because it was weeks ago.. haha.) I know, I know, you prob can't tell because my hair is still pretty long.. but it was 3 inches longer and all the layers and angles had grown out, so I had to spruce it up a tad :)

Basically, things have been a bit ruff recently because of the whole "boot" thing... A couple weeks before I got it, I was doing GREAT!!! Like, totally rocking out my meal plan, challenging myself, going over my needed cals, cutting down on exercise, pretty much exuding positivity out of my a**... and then splat. There is a mental difference between not exercising because you are trying to get better, and not exercising because you physically can't... which is your own fault. The second one is much more frustrating and anger producing, lemme tell ya!! >.< Its also a bit frightening.. my ED has really been freaking out and saying the meanest things possible to make me feel guilty for not exercising and still eating my meal plan. Hence why I haven't been meeting my meal plan... :X I know that just because i'm not able to exercise doesn't mean I shouldn't eat the same amount of calories I was consuming when I WAS able to exercise... but ED doesn't know that.

" HEY ALL YOU ED'S OUT THERE, LISTEN UP!!! "

Just because you are not as active, doesn't mean your body doesn't still need food. People need calories just to LIVE, not just to EXERCISE. This is the perfect opportunity to really work on yourself with out distractions! Work on the mental ED issues, work on perfecting your meal plan, and work on figuring out a healthy exercise routine once exercise is a possibility! I'm not just saying this to myself, i'm saying it to all of you. Whether you are in a position where you are unable to exercise, or are simply struggling with an over exercising problem, MAKE yourself take off a week of exercise. Let yourself feel all the anxiety and emotions that not exercising brings up, and then DEAL WITH THEM. Its not a permanent thing, you will exercise again, you wont gain a bunch of weight or get fat because you stopped for a week, but you WILL gain some insight about yourself.

Truthfully, I have been a real Debbie Downer the past couple weeks.. feeling lonely, anxious, angry at my self and my body, and just flat out miserable.. but for some reason I woke up today feeling hopeful and positive, so it ended up being a great day for a post!

Hope everyone is doing well, and i'll elaborate more in depth on the little "previews" I just gave in my next post.

Thanks for being patient will me and not deleting me from the blogs you follow!!! haha :D

Have a great night everyone, and a great week!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Realizations, Explanations, and Appreciations

2010-08-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Hello my dears,

I have a few things I wanted to say that have been on my mind and didn't feel like waiting a week or so to post like I usually do... so be ready to concentrate on this very long post!!! :D

Firstly, I really just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments on my last post. It really brightens my day and is sooo motivational to read such encouraging words from you amazing bloggers. The support from the blog world and through facebook has helped me sooo much on the hard days and has motivated me multiple times to try my best to make you all proud. So again THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! I go back and re-read your comments when I need a little boost of motivation and inspiration to challenge myself that day.

With that said.. sometimes i'm scared to be 100% honest on my blog because I don't want to disappoint anyone.. or have people stop reading my blog and offering support. I like to be positive because I feel that being positive really helps to be proactive in doing the right thing.. but sometimes I may be more positive on my blog then I feel in the current day. Recently, I truly HAVE been soo motivated and so ready to get rid of this ED. However.. I feel like I only talk about how motivated I am and how well I want to be doing.. not how much of a struggle it is to achieve that. I feel like i've kicked EDs ass with challenging myself this week.. trying different foods and striving to meet my meal plan, but even still, a couple times I did let over exercising kick MY ass. I don't want to paint myself as the perfect recovery person.. I do try to start my days off in a positive way, but sometimes things don't turn out well by the end of the day. I know its like that with everyone working on recovery, I just hate admitting how much of a struggle it is to do the right thing day after day. I hate how every day can be soooo different! I can have an amazing day, challenged myself, knock ED down and make him angry.. sometimes that can even happen 2 or 3 days in a row!!.. but then he comes back attacking my body and knocks me down. My hope is that those 2 to 3 days can turn into a week, then two, then be able to say i'm truly in recovery.. i'm just not 100% sure how to go about completely turning off the awful things ED says day in and day out. I've recently been telling myself, if I can tell myself i'm fat and believe it, then I can tell myself i'm thin and believe it. I want to believe it.

I want recovery so bad.. but sometimes I feel like I don't want the recovery body, and that scares me.. because with one comes the other. I'm starting to realize that there IS an in between.. its not all black and white. You don't have to be sickly skinny, or "healthy fat looking"... you can be skinny and HEALTHY.. so I have to stop attaching words onto healthy that just simply don't belong there. Healthy should be linked with happy, thats it. You can't be sick and happy. You just can't. I mean, how much of my life do I want to spend obsessing over certain bones that NO ONE thinks is attractive, or blobs of fat that NO ONE else can see but me? Its just not worth it.. and I don't know whats changed, but I do feel that something has shifted in my mindset. I'm more able to look at a sickly thin girl and feel bad.. truthfully sometimes I still feel envious.. but i've been trying to remind myself to look past that body. I try to think of how that person is feeling.. tired, weak, sick, unhappy, most likely hungry, and alone... and I know that I never want to feel that way again. I think part of the reason I have such a hard time imagining myself with out an ED is because i've really had it most of my life.. so I don't know what its like. What do you think about if you're not thinking about weight, calories, food, numbers, exercise.. how do you function? I want to learn.. and I think the only way to do that is by trying to be around people who don't have those thoughts, or had them and are now able to live a normal life. I want to be one of those people that can say "yeah, I may not be ok with my body, but i'm ok with my friends, my life, my happiness, and thats enough for me." I even think that, if I can change my image of what is beautiful.. I may even like my body for what it is. If I can change my mindset from thinking stick thin models with bones and clothes hanging off are beautiful, and switch it to a healthy muscular figure and... dare I say breasts.. with clothes fitting just right, I feel like my ED could be powerless to me.

Quite honestly, yesterday was a hard day for me. I had over exercised the day before.. to an extreme, and as a result of that, my body was really beaten down and not able to function at all the next day. I haven't felt that way in a long time.. and it really brought me back to the days that I would struggle.. and feeling that ill was an every day occurrence that I deemed to be normal. It made me realize how much I enjoy being able to go about my day feeling alive and able to function, not in a fog and cringing every step in pain. It made me sooo angry that I gave into my ED, and determined to do the right thing and help my body feel better. I ended up staying in bed all day ( after my nutritionist appointment).. and then going to whole foods where I challenged myself to a vegan pizza as PART of my dinner.. and made sure to meet my meal plan. It was hard for me to rationalize that it would be ok not to exercise and follow my meal plan.. but ultimately I knew I would be fine.. and it was my own fault for putting myself in the position in the first place. I spent all day thinking, reflecting, and talking to a couple friends.. and it really helped me come to a few important realizations. I've realized that I LIKE food. I LIKE trying new things.. and finding new healthy foods truthfully excites me. I feel like i'm truly doing something good for my body, and I have almost no guilt after eating. I also LIKE putting new foods together and creating new things. I LIKE creating healthy balanced meals and not putting a ton of calorie restrictions on what I want. Yes, i'm still struggling with higher calorie foods, but i'm introducing more things, and recently, i've been writing down all my favorite foods and making sure I incorporate them in my day. Most importantly i've realized that I can ENJOY recovery.. I can fuel my body with foods that make me feel good, it doesn't have to be such a struggle.

With allll of that said, here are some "Looks" pics from the other day!! haha.. Blue ruffled satin shirt, Dark grey high wasted skirt, black leggings ( not pictured) and black patent leather espadrilles with a "wood type" finish on the base. ( not pictured).. it was too hard to get my whole body in the pics and I didn't have time to go outside.

Sometimes I feel like its hypocritical of me to admit that i'm self conscious, but then post pictures on my blog.. and I wonder what image i'm portraying towards my readers. For me, I post these pics for a couple reasons. One is because it gives me an outlet when i'm struggling with my ED... and combines two of my favorite ways of self expression. The first is fashion, going through my wardrobe and putting together outfits that I like, takes my mind off of the over exercise I want to be doing.. or the triggering blog/ website I shouldn't be looking at. The second is photography. I truly enjoy photographing the outfits and then going back later that week/ month/ year and seeing all the different styles i've created with my clothes. I also love editing photos by playing with the lighting, cropping pictures, taking things at different angles, showing off the outfit in different settings against different backgrounds. I feel like from doing this, i've realized that I would love to be a fashion photographer.. or a stylist, and I feel like it gives me great practice. I also love to write.. so maybe i'd like to work for a fashion magazine? I also like to post "looks" pictures because, from reading other blogs, i've realized that having pictures of outfits is something I really enjoy to see.. so I wanted to incorporate that in my blog as well. This is my blog, and sometimes I fear that I shouldn't put certain pictures up because of what people will think of me.. but really.. I want to be doing this for me, and not for anyone else. I want my blog to be an outlet where I just spill my thoughts, post my pictures, and connect with people who feel the same way/ have the same interests as me. Its almost like i'm documenting my recovery for myself, so one day I can look back at all of these posts and see how my thought process has changed. Who knows, this blog may end up switching to more of a fashion/ photography blog the further I am in the recovery process. Point being, right now this blog works for me, it motivates me, gives me an outlet, offers support, and encourages me to work as hard as I can on recovery.

I feel like this was quite the serious post, but I just have so many thoughts swirling around my brain that I really couldn't focus on making witty comments!! haha

I hope everyone is having a great summer, and able to find days that motivate them to push past the difficult ones.

Here are a couple inspirational quotes my friend M shared with me..

"I am free to choose. Everything I am and everything I become is under my own control."

‎"Many things are possible if I accept the fastest way is one step at a time."

and one of my personal favorites...

" If you always do what you always did, the you always get what you always got."

Thanks again for all of your support, and I'll talk to you all soon!!!

p.s. what do you think of my new blog layout??.. its kind of like the color scheme of my room.. I hope you like it!! haha :D

xoxo

- A <3

Back!! Raring and ready to go!!!

2010-08-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey, bloggers!!! I'm back from South Carolina (Kiawah) and soooo happy I went!!!

NEW BURST OF MOTIVATION= NEW BLOG LAY OUT!! :D

( I'm trying to stay focused and write this post.. but i'm watching Iron Chef and I really can't pay attention to my blog!! haha)

FOCUS A, FOCUS!!!!

okay, so a little recap of my trip and first day home..

It was wonderful staying with my half sister, her husband, and two children. I've never really spent much time with any of them, so it was great to be able to get to know everyone better. I spent most of my time with F and M.. F= my half sister, M= her husband :)... and we had a lot of intense, but really great conversations. They were soo supportive, generous, hospitable, caring, and just over all really amazing people. They also have a really great marriage, so that was really nice to se. I ate a lot of challenging foods and met my meal plan every single day, so i'm really proud of myself for that!! I'll admit, I was triggered at times because I felt like I was eating wayy more then everyone else, and much more often.. but I had to try to not focus on what other people were doing, and realize that i'm doing what I need to do FOR ME. We did a lot of my favorite things in just a few days!! We went on bike rides, went to the gym, did yoga and pilates, got massages, got manicures and pedicures, went shopping, watched movies, played board games, enjoyed each others company, went out for healthy food.. overall it was just an amazing time and i'm SOOO GLAD I worked hard to meet my goal weight to be allowed to go. It was worth it, and I can't wait to see them all again. I only have one picture from the trip at the moment.. so I think i'll wait until they send me some, before I put any up.

Now, on to when I got back..

The problem with me going away, is that I ALWAYS do well when i'm away from home and out of my routine... that said.. every time I come back.. i'm all disheveled and off track.. EVERY TIME!!!!!!! IDK WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...the day I got back it was dinner time, so we went to Whole Foods so I could get some food for dinner. (I LOVE Whole Foods.. it makes me feel so safe... I feel like it radiates health :D haha )

STOP. PICTURE TIME. ... ok so I have a lot of pics I want to fit into this post, so I decided to throw some in righttttttt nowwwwww.

Striped black and grey shirt from London.. I don't remember which store, black wedges, and.... Lucky Brand SKINNY JEANS!!!!!... yes, I decided to wear jeans as part of my "learn to love your body" movement that I'm doing.. for myself. haha. ( explanation to come)... I have a really hard time wearing jeans because I truly feel like they make my legs look hugeeeee, but...... I think as a way to combat that thought, i'm going to chose a day and MAKE myself go all day in them so I can confront those thoughts and accept my body!

ANYWHO, so that night I got back I was fine.. but I found that my body image was getting increasingly worse.. I actually felt like I was looking heavier and heavier as the hours went by. It was terrifying. I kept trying to tell myself that wasn't possible.. but it was really hard to believe since I could SEE and FEEL it. Needless to say.. the more upset and self conscious I felt about my body, the more I started to fall off track. Long story short, TODAY was a great day!!.. haha, yes I was struggling until today.. but I had decided last night that I wasn't going to let the way I perceive my body keep me from getting healthy! I don't want to keep this endless cycle in my life anymore.. struggling, getting motivated and gaining.. feeling fat and being triggered, struggling, losing, then getting motivated again.. SO TIRING!!! Enough is enough! I have to just go for it and start every day with a positive outlook. No, I don't like my body.. but I don't need to tell myself that. I need to start telling myself that I AM thin, that I AM beautiful, that I AM worth recovery.. and ignore what my ED says. Bottom line, I want to be FULLY happy and I will NEVER be FULLY happy having an ED.. the most I could be is half because I may achieve the body I want, but the rest of my life will just go to sh*t. (pardon my frenchhh haha) Despite feeling huge and actually gaining a bit of weight, I still didn't completely meet my goal at my next Dr. visit.. so I wore my leggings... and water loaded again :/ BUT NOT MUCH!! I'm determined to meet that first goal, and I know I will because I'm going to keep following my meal plan. I'm not one of those people who says they have to do something and never do, this is legit, I want a life and I want to please my team.. so this isn't me SAYING i'm going to do it, IM CURRENTLY DOING IT. My trouble is staying motivated.. but i'm trying not to think about that at all right now, because i'm currently VERY motivated, and the present is all that matters!!!

The other day a couple of my friends from work invited me to go shopping, and then cliff jumping. The shopping part I was totally down for, but the thought of wearing a bathing suit while I was feeling like a giant balloon was NOT soo appealing..
I also didn't want to jump in because I wouldn't have enough time to shower before the class I wanted to take at the gym.. lol. I did end up going with them...but when they went cliff jumping, I just watched and took pictures for them with my phone.. lol. They did get a couple shots with me when they were done, so i'll show them too you!!! .. my friend asked me to crop her out, so its pics of me and cropped out people.. lol.

My outfit is my favorite black with little flowers, high waisted skirt.. with a satin, dark pink ruffled shirt, black belt, black leggings, and black sandals.

Next time they go, i'm going to jump with them!! I'm not letting my ED keep me from having fun!

I think the next post I do will be a fashion post.. I've gone on a lot of little shopping trips, so I have lots of fun and exciting new things to show you all!! I finally bought myself a Marc Jacobs purse before I went on vacation... so that will be one of the pics in my fashion post :)

Alright everyone.. this has taken me well over an hour because i'm just too distracted, so i'm gonna end this post!! haha

If you have an questions for me, feel free to visit my formspring!.. the link is on the side on my blog---> over thereish haha

Have a great night, and great week!!!! Stay motivated everyone, think of the goal, think of your hopes and dreams, think of your LIFE... you don't want your ED to be a part of it... so don't let it!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Mini vacation!! so hype :).... and the dreaded water loading :(

2010-07-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

Helloooooo, bloggers!

I just wanted to give you all a quickly little update and fill you in on LIFE before I go away to KIAWAH ( South Carolina ) to visit my family for a week.

Before I get into the update, here are some pics I took with my friend when we went into the city.. ( not NYC ) These are actually pics I took before I met up with her.. specifically so I would have some fashion bloggy pics for you all to look at!! haha, and a few from the city.

Floral high waisted skirt, black belt, black footless tights, black J crew flip flops, black tank top, black Coach bag, long chunky Lucky brand necklace, and oversized sunglasses.

This is gonna be a shorttttttt post, because its almost 2:30 am and I should be sleeping since i'm waking up in a few hours!!

I went shopping again.. ahhh!!! TOTALLY need to stop shopping because I now have NO money... but we were in the city.. HOW DO YOU NOT SHOP IN THE CITY?!?! answer- YA DON'T. ( sorry i'll use I statements... I <----- DON'T)... and H&M was having a killer sale that I just NEEDED to take part in. Ya know.. do my part in supporting the economy and all. :P

I've had a buttloaddddddd of appointments this week.. almost two every day with various Drs and what not... but nothing that was all that memorable to share with you.. haha

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about body image.. I feel like thats one of the main things keeping me stuck in my ED. Its hard to see something that no one else can see.. ( or wont admit to see )... and be able to accept that. I mentioned this on a question I got on my formspring a while back, but something my therapist said I found to be really interesting. I can't remember word for word what it was, but it was something like..

" You will never be able to see yourself the way others do. You will never be able to see your full self in 3D. Every time you look in a mirror, picture, video.. its all 2 dimensional.. and the brain likes to see things in 3D, so if it can't, it will make the rest up. Because you will never be able to see yourself the way your brain wants you too ( 3D )... you will NEVER know how others see you. You'll NEVER be able to see the real you.. only a partial correct version.. while the rest is made up."

.... interesting isn't it? Ever think of it that way? I didn't.

Recently, i've been finding it more and more difficult to accept myself and my body, and come to terms with the inevitable... weight gain. >.< boo. Not pleased, not looking forward to it, not enjoying the process. Overall i'm just not a HUGE fan. Which must sound odd since everyone TOTALLY looks forward to weight gain. Idk. I've been pretty mad at myself for getting back to a place where this is even necessary. Its so stupid. I KNOW THE CYCLE BY NOW, WHY CAN'T I BRAKE IT!?! Weight loss= Weight gain... the only way to not deal with weight gain is to NOT LOSE WEIGHT!!! DUHHH!!!!!!! I need to stop thinking that losing weight will make me happy or like my body.. because even if it DOES bring me those things... it wont last because i'll have to gain it back! Its just stupid, and logically I don't understand why I put myself through this time and time again.. but, I guess thats what goes with an ED. I found myself reverting back to an old habit that I SWORE to myself I would never do again.. and i'm a bit disappointed that I did.... Water Loading. I drink and ate before my most recent Dr. appt so I would be at the weight she wanted me at... I even wore a shirt under my gown. :/ The plan was that if I was at that weight for two appointments in a row, she would give me ADD meds... and once I had them I would be allowed to take my drivers test. I really did try to meet that goal.. but I fell short.. and I didn't want to let anyone down.. so I figured lying was the best way. Rational thinking? I think NOT. Water loading is a messy road to go down.. and I know now that it probably wasn't the best idea.. but I think it will encourage me to make sure at my next appointment, the number is legit.. and I have a couple weeks to make that come true!

In other news.. my mom is moving back in and my dad is moving back out! WOOOO, love the stability in my family!! Dysfunctional?? PSH! NO, NEVER! :P

Alrighty kiddies, thats all for now.. its almost 3am! wow.. 3 hours till I get up :x yikes.
Hope you all have an AMAZING sunday!!! I'm hoping I will too!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GOSH, i'm so excited!!!!! :D

xoxo
-A <3

Blast from the past.. well.. a few months ago.. and Update on NOW :)

2010-07-11T19:32:00.001-07:00

Hey all!!!

Very short quick post because I PROMISED (on my formspring, and on here) that I would be posting more often, and I think if I wait any longer I will definitely be breaking that promise!

I've been procrastinating a post for a long as possible because I usually only like to post if I have fashion pics to go with it.. but.. I haven't wanted to take any pictures of myself recently (since florida) because I guess it was a little picture overload there, and I got really self conscious... so.. hopefully by the next post i'll have some updated outfits for you all!! I did go on this giant shopping spree the other day and I have a few pics of some of the things I bought.. but I can't find the pluggy thing that connects my camera to the computer.. so my camera is holding those pics hostage at the moment.

Sooo, not tooo much to post about because I said so freaking much in my last post.. I probably should have split that up or something.. but anywhooo..

As I mentioned, I did go on a bitttt of a shopping spree at the Mall with my friends J and R. It was really fun.. a super great day actually. I took my favorite kickboxing class in the morning, went to the mall and shopped all day, then came home and watched a movie with my friend J. AHHHH, soo great :) The only sad part is I now have no money :( haha.

I also saw Eclipse the other day... WOOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to see it a few more times so I can reallly remember it ( I think it might be wise to wait for it to come out on DVD rather then spending like 50 $ so I can see it 5 times), but from what I remember, it was great! haha

Just for the sake of feeling like I have to put pictures on my blog, here are some pics from when I was in Paris that apparently I never put up? why you ask? no clue.. haha, they were intended to go up, but I guess I had so many that I never got the chance for these ones..

So YEAH! thats Paris.. from over Spring break.. I guess, middle of March.

BACK TO THE NOW.

Things have been going pretty well. I've started seeing my Dr. every two weeks.. which is a bit of a bummer because I had finally gotten her to let me come every month.. but, I guess I need the extra support right now. (i'm going to try to get it back to ever 3 weeks soon though!!) As I think I mentioned in my last post (pretty sure but I always forget.. even though I re-read it.. haha) that I did have a mini relapse this summer, so getting back from that has been a bit challenging, but i'm still truckin! I have gotten the OK to go to Kiawah ( South Carolina ) to visit my half sister and her family (as I mentioned before) so that was super exciting!!! :D I leave on Sunday and stay until Saturday.. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I am, however, really nervous about how it will be food wise and exercise wise. I've taken my over exercising down A LOT, so i'm really proud of myself for that, but whenever I go for long periods of time with out scheduled exercise (a week is what I consider a long period of time.. haha) I come home and go crazyyyyyyy.. IDK WHY!!! Its like I feel like I need to make up for all the exercise I didn't do, or.. in a way, I feel like it gives me an excuse to over do it because I think " well, I didn't work out for a whole week, so its ok if I do an extra couple hours, because I didn't do ANY for 5 days!) probably not the right mindset, which is why i'm hoping i'll be able to squeeze in a bit while i'm there... its just the uncertainty that makes me nervous. I'm also nervous about the food aspect because i'm going to be eating all of my meals with people... none are going to be on my own, and every night they have family dinners. I'm just worried that they are going to try to push me to eat things i'm not comfortable with, or make comments that won't be all that helpful. They've never had to deal w/ anyone with an eating disorder before, so this is new and scary for them.. and they had a bit of hesitation for me to come visit, which kind of makes me feel this added pressure to make sure I do everything right. I'm hoping they give me a good amount of freedom to make my own choices with food.. but again, the uncertainty makes me really nervous/ anxious. HOWEVER, I need to keep in mind that they are my family and are just trying to help.. and I love and miss them, so I need to try to put this ED aside and enjoy myself in the time that I have with them.

Now on to, THERAPY DRAMA. There was a bit of drama with my new therapist last session.. which is a bummer because I really liked her and didn't want to have to give her an ultimatum. The issue was about weight. Go figure an ED person getting in a fight with her T over weight, but thats exactly what happened. Not so much a number problem, just the fact that I was being weighed... further explanation would probably help you understand what the heck i'm talking about! I signed a weight contract with her, and in this contract it said that she had my permission to weigh me in one of our sessions every week (I have 2 sessions a week). Well, this was all fine and dandy with me when I first signed it because I figured " I like this therapist, and i'm not going to walk away because of a stupid weight contract.. so i'll stick it out and hopefully be able to handle it"... well.. this thought was FALSE. I was not able to handle it, and quickly realized that getting weighed by my therapist every week, and weighed by my DR. every 3 weeks was making me OBSESSED with the scale again. I always had a problem with weighing myself multiple times a day.. and the only way I was able to start recovery and gain weight last year was by stopping myself from constantly stepping on the scale, and only being weighed once a month at my Dr. visits. Remembering this, I decided I needed to tell my T that this plan we agreed on was doing more damage then good, and I needed out of it ASAP.. *big buzzer noise* WRONG* YEAH.. not that easy. Her answer.. to sum it up.. was NO.. so that was a bit disappointing to say the least. We left the session on good terms ( because that was at the beginning) but the weight issue was not resolved. I REALLY didn't want to leave her as a therapist because I really liked her.. but I felt like I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I didn't know what to do because the whole point of therapy is to GET HELP, and that was the opposite of what was happening. I ended up sending her a text ( I Hateeeeeeeeeeeee with a capital H talking on the phone to anyone other then my friend Ali.. idk why.. haha) saying that if we couldn't work something out, I was going to have to find another therapist :( ... SUCCESS!!! I went in today for my next appointment to discuss this matter, and she said that as long as I was getting weighed by my Dr. I wouldn't have to be weighed by her anymore. WOOO!!!!! I WIN!!!! lol. Does anyone else feel a lot of anxiety when their weighing routine.. ie being weighed by their Dr. or N every X weeks changes, or becomes more often? I DOOOOOO! But, problem solved, and now I just have to work on not weighing myself at home anymore.

Food wise things have been good.. since I started seeing my N, i've been trying really hard to follow my weight gain MP.. some days have been harder then others.. especially the days that I step on the scale and see that its working.. AHH!!! >.< but I know thats the point, and I want to be healthy, so I need to except the change, and focus on doing the right thing. Plus.. if I make my weight for two weigh ins strait I get to be put on different ADD meds (ones that will ACTUALLY work, not the stupid ones I was put on because I have and ED and they didn't want me to lose)... YIPPYYYYY :) and once i'm on them, i'm allowed to get my drivers license... DOUBLE YIPPYYYY!!! So only good things will come from me gaining.. I MUST keep that in mind. I'm a bit worried, however, that the meds could cause me to lose weight.. which will kind of ruin everything.. but, I wont know until I try, and I want my brain to be able to focus so I am able to drive!!!

Alrighty chickies, its almost 12:00 am, and I wanted to post this before the day ends, so I'll talk to you all soon!!!!

Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

I'm alive, don't abandon my blog yet, lots of things to say and show you!!! :P

2010-06-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!!! I have LOTSSSSSSSSS of pics coming up in this post from my vacation!!!! wooo!!! this is going to be like a mini story book.. so get ready!! I'll start out with some pictures of before I left for Florida, the look of the day...

light blue ruffle tank from... some store in London, black belt, black high waisted shorts, black arm cover up thing.. kinda like a half cardi I guess?

.... next, second look.. from the second day in florida.. on my balcony :) ... Long tee with design from a store in Paris, cropped leggings, and same half cardi black thingy.. haha

I'm actually at the air port right now, but I felt really bad about not posting for weeks, so I thought a quick update with some pics was better then nothing :) Before I do that though... SORRY FOR MY LACK OF POSTING!!!! I usually try to update at least once a week, and promise I will get back to doing that again this week! :)

Reasons for lack of posting:

a) I had lots going on, and posting was the last thing on my mind.
b) Started with a new therapist and didn't feel the need to write things down because I was talking them all out! :) marvelous how that works.
c) I was exercising too much to want to sit down and write.. Blah I know, not good.. but noticed the WAS in that statement as I will soon elaborate on.
d) I started seeing my Dr. more often, so that plus therapy made my ED the last thing I wanted to talk about.
e) I was busy getting ready to graduate High school!!! WOOT WOOT

Alright, 5 reasons of why I didn't post is enough, now on to the update!!

Wow the last time I posted was the first day in June.. and now its pretty much the end.. a lot has happened!!

I like lists.. so i'm going to make another.. lol

1. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! I honestly was really scared I wasn't going to graduate because of all the school that i've missed.. especially because freshman year was really the only one I had good attendance and was there the whole year! My parents kept saying all year, "it will be a miracle if you graduate"... and when I finally did.. all they wrote on my card was.. " we didn't think you would graduate, way to go!"... ha, NICE. But true. I'm so glad to be done with high school.. honestly, this was the worst time in my life, so I can't wait to start a new chapter!! I really want to start this new phase of my life with ED behind me... which brings me to my second number on the list...

2. I lapsed.. pretty much the day after graduation things just went down hill. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because I had more free time? Maybe its because I realized its summer and I have to wear shorts and other clothes that I haven't worn since last year? Maybe its because i'm secretly freaking out about the next chapter of my life.. not knowing exactly what i'm going to do. Lots of thoughts swirling through my mind.. and the way I decided to deal with it was to fill my days with exercise. I started seeing a therapist twice a week though, and I really like her! She worked at the Spring Lane Renfrew, so it was nice to be able to talk to her about that.. and over all I just felt like she was a helpful person to talk to. The only down side is that we made a weight contract, and she weighs me once a week.. which drives me CRAZY!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE being weighed by other people. I hate seeing my weight, I hate when others see my weight, and I hate knowing that my numbers are out in the universe. I just hate it all together. I feel like if I were never weighed, It would really help my recovery. I can't do blind weights because it drives me crazy to have someone else know my weight when I don't.. so I always have to look. I also hate how I get weighted during the day, or at night, with all my clothes on and after meals. akjshgajkhs w/e, enough about that, but thats the only downfall to my enjoyment in our appointments. Hopefully that wont last forever.. especially since i've put myself on a weight gain meal plan!.. which brings me to my third number on the list..

3. My Dr. told me I couldn't go away and visit my family in South Carolina (Kiawah) if I didn't gain weight... I REALLY WANT TO SEE THEM!.. hence, weight gain is a must. No, i'm not a fan, and no, I don't think I need to gain, but if thats what it takes to spend time with my family then so be it. ( and my parents wont be there, so thats even more of a reason to want to go!!!! :P haha) I left for florida the last friday, and am coming home tonight, so I was here for 8 days.. and during those 8 days, I took that as an opportunity to get on track. No exercise, tripled my cals, added two supplements, and away we go. Lemme just say, gaining weight while wearing a bathing suit everyday.. not fun. But, oh well!! I feel like being away from home is the only way I can get back on track. I'm really afraid to go home now though.. :( I do so well when i'm away from home, but once I get back, I can't help but fall back into my old patterns. I'm also really scared to go back to my Dr... I know she told me to gain.. but I always feel guilty when I do what she says... does anyone else feel like that..?? haha. I do agree that I should gain so my brain functions better.. which brings me to number 4 on the list...

4. I have noticed that my ADHD or ADD ( idk which I have) has gotten a lot worse.. I feel like I can't even function!!! I can't drive because my mind wonders off into LaLa land and its pretty scary to drive when you're not fully present. So i'm either in La La land or OCD land.. where I start counting the lines on the streets, looking at license plates and counting how many of them start with certain letters.. the list goes on and on.. and now i'm scared to get my license because I don't feel like its safe for other people on the road.. I don't want to hurt anyone :/ I'm also always in a fog... I walked into the mens room TWICE while in florida.. and the worst part is I didn't notice until I came out of the stall and saw a man in the urinal!!! ugh. *totally embarrassing* I also got lost and couldn't find my way back to my room at the resort.. just call me ms. disaster. I'm hoping that my mind will snap out of it.. or back "in it" (because i'm out of it.. ha, pun.. ha....ok.. :P ) soon, because its not fun!!.. speaking of not fun.. on to number 5...

5. BRACES. I got bottom braces.. AGAIN. Why? because one tooth was out of place... erg. >.< most pointless reason to get braces again!!!...but my mom insisted.. so.. I now have metal glued to my teeth once again.. JOY.... which brings me number 6.. something that was ACTUALLY joyful!! :)

6. RENFREW REUNION!!!! yay :) A couple weekends ago was the Renfrew yearly reunion. It was really nice to see staff members, therapists, and friends that i've missed sooo much!!! I actually found going to the groups to be very helpful and motivating, as well as seeing my friends. Yes, it was triggering at times to see patients, or people that are clearly not doing well.. but for the most part, it was a very inspiring experience and i'm so glad I went!! I even saw my therapist there and took one of her groups :) I also got to connect with a couple girls that I had talked to online but never met up in person before. One of them, M, I was sooooo excited to meet up with!! She ended up staying the night, and we went to a group that was held at Renfrew the next day. LOVED meeting up with her, and were planning on her coming back really soon!!! She is amazing, such a good friend, and i'm so glad that we meshed well together. We actually talked pretty much every day before meeting up.. so it was nice to be able to put a voice to the face! Can't wait till she comes back to visit. :) Now.. for my totally random number 7... but first, a few more pics from my florida trip.. gotta spread them out a bit!!! haha

These pics are from when my sister and I went parasailing...

... alright, on to number 7..

7. This is something that just happened today.. Has anyone ever cried as a result of an awful manicure? anyone? anyone? Well, I would be the last person to cry about it.. but, lemme tell ya, it was pretty freaking hard to hold back these tears. Let me explain... So, I went to this salon in florida where a mani and pedi together was 28 dollars. That should have been the first warning sign.. thats super cheep. BUT, I love a good deal so I was ALLLL for it. We go in, and right away I got a bad vibe from the place.. no one was friendly.. no one even said Hi.. we walked up to the man at the desk, and he just looked at us. Just stared. So my sister and I stared back.. because.. we'll.. we thought he'd say something! haha. Then we asked if he had time for two mani and pedis.. he waited a few seconds then said yes.. then nothing. Again, everyone staring at everyone. Strange. But w/e. With out giving you the play by play in complete detail, my sister and I went to our seats, sat down, and waited for the people to come over. Basically.. my lady was a disaster. This was the most unsanitary place I have ever been to. Let me just list ( yes another list, bare with me) all the things that happened..

1. she wore extremely dirty, used gloves. Idk what she was doing in those gloves, but the fingers had brown all over them.. gross.
2. She took out the "tools".. and they were totally not sterilized.. I didn't even see any sterilizing machines around.
3. She didn't clean the soaking bowl.. she dumped out the old water, and just re-filled it.. ew?
4. While she was filing my nails.. she stopped to wax someones eyebrows and ring people up.. so she was all up in the money drawer with her dirty ass gloves, and then came back over and continued to file.. c'omon lady!
5. She didn't even noticed I still had nail polish on and didn't bother to take it off.. I had to ASK her if she would..
6. She did a shitty ass job filing my nails.. they were crooked and snagable.. so when she went to wax someones eyebrows, I re-filed them myself.
7. When she took out the buffer and "buffed" my nails.. she didn't even look at what she was doing and started buffing my knuckles!!!
8. She sent me to wash my hands ( I decided to use scolding water so I could feel like I was killing as lest SOME germs) and I saw her clipping her cuticles with the tool she used on me, wiped it off with her gloves, and stuffed it back in the drawer!!! Proving my non-sterilized theory.
9. When she did the "hand massage" she put lotion on.. rubbed the top of my hand.. and told me to go rinse off. nice massage.
10. She kept scratching her nose and face with her gloves.. ugh.. at this point I was so grossed out by everything.. I just started tearing up!
Mind you, it takes a lot for me to cry, and it wasn't the fact that my nails looked like shit, it was how unclean I felt! I really didn't expect that great of a job, or great service since it was so cheap, but I never expected them to be so unclean and unfriendly.. even my sister was displeased with how they treated her and the job they did. Needless to say, I decided to skip the pedicure after that and waited outside. I'm so embarrassed for crying when I told my mom what a bad job they did.. but it was the weirdest feeling.. I just felt like crawling out of my skin, so dirty and upset that I didn't walk away when I saw her whip out those tools. Idk, maybe I over reacted.. maybe it was because of my OCD.. but, w/e it was, I still have this feeling that I need to shower a couple times.. haha.

MORE PICS!!!! haha :P... this is from our little fishing trip!

Alright, kiddos, I feel like I can't leave off with my last topic being about nail polish melt downs.. so, what else can I tell you about... hmm.. Well, I'll just tell you what i'm excited for this summer. AND YES, i'm making one last list.. :D I really feel the need for organization right now.. haha. Family vacations are very much, go with the flow, no planning, or planning and things changed all the time.. it drives me nuts! I want a plan, a schedule, and I want to stick to it! I hate uncertainty.
k, so things i'm excited for...
1. The next twilight movie to come out!!! ECLIPSE!!
2. Getting home and back into my life! Working out ( healthily), Seeing my friends, working... planning my days! haha
3. Trying more fear foods! I had a LOT of them while I was on vacation, and I really want to keep challenging myself with different foods once I come home.
4. Seeing my half sister, her husband, and two daughters in South Carolina!!! ( Kiawah )
5. Staying with one of my best friends in NY, A!!!!!.. and possibly seeing some of my other amazing friends that live there.. hopefully my lovie, B :)
6. Having another great friend come visit me FROM NY, M!!!!
7. Relaxing and enjoying my summer!
8. Continuing therapy and kicking ED in the asssss
9. Working on my tan, and having my hair get lighter :) I love the summer and its magical power of turning your hair blonde :P
10. Getting new ADD meds!! WOOO!!! I'm excited to be able to focus, and then get my license.. which will lead to FREEDOM!!

Last few pics..... one of these pics I was a bit hesitant to put up.. its me in the top of a bathing suit... I didn't really show my body, but, idk..

...I'm not sure if i'll keep that picture up or not.( EDIT---> I actually took the pic down.) I truly have mixed feelings about pictures of me in a bathing suit in general. On one hand, I feel like I look really healthy in them, and want to show everyone how well i'm doing.. but on the other hand.. I realize may not look as normal as I think. Idk, I put them on facebook and got a bunch of conflicting comments thrown at me, people saying I look great, others saying I dont... so I don't know what to think. Its weird.. because Its not that I think i'm "fat" its that I think I look healthy.. which I translate to different words such as beefy, huge, and fat. But if anyone were to ask me, do you think I'm fat, I would say no.. but then if you ask me if I look healthy, I would say fat. IDK!!! does anyone else have a problem like that?? Like you know you aren't "fat" but you don't think your thin, or skinny, or petite, or any cute little word. Blah.. I've always struggled with body image and wearing too many layers.. so one of the challenges I gave myself was to have one day that I would try to act like a normal person... take pictures with my sister before we went to the beach, and I would wear the top of my bathing suit as appose to the shirt and shorts I always wear over it. The whole thing is too much for me.. so I feel like just the top is a start! Idk, i'm glad I did it and I now have pictures to look back on.. but after we got back and showered I went right back to my sweatshirt and leggings.. much more comfy! ( 6 $ sweatshirt mind you!!! what a deal!)

OKEEDOKEE, thats enough for now.. seeing as this is a really long post!!!!... which I started in the air port, and finished at home.. hehe :) This may be my longest post ever... WOWWWW, and the most pictures i've ever posted... GOOD LUCK READING IT ALL!!!! haha. I'll save my artsy photos from my trip for the next post.

Talk to you soon lovies, hope everyone is well!!!

Stay strong, keep fighting, and enjoy your summer!!!!

xoxo
- A <3

PROM PICS!!!!... and other stuff :)

2010-06-01T07:22:00.001-07:00

HEY ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for such long gaps in the posts i've been making!!

So as promised, here are BUNCHES of pictures from the prom.. which was on MAY 15 at the Please Touch Museum.
I had a lot of fun.. and loved seeing everyone all dressed up! Everyone look SOOOO amazing. I really hate to say this though... but I think prom triggered me a little and caused a bit of a lapse. I felt HUGE in my dress.. and I felt I looked HUGE in the pictures.. and idk, it made me want to lose weight. BUT.. i'm trying to put that behind me and focus on getting my weight back up and getting back on track!!! so, anyway, here are A BUTT LOAD OF PICS.

and more..

and a couple more... lol this is the last of them, promise :)

alright. so that was prom! haha. now on to the rest of my life.

so the search for a therapist is still one. I've see one so far, and i'm seeing another one tomorrow, and idk about when i'm seeing the next. Man I hate these "first" appointments... they all ask the same questions, and you just have to keep talking about yourself OVER and OVER.. HATE IT!! but.. if thats what it takes to find someone who can help me, I guess its worth it.. right??? yeah.

I went FULL OUT shopping the other day.. got lots of great summer things from Urban Outfitters, American Eagle, Victorias Secret, and Macys. Can't wait to show you some of the things in my "looks" pictures. Speaking of looks, here are a few pics of a couple outfits I wore last week...

wow..this post is JAM PACKED with pics.. it makes me feel like people might think i'm obsessed with myself.. please don't.. because IM NOT!!!! just putting that out there... lol.

hm, so what else is going on with my life??? Well, as I said in my last post, I stopped seeing my N.... but now I MAY be going back to her.. or someone else. My mom has noticed my recent slip in weight, and while I don't think the amount is that big of a deal, she is FREAKING out, and wants me to see my N ASAP. So.. we'll see. Idk.. I still don't think I need to see a nutritionist anymore... I mean I know what I need to eat, i'm just having trouble EATING it.. but an N can't help you eat, they just tell you what to do. Idk. I guess i'm kinda confused with whats going on with me right now. I feel really HAPPY, not depressed at all.. and I don't really feel like i'm relapsing.. but i'm losing weight and reverting to old habits.. so am I relapsing, or is it a lapse?? but HOW can I be relapsing if I feel HAPPY????? This doesn't make sense to me. Everyone around me is freaking out and saying I need to go back to treatment.. and its really throwing me for a loop! Are people seeing something I don't?? or are they just overly concerned. These are some things I have to figure out.. and soon.. because i'm already losing people. My one friend txted me saying we can't be friends until i'm better because she doesn't want to be around me at this weight... YEAH. harsh. It bothers me because this isn't even a low weight! Its not like i'm really sick.. just struggling a little, and instead of people helping me through this, they are leaving me on the side of the road to find my way home. How is that helpful? How is that supportive? Its not. And its frustrating because I WANT to be ED free, and I see my self getting to a place that I'll be able to achieve it.. but I need HELP, and I don't understand why when I need help the most, everyone abandons me. I guess recovery is something you need to DO for yourself, but it doesn't have to be BY yourself does it? Alone or not, I know I can do this, I just need to try a bit harder to increase my cals back to a healthy number. I did stop exercising as much.. ONE HURDLE JUMPED, now I just have a few more in the way and I totally win the race!!!... ok.. stupid analogy.. but w/e. :P

I WANT TO SEE SEX AND THE CITY 2!!!!!!! Anyone else want to see that?? I think i'm going to see that sometime this week.. so pumped!! ( random tid bit)

OH!!!.. so my senior project presentation is tomorrow... YIKES!!!!!!! it has to be a 15 min long presentation.. and if you don't pass, you cant graduate!! thats a lot of pressure!!! But they want you to pass, so its not like they are out to get the students.. so hopefully i'll do fine.. but i'm still nervous!!!! :o

Alrighty everyone, i'm gonna peace out... but I hope you all have a FABULOUS tuesday, and had a great Memorial day and weekend!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy the weather, and the fact that today is a new day, your mistakes are behind you and its time to start a new!!!!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Quicky post.. next post is PROM PICS!! :)

2010-05-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

HEY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! Its SUCH a beautiful day outside.. LOVE IT!!

Well, I have LOTS to talk about, but sadly, no time to write it all down.. so you'll just have to stay tuned and read my next post!! :) hehe i'm sly like that.

I'll start out with pics... FUN STUFF!

heres some ( a lot) of the pics from one of my outfit this week... Black blazer and chunky gold and while necklace from london, ripped capri JEANS!!!, black sandals, black tank top.

Well, there is something that I did, however, want to briefly talk about in this post. OPRAH. I joined a group on facebook protesting the new REALITY TV show that she is creating. If you haven't already heard, it is about eating disorders. At first I was like.. "oh, thats good, their really aren't any shows out their showing how hard it is to live with an eating disorder"... uh, NO, thats not how this show is going to be directed. Its going to be hosted in an eating disorder treatment center. People will be able to call in and vote on their favorite ED patient. umm.. WHAT????.... this is what I said on the facebook group. I'm going to leave a link so any of you can join to find out more information, or to help protest!

"I think this show has the potential to really shed light on eating disorders and the pain that people who suffer from them go through. I also think that if all the profits ( or most of them) go to helping people receive help and treatment, that would be an amazing benefit. With that said, I think they are going about this the ENTIRELY WRONG direction, and the outcome is glorifying and exploiting people with eating disorders.
I'm so saddened by the way this show is going to be conducted.. I mean voting on a favorite patient?? These are peoples lives were talking about, not some episode of the Jersey shore or real housewives!! I agree that their is not enough information in the media about eating disorders, and would love to see a show based on the struggle, hardship, and people trying to OVERCOME eating disorders.. more of a documentary then a reality show. I really wish someone would take into consideration how damaging it could potentially be to children watching these shows and getting ideas, or even people who are currently suffering with an eating disorder... not to mention the damage it could cause to the actual people ON THE SHOW.I really hope this gets worked out before the show is aired... PLEASE HELP FIGHT TO TURN THIS INTO A POSITIVE THING!!!"

so yes. thats what I said.. lol. heres a link so you all can join.. WOOOOO! haha

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^------ link... you're gonna have to copy and paste it cause I FAIL at being able to make it clickable.

LETS MOVE ON SHALL WE??? OK! :)

heres a few more photos... I must admit.. I went a LITTLE picture crazy.. 12 photos?? holy cow. my bad. haha

Before I add the rest, maybe I should talk about about my week??
Heres a quicky preview, and i'll elaborate more in my next post.

SO...
1. PROM was on saturday, that was fun. haha

2. I finally applied to.. DUN DUN DUN community college. womp. Not thrilled, but hey, ED screwed me over, so I gotta do this for now until I can prove myself worthy of the actual college experience.

3. I called a therapist!! haha. I've been told by numerous people that I need a therapist.. I KNOW I need a therapist.. but have been resistant to finding one. NOT ANYMORE. I called yesterday and left a message.. hopefully will talk to her soon.. WOO YAY THERAPY!

4. Totally caught up with my senior project and happy about that

5. Doing SOO WELL with NOT over exercising!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Working on relationships with some friends :P

7. TRYING TO PLAN MY SUMMER!!!... and find another job.. which brings me to # 8...

8. Needing a new job because I PRETTY MUCH got fired from the one I currently have... womp womp.

9. Potentially struggling with ED..?? NAH.. doing pretty well, just a few bumps in the road, but totally going to be fine!

10. Well.. hmm.. I guess 10 should be the last one.. I stopped seeing my N... hopefully that goes well!!

OK! SO, last pic and then i'm peacing out to go to work ( at the job that i'm fired from but still currently working at... it makes sense.. trust me. )

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo
-A <3

Sorry I feel in a ditch for the last week!... well, not literally :P 40th post!

2010-05-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hello my little flower blossoms!! This is my 40th post.. WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Sorry i've been MIA for a bit over a week!! I kept meaning to post.. and then just didn't.. lol.

I'm not sure what to say on how things have been recently.. I think they've been really good!! I feel like i've come so far since this time last year, and it really excites me! haha. The only thing i'm really having a hard time getting a handle on is my over exercising.. which I honestly have cut back on and am doing better with. I'm just so proud of myself for how much i've accomplished by working hard on recovery.. I don't want to list all the things I use to do because that would be triggering, but lets just say itd be like an ESSAY!! :P.. well.. the reason I am telling you all how proud I am of myself is because I seem to be the ONLY one who is feeling that way right now. :( I work at a gym (duh), and since I work there, I get a free membership. Free membership= me working out there alllllll the time. me working there= people seeing me work out allllll the time. Needless to say, this has resulted in many people being really upset with me for working out for more then an hour a day. But I mean.. COME ON! I can't work out for an hour a day! It goes by too quickly and I have practically zero sense of feeling as though I've worked out. MAYBE I can do two hours.. but really I feel like 2.5 to 3 hours is the best. I know that when I was approaching 4, 5, 6 hours it was getting to be a bit to much.. so I do feel like cutting back on that much was the right thing to do. Before I get into the story of the past week that has been on my mind.. PHOTO SHOOT!! haha. i only did one "photo shoot" this week of one of my outfits (mothers day!!) but needless to say I still have a bunch o' pichas.

black deep v neck, 3/4 length sleeve shirt, dark high waisted skirt with tiny red florals, black leggings, black bootiessss

Alrighty, so, lets back track to Mothers day, since thats when these pics were taken anyway! shall we?? :)
Well, on Mothers day I had work in the morning, 9-1:00 but I left at 12:30 to go to brunch with a bunch of my family. I was kinda stressing out about this brunch for a little while now, because although I LOVE to see my family, I always feel really self conscious and scared they are going to comment on how "healthy" I look. aka fat.

side bar-->[ I also feel really self conscious eating around anyone who knows I have an ED.. I feel like they are looking at me thinking "aren't you anorexic? why are you eating?".. I guess my way to combat that thought is by thinking "i'm trying to recover, i'm not anorexic, it was in my past.. and I should be eating, they want me to eat."... its so confusing! I never know how i'm suppose to feel towards my anorexia. Do I even have an ED anymore? I feel like since I gained the weight I needed too, that means I don't have an ED anymore. I don't deserve to say I have an ED if I don't fit the picture. Idk, i'm sure lots of people with EDs feel that way.. thats why many are resistant to treatment at first.. fear of not being sick enough, not looking ill enough to get help. But really, when you are trying to recover, when does the line get crossed between ED being something in your present, or your past? Logically I know I'm not REALLY past it.. but part of me feels like I don't have a problem anymore. ]

ANYWAY, back to the brunch.

So, left work a bit early and headed into the City to meet my family ( half sisters, their husbands and children, and some others from my dad's side of the family). It was lovely to see them! I really have missed my half sisters soo much! They visited me both times in treatment, and have been so kind and supportive. One of them asked me to come stay with her family in their summer place for a while, or stay with them at their house for a weekend.. CAN'T WAIT! I just have to figure out the times and dates and such. Again though, the food part freaks me out because I know they will feel like they need to watch me all the time.. what an extra burden I am on everyone! man! I mean i'm 18 and people feel as though I need to be watched 24 /7!... probably because most of the time.. I do. :/ Gosh I keep getting off topic, OK. BRUCH! SO, we got to this little Italian restaurant, ordered my yummy salad.. and decided that I would allow myself to have the deliciously warm, squishy bread in the basket in front of me. YUUUUUUM. After dinner we walked around south street for a bit, and then went to my FAVORITE frozen yogurt place.. PHILIOS!!!! For those of you who don't know what that is (which is like everyone) its like a red mango or pinkberry, except they have like 20 flavors, and you serve yourself. Fat free frozen yogurt= ULTIMATE YUM!!! oh man. so good. Its possibly my fave. thing ever.. but also a pretty big fear food for me.. ( crapy pics taken on my phone, but hey, I tried :P )

.... I only let myself have it like 4 times a year. The portion sizes are what scare me.. because I can't help but take a lot and practically fill my cup, and then I feel like thats bingeing or something.. idk. ANYWHO. So, this was SUNDAY--> challenged myself to eating out at a restaurant, challenged myself to eat Fro Yo, challenged myself to NOT WORK OUT ALL DAY, and challenged myself to eat OVER my meal plan. HAZA!! all in one day man, banging challenges out left and right, feeling good, feeling motivated..... Now for monday.. DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Monday started out great! I woke up feeling happy, motivated, and ready to challenge myself by wearing spandex shorts instead of leggings or sweatpants to the gym ( it was shocking to see that I actually have legs) ...

side bar---> [ I will also be challenging myself to wear a shirt, and not a sweatshirt once a week when I work out at the gym, MAYBE twice a week if i'm a little ambitious :P haha ]

.... so I go to the gym, all happy, bouncing around, saying hi to people, hype for my pilates class that i've chosen to do instead of cardio or weights.. then I stop in and see my nutritionist. Still happy, smiling, quickly telling her about my awesome sunday... watching her face stay totally displeased. Though nothing of it other then she was having a hard day and I would leave her alone.. and went to pilates. THEN, I came out of pilates and was asked by one of the managers if she could talk to me. "OK?"... does that ever sound good? no. She told me my nutritionist had talked to her, and was very concerned about my over exercising, and wanted me to stop. Sitting there.. I really felt like "what is everyone talking about, i'm not over exercising!!!" But I told her I would get a handle on it, and I was only over doing to because of Prom coming up this weekend. I then told her I would talk to my N and reassure her that i'm all good. I ambushed her in the bathroom. lol. Told her I was fine.. and she gave me and blank stare and said "you're lying. you are lying to me."...hmm.. nope.. nope.. def dont think i'm lying.. def think i'm doing fine. I challenged myself yesterday a bunch, didn't work out AT ALL, and barely worked out today.. sounds fine to me!!.. "you're lying!!!"...me--> NOT LYING!!!!! ( apparently I had willed myself to forget about saturday, where I over exercised to and EXTREME and had people telling me to stop all day.. with no plan of listening in sight) ..this back and forth went on for quite a bit.. and resulted in her telling me how angry people are at me for not listening to them when they tell me to stop exercising, how i'm burning bridges with people, and will no longer be welcome at the gym pretty soon. MAJOR BLOW TO THE HEAD, LEMME TELL YA. As soon as she walked away... I started BAWLING. Flat out in the locker room.. uncontrollable tears. I didn't understand why everyone was sooo mad at me! I was doing well!!! I've controlled my exercising! people must want me to be sedentary. People must want me to be fat. yes. thats the logical answer. They all just want me fat, and thats why they don't want me to work out for hours. >.< get it together woman!

So, that was my monday.. well.. no, that was what RUINED my monday.. luckily my lovely renfrew sister ALI was their to the rescue once again. I called her and talked to her for a bit, wondering what I should do.. I was thinking about quitting my job.. after all, everyone hates me now. (false) I was thinking about joining another gym.. after all, they just don't want me working out in front of them, if I do it somewhere else its fine. (false) I was thinking about exercising all day to numb my feelings.. after all, everyone is mad at me anyway, might as well just keep going. (false) Well, anyway. She made me feel tones better, like she always does.. but I still had to go back to the gym to take my second pilates class. Alright, i'm done talking about this day.. just thinking about it is emotionally exhausting! ( last few pics, I wanted to do at least two in color so everyone remembers i'm not a black and white person! haha )

On to YESTERDAY!--> tuesday. Tuesday I did not want to wake up. I did not want to deal with the day. I did not want to go to the gym. I just wanted to sleep forever.. so I tried. I woke up at 7 am. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MORE SLEEP. woke up at 8am. GET YOURSELF BACK TO BED MISSY, ITS STILL TUESDAY! Woke up at 9am.. COME ON!!! woke up at 10am.. Fine. I'm up. Ill except it. darn. -_- The only working out I did was a 5 mile walk. WAY TO GO ME! :) and then i went to work.. which I was seriously dreading.. stupid drama. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, it follows ED EVERYWHERE. Hes such a DRAMA QUEEN!!! Which sucks because id much rather be behind the scenes then CAUSING a scene. oy. Anyway.. I had sent an email to my N explaining my feelings, pointing out how far i've come ( I know it must be so frustrating for her to deal with me and feel like I should be recovered or something by now) and apologizing to her. She wrote back and all is good.. but.. idk.. still feeling a bit off about that whole situation. IDK :/

TODAY!.. today was another desperate attempt to sleep the day away.. so why I woke up at 4:30 am I'm not sure. HA. But I did will myself back to sleep until 9:00 am, but then gave up and went on the computer.. which is when I saw my formspring question asking me to blog.. and well here we are!! :D haha. I have to work on my senior project today.. take a couple gym classes, JUST A COUPLE, and then get my dress for prom back from being altered. WOOOO. PROM THIS WEEKEND!!!! AHHHHH!!!

THATS A WHOLE NOTHER POST.

Alright chickadees, this was long enough for today!! The weather is pretty dreary out.. bummer :( try to enjoy your day none the less!!!

keep fighting my little ED warriors!!
xoxo
-A <3

change your mind, change your life

2010-04-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Good morning lovies!!!

Today I thought I would start off with some inspirational quotes....

"If you always do what you always did, then you always get what you always got"

"Live the life you love, Love the life you live"

"“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but everybody can move forwards and make a new ending."

The last one was from a lovely person who posts quotes on my formspring :)

Another beautiful day called for another outdoor photo shoot! Now i'm gonna feel bad for my readers when I have to take pics of my outfits inside because those pics aren't as cool haha I'm gonna split them up again since I have a bunch of pics.. :P

Striped white and black Cardi and chunky white and gold necklace from London, black romper, black tights, black short motorcycle boots, and a HIGH bun. haha

Recently i've been feeling SO motivated for recovery, and I think i'm doing pretty well in my attempts :)
I keep thinking about my life and wondering what I want from it.. do I want to enjoy myself? do I want to be healthy? do I want to have friends? do I want others to enjoy my company? do I want to LIVE?... answer: yes! so why am I still letting ED tell me that all I want is to be THIN? Their is SO much more to live for then perfecting your appearance.
I want to be able to smile with true feelings underneath, laugh with happiness beaming from my soul, and go through day to day knowing I'm HERE, I'm LIVING, and I'm FREE to make choices that will make me a happy healthy person.

Reflect on your life. What makes you happy? do you know? do you even know yourself? <---- these are questions I asked myself at the begging of this week, and i'm still searching for the answers. I know what should technically make me happy, but I don't know who I am, or what I truly like. I want to start to taste foods with out the thought swirling around my head "you should like this because its low cal.. even if it doesn't taste as good as the other thing.. you should like it better." ED has been such a part of my life for as long as I can remember.. he made most of my decisions and choices in my life.. almost like a parent. BUT, i'm 18 now, an adult, fully capable and legal to make my own decisions. I need to be set out on my own... and be free to make choices and mistakes on my own.. away from my parents, and away from ED.

Thats all for today kiddos, I have to go to work but thought I would post a quicky entry while I'm feeling so motivated! (not that this feeling wont last or anything.. :P )

Enjoy your day!!! its a bit rainy and dreary out, so indoor activities (aka shopping) are screaming my name!!! :D

xoxo
-A <3

Oh spring how I love you.. and taking pictures in your beautiful weather.. :P

2010-04-21T06:51:00.001-07:00

One week since my last post.. i'm such a slacker! Actually, i've been quite the opposite, hence the lack of postage.. i'm a busy bee!! I get out of school in TWO WEEKS!!! May 7th starts finals, and then when they are done we are out of school for 3 weeks to work on senior projects, then come back in June to present them and graduate!! I'M SO FREAKIN ECSTATIC FOR HIGH SCHOOL TO FINALLY COME TO AN END!!!! * angels sing * i'm beaming. truly :D I really never thought I would go through soo much during my entire High School experience.. I guess I never imagined my ED would dominate my life to the point that I needed to go treatment twice.. but, such is life!!

I really don't feel I have much to say at this point.. working diligently on recovery and mending relationships. Recently, another girl I was in treatment with passed away.. which was definitely a shock, but also a bit of a wake up call. I always think that nothing will happen to me because i've gotten myself out of the danger zone with weight.. but the damage to my body is done, and if I continue to practice ED tendencies, I could potentially die no matter what my weight is. I think the news of my friend passing also shook up a couple of my friends. One friend of mine has been having trouble with "dealing" with me. She is so concerned that I may die from all the running I do and strain that it puts on my heart, that she doesn't want to hang out with me at all. She says it would be to hard for her to have a friend die, so until I start to exercise less, we can't hang out. Honestly, I don't blame her. I know how frustrating it is to watch someone hurt themselves and be in denial about it.. but at the same time.. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been working on not exercising as much, and have gotten a bit better.. but, its so hard for me to just STOP exercising once I start. Its such a good stress relief for me, however I always feel like their is MORE I can do, MORE I should do. I'm trying to teach myself that I need to stop after a certain amount of hours.. but, BLAH, its just hard! I also feel guilty about stopping the exercise i'm doing because i'm soo self conscious about my body, and I know that exercise is a good way to change the way you look.. so when I stop, I just think "if you don't keep going you'll never look the way you want." :/ ....I really do care about my friend though, and I don't want to lose her.. or die just because I was trying to achieve an acceptable body that may never be achievable.. so I truly am motivated to really control this over exercising once and for all!!

The body image thing is also a reason why I haven't been posting my daily/ weekly looks. HOWEVER, in an attempt to feel more confident about myself, I took advantage of the beautiful sunny day yesterday and had a little photo shoot :P haha. I'll post a few (a sh*t load) of the pics from it.. haha. they aren't very good because I took them with my lap top, and also it was very sunny, so that made them look a little fakey weird as well.. but, eh. w/e. I feel weird putting so many pics.. usually the most I put of each look is 3.. but I haven't posted them in a while, so I feel like is prob ok.. haha.
Alright, so the look from yesterday was black leggings (of course), black slightly above the ankle UO leather boots, black tank top, Nordstrom navy floral tank w/ frilly bottom (like a skirt) and UO grey cardi.

Like I said, lots of pics.. haha. 3 more!

Alright, thats enough of me for one post!

Hope everyone has a WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!
Its soooo freaking beautiful out, I didn't use to like Spring.. but, now..I LOVE IT!!
Smile and treat yourself to something special, you ALL deserve it!!

xoxo
- A <3

HUMP DAY!!! a vital day in my week I might add. :P

2010-04-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hey all!! Happy Wednesday!! (HUMP DAY)

Posting again from school, hehe woooo, so sorry, no pics taken by me again!!

Well, I'm happy to report I'm doing much better then I was in my last post :).. I really hate writing posts that I feel at the TOTAL opposite of inspiring. I was even considering deleting it.. but then I felt like some how I would be lying or something. Idk it just felt like the wrong thing to do.. the right thing is to move past it and write about the positive things that are going on right now!

I've been challenging my food fears and rules as often as possible, and have been meeting my meal plan as well :D One food i've been trying to let myself have at home that I don't usually allow (well ED doesn't) is TURKISH FIGS!!! (pic from google)

YUM!! talk about natures candy.. they are soo good, and really satify a sweet craving! I feel guilty eating them, however, because for little things, their cals are a bit high.. (ED says) so its something that I haven't had in a longgg time. I did let myself have them in PARIS though, along with other foods.. which is why I think i'm more able to incorporate them now. If I did it then and nothing happened, I can do it now, right?? heck yes. HECK. YES. Just like I got over my banana rule, figs are now a rule of the past, and a food that I try to incorporate daily. I've also let another two long lost friend back into my life.. WHOLE WHEAT ENGLISH MUFFINS and FAT FREE COTTAGE CHEESE! (pictures from google)

yum :) love them.. and haven't let myself have them since I got out of Renfrew this time last year! So yes, basically, rekindling romances with long lost foods has been the current theme of my week.

I have a Nutrition appt. today, and i'm excited to report back with all my mini accomplishments.. however.. I may leave out the exercise portion.. don't wana start a fight because that will cancel out all the work that I HAVE put in to recovery this week. lol I know.. not the best idea.. I am still struggling a bit with over exercising.. but I did much less yesterday then in my last post, and I'm going to try to not run as much today.

The other day, when I posted, I felt soo guilty for doing all of that exercise.. and then some.. but even more guilty for posting it on my blog! For me, I read blogs that help keep me motivating, not the ones that constantly talk about how awful they are doing. However, that doesn't mean I don't read blogs of people struggling so I can offer support, or to feel comfort that other people aren't perfect in their recovery as well.. I just can't read them all the time. Anyway, I also felt soo awful because a couple of my friends at the gym were really worried about me. I hate that :( Especially since they way they express worry is through anger. I don't want to keep letting people down.. so I really need to work harder to do the right things from day to day!

I'm trying to think positive and keep moving forwards. I hate encountering stupid little bumps in the road, but if they didn't happen, you wouldn't grow or learn from the experience.

Hope everyone has a positive day!! Challenge yourself, you'll feel soo great about it latter on!! (although you may be anxious today, you will be proud of yourself tomorrow :D )

xoxo
-A <3

No picture post because.. i'm in school!! WOOO!! are pigs flying?? :P

2010-04-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

HEYYYYYYYY everyone!! Thanks for your input on the last post.. some people fbook messaged me as well, and I really appreciate those of you who took the time to tell me your thoughts on my idea of writing a book! :)

Its something I def will pursue.. but, thinking more about it, I don't think its a realistic thing for me to try to accomplish at this time. Maybe its something I can start.. work on it a little here and there.. but as for a recovery book, I guess I really should be a bit further in that process before I can write about it!

Well.. I really haven't given a real update since getting back from Paris.. and I still have to post some of the pics I took there!! Next post.. promise. haha.

Right now, I'm happy to report that I'm currently IN SCHOOL!!! HOLLAAAAAAAAA!!! :D haha
After my long ass, stressful week of not going to school last week, I'm trying to get my sh*t together because I need to graduate!! (yes I missed the entire week last week. Some reasons are as follows..
1. sleep later because i've been going to bed at redic times.. 3, 4, 5am.
2. wake up later because I HATE eating at 6am, but I have to eat right when I wake up.. which is 6am, and I HAVE to eat before I go to school.. its so hard to eat a real breakfast that early! and the only way I have a real shot at meeting my cal goals is having a larger breakfast.
3. couldn't find anything to wear.. I KNOW, I KNOW, I have sh*t load of clothes, but for some reason they all posses special powers to make me look/ feel extra fat on certain days. NOT a fan of these powers, lemme tell ya.
4. wanted to work out.. no need to elaborate on this one.
5. was stressing out over planning out my meal plan for the rest of the day.. this has become a daunting and dreaded daily task. TRIPPLE D is what this is. Its been taking me HOURS to figure out what foods i'm going to have when, because I have to take into consideration the cals, amount, food group, time I have to eat it, portion size, what I actually LIKE to eat, and fight with my ED about all of this while hearing my nutritionist voice in my head. OY.

Basically, i'm in a rut, and really really starting to struggle with over exercising. Its getting a bit out of hand, I must say.. all I want to do is exercise.. its all I think about, i've lost interest in EVERYTHING else. Even sitting in school, i'm counting down the hours that I can walk home after having already walked to school WARNING< THIS MAY TRIGGER< SO AVERT YOUR EYES IF THE AMOUNT EXERCISE SOMEONE DOES CAN TRIGGER YOU!!! (total 4 miles) then go for a jog BACK to school and BACK home, then to the gym, (total 7 miles) then work out a bit, and after, take two classes at the gym (total 2 hours of exercise at the gym)... and the worst part is I KNOW i'll want to do MORE after the second class. UGH!!!!!!
I'm a prisoner. really. Idk what to do.. :'( On top of that.. i'm struggling with completing my meal plan.. i've gotten to the number of cals I need maybe twice last week.. maybe this week will be better?? I hope so. I'll do my best.. I really hate when this happens.. people around me get so angry and frustrated.. I hate letting them down :(

Another thing i'm struggling with is ED deciding random things to be afraid of!! Like, certain foods I was ok with eating a couple months ago, ED says they are no longer allowed... needless to say my N is NOT a fan of this.. >.< ... we totally fought last time we went food shopping over foods she says I NEED to eat, but ED says I shouldn't.
I feel bad.. shes so frustrated with me and I totally don't blame her... i'm just as frustrated with myself. I WANT to do what shes telling me, I WANT to do the right thing, and I WANT recovery... so why don't I want follow my meal plan..?

aklsdjhgkasdhg;kahsj THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS a;dghs;dhsasd;lksadj

Sorry for the downer post, just being honest and saying that i'm having hard time..

Love you all and hope you're enjoying this beautiful weather, I know I am!

Stay strong!!

xoxo
-A <3

BOOK?? I need your feedback, so please respond to this post with your thoughts!! :D

2010-04-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

HEY EVERYONE!!

really REALLY quick little post before i'm off to school! going to school late is still going.. (I totally would have been on time if my breakfast wasn't so huge that I legit couldn't move from being so full and fell back asleep for 4 hours! )... well actually, my breakfast wasn't huge, it was just something I would have for lunch ( 1/2 a pita veggie hummas wrap and a fig), and apparently couldn't deal with eating it for breakfast? Thanks body for that lovely curveball.

ANYWHO, on to the reason of this tiny, out of the ordinary post..

I've been thinking about doing this for a few years.. and haven't let myself even think about it because I wanted to be closer to recovery.. but.. I want to write a book. I know, everyoneeee says that they want to do this.. but not only do I feel like it will be therapeutic for me, but I really think I could help people with ED's by telling my story, and offering advice. I think I would incorporate some blog posts, and formspring questions (the ones that I feel are actually helpful for people inquiring on how to live ED free, or understand EDs better) along with some journal entries, poems, artwork, and my over all blabber that (hopefully) all my readers like :P haha. I finally feel like i'm in a spot where I can offer sound advice, and focus long enough to write my thoughts down on paper.. and this blog has definitely helped to get me to that spot. I also want to encourage people who are thinking about creating a book as well to go for it! Yes, we may all have EDs, but everyone is different, and everyone has a different story to tell.

I guess my question is.. would any of you read/ buy my book (HONESTLY) if I were to write one..??? You're feedback would be MUCH appreciated and really helpful. You can tell me what you think I should write about, not write about, why you think I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T write a book, really, I just want some feedback... be it positive or negative. If you're one of those people who reads my blog and never comments, take this opportunity to just write down a quicky sentence on what you think, any and all input would be amazing. Now, with all that said, I may write a book no matter what people think.. lol, but, again, I do want to take into consideration what my readers think!!

Alright everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this post, and if you can, please just drop me a brief comment on your thoughts on a book.. THANKS!!!!!

Enjoy your Thursdays everyone!!! tomorrow is FRIDAY (obvi) HOLLAAAAAA!!!

xoxo
-A <3

Paris and London clothing/ accessories part II.. and a bit about my trip :)

2010-04-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Cheerio, all!!

Here are the rest of the pics from the clothing/accessories I got in Paris and London

I liked the clothing there so much that I decided to do most of my spring shopping while I was there.. thats why I have so many things haha. No more shopping for me for a whileeeeeee.... :D haha

Alrighty, Im gonna do this in sections because.. well because I always feel the need to organize things :P

Trench coat, blazer, and sweaters.. all clothes from my three fave. stores in London, Top Shop, Mango, and The New Look.

Dress, and tops

Pant legging things

Long champ purse

Bracelets, Necklace, earrings, head band, and ring

wooo, alright, enough of that :P

Now.. on to my trip!
It went surprisingly well food wise. I'm really proud of myself actually :D which is very nice to say for once haha. I met my ACTUAL calorie goals every day that I was there.. which is the only time i've ever been able to do that outside of IP... usually i'm a few 100 cals under and I call that my "bare minimum at home calorie goal".... :x.... but for short I just call it my calorie goal :D i know i know.. shhhhh. haha. The first few days were a bit of a challenge.. still didn't loosen up and try new things, stuck to safe foods.. but after a while I was like.. "screw it, imma have some french baguette and some dressing on my salad!" haha :P... and later in the week, that lead to "screw it, imma try some french chocolate, pasta, muffin, and a croissant!" WOOOOO!! :D I said in my last post that when I came home I felt as though I had just left Renfrew... and I thinks thats because everyday I challenged myself SOO much with every meal, and no exercise... plus I was with my family the whole time.. so it reminded me of all the family therapy haha. I was sooo ready to come home... even excited, surprisingly.. I guess because of that feeling.. but I really did LOVE Paris and London.. even if it did rain EVERY day. -_- I really missed my old routine and my job.. and the people that work their.. haha. They are really like my second family, I just love being around them.. and I get such a comforting feeling being at that gym. (not because of working out or anything haha) The only thing I dreaded about coming home was... the scale. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!! I knew i'd have to weigh myself.. I just HAD too.. and I was SURE I wouldn't like the number. I mean.. look at the facts.. higher cals, less exercise, more fatty foods= HELLO WEIGHT GAIN. Now, ordinarily I would say (or want to say) screw it, who cares what the number is, don't weigh yourself because what you don't know can't hurt you... but I have another dreaded Dr. appt this week.. and I HAVE to know my weight before she does.. I just have to. So.. this morning was the day I decided it was time to put an end to.. or add on to my anxiety about the number. Stepped on the scale.. and.. that # was a shock. You know why?? IT STAYED THE SAME!!! LISTEN UP BOYS AND GIRLS, MY WEIGHT STAYED THE SAME, AND YOURS CAN TOO!! This brought me to TWO realizations..

1. ED is a Fu*king jerk and lier for telling me I needed to restrict all these years when CLEARLY its pointless!
2. You can eat scary foods and not exercise like a mad woman with out gaining weight!

*****HAAAAAALLELUJAH!!******

To bad I still can't bring myself to not restrict at home. RAWR.

I've really been reflecting recently on what I want in my life, and what part my ED has... heres what I camp up with...
I want to be invisible, but I want to be seen
I want to be left alone, but I want to have company
I want to look anorexic, but I want to recover
I want to stop eating, but I don't want to starve
I want everything to stay the same, but I want to live my life
why am I a walking contradiction?... oh yeah, because HALF of that is ED, and HALF of that is ME. Stupid ED. GO AWAY!! I JUST HAD A BREAK THROUGH AND REALIZATION AND YOU'RE STILLLLLLL ANNOYING ME!!!

Alright, rant over :)

I hope everyone is having a lovely day, its sunny and beautiful yet again here.. hope its nice where you all are as well!!
Enjoy your Tuesday that feels like a Thursdayyyyyy!!! :P haha

Love you all, thanks for reading my blog and keep up the fight my little ED Warriors!!

xoxo
-A <3

I'm Back!!! Miss me?? :P

2010-04-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

HELLO EVERYONE!!!! OUR SHOULD I SAY BONJOUR!!! :P

Back from Paris, after a very long almost 10 days!!... glad to say their will be no more 8 hour flights in the near future.. two of them in a little over a week.. yikes, SOOO long!!

Well, i've missed you all terribly, and can't wait to update you on things!!! Basically, i'll just say, everything went surprisingly well!.. I kinda just went with the flow and tried all sorts of foods that scare the shit out of me, and don't intend to ever have again anytime soon. lol. It was nice to challenge myself.. but at the same time, everything was a challenge.. everyday.. so really, I honestly kinda felt like I was back IP at Renfrew or something.. maybe thats why I was sooooooo happy to come home!!! haha, Idk, but I LOVED Paris, despite the food terrors... shopping was amazing.. haha. I think i'll save the sites and artsy pics for my next post, and just put up some picks of the things I purchased in Paris and London.. new goodies are so fun! WOO!

Alright, thats enough clothing pics today! more tomorrow! haha

Hope everyone had an amazing spring break, or even just a great week!!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!! and if your Jewish or anything else.. HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!! haha :D

Have a great night everyone, talk to you all tomorrow!!!
xoxo
-A <3

PARIS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!!

2010-03-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hey lovies!!

Well D day has finally arrived.. or shall I say P day.. for PARIS!!!

I'm really excited.. but of course extremely nervous.... I have a very hard time eating out at restaurants, and now add that to a foreign place in a different language??? um.. yikes. Yikes times 100000. UBER YIKES!!.. ok you get the point, i'm scared. However, as scared as I am.. i've wanted to see Paris for as long as I can remember, and I WILL NOT let ED rob me of this opportunity. HEAR THAT ED??? BACK THE EFF OFF!!! Thinking about it.. I can't believe I was actually considering having my family go on the trip of my dreams with out me, just because I didn't want to leave my work out routine and safe foods.. HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!... i'm also kinda afraid of planes.. haha.

Alright, heres my outfit for today.. I didn't really wear anything but work out clothes the other days this week... so yeah, no pics of those :P

Lots of layers... black leggings, black sandals, black tunic, striped tunic, black UO skirt, and a black Jcrew cardi... my necklace looks like a ball of electricity!! haha so cool :P

I gotta say i'm in a bit of a tizzy right now because I strayed from my usual safe foods in order to help me prepare for the out of control feelings i'm about to experience in Paris... when I can't plan out my meals.. times, foods, cals I feel a TOTAL lack of control, and its so scary. SO, yeah, I figured, why not start today so it will be less of a shock in Paris.. but.. eh :/ totally feeling guilty, greedy, glutenous, grimey, gooey, lots of g words... and many other letters in the alphabet... haha. Oh well!!! tomorrow is a new day, a PAriS day.. time to give myself a one week ED free pass.. TIME TO ENJOY LIFE FOR A WHILE!!

Hmm.. well I started reading Wasted.. but i'm debating whether I should bring it with me or not. Leave it at home?? with all other ED memorabilia? Or finish reading it..?? I think I may leave it.. because although its hard for me to put it down.. its just not something that should be on my mind... right?? yeah.. haha

A few more topics I want to touch on before I end this post...

1. clothing.. oh how I could write a novel on this subject
2. family... oh how you would HATE reading a novel on this subject
3. dairy... oh.. just oh.

so, clothing.. I'm really struggling with CLOTHES. I've had the same clothes for years.. which I think semi keeps me in my ED because every time they start to actually fit me with out being too big, I feel like I need to lose weight. Well.. its that time again. Warmer weather is approaching, and so I decided to try on my old shorts and what not.. ugh :( they fit. I'm not gonna say the size, because no matter what it is, the fact that these clothes fit me makes me feel huge.. I never thought I would ever actually FIT into my clothes. What do you guys do with your old clothes?? I feel guilty getting rid of them because they "fit", and I LIKE them.. but they trigger me.. so get rid of them??? Or deal with the emotions?? both I guess.. blah, I guess i'll try to put this out of my mind for now.. its not shorts weather yet anyway!!!..

Family... alright.. w/ out getting into details.. I have family issues. haha. But don't we all???? :P... anywhoooo, I kinda wanted to know if I was the only person that does this. Well, I pretty much melt when I see a happy family.. the standard mom, dad, child playing together.. laughing.. ugh so precious. Any show, movie, family in the park.. pretty much brings tears to my eyes. I guess I just really wish I had that. I mean I do HAVE a family.. I have a mom, dad, and sister.. but just because they have those titles doesn't mean we function or feel like a family. It just makes me kinda sad :( ... I feel like part of the reason I hold onto my ED is so I can find someone to love and take care of me.. I guess I feel like I missed out from my own family. I mean don't get me wrong.. my parents def. provide for me.. but lets just say.. if I had to base my idea of a functioning couple on my parents, I would never know what one looks like. Blah I guess I should save this for another post!!.. too much downer in one bloggyyyyy!!! :P haha

The dairy subject.. so I read this book called "Skinny Bitch"... I know.. totally a smart idea right??? We'll its basically a book that just talks about food.. reasons to eat and not eat certain things.. blah blah blah. I don't know why I torture myself with things like this. The only person I should listen to about what to eat is my N, but do I accept that.. NO.. I must go and search EVERY possible way to be told how to eat. Its silly. Basically, my new food aversion is dairy. WHY??? um, I DON'T KNOW, ED HAS JUST DECIDED TO BE RESTRICTIVE AND STUPID!! Its sooo dumb, I mean their is nothing wrong with dairy.. right?? oy, I don't even know.. so many conflicting views. I'm a veg. not vegan.. so I shouldn't deprive myself of a food group.. unless that actually is something that I shouldn't eat??? GOSH i'm so confused.

Hmmm....this post was a bit of a downer.. and ALLLLL over the place.. sorry!!!... but what can I say, I have ADD :P

HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!! Keep truckin my little engines that could!! or should I say CAN!! :D

xoxo
-A <3

Marvelous Monday?... id rather it be Fantastic Friday

2010-03-22T09:01:00.001-07:00

Good morning my little flower blossoms! :P

I hope you all had an amazing weekend! The weather was beautifulllllllllllllll!! So sunny and warm!... However, it is now rainy and dark... boooo!

Currently, i'm sitting in my bed avoiding life.. YAY ME! Would you like an explanation??.. OK! but FIRST, an outfit from the first day of spring!.. not gonna lie, I almost didn't put these pics up because I felt like I look a bit larger then normal.. the lighting was making my face look huge and blah blah blah, but I convinced myself to shut it and post them because I know i'm the same weight, and its not like it matters to you all anyway!! :P

Black UO skirt, black BEBE cut off leggings with lace at the bottom, black booties :P haha, black sports bra, gray ruffled tank, and ready for this... light PINK CARDI! As you can tell.. I like black and usually wear that or dark colors, but in honor of spring, I decided to throw in a pretty pastel pink!! It is my fav. color after all :D

Alright, back to my explanation. So.. last week, as you know, I was struggling a bit with meeting my cal goals.. and ended up having to lower them so that I wouldn't be so off. The plan is to up them again, never fear, probably this week.. but anywayyyyyy.. so yeah, struggling with meeting cals and putting meals together, so what I ended up doing was finding one day that all the meals and everything worked and repeating it all week! Haha, thats right, I ate the SAME exact thing all week up until about yesterday when I ran out of the food.. :P I know that is a bit odd and eating disordered..but hey, you gotta do what ever works for you right?! Well I guess running out of the foods I was eating sent me into a bit of a panic, because obviously I thought I had a copious endless supply of food that would never run out, and I would be merry and happy with my little same day meal plan for the rest of my life. La la land was my current residence, FYI. So, when I was pushed off my cloud in La la land, I realized.. "erm.. so maybe I should actually start to think about food again...? after all.. I still have to eat even if I ran out of what I WAS eating.... its not like all the grocery stores were taken off the face of the earth." Needless to say, thinking about food= obsessing about food= me hiding in my room, avoiding waking up and going to school so I can put of eating as long as possible! FUN STUFF RIGHT THERRRRR! So now here I am... strait up chillin.. hating that I've now missed YET ANOTHER day of school for some stupid ED anxiety that no one will understand. ( well.. unless you have an ED) I am, of course going to eat today.. just trying to put it off a bit longer.. stupid I know, but.. eh, thats my life for ya. Alright.. enough of that. Here are a couple other outfits from this past week/ weekend.

Plaid yellow shirt with blue plaid stripes and black velour juicy pants with braidssssss.. it was a pretty chill day.. haha :P

Favorite Navy double breasted RL sweater, cream UO short sleve shirt, black tights, Lucky Brand necklace, plaid grey and black knee high socks, and chocolate short Uggs... Theirs a lot to this outfit!! haha

Recently, i've really been struggling with my motivation.. I'm having a hard time telling myself that its ok that i'm trying to recover alone, because it will be worth it in the end.. but.. idk.. :/ I mean.. I've lost pretty much all of my friends though having this disorder.. I've isolated to the point that I just don't even talk to people anymore.. which is ironic because all I ever want to do is be with someone who cares about me.. and I spend my time pushing those people away. Honestly, the only support at home I get is from my Nutritionist... she talks to me all the time, trys to keep me on track, takes me food shopping... its pretty crazy how much she does for me and i'm sure that has 100% worn on here over this past year.. so its only a matter of time before shes out of my life as well. I'm a pusher. (mean girls reference :P) but seriously, I am. I push and push people away until i'm completely alone, and then complain about it. Don't I sound like a joy?!?! haha. Blah.. it just kinda sucks, ya know? I DO want to recover.. but its pretty hard to fight with myself and ED all the time and not have anyone to back up the rational side. I almost feel like its easier for me to have friends when im not fighting ED. Lets face it, when you are trying to fight a voice in your head that is stronger then your conscious, you act pretty annoying.. but when you let that voice take over and just go through out your day.. everything seems peachy keen. Thats why eating disorders can go undetected for so long.. people seem normal, seem happy.. they are just losing weight and what not. Only when people start to fight their ED does it really come through how screwed up they are. Now of course, i'm just venting and ranting irrational thoughts right now, and in no way shape or form am I telling people to stop fighting their EDs.. and if thats what your thinking.. STOP!!! haha. Because really, I may be thinking this stuff.. but you know what i'm ignoring..? LIFE. Yes, it may be easier to give into ED and pretend around your friends, but what kind of life is that?? Guarantee its better to fight ED and be a little lonely for a while but ALIVE, then give into ED and be fake happy with people only to DIE. YES, I may be having a hard time fighting ED alone, YES, its hard for me to push myself and eat that scary food or complete my meal plan with out constant encouragement.. but it will make me a stronger, better person in the end. PERSISTENCE BABY! And I do have my amazing friends from treatment and this blog who are wonderfully supportive, and I thank you all for that soooo much, because with out you I would be so lost!

Alright.. rant over.. the rational side of my brain is slowly waking up.. GOOD MORNING BRAIN! ( well.. good afternoon).. time eat brunch, shower, and catch the last hour of school.. (shhhh at least its something!)

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember, no matter how low or lonely you feel.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Keep fighting my little ED warriors!!

xoxo
-A <3

Mini fashion show? and banana updates :P

2010-03-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Good morning lovies! its like 12 something am right now.. i'm going to bed in like an hour or so.. grrr, stupid caffeine.

I'mma start with todays outfit.. lots of outfits in this post from all week.. so i'll try to spread them out a bit :P... i'm kinda self conscious about putting this many pics up at a time.. usually they are more spread out in dif posts.. It makes me feel like i'm being conceded and judged.. but I do it for the outfits.. I love reading other peoples blogs when they post outfits.. so hopefully people feel the same way about mine.. and don't judge me for it.

leggings, short cowboy boots (not pictured), maroon sports bra :P, long free people tank, black OU skirt, j crew sweater

ALSO.... BANANA UPDATE!! DUDE, GUESS WHAT!?!?!?! I HAVE HAD TWO BANANAS EVERY DAY SINCE SUNDAY!! ( one at breakfast, and one at my night snack) I'm not afraid of them anymore!! you have noooo idea how amazing it feels to conquer a fear that you've had for years and have it become a staple in your day! ( or maybe you do.. in which case.. YOU ROCK!!)
I also tried to challenge other foods.. but that was much less successful.. but hey, ya win some ya lose some :P

On a more serious note.. I've been struggling a bit.. and I have NO IDEA why! I feel ok.. I mean body image is horrible, but i'm trying to ignore it and go on with my day... idk man.. idk whats going on. I'm just not hungry, and when I eat, I get supper full.. so I haven't really been completing my meal plan... I mean i'm only a couple hundred off.. or more.. eh.. I don't even know if I should say that on my blog.. IM SO CONFUSED. Its weird because I don't feel like i'm restricting.. its just happening. I also haven't been feeling well.. really drained and headachy.. idk if thats because of my meal plan, or dehydration? I don't drink much.. but who has time?? I mean i'm to full at meals to drink anything, and then when i'm not eating, i'm doing something.. how do you guys manage to get hydrated??

heres a couple more outfits from the week.. and then i'll move on to today's break down.. oh yes, thats right, you read that correctly.... this is a fun one.

Leggings, cowboy boots ( I wear them a lot) stripped dolman sleeve cardi, black long tank.

Dark green oversized UO sweater, black leggings, J crew rain boots with little yellow umbrellas!!... it was raining that day :)

Alright, thats enough pics of me for today!! haha.

Now on to today.. ugh. Ok. so their are lots of things that I tried this week that were fear foods.. a cookie.. white bread.. pasta..but today really put me over the edge. So, I take a basic foods and nutrition class in school.. ( great fit for me right?? because I totally don't think about food enough, I need to be in a class that talks about food and nutrition facts! PSH!).. and EVERY TIME we have a cooking lab.. I make up some excuse as to why I can't eat our food, or I don't show up. AND IM SICK OF IT!! Its embarrassing! My latest excuse is i'm lactose intolerant.. hmmm creative no? WELL, today I was like NO MORE!! IM DOING THIS, AND HAVING SOME FOOD THAT I COOK!!... and LUCKY ME, I chose to do this when we were making past and broccoli... which is fine.. like.. I can deal with that.. but heres the twist.. the broccoli was sauteed in 2 tbsp oil and 1 tbsp butter.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? A LARD BATH??? LIKE... WHAT???? Whats even worse then that was that I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS IN THEIR! so when I found out, (which was OF COURSE AFTER I ATE IT)... words can not describe how I felt. Firstly, I would just like to say, I DO NOT CRY. On VERY rare occasion do I cry, and the few times I have, its been with my nutritionist.. lol. Its so strange what can bring me to tears.. self harm doesn't make me cry.. but hey, make me eat a cookie and let the water works begin! Its kinda redic.. but today I felt soooo out of control, hurt, scared, anxious, guilty.. I felt like I should be punished for eating that. I tried to rationalize it by saying it wasn't a large portion... 5 pieces of plain (WHITE) rigatoni, 5 pieces of broccoli ( in this fucking fat bath)... but no such luck.. ugh.. it just haunted me and totally ruined my day. OR SO I THOUGHT!!... I mean it did ruin my day, but I still met one of my cal goals.. not my real one.. but the one my N said I absolutely HAD to meet, if not the one I SHOULD meet. All day I felt like I shouldn't be allowed to eat for what I had done.. but I want to move forward, and I want to recover... so as upset as I was, I still had to do what was right. I hate how unbelievably guilty I felt.. like I literally felt like I had just run over my cat or something.. as if something horrible had happened. :'( .... needless to say I ran the 4 miles to work... crying because I was so tiered and upset with myself.. proceeded to have a panic attack ( fun stuff right theirrrrrr)... and then calmed down and made myself look normal all before walking through the doors of the gym. Lemme tell ya, i'm a pro at looking like nothing is wrong. I then cried three different times that night.. all of which no one saw, no one new.. and its not like I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling.. I mean lets be serious.. the convo would go like this..
person- "whats wrong??"
me-" I had 5 pieces of white pasta, and broccoli in a fat bath!"
person- "..........."
YEAH. sucks that no one gets how this feels... the torment that food can cause. Its insane.
Well.. tomorrows a new day! and i'm ready to attack it head on and do a great job! Their is no school tomorrow, so I have a personal training appointment, an N appointment, and i'm going to MFG, so tomorrow should be a really good day :)... i'm determined.

Have a FANTASTIC FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!! Hope this post wasn't too much of a downer!!
xoxo
-A <3

apparently my blog loves you all so much, it writes itself!

2010-03-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Heres a pic I made out of chalk pastels :)

Hey bloggers!! really quick post regarding my last post. Umm.. so, I DIDN'T POST THAT. lol. Idk how my formspring thing ended up being a post on my blog.. but I didn't do that.. I wasn't even on my blog yesterday! eek! WEIRD... haha. Well.. for future reference.. I always start my posts out by saying Hello to you all, and end it will saying goodbye.. so if my post does not encompass that, then I didn't write it! lol.

Gosh ok, anyway.. I guess now that i'm already writing a post, I may as well talk about some things from this week! :P
What a dreary day it is today!! I'm so sad its going to rain until tuesday :( I miss running in the sun already!... hmm, well, lets start with one of my outfits, shall we??

(black opaque tights, black boots, H&M black shirt w/ sequins at the tops of the sleeves, and a dark brown braided belt from AE.)

Top ten things going on seems to be working for me... it really helps me get organized on here.. so i'm just gonna keep doing it!! haha

1. Had to put training with A on hold :(
2. Trying to get my over exercising under control
3. Everyone worried about me in Paris... especially me :/
4. Meal plan struggs.. but then meal plan victories!
5. Food shopping :)... thinking I need to start working on some food rituals.. they are a bit redic...haha
6. Had two whole bananas today!!!!!!! <--- note, this is a big deal. lemme tell ya.
7. Got some more clothes.. shopping problem perhaps???... haha. they were on super sale though! 12.00 for a really cute cardi!... pictures will come later in the week :)
8. Saw Alice in wonderland!
9. Babysitting tonight.. money for shopping in Paris?? YELL YES!! :P
10.MP increased yesterday.. and totally hit the number!!! HIYA! take that ED!

Alright.. so here goes the explanations
1-3... So my mom is making me put my personal training sessions on hold for a couple reasons.. mostly because she thinks im exercising too much.. ( which I gotta say I did go overboard ONE DAY.. but only that one day..).. and also because she thinks i'm not eating enough and losing weight. Well thats just annoying. I mean.. yes, I was struggling a bit with my meal plan, but I was still eating, and i'm sure i'm not losing. Its just frustrating to find a balance.. I really do love working out and being active.. and I don't love eating.. but i'm willing to do it to live! Sometimes I have trouble with knowing when to stop exercising because I always feel like I need to do more, want to do more, should do more.. its never enough. But recently i've been having weird things happen to me while working out.. so i'm trying to listen to my body a bit more. When I say weird.. I mean like, my arms going completely numb when I try to lift weights (and its not that they are too heavy.. I do them with a trainer so she makes sure im set up properly) or my heart will like skip a beat or just beat in weird ways.. sometimes my ears "pop" and I can't really hear anything.. like I said, strange things mannnn. Idk why that stuff happens.. I understood why it happened when I needed to gain.. but now that I have, I feel like all my problems should work themselves out.. but I guess it doesn't work that way! Oh well.. just another thing to help remind me why I need to keep going and pushing towards recovery! My N and mom are both worried about me for when I go to Paris.. and I gotta say.. i'm worried too!! It sucks saying that because its some place i've wanted to go forever, but at the same time.. leaving my comfort zone and being in a different place makes me almost just want to stay home :( I'm pretty stuck w/ my food choices I guess.. and thats why people are concerned. I have very specific foods that i'm ok w/ eating.. so my meal plan is pretty much the same kinda foods all the time.. but how is that going to work in Paris?? What am I going to eat?? I'm terrified of going out to eat there because not only do I have to eat in restaurants, but its going to be with food i'm unfamiliar with.. and what if they don't understand my order because i'm not good at speaking french.. and instead of putting no butter on my food, they think I say extra butter!! AHHH!!!!!! lol, a bit dramatic, but really, I am scared. Plus the whole aspect of not working out for 10 days is freaking me out.

Alright, lets take a quick break from ED fear land and look at a pretty picture of a flower I took with my phone.. the quality is pretty bad :/.. but the pink and yellow is sooo pretty together!! haha.. sometimes you just need to stop and regroup when ED thoughts start to get to you.

K, now that we've all taken a nice breath.. and if you didn't, do it now! lol... here are some ED victories of the week!
4-6. So the beginning of this week I was having trouble reaching my goal.. and with out even realizing it.. my goal had slipped lower and lower as the week went on. idk what happened.. my ultimate goal was initially (this is about to make no sense since im not using numbers.. lol) #,###.. but then it was ### less.. and then ### less then that. It was a mess.. but, since I wasn't doing it consciously, when it was brought to my attention, I was ready to get back on board and fix it... although I was scared because I just felt so comfortable with the amount I was eating.. I didn't feel I was restricting and I felt it was the perfect amount for me.. but I know that it wasn't ok with how much working out I want to do. So now my goal is back at #,### as of yesterday.. and I totally smacked that sucker out! I even went ## over!.. which may result in me being that much under today.. (sorry, I'm pretty awesome, but not that awesome.. HA jk) wait ok, side note. So since I wasn't expecting to post, I was eating my lunch, and then went on and saw the last post and yada yada yada... and im still trying to finish my lunch, an hour and 45 mins later! lol, so I really do need to wrap this post up! I suppose I'll talk about the rest of the things on my list in another post, but I do want to say that.. fear of bananas= OBLITERATED! HA! TAKE THAT ED!!! yes.. thats right folks, I am no longer afraid of bananas! lol. We still aren't on the best terms.. but.. guess who had two bananas with nut butter today (at dif meals) MEEEEEEE!!! haha. alright, i'll keep my little victory dance to my self.. but I am very proud of myself. Next thing to conquer.. FOOD RITUALS. mmmm... this will be a supper fun topic to start of my next post! :P Off to finish lunch.. and well apparently a snack too since its that time!.. then babysitting in a few hours.. TOOTLES!!

Have a great saturday ladies!! Stay dry if its raining where you are.. Take advantage of being stuck inside to do some art work, or journal!...and if not, enjoy the weather!!!

xoxo
-A <3

i wrote about weighing myself...i can't stop dreaming about it now and every time i dream i come up with terrible numbers... i think i just need to know??

2010-03-12T13:08:00.001-08:00

If its really plaguing you that much.. that I guess I would just do it. But really think about your options.. do you really think knowing the number will help you, or harm you? It might be good for you to have closure, but at the same time.. you seem to be letting that number really control your thoughts right now, and you don't even know what it is yet.. so it may just happened that once you do know, you will still equally obsess over it and fall back into your ways. I would say do what feels truly best for you. I'm trying to not weight myself.. because no matter what the number is, i'm not happy with it. I'm not at the point I can not weight myself, because I can't afford to slip up at all, and need to stay on top of it, so the only time I will weight myself is when I have a Dr. appt to make sure i'm on track. Just keep in mind that its just a number, it doesn't define you.. and don't let your ED obsess over it.. lemme know what you decided to do if you'd like! xoxo keep trucking girlie!!
<3

Ask me anything, don't hold back! :P

OY... spring weather saves the day..

2010-03-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

Oh craziness.. total craziness and mayhem. What am I talking about?? MY LIFE.

Good morning bloggers!! Or should I say afternoon.. because thats probably when i'll finish writing this.. as I can never stay doing one thing at a time! :P

Gosh, ok, lemme organize my thoughts.. Lemme start with a couple outfits.. and then maybe another top 10 highlights from the past few days.. explanations will follow

I wanted a pic of my head band... thats why I look like that.. lol ( gold UO head band, plaidish sweater, opaque tights, ripped Abercrombie shorts.. they are from 8th grade so don't make fun of me for having something from Abercrombie!! and my new black asic sneakers. ( the only way I could get my sneackers in the pic was if i sat on the floor.. still failed a bit though.. OH WELL! haha)

1. I LOVE RUNNING... and apparently so does this other woman..

2. Finishing my food journal this week! I LOVE buying new journals :)

3. Still upset about being told I only care about myself.. why is it that you care for others all the time, and the one time you try to help yourself feel better you get attacked?? :/

4. Missed school monday for body image again :( But went Tuesday, and am going today!

5. Had PB with every meal on Monday.. hehehehe

6. Went shopping.. again.. :P lol

7. Had the most work EVER at my job yesterday.. literally non-stop day from 5:55 am- 10:00.. then I got to relax for an hour or two and have dinner before bed.. OY!

8. Saved a ground hog that was hit by a car

9. Parented my mom... nothing new their though

10. Was TOTALLY freaked out because their were at least 7 cop cars, and cops standing outside a house with guns near my street.. don't know what that was all about.. YIKES

Now for Yesterdays outfit..

Beautiful bow from MAGGIE that I won in her giveaway, oversized UO sweater, black leggings and short dark brown cow boy boots.... those hairs coming out of my bun bug me soo much!!! ERG!!! haha

Alright, now for my explanations...

1. Running... So i've recently gotten back into running because the weather has been soooo nice, and lemme tell you.. MAJOR STRESS RELEIF!! oh man, i'm addicted.. which may get bad.. so I have to try to keep the amount I run under control. At least i'm not like this one woman though... ok, so, I was walking to school at 7:00am.. and this woman jogging goes past me.. then when I got out of school at 1:15 I was walking home.. and guess who I passed?? THE SAME JOGGER! WHAT???? Whether she had been jogging the whole time, or just went for another jog, it was still too much exercise.. and it honestly was a little triggering. It made me feel like I should be exercising that much, and i'm lazy and weak for not doing it. I know its not healthy, and will only lead to bad things so I tried to get it out of my head... but no such luck :/

2. I've been writing thoughts, feelings, and my daily exercise/ food intake in this cute little journal.. and by sunday, I will have totally filled it up!! So sad when you finish a journal.. but at the same time, I have such an accomplished feeling!!... and I LOVE picking out a new journal.. so fun! I love journals.. they are so pretty!!... haha ok, anyway...

3. I hate being told that i'm selfish... my mom use to say it alllll the time over stupid things like not emptying the dishwasher, or throwing something out for her. Idk why.. but that word just hits me really hard... maybe because i've been a people please all my life, and i've done SOOOO MUCH for other people.. which has greatly contributed to my ED. I'm not going to sit here and list all the selfless acts i've done, but I honestly am AWALYS thinking about other peoples feelings.. not wanting them to be hurt, not wanting a conflict to arise.. I mean my whole life i've cared more about other people then myself. In therapy I was always told " you need to be selfish and think about yourself so you can work on recovery or you will never recover"... so i've been trying to listen to my thoughts and needs more. Is that so wrong?? ugh idk.. I really need to get over the remark that I don't think about anyone but myself.. it was days ago.. and I need to move past it.. why can't I move past it????? Maybe because someone really important to me was the one who said it.. ugh idk :/ just makes me sad :'(

4. As i've mentioned, body image has been pretty bad.. and i've been missing school because I feel like people are going to judge me and think im gross.. which sounds so vain.. but hey, thats ED for you. The urge to lose weight is sooo strong.. but i've promised myself that I wouldn't step on a scale until my next Dr. appt.. in a month... so I need to stick to that. Plus.. losing weight will only lead to gaining weight. I'm not allowed to be any lower then I am.. so why try?? My team will just make me gain it right back. I'm lucky I got to stay at this weight.. why ruin a good thing??? ( just my thought process at work here.. haha) I need to keep telling myself those kinds of things.. because honestly, think about it girls.. you can lose weight all you want, but you will either die from it, or have to gain it back.. ITS NOT WORTH THE STRUGGLE.

5.-6. Monday I was really struggling, right when I woke up I new it would be a tough day for getting my cals in, so I decided to do something i've never done before, have PB with ever meal!! haha. Its a small, higherish calorie thing that you can add to any meal w/ out adding volume, to help get all your cals in!.. while I didn't meet my goal.. and have been struggling with meeting it.. I tried my best, so i'm proud for that, and I will keep trying in days to follow!..... Oh and yesterday I went shopping and got these two cute cardis.. one is bright yellow, and one is light pink... LOVEEEEEEE.

7.-10. Brace yourself... crazy day coming your way.... lets pause for a quick pic of a flower I took and smell the "roses"... as I take a big breath and begin..

Yesterday was the day I encountered the never ending "jogger"... stressed with work because I couldn't finish everything in the four hours I was there, went for an amazing jog, saved a hedge hog/ or gofer?? Had to tell my mom how to calm down and drive every 10 seconds after she backed into a little wall thing and messed up her car.. AGAIN, saw 7 cop cars with cops and guns standing outside a house near my street.. totally freaked me out because I'm always so afraid that a "bad person" will break in and kill my family/ kidnap or rape me.. I know.. i'm weird. Idk, I actually don't have time to really talk about this day right now.. haha, maybe i'll elaborate more in my next post.. Basically it was just a really hectic day, and I got half the cals in I needed... so i'm disappointed and frustrated... but going to try harder today!

Alright ladies.. super long post.. so thats all for now!! Have a WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!! Enjoy the sun and beautiful weather.. its so precious!! Love yourselves and the world will open itself to you!
xoxo
-A <3

Academy Awards!.. if only life were like a movie.. w/ happy endings

2010-03-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

I'm sitting here watching the Academy Awards.. that said, this post will most def. take me at least an hour to create. haha. Too many distractions! I often feel like my life is a movie.. it just doesn't feel real sometimes.. does that happen to any of you? Idk.. I mean the way things happen.. I find myself wondering if their are hidden cameras filming me! What if life were like a movie? At least you would know the order in which your life was unfolding. Movies are always set up the same.. they start.. then their is a problem.. climax.. solution.. ending... If you knew what stage of the movie you were in, you would know what was coming next. I suppose that would make life a lot less interesting though. Anywhoo.. haha..I love the Academy Awards.. (or really any red carpet event) because I LOVEEEE looking at all the beautiful gowns all the stars are sporting. Gosh I love clothing.. I could literally shop all day just looking at clothing, thinking of different ways I could create outfits out of unique pieces. Fashion is a wonderful distraction for me. Its something that I like to look at/ think about when i'm home and really having a hard time with ED.. I go online and just "shop".. looking at clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, everythingg.. it really helps get my mind off of everything. I've never actually bought anything online because I don't have a credit card.. but If I did.. STORES, WATCH OUT, GAURD YOUR MERCHANDISE!!! hehehe.. *sigh*.. if only.. :P

A lot has happened since wednesday.. my last post. Some good.. some not so good.. but all necessary to get me back on track and motivated in recovery. Ill start with an outfit I wore...

My staple articles of clothing are a long black shirt, w/ tights or leggings, boots, and some kind of sweater or cardi. *LOVE*.. so you'll see that a lot in my pics :P

Alright.. so back to some things from this week... I'm gona make a top 10 things that happened this week

1. I started training w/ A.. my trainer
2. Challenged lots of Ed fears and freaked out
3. Fought with my N because i'm a pain in the assssss... but then made up because shes awesome :)
4. Started shopping for paris ie. got sneakers to ensure that I look like a tourist and have things thrown at me!.. although my mom says its for comfort.
5. Got a new food journal because I filled up my old one already!
6. Tried chocolate pb for the first time.. WOAH
7. Was tooo self conscious to go to school... :/
8. Went to borders and actually grew the balls to order "Wasted".. the book about anorexia and bulimia
9. Took a day off from exercising
10. Followed my meal plan beautifully :D

... and now on to the explanations.. ready??

1. I was having horrible body image issues thursday.. and couldn't get myself to get out of the house. The only reason I even left was because I started with my trainer A on thursday.. hello triggerrrrrrr!! Not because of her.. but the way my mom was acting really triggered old emotions of when she would totally try to control my life and tell me what to do. Idk.. its hard to explain what happened... my mom was just very... all over me before I even went. Telling me how long to work out before, how fast, then how to tell her to work me out, how much to work out after, and then she was VERRRY pushy about me eating DIRECTLY after finishing my work out so make sure that I build muscle. Ugh I don't even want to really talk about this because you really have to either A) know my mom, B) have been there, or C) have a parent that previously contributed a lot to your eating disorder behaviors. I'm going to train with A again on friday.. so hopefully this one will go better with my mom.. it was nice to have a trainer again though!

(picture from google)

2. After talking with A, she recommended that I chose a day as my "day of rest" and not work out. Thats reallllly hard for me.. If I don't work out everyday I feel sooooo guilty... even if I do work out, but I don't feel its been enough, I feel horrible about myself :/ its pretty much a lose lose kinda thing. However, I decided to give it a go... and I took off friday ( the day after). For some reason, I decided "hey, as long as i'm challenging one ED fear, why not challenge some others???" um.. well heres why that was NOT a good idea.. Challenging multiple fears at one time= MAJOR FREAK OUT. I just got so overwhelmed.. the combination of trying new foods and not working out was too difficult to handle. Luckily I had people to talk to, and they made me feel a lot better.. and the next day I felt better about myself.. (knowing I could work out again helped with that.. haha)

3. Oh gosh, ok, so, I usually NEVER work on Saturdays, and I always work Sundays. I have my work out days very planned out, specific work outs and classes that I am to partake in each day. Saturday is one of my favorite class days.. but I had to cover a shift at work and wasn't able to work out :( On top of that, I had to go food shopping with my N after work.. so basically I was anxious and upset the whole time.. so I went to work out directly after work ended for 1/2 an hour. Well.. my N saw this and was really mad at me for making us go to the store 1/2 an hour later.. she said " Are you serious?? You wanted to go later so you can work out?? Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself??".... that really struck me.. YES, I do think of other people other then myself.. i'm a people pleaser, its what I do. I'm still really hurt from that comment.. I really didn't think that me working out before would be a big deal.. especially since I asked the day before if it was ok if we went later. ugh Idk.. I feel like such a bad person :( I hate conflict.. especially with people I care about. We fought for a little.. then I started crying.. I DON"T CRY. It just so happens, however, that every time I do cry, My nutritionist C always seems to be there. Basically it was not a good saturday.. and i'm still upset from it. We did end up going food shopping.. after an hour long "talk" ( she talked, I starred into space and nodded).. idk. I did feel better after we "made up" and their wasn't any more tension.. but it was still hard to be in the grocery store and get food. The whole time I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.. that i'm a selfish awful person who drags everyone down. :/ not the best feelings.. ugh even writing this now makes me upset. Shes the one person that I feel really has given me that push I needed in recovery.. and i'm always so scared that one day she'll just give up on me.. or start to hate me. I care so much about her, and i'm sooo grateful for everything shes done for me. Something she suggested yesterday was that I quit my job at the Gym and find a different one to make new friends. I've been thinking about this a lot.. but I really feel like, for once, I want something stable in my life... and thats what this job is to me. These people are really my only good friends, and the classes I take are the only things I have in life that i'm enjoying right now.. I just don't feel like stopping all of that could possibly be helpful.. but I may look for either another job, or some type of hobby class thing.. like photography or something.

(picture from google)

4. (i'm going to add the rest of my top ten topics in this one :D... I'm going to Paris over spring break.. I'M SO EXCITED OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I started getting some things I need.. sneakers, journal, little things.. I still need to get a new camera though!! I'm a little nervous for the food in paris.. not being able to read food labels and such.. but its only a week, I think I can handle it!! :P Oh, and I got this choc. pb today and had it on a couple strawberries.. YUM. I even tried it on a cucumber.. not so yum.. lol, but interesting none the less! I've been working really hard on making my meals very balanced and meeting lots of food groups.. but body image keeps slapping me in the face!!! Its so frustrating that you can do everything you need to.. and feel soo awful about yourself after. ED hates my body.. and makes a point at telling me that 24/7. it sucks :'( ....
*ED, can you please let me love myself now???*

random pic from the other day.. :P
....I snuck up on my kitty and took a pic w/ her while she was curled up asleep on my bed. (on a side note.. she only has 3 legs!!! she was hit by a car a few months ago and they had to amputate it :( )

Alright bloggets, thats all I can talk about for now.. I hope you all had an amazing weekend!!!! Remember.. Life is soo special and unique.. try to challenge yourself with something every day.. for thats how one grows and can ultimately find happiness! Life= happiness!! .... I often feel so guilty for having an ED when their are people starving all over the world.. and they have no say in the matter. It really makes me appreciate life.. but saddens me because in the same though.. i'm thinking how fat my thighs are.. *sigh* One day, i'll snap out of this haze and find the strength to fight off ED once and for all!! Because only then can I truly ever help anyone else... and I want to fix the world!!
Have a great night/ day/ week/ MOMENT bloggers... smile at yourselves.. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!
xoxo
-A <3

Hump day!

2010-03-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

Good evening my bodacious bloggets! ( the thing above is for a give away.. i'm not cocky. lol)

I don't have all that much I want to say right now.. the past few days have been.. ehh. By that I mean, ED has been breathing down my neck and making me feel horrible about myself :( I'm really trying to stay positive and keep trucking.. but idk, I'm still doing what needs to be done, following my meal plan and all.. ugh i'm just so frustrated with my body, and not being able to change it and make it the small little waif I use to be. Its hard to feel like im in someone else's body.. I really am trying to get use to it.. but its just so hard to look at myself in the mirror with out crying :'( gah, i'm sorry...I dont think anyone needs to read about how fat I feel 24/7 and blah blah blah. who is that going to help? NOT ME, and certainly not YOU my little bloggers!!

... I just feel like i'm stuck at a traffic light.. waiting for the light to turn green.. and i'll be able to go down the road of my life and accept myself and my body... why won't the light turn green????

I can't think like this.. I need to try to ignore my body and think about all the great things I will be able to do once ED is no longer a resident in my brain. Its been almost a year since I started seeing my nutritionist, C, and wow.. i've come sooo far, and yet.. have so more more I need to achieve. I'm so grateful that I stared to see a nutritionist when I started to relapse.. because i'm positive I would have been back in IP if I hadn't. She has helped me soo much, and gone above and beyond what a normal nutritionist needs to do. Part of the reason i'm trying so hard is because I know how much she wants me to get better, and I really don't want to let her down or disappoint her for all the hard work and frustration shes had to go through with me.

hmm.. lemme think of some positive things from this week... I got some school work done.. so thats nice to actually feel like I was accomplishing something positive that doesn't have to do with my ED. :) And I start training with A tomorrow, my personal trainer, so i'm looking forward to that.. oh, and I had a half a banana two days in a row!! lol, i know.. that sounds dumb, but they are a fear food, and one that I think is totally irrational and I want to over come.. so this is how i'm trying to do that! :D.. I liked my outfit today :) haha. I have a lot of fun going through my closet and putting outfits together that I haven't ever created before.. so heres a pic of what I wore today.. turquoise cashmere cardi, new kate spade bag, ruffled grey long tank, black and white tank layered underneath, black opaque tights, and black booties ( not pictures) :)

Recently, a person on formspring asked me.. "How do you deal with your negative emotions? I am realizing that even though I have been on trying and mostly staying on track with recovery my emotions have still been deeply suppressed. Iam afraid of them. All I want to do lately is re suprress them." ... That question really made me think back to the days when I had no Idea what I was feeling.. ever. I was always numb and had no idea how to tap into my emotions.. It made me realize how far i've come with identifying how i'm feeling.. and it made me really proud :) .. this was my response.....

Dealing with emotions of any sort is really hard.. but especially negative emotions. Their are lots of different ways to deal with them.. but for me, I've found that journaling/ blogging/ or talking to friends really helps. Even though its hard to talk about your emotions, their is a relief that comes from expressing them in some way. If you really feel that you can't handle your emotions, I would talk to your Dr and see if their is something he/she can do to adjust your meds (if you take any.. but most ED people do.. :P haha) Don't be afraid of your emotions, embrace them.. your emotions let you know a little bit more about yourself.. you learn about your fears, hopes, dreams.. if you shut them out, you won't ever be able to fully recover because a whole part of you will be missing. I really do think talking ( either online or in person) has helped me a lot.. just getting things off my chest helps you think things through rationally.. and receiving feedback really helps put things into perspective. And as I mentioned before, journaling really helps too.. just write what ever you feel.. don't even think. Write curse words, abbreviations, anything that helps get your point across.. and if you can't get in touch with your emotions, write about why you think that is. Don't give up girlie, its hard, but you can do it!! <3 xoxo

I'm glad today is wednesday.. HUMP DAY!! because that means the week is almost over.. and the sooner the week ends, the sooner spring break comes, and the sooner I get to go to PARIS!!! AHHHHH, I can't wait!!! only a couple more weeks :)
( BTW I guess technically now its thursday.. because its like 12:15am... but I totally started writing this at like 11 but kept getting distracted!!!! gah!!! :P I'm really determined to make this a great week.. its so scary to start to go off track... it causes so much uncertainty and frustration that is not necessary!! I want to be like this flower.. beautiful, bright, radiant... I mean come on, how confident does this flower look!? Its like freaking glowing!

Be a flower!! Flourish, grow, and nourish yourselves! You all deserve health and happiness, don't settle for anything less!! Someone else posted on my formspring saying that they felt they couldn't beat ED.. and I know a lot of people feel like that.. so this is what I had to say..

Yes you can!! Its soo hard, and you may have days even weeks when you're in a rut, but if you reach out for help and support, it will get sooo much better. Don't give up, and don't give in.. you wouldn't go into a game or a competition thinking you've already lost, or will lose, so don't think that way about the biggest battle of your life. You CAN do this and you CAN beat this.. your life is so worth living.. you just need to give it a chance. Something I tell myself a lot is "let me try recovery.. and if I don't like it, I can always go back.. ED is always an option" and no.. that doesn't mean i'm planning on going back to my ED (although I do still have one.. I feel like i'm speaking like i'm recovered.. i'm not, just working hard in recovery).. its just a way for me to take away some of the fear of losing my ED forever. You have nothing to lose in trying right? Keep fighting, and reach out for support.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! xoxo <3

I think I might start posting some formspring Q&A regularly.. because some of them I feel like I want to blog about anyway.. so this just saves some time :P haha

So reach out girls, don't be afraid to ask for help, but make sure you embrace it!!

Keep fighting amazing girlies, I have faith and believe in all of you!!!
xoxo
-A <3

PROM and Trainers.. fun stuff!

2010-02-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

Heylooo lovies!

I wana start out by saying... I WANT A MARC JACOBS BAG SO BADLY!! GAHH!! lol ok just had to say that. Marc Jacobs and Chanel are two of my fav. designers.. and I totally can't afford them :( I guess I could afford a less expensive MJ bag.. but I would feel so guilty for spending like $300, or $400 on a bag!! YIKES!! If anyone knows of a place I could get a gently used MJ bag.. I would love to hear your suggestions :D

Ok, on to more pressing matters... I GOT A PROM DRESS!!! (pictured underneath) This is a major accomplishment.. but prom is a couple months away, so i'm going to keep my options open and not do any alterations for a little while. Dress shopping is soooo stressful for me because I never fit into dresses. I'm short 5'3... and apparently petite??? the only time I actually acknowledge that i'm not actually ginormous is when I try on the smallest dress size, and it still doesn't fit. I really just don't understand it... How can I feel so huge, but be a small clothing size? ED baffles me. The worst part is, that even with a small size on, I STILL feel fat! WHAT?? that pisses me off.. I feel like either the size is wrong, or I just happen to be the one that a 00 makes me look fat and no one else. Its frustrating because its like.. ok.. so if fitting into a smaller size doesn't make me feel small.. what will?? what is it going to take for me to feel comfortable in my skin???? ANSWER---> a personal trainer. oy, I know right?!?! When I was in Renfrew my mom set me up with a personal trainer.. and I relapsed shortly after... not saying thats why, thats just what happened. I am friends with this trainer, and shes going to be working with my nutritionist.. so I think it should be fine. I'm just a little worried because I do have a problem with over exercising.. but I guess since they will be monitoring me, I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not trying to lose weight or anything.. just tone up. I need to feel better about myself, and feel comfortable in my body.. so I think adding some muscle definition may help with that.. and help me accept the weight i've gained. Idk... thoughts?

Clothing has recently been a major trigger to me. I'm really having trouble dealing with the fact that some of my clothes are fitting me.. and not hanging off. I hate feeling like clothes are "touching me" ya know.. like not really really flowyyy. Idk.. I still have clothes from 8th grade and I just don't want to get rid of them because they still fit me.. but I feel like keeping them is also keeping me stuck in my ED. I should not still fit into my middle school clothing, nor want to be able to.. so I really should start to try to get rid of some of it.. its just hard :/ .....

Since trying on clothes makes me hate my body.. and just feel really low.. I decided to treat myself to this ADORABLE coral-y, orange-y patent leather quilted Kate spade bag! LOVVEEEE!!!

Side note- I have these dark chocolate calcium circles.. 500mg of calcium in each.. so its a really healthy treat!!

POSITIVE NOTE--> I'm doing really well food wise, despite my horrid body image atm :) Totally meeting my cals, challenging myself with new foods everyday, and trying to stay positive.

How is everyone?? Hope you are all doing well.. and happy NEDA WEEK!!!... i'm a bit late on that... haha.
Oh, lastly.. i've been getting a lot of questions on my formspring about my ED and self harm.. and for some reason.. idk, I kind feel like its my own little form of therapy! I feel like i'm actually helping people by answering their questions, and explaining some things about EDs.. It kinda makes me feel like I want to do something in that line of work.. like an advice columnist, therapist, or life coach.. idk. Just a thought :)

EDIT: don't forget to check out this awesome giveaway!!

http://moretolifethanlettuce.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/my-1st-giveaway-bars-and-books/#comment-3554

Have an AMAZING week my beautiful girlies, stay strong, and keep battling on my little ED warriors!! <3
xoxo
-A <3

you should really do some butt exercises...

2010-02-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

ERM... so I know I said I would post the night of the other post.. but I fell asleep.. and since then have been really busy! :) haha, I'm actually still really busy and only have time for a quick post, but.. my NEXT post will be long and adorable, as always :) :P

First thing, I wana ask a question. A SERIOUS QUESTION MIND YOU!!... ok.. so, fellow bloggers... do any of you find yourselves THINKING to yourself as if you are writing a blog post...???? lol. Because that happened to me all day. Maybe because I felt guilty for not posting yesterday when I had so many things I wanted to talk about, or maybe i'm just getting use to narrating my life?.. idk, but I find myself going about my day.. and thinking in a way that is like a blog post. I hope that made sense and I dont sound crazy.. haha.

Second thing.. Cacao Power ( sweet raw chocolate nibs)= FREAKIN AWSOME.. just saying.. i've had them with my breakfast every morning since.. two days ago.. haha

Third thing, I CAN CHEW AGAIN!!! WOOOO!!! I got my stitches out from my wisdom teeth, so no more torture of not being able to eat an apple or a salad ever again!! :D... This also means that I am back on track with meeting my cals and everything, which I am super excited about.. because I hate getting off track!

This forth and last thing has been on my mind for a while... I was working out at the gym, and one of the personal trainers said to me " do you know how to do butt exercises? did I show you how to do them?" and I was like... uh.. idk? and she was like " you should really do them to get your butt in shape."..... now.. this could just be me and my distorted eating disorder self.. but.. did she just call me fat?? say I have a bit butt? need to work out more?? chances are she said that because I don't really have a butt and she thought I might want to actually try to achieve one... EVEN STILL.. DON'T COMMENT ON MY BUTT, LADY!!! >.< now i'm all butt conscious.. -_- rawr

Alright.. 4 things.. thats all i'll leave you with for now.. I would say that i'll write a big post tonight.. but I have to babysit again and idk that i'll be able to.. but if not, possibly tomorrow!

Have a great safe, healthy, and happy day everyone!!!
xoxo
-A <3

LA LA LA LA LA!!! sing a song?? OK!

2010-02-24T03:25:00.000-08:00

Quicky post.. i'm gonna post again later tonight that actually say's something haha. So I was thinking about what makes me happy, and what often puts me in a better mood.. and there really are a couple things. One that I think i'm gonna share with you today is SINGGGGGGGGG.. LA LA LA LA LA!!!!! :P Yeah, I uploaded this on my facebook a while ago.. and I figured, EH, what the hay, this is a recovery blog, and thats something that helps me get through the ruff days. Music can touch your soul and totally change your mood.. so give it a try!! when your feeling kinda down.. listen to a really happy, sing along kinda song, and when you feel like you need to cry, put on a song with words that touch your heart and bring tears to your eyes. Ok so, i've made a lot of videos (not posted for other people to see though.. haha) so this is like one in a series.. which is why the very beginning probs wont make sense. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing.. lol...this video is not very good.. and I made it when I was sick so pardon my appearance.. and its Acapella... and oy just don't judge to harshly!! haha Ok, i'm gonna just go for it! GAH!!

(I tried to upload it on here but It wasn't working.. so this is the link to it on my facebook.. and then I decided to add the other one that I made for my friend when she was sick.. so there are two singing videos.. yeah.. lol)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1197500025156&subj=1458151017

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1199103505242&subj=1458151017

Until later tonight!! :D Hope everyones day is going well so far.. I have much to talk about.. :P
xoxo
-A <3

mischievous monday? nah, marvelous monday! :P

2010-02-22T08:27:00.000-08:00

HAPPY MONDAY MY LITTLE BLOGGETS!!

Lets start with where I left off on saturday.. I believe it was right after I informed ya'll about babysitting.

So I love babysitting these little girls, one is five and the other is ONE ...AWWWW, yeah so cute!!!! After putting the girlies to bed, I had a couple hours to chill.. and I new that I prob should have something food wise.. I was really going back and forth with what I should do, since I had decided that the meal I had when I got home from food shopping was all I was going to have for that day. I gave my self an hour to mull it over.. and then tricked myself a bit.. hehe. How did I trick myself you ask?? well.. I was like " ok, how about you just look at the foods they have, you don't have to eat anything, just go look" then I looked at all the food and saw all of the healthy organic options, and a lot of foods that I've always wanted to try. Then I was like " just have a little of some dried cranberries (dried fruit freaks me out.. its a bit of a fear food.. besides prunes and figs) and some organic wheat crackers." TA DA!.. that was the trick.. did you catch it?? :P yeah i'm slick. So, in the end, I had some dried cranberries, wheat crackers, some cereal,.. and I feel like there was something else but I don't remember.. haha. I knew that if I didn't trick myself to eat those foods last night, I would have ended the day only completing half of my meal plan, which is just not good enough!! SO, while I didn't reach it 100 %, I got very close, and i'm proud of myself :) I did struggle a bit with feeling like I was doing the wrong thing, so I spent a while talking to my friend G, and she helped me out A LOT. Thanks so much G!! <--- if you read my blog.. haha <3

Now, a brief recap of my sunday.. OY.
mmmmmmk, soooo, My plan was to get up at 9 and go to the gym to take a couple classes at 9:30.. yeah.. um, that didn't happen. haha. I woke up at 9 and was like.. um what?? I feel like I never feel asleep!! Peace out alarm clock, i'm going back to bed!! so I fell Asleep until 1:00 pm!!! i've never been able to sleep that late!.. I think my two hours of sleep the night before probably had something to do with that.. hehe Even though I woke up at one.. I was STILL sooo tired!... so I went up, had breakfast, and then rested till 4:00 when I went to the gym. Sounds like a nice day so far right?? WRONG. After I finished breakfast, I was chilling in the kitchen, browsing other blogs and what not.. and my sisters friend comes in the kitchen and offers me her pop tarts. My initial reaction was "helllll no girl, I just had my breakie".. although when actually said out loud it was more "no thanks".. :P haha. She left them on the counter and I got to thinking.. "I used to love these when I was really little.. I wish I could remember what they tasted like.. maybe I should challenge myself to have them?? I am going to the gym later so.. I might as well give it a go!".... ERM.. yeah ok so I did challenge myself and eat them, and that amazing feeling on conqureing something was nice.. but VERRRRYYYY short lived. :( UGH.. I didn't realize how many calories those little demons posses!!.. Thank you calorieking.com for sending me into an ED panic. ONCE AGAIN, my lovie G helped me sort out my feelings and try to move past that little bump in the road <3 Anywhoooo, changed into my gym clothes and was off to the gym.. and when I came home had a lovely dinner to finish out my meal plan... and spent pretty much the rest of the night talking to G. GOOD JOB A for making to decisions!! haha.

ON TO TODAYS POST!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!! ( not like the scary dun dun dun dun, the one with the trumpets... ya know?? hear it?? like when they are presenting a king or something.. yeah.. haha :P)

This morning I woke up at 10:00... ok really I should be waking up at 5:45 so I can get ready for school.. but whats one more day of fun in the grand scheme of things!!?? I do much better food wise when I don't go to school.. I end up restricting because I hate eating that early in the morning.. and I hate eating at school..and blah its just no fun.. so its nice to be able to relax and know i'm making good food choices. Alright ya'll, I need to tell you about my amazing breakfast that I encourage you all to try!!!! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??? Nut butter crepes and dark chocolate chips, a yogurt, and a strawberry "slushy" YUM!!! heres how I made it....

Nut butter crepes---> I took a pre-packaged carton of egg beaters (1/2 a cup per container) and split it into two 1/4c. Then I made one "crepe" out of the first 1/4 egg beater, and another out of the second. Once I finished, I put a tablespoon of nut butter on top and split it between the two. Then you just roll them up like a crepe and VOILLA! so YUMMY!!! ( I was going to put the dark chocolate chips inside, but decided to eat them separate.. :P)

Strawberry slushy------> 5 strawberries cut up, a cup of ice, and some water.. blend in the magic bullet and VOILLA AGAIN! A lovely strawberry slushy.. goes great with the crepes :)

Yogurt---> dannon light and fit apple pie yogurt... num num num

This pic I took is kinda how i'm feeling today.. the snow ( my ED cloud of doom) is clearing up, and the day look bright and promising! :D

So that was today's breakfast.. i'm very proud of myself for trying something new this morning.. although the choc chips made it a little scary.. it also made it more of a treat!

I think the rest of my day is going to look a little something like this.. getting dressed, ( its 1:00 pm and i'm still in my fuzzy soccer ball PJ bottoms and TJ sweatshirt :P) walking to some shops around my house, going to the gym about 4/ 430... and then afterwards coming home and having a nice relaxing night! My parents come home today ( they have been in florida since thursday... so nice of them to leave me alone with my sister right???? haha) so my relaxing might not ACTUALLY happen.. but i'm looking forward to today, and i'm very happy to say that I really feel like I'm finally back on track with things!!! :D

Hope everyone has a wonderful monday!! Love you all!! <3... and may I just say, I am so ADD that this post took me over an hour to write because I kept getting distracted.. but I love ya'll so much that I just had to finish!! True dedication right therrrr :P
xoxo
-A <3

Remember why you stopped doing that??

2010-02-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

Bonjour mes amis!!
Would you like to know my current mood???? ohhh I bet you wouldddd

yeah. :P haha. well if you couldn't tell from the pic.. which you prob couldn't >.<, i'm a TAD BID FRUSTRATED.. mostly with myself.. and i'm freakin pissed at ED!!!

Lets talk about yesterday, (FRIDAY) shall we?? ok.. i'll write you read... that might work better. ;)
Sooo, ED has kindaa taken the wheel the past couple days, and yesterday really was no different. I tried to have breakfast.. which I did have some of.. but just lost all desire for it. I WANT CRUNCHY/ CHEWY FOOD!!! AKA apples, hummus wraps, salads, veggies, YUMMY FOODS THAT I LIKE. I'm so sick of everything else that i've been doomed to eat from lack of wisdom teeth. ( I swear I will stop talking about them being removed.. as soon as I can eat again :P.. until then I am exercising my right to complain about it!!!! RAWR!!) I figured "eh, bump in the road, i'll eat my snack/ lunch later and get back on track".. or not? Idk.. I ended up going to the gym in the late afternoon, and then afterwards, my friend picked me up and brought me to her campus (Arcadia) for our sleep over. <-- shout out to ELIZA who may possibly be going to this school next year!.. i'm there all the time visiting my friend who is a senior. Anywho, so yeah, we chill for a while and then, where do we go you ask?? To see The Vagina Monologues... uh.. yeah. Need I say more?? ANSWER: no. Alright, so then we meet up with our other friend and went back to K's appt. (BTW, I work with these two lovely girlies at the gym) The rest of the night consists of talking and relaxing... it was really nice :).. and at around 2 AM.. they decided they were FINALLY hungry for dinner and got food from KFC. Umm.. yeah.. three things wrong with this plan. 1. I don't eat fast food... obvi.. 2. I can't get anything because I can't chew, and 3. HELL NO AM I EATING AT 2:00AM!!... needless to say, I didn't partake in their festivities. Around 3:30.. K decided it was bed time.. so we went to bed.. and I fell asleep at around 4:00am.. only to be woken up at 6;30. WOOOO two and a half hours of sleep!!!! :D haha. Despite the food thing.. the night went well.. but I just wasn't mentally there. I was pretty drained, and realized if I had followed my meal plan, I would have felt SOOO much better, and enjoyed myself a lot more.

This pic I took walking home from school... this is kinda how I felt yesterday.. like that bench. Its surrounded by different things that are totally enjoyable (ie trees and such) and yet its lonely, empty and just blahhh at the same time.

Heres where I'm REALLYYYYY DISAPPOINTED with myself.. and Ed.

The next day (today) we woke up at 6:30 (as I previously stated) and got ready to go to the gym so she could teach her Pool class in an hour or so. Katie realizes... "umm.. you haven't eating in like XX hours.. if that.. YOU NEED BREAKFAST!".. :/ ugh if only I were normal and sentences like that didn't exsist in my life. BUT, they do, and this is how I dealt with it..
I agreed to have a yogurt (poored half out when she was in a dif room)
I agreed to have a piece of bread (crumbled it up and stuck it in my sleeve.. which is something I did in IP all the time.. :x haha)
I agreed to have ANOTHER higher cal yogurt because she wasn't satisfied with my total cals (proceeded to poor half that yogurt out as well.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????!?!?!! I'M SO OVER THAT BULLSHIT. I DO NOT HIDE FOOD ANYMORE, AND CERTAINLY DO NOT
DECEIVE MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT!!! ugh :( :( I can't believe I did that.. and the whole time I was like "remember why you stopped doing that??? BECAUSE ITS STUPID AND HURTS OTHERS AS WELL AS YOURSELF" .... I feel so guilty and awful about it.. I don't know what to do... but I just COULDN'T eat that food! idk why!!! My heart was beating so fast and I was SILENTLY freaking out the whole time.. :(.. I can't talk to her about it though because I'm scared i'll lose her as a friend.. and I honestly feel like since becoming friends with her, i've done the best EVER with my ED and recovery... and it would be awful to lose someone who has helped me so much. I really don't know what to do.. I can't ever let that happen again though, thats for sure.. because its not right, or fair to her. I'm a bad person >.< BLAH!! I hate disappointing people and letting them down.. but I also hate losing trust from people. Ugh, I swear if I screw up this friendship.. idk what i'm going to do ;'(

This pic I took near Staples.. this is what my future will if I keep treating people this way... a lonely fire hydrant on a side walk.

I did how ever, go food shopping with my nutritionist today, where I confessed to her how i've been struggling.. and she was nothing but supportive in helping me find foods to get back on track. When I got home, I made myself a large snack/lunch/dinner/snack (all combined.. lol) to help get back on track so that tomorrow will be easier to start all over.
So, I can say that i'm hopeful that tomorrow will be looking up for me in the EATS department.. because I really need to get my head back in the game and re-focus.. which I think I did a good job starting tonight. I'm babysitting tonight.. so that should be fun :) I love kids.. they are so cute and innocent.. oh to be young again.. *sigh* :P haha

Sorry this was such a downer post.. but I think it ended on a good note!! Thats my one blogging rule, all posts must end on a good note, even if I'm in an awful mood.. their is always time to change your day around!

Heres a happier pic I took.. still a lonely tree.. (gotta stick with the theme :P ) But it ebbs and flows in the wind, just like I need to do with change.. be more easy going.. go with the flow.... NOT freak out over the fact that my friends food was not MY food, and was their for deemed unsafe by ED. curse you ED and your none flowing ways! ;)

Hope everyone is healthy, happy and well!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.. remember, Sunday is a day of rest, so really enjoy YOURSELF tomorrow, and do some nice relaxing things for you. You girls are all amazing and deserve to fight.. so battle on my little ED warriors!! <3 :D

xoxo
-A

Its been a hard days night.. but ive been working like a DAWG!

2010-02-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

Morning all!!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.. so I didn't really feel like posting.. But then today I thought it would be beneficial to go back and talk about what was going on with me.

SO, basically the past month or so i've really managed to find a groove with my meal plan, and get on track. I upped my cals a couple weeks ago, and while it was hard, ultimately I know its something I need to do if I want to get my Metabolism working again! ANYWHOO... Last week I got my wisdom teeth out ( no shocker there.. I already told ya'll this.. I just need to re-state it so I can get to my point.. :P haha) and ever since then.. HAKJFHDKJHFJKSHD chaos in meal plan world.

( My theme today is a road.. so this is me walking down one!! haha :P... you'll understand once you keep reading :D )

Before I got them out, I was contemplating restricting.. and I guess for the first couple days I did, but then I got back on track and was doing the cals I needed.. but with foods that I am NOT ok with.. so it was REALLLLLLY hard for me. I managed to do that for a couple days.. but ugh.. it all came crashing down yesterday. My body image has been SHIT.. but I suppose anyone who gains a substantial amount of weight would have a hard time adjusting to their new body. Its just hard.. I constantly feel like i'm in some elses body.. I just dont feel like ME.. and I even feel like I hold myself differently.. walk differently. :/ idk BLAH!! well.. that combined with my face being HUGE and swollen.. I was just supper triggered. My face kinda reminded me of when I was in IP and they made me get to a weight that I am just NOT comfortable at and can honestly say I will never get to again.. but yeah, so looking in the mirror.. dude I literally almost had a panic attack. Its a lot better now.. but its still not back to normal. Ok, back to yesterday.. I woke up and was just like.. "wow, I don't feel full"... (I usually wake up full from my snack at night).." this is great!.. I really missed this empty feeling!!".. and I just didn't want it to go away once I ate breakfast.. so I didn't.. :x ah, i know, so not something I do! I ALWAYS have breakfast, no matter what, because its what starts your metabolism for the day. But then I took my pain meds, and you can't take them on an empty stomach.. so I had coffee with a bit of hot choc in it.. haha I know.. not food.. but it had calories! doesn't that count for something?!.. well anyway.. continued through out my day.. went to the gym.. worked out.. had a nutritionist appt.. got yelled at for the first time in a WHILE.. and then promised her I would go get a smoothie from the smoothie bar.. yet couldn't bring myself to do it. Coincidentally, I also the gym I go to is where my nutritionist is, and where I work.. so after her apt, I just went to work until 8. Then I went and got my nails done.. and by the time I got home it was time for my evening snack. By then i felt sooo guilty for letting ED ruin my day, and so down on myself for screwing up all my progress I was making with my body.. so i had another coffee with some hot choc, and a piece of bread and called it a day. WHAT A DAY... disaster day is more like it :(

There were soooo many things going through my head yesterday.. but the one thing that was calmer then most days was ED's voice. Sound strange? lemme explain.. haha. When I restrict.. well, I dont even like to call it that because its honestly not hard for me.. its harder for me to eat then it is to not eat. Blah this is hard to explain. Basically.. If I don't eat.. I don't get hungry, so its easy for me to just ignore my meals, and then ED leaves me alone with food all day.. and its the nicest break from his screaming.. so its hard to not give in. But, If I eat.. then I get hungry, or just anxious for my next meal, and then the next meal, and ED is always screaming, and ugh its just awful.. >.< but as hard as it is, i've been able to try to shut him out as much as possible. (besides yesterday)

Another thing going through my mind was PROM. Yes, the ever popular senior prom is coming up in a couple months. Their will be TONS of pictures, and girls looking beautiful, and girls FEELING beautiful.. and I want to be one of them :/. I have a date and all.. but I want to actually FEEL beautiful in my dress.. and I just don't know how I can do that at this weight. I feel like if I just loose a few pounds.. I'll feel more confident.. and the thing is I KNOW its true because I do feel more confident at a lower weight :x ..... but.. a few pounds turns into 10, and 10 turns into.. i'mma keep going till I'm so low I black out all the time, and ya know what, i'm just not a fan of that girl anymore... and I don't think my date would be either.

( the stop light has to do with my road theme.. lol.. so this is a pic I took near wawa :)... I thought it was coooool )

Blah, lots of ED conflicting thoughts yesterday.. BUTTTTTTTTTT, today is a new day, and I'm starting it off right with actually having breakfast. I'll acknolage that yesterday was a hard day for my ED, but today is going to be different. I hate bumps in the road.. but they happen, and you need to learn to swerve around them, or ride them out.. so.. SWERVING AND RIDING PEOPLE, SWERVING AND RIDING!! :P After breakfast I'm going to work out at the gym, run some errands, and then later, i'm having a sleep over at my friends dorm :D so today should be fun, and i'm looking forwards to lots of smiles and laughs that the day shall bring!! I'm going to keep telling myself.. eating is worth it, and i'm worth eating!!

Have a GREAT friday everyone, and remember, SWERVE AND RIDE out the bumps, because after a bump, there is always a smooth road right ahead <3 ( like i'm sure the mail truck in this picture I took near my house.. look how nice the SMOOTH road looks.. :P)

ALERT---> AMANDA FROM HONEY BUNCHES OF LOVE IS HAVING A GIVE AWAY, CHECK OUT HER PAGE!! http://honeybunchesoflove1.blogspot.com/

xoxo
-A <3

Just another wacky wednesday! :P

2010-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

Morning lovely Bloggers!!... or, I guess I should say.. Afternoon lovely Bloggers!! :D

Today, as well as the past 4 days i've woken up realllllyyyy late.. around like 11:00, or ever 12:00!! which believe me is very late for me. :P I have a lot of things of my mind this morning, so bare with me while I try to organize them all in a coherent fashion! I guess I'll finish this one though about today.. hmmm today. Well its lovely and sunny outside again! yay sun! I'm thinking maybe ill take a walk or something.. since i've been cooped up in the house for so long. I think i'm going back to school tomorrow.. can't hid out forever! Although.. hehe.. last night, I really wanted some nut butter from Trader Joes.. so I like wrapped my head in a scarf, put my hood on, and then put my jacket on and went into Trader Joes! Drastic measure, I know, but i'm telling you all.. you should have seen me! Oh man, it was hysterical. Then when I was in the check out line.. ok. note to self, never try to cover anything up, because people are nosey and will try too see what your hiding TEN TIMES MORE. yes. The lady at the cash register was like glaring at me, and like, you know what people do with their head when they are trying to get a good look at something and they can't see it??? well yeah, she was doing that.. and was all like.. can I help you with anything? did you find everything alright? hows your day..?? .... yeah, idk, I would have been better off going in there with my chipmunk cheeks!! Anyway.. on to something less pointless then this story.. haha

Ok.. so firstly I would like to say, THANK YOU to everyone who is reading my blog, and who gave me such positive feedback in comments yesterday on my ED letter post. I always have a fear that I shouldn't be putting such personal things on the internet for everyone to see.. especially since i've really been a very private person all my life. Sometimes I worry people will judge me for what I write, or see me strictly as an Anorexic/ recovering Anorexic.. and not an 18 year old girl who is trying to take control over her life. Yes, I have Anorexia, but I, ME, MYSELF, I am not Anorexic.. to me there is a difference. I don't say any of this regarding weight.. because yes that is a part of Anorexia, being under 18.5% BMI..( which I guess technicallllllyy i'm under by .5% lol, but I still consider myself to be at a recovering weight) but even if your not underweight, you can still have Anorexia. Just because I've been poked, prodded, stuffed, fed, and threatened to gain weight.. i'm still of one mind, the same mind I was before gaining weight. Now before all of you read this and go all "whattt, I thought she was doing well and now shes talking about how shes all Anorexic and stuff!!" dont worry.. I AM doing really well, and while I don't think I am IN recovery ( I KNOW im not in recovery.. its only been like a month since i've been at this weight and been on track) I am on a great, healthy track towards it!! I'm just trying to clarify something for people... because I kinda got the vibe that people feel as though I have conquered Anorexia.. but i'm just scratching the surface of it.. and I'm scared to disappoint people by this. Its a constant struggle, every day. Yes, i've come VERY far from where I was.. but sometimes my mind does go back to the place I was in when I wrote that letter.. the difference is that now I can realize that and tell myself to come back, (most of the time) which is what working on recovery is. The support i've been getting the past few days has been SOOO amazing.. i've never gotten this much support and encouragement in my entire life.. and I really feel as though its helping me to keep making healthy choices.. so for that I am really grateful, and want to THANK YOU all, and people on formspring!!! Its really been so amazing reading comments telling me that I have inspired people, and that people believe in me.. i've never been told those things before.. I almost don't even know how to take those wonderful things in! AH!! haha.

I took this pic outside of an ACME I believe.. haha. When I look at this picture (underneath) I see a tree.. and in the shadow it almost looks as if its an evil demon trying to posses the tree. I know I know, far out, sounds redic, but think about it in regards to an ED. ED is your shadow.. he follows you everywhere, mocks what your doing, distorts the way you look.. ED is your shadow, not you.

Another thing I wanted to say about the letter is.. writing that letter, and the ones previous to it, was very therapeutic for me... as was re-reading in. WIth that said.. I really do encourage people to write their own letters.. you don't even have to have an ED. Write a letter to your fears, anxieties, parents, food, anything that you feel you are having trouble with. Then read it back to yourself. It doesn't have to be that day.. you could wait days, or even weeks, but read it back. When you re-read your thoughts and fears, it really puts things into perspective.. and not just one time, every time you read it you will gain something from it. At first I didn't think doing this would help me.. the only time I ever really wrote was when I was in treatment.. and that was something I forced myself to do everyday so I could document my time spent there. But once I wrote the first letter.. i just felt such a weight lifted off me.. its so hard to explained.. it was like all the feelings drained out of me onto that paper. I was actually physically and mentally tired after writing it! haha. So, anyway, I really do encourage each and every one of you to write your own letters to ED, or w/e you feel is taking control of your life that you want back. <3

This picture I took on my walk to school (as I do with most of my pics.. haha) In this post, I feel like it helps to symbolize a road to recovery.. doesn't the pic just make you wana walk right down the path!! haha :)

I encourage you all to keep traveling, or begin your travel, down the road to recovery.. Life has so much more to offer you then ED could ever give you.

xoxo
-A <3

Letter to ED # 2

2010-02-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hey all!! "GOOD MORNING STARSHINE THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!"--> Willy Wonka :P

FIrst I want to start by formally introducing my little puppy.. since I got a question about what kind of dog she is. She is a little toy poodle, her name is Coco Chanel but Coco for short, and she is about 1 year old.. my little fluff ball!!! :D

Alright, so I listened to your feedback about the ED letters.. THANK YOU FOR THAT BTW :), and I'm going to make this post the last letter I wrote to my ED. I wrote this letter to ED back in October or November maybe? possibly December. Again I'm going to say WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING, just incase anyone didn't read that last couple letters and doesn't know what is in store. I just want to remind everyone (even though you know) that i've come a long way from the place I was in when I wrote these letters... so don't worry :) so here it goes... Dumping my feelings out on this page. (hence the pictures underneath.. taken on my walk to school)

Dear ED,
Good morning.. this is the time I can think the most because its before I've let you completely overflow my thoughts. I could have been so great. I had friends, good grades, interests, my parents were proud of me, and yes you were there, but for a few summer months you seemed to leave me alone. I hate feeling like this. My body disgusts me. All I can see are flaws and fat all over my body. I know all the things you say to me are true because I use to hear them regularly from my father. That i'm stupid, a bitch, brat, every curse word in the book.. " what the hell is wrong with you?! You stupid idiot! Fuck this! Get the hell in the kitchen and put your plate away! What the fuck do you think this is?! Do you think the maid is going to clean it up?! Do you think you're special or something?! Or that we owe you something?! *throws plate towards me* put it in the fucking sink!"... not a typical father daughter conversation right? I guess I deserved it.. I should have put my plate away. Ugh.. i'm not going to keep writing what he says, their is no point.. nothing captures the fear I feel every time i'm in a room with him. Especially when he use to get "the belt", or when my mom use to get the "wooden spoon". I remember stuffing towels in my pants so if I were spanked it wouldn't hurt. I deserved that too though. I wasn't a perfect child. No matter how hard I tried. Thats when you saved me, ED. You helped me gain control and feel as though I could do something right. Even still, I've let you down more times then I can count. I'm sorry, i'm not the perfect anorexic, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect cutter (self harmer), perfect dancer, perfect cheerleader, perfect student, perfect ANYTHING. Looking down at my body as I write you this.. its horrific. I don't even want to leave my house... I can't let people see me like this. I have so many thoughts running through my head at every given moment, I can't even organize them. I know you yell at me because you care, ED, and you want to make me the best I can be... but I wish I was accepted by my dad no matter what. My parents don't even want to deal with me anymore.. they want to send me away to boarding school. No one wants me.. i'm unloveable. I just want to feel wanted, for once. Why are you the only one who gives me positive as well as negative reinforcement? I wish I was a better person. UGH :( Why do you make me disappoint people? I try so hard to just get you to SHUT UP sometimes, but you come back at me meaner then ever. This is the hardest fight of my life.. its a fight for my life, and sometimes I don't even think its worth living because if I were gone.. it would only improve others lives. The only ones who accept me are other anorexics. They are the only ones who say the kindest, most encouraging things to me. They made me feel like someone cares besides you. They gave me encouragement and hope that I could reach perfection if I tried hard enough. I'll never forget being in treatment, my FOURTH GIANT MEAL of the day out of 6.. a huge plate filled with spaghetti and a hunk of cheese melted on top, plus 2 tbsp of cheese sprinkled on top, a cup of fruit, a bread roll, a salad, 2 tbsp of dressing, AND a giant piece of chocolate cake with frosting. HOLY FULLNESS. Having girls there who understood and the same torture I did was so comforting.. I'd almost rather go back to that daily torture so I wouldn't be lonely anymore. EW, I need to change my outfit again.. I look HUGE, nothing hides my disgusting body.. nothing is big enough. A big body only shows failures, thats what being big is.. a FAILURE. I'm a failure. ED, I wish you could give me a hug.. I don't want to cry alone anymore.. I just want someone to care :( Ed you've helped me so much.. but i'm told to let you go.. should I let you go? Who am I with out you? You're the only one who makes me feel special and beautiful.. thin brings me all that. I don't know what to do ED.. I love you.. but how long can I live like this..?
Until my next letter..
Love,
A

Well enough of that GLOOMY dump fest!!!.. Right now it is ANOTHER beautiful snowy day.. lots of snow this month! I'm still sitting at home because of my stupid wisdom teeth.. not much really planned for today. Probably going to clean my room, do some homework.. sounds uber fun I know :P Hopefully tomorrow it will be back to my old routine.. School, nutritionist, cardio class at the gym.. so excited! :)

Hope you are all having a wonderful positive day.. but remember even if your not, its never to late to turn it around or start over!
xoxo
-A <3

Short. Sweet. and toooooo the Point

2010-02-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

Hey all! Late night post.. since I have nothing else to do right now! :P

WISDOM TEETH UPDATE!--> I'm doing really well now actually :) Not so much with my chubby chipmunk cheeks, but i've started making a bunch of soft foods, and am back on track with my meal plan. waahooo! haha. I was feeling really guilty for getting soo off track the past couple days.. and I could feel myself started to get sucked in.. so I needed to throw ED a curve/fast ball and get back on track.
My day has been sooooooooooooo boring. I feel so lazy :( I usually never spend a day sitting home doing nothing but eating, sleeping, watching TV, and being on the computer.. and i've spent the last few DAYS doing that. Its making me feel more guilty for eating because I feel like if i'm not even really active, why do I need so much food? Idk, i'm not going to act on these thoughts.. just acknowledge them and know that they SUCK. Hopefully I will look more human soon, and will be able to go back to school, and the gym... and just be active again!
Recently (yesterday) I started a formspring... and I'm actually surprised on how open i've been with answering questions. I think journaling gave me the courage to blog.. and blogging gave me the courage to answer questions on formspring.. and eventually, i'm hoping ill have the courage to go public with my ED struggles so I can help raise awareness. I've actually found it to be really helpful answering these questions thus far because they make me think and reflect back on myself.. its been really interesting. So yeah, feel free to ask me questions bloggers! if you feel so inclined to do so :) but i'm not all that interesting so I hope I don't disappoint!

Ok, so.. I need some feedback on this.. I'm thinking of posting my last letter I wrote to Ed a couple months back. What do you girlies think? Do you think the two I posted was enough?? I don't want to life, shove these letters down all of your necks.. and they are hard for me to post anyway.. i'm just wondering if they are at all helpful to read? Let me know if anyone thinks I should post it or not.. I NEED FEEDBACK! THANKS! :D

I guess thats all for now! Its snowing again.. possible late opening tomorrow?? well its not like i'm going anyway.. no way in hell i'm going looking like this.. I have enough self esteem issues, don't need to add my monster sized face!!!! ^-^

I'll leave you with a pic of me and my puppy who has been keeping me company these past few days :D

CHALLENGE TO EVERYONE--> do something adventurous tomorrow! Try something new.. be it a food, or a new rout to work.. add some spontaneity to your life! Have a great day :)
xoxo
-A <3

I changed my mind.. PLEASE PUT MY WISDOM TEETH BACK!!! :(

2010-02-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PUT MY WISDOM TEETH BACK???

Holy cow!! My mouth feels like I got punched in the face 50 times.. and had teeth ripped out!! which I guess I did so that part makes sense.. haha. OUCHHHHHHHHH :( Don't even get me started on my face.. wowza. hello ginormous cheeks!! its actually kinda funny.. I would show you but my self esteem is not high enough for that kind of embarrassment.. lol. :P I know I was really concerned about restricting.. but there isn't really much I can do. I mean I can't chew or anything, I can't even open my mouth wide enough to fit a spoon in! So while according to my meal plan, i'm restricting, according to my FACE i am not. lol I do miss food though :( I was trying so many new things.. experiencing the FLAVORS OF LIFE if you will haha, so I can't wait to get back to where I was in recovery.. I just hope ED doesn't throw a monkey wrench in my plan and want to continue "restricting" once I can eat again... :/

anywhoo... HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ALL!!!!! <3 <3 <3 XOXOXO!!!!! WOOOOOOOO haha. I'm not actually the biggest fan of this holiday... just because I don't really think its a real holiday and was made up by the greeting card companies.. but still.. its still fun to have a day devoted to love :) This time last year I spent Valentines day in Renfrew.. and I made over 50 heart cards to give to all the girls..that was soo fun :)

I actually think I enjoy holidays in Renfrew better because there are so many people there to spend it with.. i'm pretty much alone at home. I mean my sister is usually out, my mom is all over the place, and my dad doesn't live with us.. but he comes over often to spend time with my mom. yeah.. weird scenario. I wish I could actually go out and do something for V-day! But i'm stuck in the house with my monster face... doomed to eating yogurt and smoothies all day and watching TV or sleeping.. FUN STUFF RIGHT THERE YA'LL!!! haha i'm so weird :P Not to much to report on today since i've pretty much spent the last few days sleeping.. maybe I should clean my room?? we'll see.. OH, question, does anyone know how long it will take for the swelling to go down??? lol, I know thats an odd question, but I want to know when I can go out in public again!! SHOPPING WITHDRAWAL!! :P haha Oh and speaking of questions, I made a formspring thingy.. idk why.. peer pressure maybe?? EVERYONES DOING IT!! haha yeah, so ask me questions!

http://www.formspring.me/amb10116 <-------- THAAAAAAAAAATSSSS MEEEE! I also put the link at the top of my page on the right.. you can't click it because I SUCK at adding links.. so you have to copy and paste it to get to the site.

Be my Valentine???? haha This is my little Valentines day teddy, he says HELLO BLOGGERS!! :P

Have a LOVELY day!! <3
xoxo
-A<3

SNOW Day take 2 and wisdom teeth woes

2010-02-11T08:41:00.001-08:00

NEW NAME! yesss. if you all haven't already noticed I changed my blog name, and layout.. just needed a little change :) One reason I changed my title was because I thought it would be easier to find me since there is some other person with a blog titled for the love of fashion.. weird right?? Well yeah, basically I don't know how to change my URL.. its saying I need to like, back my blog up on a disc and all this crazy stuff just to change it.. so if anyone can help me out, or tell me an easier way to do it, i would appreciate it!!! :)

Alrighty, so today is the second snow day at school in a row.. that means.. NO SCHOOL ALL WEEK!! AHHH.. well.. i mean we had a late opening on monday.. so I just didn't go, and then tuesday was normal.. but I didn't go.. and then weds and thurs (today) are snow days, and friday we don't have school for pres. weekend!! hehe fun stuff.

I went sledding and "snowboarding" yesterday with a couple friends from the gym where I work... IT WAS SO FUN! I haven't gone sledding in so long, since like freshman year.. so like four years ago... and I forgot how fun it is to actually hang out with people haha. Its nice to hang out with people and feel normal for a little.. but then meal times roll around and it gets so stressful. I don't want them to judge me.. but i'm just not at a place where I can eat pizza and chips and be ok with it. I've been trying so hard to eat foods that are more "normal" and less acceptable to ED. I had sugared cereal, Eggo waffles, and I even tried Mint choc chip icecream. ED PRETTY MUCH HATES ME RIGHT NOW. :/ But I don't care.. I had fun.. and tried new things... and eating those things just once wont do anything to me. right????.. yeah i'm pretty sure i'll be good... :P

The picture below I took at a park near my house.. and the picture above is the parking lot at the KOP mall :)... I totally think these two photos fit in with this post.. not knowing which way to go.. needing direction, feeling torn.. well. You'll see.. read on.. :P

Now, on to something that I need some help with. I was suppose to get my wisdom teeth out yesterday, but it was cancelled because of the snow, so now I'm getting them out tomorrow. I've wanted (my ED has wanted) me to get my wisdom teeth out for so long because it would be the PERFECT excuse to not eat, or barely eat for a least a week. I know, awful thing to think about, but my ED has wanted me to do this foreverrr. He's thought of so many things like, getting my appendix out, tonsils, getting swine..haha, just lots of things that really people should never wish upon themselves.. that i've actually hoped would happen just so I wouldn't have to eat. The thing is.. Now that i've gotten on track and i'm doing really well.. i'm really torn. I'm NOT happy with my body at all, but i'm happy with my food choices.. and i've come so far.. I just don't want to go back to how things were. I'm scared that now that its actually happening I have to do what my ED has always wanted me to do.. but UGH I don't wana be pulled back in!! Idk what to do... Because the urge to restrict and lose weight has been so strong, and I feel like I can afford to lose some weight.. I just feel so gross with where i'm at. :( UGH I really don't know what to do... :( :( :( i'm so torn.

This is a short post, I don't really have time to write much more because we have to dig my friends car out of the snow!! :0 crazyness. Hope everyone is having a wonderful snowy day. stay safe! and warm.. :P
xoxo
-A <3